Free Agency for the Bengals.

Well here we are a few days before free agency begins for the NFL, the Combine is over and I am stuck wondering what the Bengals will do.

First I would like to touch on what the Bengals SHOULD do in free agency. I of course emphasize should because for reasons I have blogged about before they will probably not do what makes most sense and instead continue to "build through the draft." It is not that I am against that way of thinking, I am actually for it, but the Bengals issue continues to be that they do not scout well, or at all, since they do not have the personnel (smallest scouting department in the league,) or go after bargain deals because of character issues.

There are quite a few free agents out there that will help the Bengals and fill holes that they would not have to waste draft picks on. With as many player as the Bengals look to lose they will have to sign a player or two in free agency, but ultimately it will not be the right players. Areas of need include running back, offensive tackle, center, wide receiver, safety, and corner back. They also need a defensive tackle and a defensive end, maybe a linebacker, but I think they would definitely over pay in free agency for that and can focus on that in the draft instead.

What's out there:

Running backs. We are thin at running back and even if we draft a running back we could still use a free agent to ensure that we have enough suited up on game day. I would hate to have to see Dan Coats the running back! For a variety of reasons I did not find too many running backs worthy of spending money on. Too old, too many miles, not worthy of spending money on take your pick. When I say too old, by the way, I mean 30 or older. Most running backs peak at 30 and it is downhill after that. No sense in signing a running back to three years at 30!

1. Cedric Benson. Just freaking re-sign him. We are thin at running back and he already knows the system. On top of that he hasn't had a DUI, or OVI in almost a year. Either he is a lot better at drunk driving now or just stopped doing it.
2. JJ Arrington. Not ideal, but literally the second best option out there. Again I say re-sign Cedric please.

Tackles. This is another position I would like to see the Bengals address in the draft. They have the #6 overall pick and there are three tackles that I can see worth drafting that will be NFL ready and better options than just about any free agent.

1. Ray Willis. Young and pretty good, only gave up 1.5 sacks last year. Incidentally he is the only tackle I can justify spending money on.

Centers. Again an area the Bengals can focus on in the draft, but it might be good to have a veteran center come in to show the new kid the ropes. Or just get one in free agency and don't worry about drafting one, but please god do something. Eric "The Ghost" Ghuicuc has to go! Rich Brahm we miss you please come back!

1. Jason Brown. This guy is from Baltimore and has to practice against the Ravens D all the time, so you know he is good! Plus he is young. He might cost a little bit, but I say go for it!
2. Geoff Hangartner.

Wide Receivers. After drafting three last year you would think that we would be fine, but it looks as though we will lose TJ (which is insane) and while Caudwell looked good, not sure about health over a full season. Simpson still looks VERY raw as well. Looking back we should have traded Chad last year for two first round picks to Washington and taken the extra money and locked up TJ, of course Mike and Marvin were busy winning a pissing match with Chad. No one listed will replace TJ, not even close, his heart, his competitive fire, his desire, and his hands on third down, but we will need a veteran to replace him none the less.

1. Nate Washington. Great down field threat, but cannot replace TJ on third down.
2. Devery Henderson. Same issue as Washington.
3. Michael Clayton.
4. Reggie Williams. Like his size and that he can block, but can he catch?
   
5. TJ Houshmandzadeh. Again just re-sign him. Pittsburgh did it with Hines Ward when they let Plaxico walk and it seemed to work out pretty well.
   

Safety. I am always looking for a great safety. I miss David Fulcher and Madeiu broke my heart. I like Ndukwe, but still looking for the next Fulcher, not that anyone can replace him.

1. Gibril Wilson.
2. James Sanders. Got to love that he comes from the Patriots, you know because they actually know what they are doing. They lose their franchise QB and still almost make the playoffs. We lose our franchise quarter back and we go 4-11-1.
3. Chris Crocker. One of ours that I would like to se re-signed. he will come cheaper than the other two and if he continues to play with a chip on his shoulder then he might be the best safety we have.

Corner back. I said before the start of last year that Deltha had lost a step and just didn't care anymore. The Bengals must have been listening for once and cut him. His replacement however, was not suitable. David Jones just did not do that well, even in the nickle. We need someone who can play the nickle and maybe even return punts or kickoffs?

1. Bryant McFadden. Got to love anyone from Pittsburgh's defense.
2. Phillip Buchanon.
3. Justin Miller. And he returned two kickoffs for touchdowns!

My real guess is that none of these guys are on the Bengals radar, Marvin has nearly said as much. They are looking to get 2nd and 3rd tier guys that would be backups and special teamers on most teams, but will start here. Just about any ONE of those guys could help and in three cases just resign what we have, but alas I have to remember that Mike Brown is still in charge.

And let me just say good bye TJ. It was a pleasure to watch someone go out and play this game with an unbridled passion and untameable fire. To watch a FOOTBALL player. A wide receiver that will risk his body to make that crucial third down catch is rare in football and you are just wired that way. You are ten times the football player and more importantly the man that Chad Johnson is, it is a shame that 'ol Mikey Brown does not see that. Please once you leave don't hate Cincinnati too much, hate the owner, hate the management, but don't hate Cincinnati, because we love you!

Update on the Reds

Dusty Baker was quoted in saying that Brandon Phillips will be batting cleanup this year. I find this problematic for a few reasons.

1. Does that mean that you will bat Taveras, Bruce, Votto, Phillips? Righty, lefty, lefty, righty? Seriously? I guess it is not that big of a deal, but strategy wise it might be better to break that up a little bit.
2. You are taking away Phillip's speed. You are forcing him to be a run producer and jamming up the base paths in front of him. Two years ago this was a 30/30 guy and they are trying to turn him into a 35/10 guy. Speed is a rarity in this lineup, don't take away a weapon in this guys arsenal. I saw this guy steal 2nd AND 3rd base in a single play, he just kept going, it was one of the coolest things i have ever witnessed, probably won't see that again.
   
3. Good news for Encarnacion, he will get pitches to hit, because anyone would rather pitch to him than Phillips.
   

I stated in my last blog what the lineup would be if I were the manager, clearly the Reds will not be hiring me anytime soon. I guess it can be said that batting Votto in the 4 hole might be too much pressure on the 2nd year player, but this is a guy who looks more like a run producer to me. Plus it is not like this guy is a 23 year old kid, he is 25 and has a full year in the majors under his belt.

Hope this works.

Let's face it, it is defiantly no worse than batting Adam Dunn leadoff! (True Story)

 Batting 1st    17   15    70    56   16   12   0   0   7   12   11   0   18   3   0   0   0   0    2   0  .214  .371  .589  .961  .161   111 Batting 1st 

That stat line is from www.baseball-reference.com. Basically what it is saying is that he played 17 games in the leadoff spot and he was HORRIBLE, as anyone would imagine.

Can the Reds finish above .500? Part 3.

So, here we are at part three. After covering the defense, of which was upgraded over the off season and the pitching, which looks to be pretty solid, today we will talk about the offense. Sadly this will not be as up beat or as promising.

After losing Griffey and Dunn last year one of the Reds major goals was to find a power hitting right handed bat. Unfortunately players like Pat Burrell were asking way too much money. Pat, who in my opinion, is only marginally better than Adam Dunn in the outfield and a downgrade offensively. Pat got 16 million over two years. That is pretty expensive considering that you could have probably signed Dunn for that much if that is what you wanted.

But kudos to the Reds for not overpaying or for settling on someone that they knew was really not an upgrade. but now since most right handed sluggers are off the market, or too expensive, or have no interest in playing in Cincinnati, how do you replace the power and run production that At least Dunn gave you?

Lets look at the pros and cons.

Pros:

1. Dunn is gone. You will see this in the cons section as well, what can I say? Dunn is a dilemma. Dunn was a horrible clutch hitter, was terrible with runners in scoring position, and was able to rack up 200 strikeouts in a season in his sleep. There was a joke for almost two years about him never being able to get a sacrifice fly. This is a guy that hit 40 plus home runs and only managed 100 RBI!? That means that almost 50% of his RBI came of solo home runs.
2. Griffey is gone. What pitcher was scarred of this guy? Jamie Moyer? And that is only because he is one of a handful of pitchers old enough to remember Griffey in his prime. It is a disgrace that the Reds were forced to bat this guy third for the last three years because he refused to be dropped in the order. When I think of a number 3 hitter in a lineup I think Manny Ramirez, Hanley Ramirez, Chase Utley, those guys scare me and give Big Popi and Ryan Howard protection. I know the guy has hit 600 home runs, but almost 400 were in Seattle and he was only there 3 more years than he was in Cincinnati.
3. Anything is an upgrade offensively over Corey Patterson. Here is his stat line from last year; .205 batting average, .238 On Base Percentage, 14/23 on stolen bases and produced only 46 runs. Of course it does help to get on base to steal and produce runs, which he was never able to do. Taveras has a .331 career on base percentage and if he can stay healthy I see 50 stolen bases and at least 80 runs.
4. The potential of Phillips, Bruce, and Votto at the top of the lineup is HUGE!I will give you my potential lineup later, but I think these guys can do something special together at the top/heart of the order.
5. Hernandez is an upgrade over Ross/Backo. No one is going to confuse Ramon with Johnny Bench, but he might be the best offensive catcher we have had here since Johnny.

Cons:

1. Dunn is gone. See I told you. Dunn had many faults and frustrations, but he was good for 100 runs, 40 home runs and 100 RBI, every year....literally. And despite the strikeouts he has a career .381 on base percentage, thanks to over 100 walks every year too. Such a strange case, has there ever been a more drastic I love this guy, I hate this guy stat wise? So how do you replace 100/40/100? The simple answer is you can't, at least not for a real pretty penny. He is a slugger in every sense of the word, and with the Reds transition to speed and defense he just didn't fit.
2. Tarveras needs to return to 2007 form. The Reds have not had a true lead off hitter since Pete Rose? The lead off hitter is very important, someone to get on base, wreak havoc on the base paths, get in pitchers heads. This guy becomes even more important on teams that are lacking power and are hoping to manufacture more runs like the Reds are. I am not completely sold on Taveras being that guy.
3. A lot of youth. There is no one to legitimately fear in this lineup right now other than Brandon Phillips. Will Votto and Bruce be great, maybe, will Taveras return to 2007 form, maybe, will Encarnacion remember how to play baseball, doubtful at 26. That is a lot of maybes for a team hoping to break up the playoff drought this year.

Potential lineup if I were manager:

1. Willy Taveras
2. Jay Bruce
3. Brandon Phillips
4. Joey Votto
5. Edwin Encarnacion
6. Ramon Hernandez
7. Alex Gonzalez
8. Chris Dickerson
9. Aaron Harang
   

Ultimately I think the Reds youth and lack of a "big bat" will hurt the them. I actually have this dropping the Reds to an exactly .500 team and missing the playoffs again this year. While I think the Reds were smart long term for not over paying for a free agent, maybe it would have been the one piece to put them over the edge this year. Now, IF they are in the hunt after the all start break they will have to make a trade and sacrifice some of their depth or young talent to get something too expensive that they will only have for half a year.

Reds fans are sick of losing, perhaps management should have taken that into consideration. But maybe things are looking up? 81-81 this season with I am sure a lot of growing up for Bruce, Votto, Volquez and Cueto. Perhaps the Reds can get that couple pieces they need in the off season and 2010 can be the season of change we have all been waiting for?

Can the Reds finish above .500? Part 2

Sorry for part 2 of my Reds above .500 series being a day late, but I had to weigh in on the Shayne Graham issue, which strangely is tearing Cincinnati apart. The strange part was during lunch and on the way home listening to local radio personalities defend the tagging?! Lance McCallister and I do not always see eye to eye, but I could not help but feel he was just dead wrong about Shayne.

Moving on....Today the focus will be on the Reds defense. "What defense?" You might say to yourself or that fat co-worker next to you that swears he could play better defense for the reds. Of course, he should just concentrate on tying his own shoes, and you should not worry, it will be better this year.

"How will it be better this year?" This might be what you ask next and I will tell you, just don't get distracted my 'Ol Fatty mowing threw his 5th eclair of the morning.

• Alex Gonzalez back at shortstop. The guy has Gold Glove potential, provided he can stay healthy. He is an upgrade defensively over Keppinger and Harriston, he has better range and a better fielding percentage over the last two years he was healthy.
• Jay Bruce in right field. My grandfather is in his 90's and had both hips replaced and would have looked faster and more fluid than Ken Griffey Jr. did playing right field. I could go on and on with old, or broken jokes about Kenny, but why beat a dead horse? Lets instead get excited about the Jay Bruce era in Cincinnati. At least until his contract is up and he hires Scott Boras to negotiate his way to New York.
• Dickerson/Harriston/Gomes in left field. There is nothing that would scare me more than to hear Marty say, "fly ball to left field, Adam Dunn in pursuit." I would close my eyes so tight that I would almost blackout praying to any god I know that Dunn would luck out and fall near the ball. I am not saying his defense was bad, but Jose Canseco thinks it is bad. Dunn is like a semi truck, once it got going there was no stopping it, but it does not start and stop on a dime. Now that he is gone literally anything is better out there, even Johny Gomes. I would prefer Dickerson or Harriston. After they way they both played last year I think they earned the right.
• Willy Taveras in center. While I love Ryan Freel's hustle, they way he played center field was going to get himself killed, or someone else. He was a 20 car pile up on the free way waiting to happen. Patterson while great defensively, was soooooooo horrible with the bat the Reds were considering not even sending him to the plate, just taking an automatic out. Harrison was adequate, but not an everyday center fielder. Taveras will give us a good everyday center fielder that can get on base occasionally, provided he stays healthy as well.
• Other than Tampa Bay, can you name a faster outfield than Dickerson/Taveras/Bruce/Harriston? Maybe Houston with Bourne and Pence? That is a lot of ground those boys will be able to cover, which will be fun to watch for a change!
• Ramon Hernandez behind the plate. Ramon is another guy that has the potential to win a Gold Glove. Last year was a slight aberration, but he played on a crappy team, I just hope he re-finds himself here in Cincy. But even a down year for him is better than Paul Backo or Dan Ross's best year. Sadly this might be the best catcher Cincinnati has seen since Johnny Bench, and he is no where near that.

So lets see, The Reds upgraded all three outfield positions, if nothing else it was addition by subtraction by just getting rid of Dunn and Griffey. They upgraded at shortstop and behind the plate, to add to a Gold Glove winning second basemen already. They did all that and did not spend a lot of wasteful money in the off season, not bad. I do have some areas of concern though.

• Edwin Encarnacion is still manning third base and will be next year too. This guy plays third base like David Beckham, kicking it all over the field. The guy is 26, so, there is not much hope of it getting any better either. This guy has a career .935 fielding percentage with more than 20 errors in a season twice in his young career. Yikes.
• Votto at first base. Votto is not nearly as unwatchable as Edwin, but it is still not great. Fortunately he play first base, where such "athletes" as Prince Fielder, Adam Dunn, Kent Herbeck, Cecil Fielder have played, and the list goes on. I think Votto can get better, but really as long as he can catch the ball thrown at him then I am OK with him.

All things considered the Reds obviously did a good job of upgrading the defense and speed of the team, I don't think it translates into too many more wins that what I predicted in part 1, however.

I think we are still at this point looking at a 86-76 team, or are we? What about the offense? Well I will cover the offense in part three tomorrow or later in the week, as time permits, so stay tuned Reds fans!

Tagging Shayne Graham?

On Monday the Bengals announced that they would be using the Franchise Tag on kicker Shayne Graham. At first I was indifferent to the decision, and actually saw it coming. But the more I stew on it the more I hate this decision.

Why would you ever tag a kicker?

• You have no idea what you are doing. (Also known as the Marvin Lewis effect)
  
• You have a crush on said kicker. (Also know as the Brian Boitano effect)
  
• You are three years old.
• You don't understand that just because you have the option to put the franchise tag on a player doesn't mean that you have to.
• There was a bio-engineered weapon designed to kill off all kickers and some how yours lived.
• You are secretly trying to ruin the team. (Also known as the Mike Brown effect)

Those are the only reasons that I can think of to tag a kicker. Now, why tag Shayne specifically?

Pros:

• Pro Bowl selection 2005
• All Pro selection 2005
• Bengals Franchise records in: Most field goals in a season (31), most field goals in a game (7), highest field goal percentage in a season (91.2%), highest field goal percentage for career, most point in a season (131).
• Was previously cheap since we picked him up off the wavier wire, more about that later.
• Three times hit game winners for the Bengals. In '04 in Miami, '04 against Baltimore and '05 vs. Cleveland.
  

Cons:

• We are now paying a kicker almost 2.5 million dollars.
• Has lost the game 4 times for the Bengals. In 2006 vs. Tampa Bay (62 yarder), '06 vs. Denver (PAT), '06 vs. Steelers (39 yader), '08 vs. Philly (47 yarder in OT).
  
• Cost us the playoffs with the missed field goal against the Steelers in 2006. A very makable 39 yards.
• Touch back percentage of 9.3%. That was 24 among all kickers last year. So, the guy clearly can't get the ball in the end zone on the kickoff, unless he has a 30 mile an hour wind going WITH him.

I like Shayne Graham, he seems like a nice guy and does a lot in the community, but as far as kickers go he is not really extraordinary. He has severe accuracy issues if it is 40 yards or longer, he is horrible on kick offs, he is not great in the clutch, or at least hasn't been in three years. Honestly I would put Shayne somewhere in the middle of the pack as far as kickers go, and yet the Bengals feel the need to pay him and average of the top 5 kickers for the next year. For as fiscally responsible (cheap) as Mike Brown is I find this to be a very strange move.

I find it even more strange when you have more important free agents like Stacy Andrews, TJ Houshmanzadeh, and Cedric Benson still to sign. Any of those three they really need.

• Stacy Andrews. Stacy was tagged last year and we need him just as much this year. Willie Anderson is no longer there as a safety net and the Bengals are pretty thin at tackle. While I am sure they will be drafting a tackle at some point in the draft as it stands right now they have 4 tackles. That includes Levi Jones who should be cut.
• TJ Houshmanzadeh. When faced with a similar dilemma Pittsburgh decided to keep Hines Ward and cut ties with Plaxico Burris. Hines is a fierce competitor and will do anything to win, Plaxico wants money and fame. Sound familiar? The Bengals should have cut ties with Chad Johnson last year when they had the chance and re-committed to TJ. Finding guys to run down the sidelines and catch a ball, never block, and duck out of bounds instead of fighting for the extra yard are easy to find. Finding the heart and soul of your offense is not. Take a poll in Cincinnati and see who anyone, everyone thinks that the Bengals should keep.
• Cedric Benson. Not nearly as high profile as the other two, but right now he is just as important. The Bengals backfield without Benson consists of Chris Perry, Kenny Watson, DeDe Dorsey, James Johnson. Chris Perry is Reggie Bush light with a fumble problem, Kenny Watson is a great third down back, but nothing more, DeDe and James are very unproven. Cedric came into his own the last four games, he now knows the system and the offense and can prove that he was the talent that he was when he was drafted fourth overall.
  

Any of those three are more valuable than a kicker. Hell, Shayne himself was a wavier wire pick up for the Bengals in 2003. Just like in fantasy football kickers are a dime a dozen. They do not have to learn an offense, they are not calling play, they simply go out and kick a ball and it is the same for any team from pee-wee football up to the pros.

How do the Bengals not think that they can't just draft a kicker in the 6th or 7th round and not be able to replace Shayne? They might even get an upgrade, you know someone that could kick a 45 yarder with no problems? Someone that could kick it into the end zone maybe 20% of the time?

Well good luck Shayne, the first time you miss a 45+ yarder, or the first time you cost us another game or playoff berth with a wide right, just know the boo birds will be out in full force. A suggestion for what to do with all that money you will be stealing, go install a cyborg leg enhancement. If you can go all Robo-Kicker on us and never miss, well then I will take back this whole blog post.

Can the Reds finish above .500? Part 1.

1990 is a long time ago. 1990 was the last time the Reds were in the World Series. They won it, in quite dramatic fashion none the less. The swept the Oakland Athletics, they beat one of the best teams in baseball history. They had arguably the greatest lead off hitter, and most famous person that refers to himself in the third person, in Ricky Henderson. They had the bash brothers, and juice brothers ironically, in Mark McGwire and Jose Canseco. They had Bob Welch and one of the most intimidating pitchers in the league in Dave Stewart. And finally they had the best closer in baseball at the time, "The Eck," Dennis Eckersley.

This was supposed to be a no-brainer, Oakland was supposed to steamroll the Reds, I mean why were the Reds even showing up? But by some miracle Billy Hatcher turned into Ted Williams, Jose Rijo Bob Gibson and the Reds in VERY unlikely fashion beat Oakland in a David versus Goliath moment.

But all that history is to point out that is the last time the Reds were really relevant in baseball. They have suffered through "Leather pants man," a bigoted owner, the depletion of their farm system, "We are only a couple years away" messages from the owners, Dan "the thank you list" O'Brien, all to get to this point in time. The point in time where the Reds could become relevant again.

Factors:

• Pitching. Pitching and defense wins championships. That is true in baseball about 90% of the time. For the last four years the Reds have caught on to this and have been drafting and trading for pitchers, and actually made some pretty smart moves too. They traded Jose Guillen when he was hot knowing he probably would not stay that way based on his career to that point and got Aaron Harang in return. They traded Josh Hamilton for Edison Volquez. A controversial move, but consider this, Hamilton had never played a full season, the Reds outfield was crowded, and the Reds knew that they could get more on the dollar for Hamilton than for Dunn or Griffey, which they would have preferred to trade away. Plus see the second sentence in this paragraph. They traded Wily Mo Pena to get Bronson Aroyo. The Reds figured out that Wily could only hit a fastball straight down the plate and again he was in a crowded outfield, so trade him and get a young pitcher, good idea. And of course they draft Cueto, Thompson, and Bailey. Kudos Reds for some rather good decisions.

Projections:

• Hanang - 16 wins. He only had 6 last year with injuries and lack of run support. Last year was a fluke and I think that he can get back to winning 15 or more like he did the previous two years
• Aroyo - 15 wins. After a slow start Bronson put it together after the all star break and managed 15 wins last year. I don't expect him to ever win more than 15, he gives up too many runs to be an ace, but I think he has a few more 15 win seasons in front of him.
• Volquez - 15 wins. While Edison was good last year, very good. He began to get tired after the all star break and showed that he was indeed a rookie. I think that next year he might be dominant, but look for a slight decrease this year.
• Cueto - 10 wins. I think Johhny can build on a solid year last year in which he got hurt near the end. Johnny needs to lower the pitch count and find better control, but can still eek out 10 wins I believe.
  
• Owings/Thompson/Bailey/Ramirez/Maloney - 10 wins. The fifth spot is still a big question mark heading into spring training, but I have no reason to believe that a mix of these men can't come up with at least 10 wins.
• Bullpen - 20 wins. Looking at last year the Bully had 23 wins, so I do not think it is unreasonable to expect about 20 wins from them again this year.

Looking at just the pitching, excluding possible injuries, and basing off previous bodies of work it would seem that the Reds could finish above .500. I have them sitting at 86-76. Now that record would not have got them into the playoffs, but if they played in the national league west, they would have been in first!

Normally I wouldn't read too much into something like this, especially since pitchers and catchers just reported, but Reds fans need a bone. Something to make them look forward to this year, some real hope, not the regurgitated crap form the owners that is spewed every year about being "competitive."

Tomorrow I will look at the defense and see how we look there. So, make sure you tune in; same Reds channel, same Reds time!

Commercials we all hate.

Thank god for DVR, or TIVO. Normally I get to skip all those horrible, horrible commercials and just watch the show, but every once in a while I get to watch a show, normally a sporting event, live and have to suffer through the hellacious commercials that come with it.

I thought about doing a whole blog dedicated to every horrible commercial I have ever seen, but I can not type that long, nor do I have the attention span to....Oh look something shiny!
Sorry about that, I am back. I decided instead to focus on groups of commercials that, when I see them, almost enrage me to the point that I want to jam an ice pick in my temple to end the pain.

• Jewelry commercials.

- Kay Jewelers. I swear even my wife thinks that they are stupid and cheesy. MY WIFE! These dumb commercials are geared towards women, pull on women's heart strings and make them convince their husbands that they have to have that jewelry so that they can feel all those same feelings as the women do in the commercial. And that stupid little jingle...."every kiss begins with Kay." I hear that and I look for something to punch. Clever play on words, or letters I guess....for a 8 year old.

- Jared. These are even worse. I love how if a man "goes to Jared," he suddenly becomes freaking Don Juan. Are you kidding me? All a guy has to do is go to Jared and he is suddenly Casanova? Listen up all convicted rapists and sex offenders (because I am sure a lot of them read this blog) just go to Jared and get some jewelry, all will be forgiven and forgotten and you will be any ladies number 1!

• Local car dealerships.

Whenever I see these debacles I always think back the Family Guy episode where Peter takes Meg to buy a new car and ends up buying the tank that the used car salesman uses in commercials to wage war on prices. Any cheesy gimmick that you can think of has been used in local car commercials. There is a plethora of really horrible acting as well. Like the owner of the dealership and his possibly mildly attractive daughters will bumble through a horrible script and stand there awkwardly waiting for the "camera man," who is probably the maintenance chief as well, to shut the camera off. You just pray that he operates on cars better than he operates that camera. Hell these things are like Youtube videos that aren't funny. I think my favorite are the ones where they just shout at you the entire time though. SALE, BUY NOW, HURRY, GOING FAST, NEED TO PAY FOR MY HOOKER LAST NIGHT. Alright maybe not that last one, but I am sure they are thinking it.

• Subway

It all started with Jared. Damn there is that name again, maybe I just hate all Jared's subconsciously? Any who....Subway is like that guy who tells the same joke over and over again and you just happen to be at all the parties that this guy shows up at. It was funny once, barely, but now that you have to keep hearing it over and over again it is making you want to pull his vocal cords out. Between Jared and the $5 foot long commercials Subway has successfully beat the horse to death, buried it, unearthed it to beat it some more, and then buried it again. And is it me or is that $5 foot long jingle a little creepy sounding? Not the ones where actual people are singing it, or attempting to sing it, that is just horrible. I am talking about the ones that are pre-recorded. Sounds like something a child molester would say to his victim.....$5 for a foot longggggggggg. Gross.

• Taco Bell.

Again, I can put my finger on the minute this food franchise "jumped the shark." It was that damn Chihuahua. That was just the start of years of horrible Taco Bell commercials. To be honest I can not point out one specifically, they all just tend to fade into one big pile of crap. Yo Querio Taco Bell? Not without a toilet close by. Taco Bell is like what Jim Gaffigan says about Hot Pockets, you never really buy them, you are renting them. It would be more beneficial to take your "food" and just go flush it down a toilet and save your body the grief.

• Gieco.

- Lizard. This was one of those that was clever at first and every once in a while was funny, but man is it overdone. Gieco sounds like gecko, I get it. Plus i think that gecko is getting a little preachy, a little too big for his britches. He is talking down to people in the commercials now, stealing their money to buy bags of chips, he is out of control and needs to be stopped.

- Cavemen. This on the other hand was never funny. NEVER. I mean I get the whole message, "so simple a caveman could do it." But one commercial was definitely enough. What amazes me was that a T.V. series was formed after this moronic idea. Even after everyone had long started to hate the commercials and it was clear that this show was going to be a flop to anyone I ever talked to, it was done anyway. It didn't last a season. I hope all that were involved were fired.

I am sure there are more, these are just the ones that stuck out in my mind as I was compiling this list for the blog. What groups of commercials do you hate?

Laptop Update.

The last time you left your hero (Me), I had just uncovered a nefarious plot to heist my laptop. I had caught it just in time and the laptop was on its way back to me and the douche bag that tried to steal it was about to get a nasty email. For your entertainment I will present to you the correspondence with said douche bag, enjoy.

This is what I sent to douche bag Tuesday February 3rd 2009:

Do you like laptops?

How do you NOT like having my laptop?

Douche bag!

This was Douche bag's reply on February 4th 2009:

I am sorry for reply you so late ....i like the laptop ...get back to me with your pay pal email address

WTF?! Did he even read my email? I just called him a douche bag and made fun of him for not having my laptop and that is his response? He is sorry and he likes the laptop?! What laptop? He never got it! and he wants my PayPal email for the 4th time. How did I not see through this to begin with?

My response to his very convoluted and vague response on February 4th 2009:

You are an idiot. Did you NOT read my last email? You NEVER got my laptop moron! I figured out your scam in time and had the delivery stopped and sent back to me. Amazing that you are this dumb and can still manage to scam people! Please enjoy the picture asshole!

Some how this guy is still not getting it, because this was his reply back February 5th 2009:

WHY THIS FROM YOU ? I HAVE MADE THE PAYMENT,WHAT IS GOING ON WITH YOU THERE ..LET ME KNOW IF YOU'RE SEND IT ALSO LET ME KNOW IF YOU'RE GOT YOPUR MONEY .....GET TO ME BACK NOW

It is amazing, his English gets worse with each email! It is like he is having a stroke over the course of several emails. My favorite part of that email was the "GET TO ME BACK NOW." I mean the whole email is funny, but the broken English demand was the best. It was like a mix of Yoda and Jar Jar Binks making a demand!

So here is my final response to douche bag. This was the killing shot, the final stake in the heart, the final nail in the coffin, or I suppose since I have not hear back from him! Sent February 5th 2009:

Why this from me? English not your first language there pally? Well I will tell you what is going on with me here, I called PayPal when I did NOT get your money and they said that the email I got from "PayPal" was fraudulent. imagine that. By the way, if I were you I would cut this shit out, we have notified the police and they are looking for your ass. Better yet let me put this in a way you MIGHT be able to understand....

YOU A DUMBASS
YOU DID BAD THING
YOU NO GET LAPTOP
POLICE COMING TO YOU
YOU GET RAPED IN PRISON

I tried to keep the words simple and talk backwards like you seem to like to do, hope this helps, bitch.

GET TO ME BACK NOW!

I think that really got through to him. I think the simple backwards talking and the all capital letters helped. Well, I say good riddance and congratulations again to Team Herron on the victory. It was hard frantic work by all involved, but it was worth it for the big win.

This might even be better than any victory over the garbage men!

Snow Dilema.

I left work yesterday at 4:00 and thought it would be safe to go to Best Buy in Tri-County to get a couple of movies that were released. Keep in mind that I was having this thought as I was scraping off about 2 inches of snow off my car. Of course I had made several critical errors when making this decision.

1. I listened to the weather peoples earliest report of 1-3 inches of snow, AT MOST.
   
2. I then subtracted an inch because weather people are NEVER correct.
3. I then thought since it is 4:00 I am getting a jump start on traffic, I should be fine.
4. I forgot to factor in things like women, cell phones, and Cincinnati's over all lack of preparedness.

This all led to a 3 hour jaunt to Target, not Best Buy, and back home. Most of that was because I was stubborn and refused to go home, after about 1.5 hours I need those movies to show that I can beat Mother Nature.

Once I got home and then shoveled my driveway and was in an over all fowl mood I thought to myself which is worse being stuck in your car for three hours or being stuck in your house for three days? This, of course, comes up because last week due to the snow and ice I was stuck at home for three days.

Stuck in car
Pros

1. Loved listening to Sports talk radio. I actually got to listen to all the the Reds hot stove report.
2. Can always change the radio station if bored and get something different, if anyone has satellite it is even better.
3. Ever changing scenery, all be it at 10 miles an hour.
4. Get to watch idiot divers do idiot stuff and laugh.
5. Every once in a while when there was no one around get to do fun stuff in your car that would freak your wife out.

Cons

1. You are stuck in one place, your seat, seat belted in, it is very tomb like.
2. If there are horrible songs on all your stations, and idiot callers on talk radio it is like being in hell.
3. Although the idiots are fun to watch it can become very concerning when they get close to your car.
4. Being stuck at the same light for three cycles because all those a-holes turning left have to sit in the middle of the intersection is MADDENING!
5. Those fun things you do in your car are no longer fun when you almost take out a telephone pole.

Stuck in the House
Pros

1. You are at your house and can get up and move around, go into a different room.
2. No issue in case you really have to go to the bathroom. I mean if you are in your car you have to go all astronaut and pee your self.
3. Less idiots to deal with. Keep in mind that I have a crazy dog.
4. Other forms of entertainment, get on the Internet, watch T.V. Of course those are slightly counter productive to actual work, but who really knows?!
5. You can demand that your wife work naked all day, not that I did pervs, I am just saying it is an option.
6. Ability to change into comfortable clothes and not wear shoes. P.S. I hate shoes.

Cons

1. THREE DAYS! That is like an eternity when you are literally stuck with the same person and same two dogs, one of which annoys the bejesus out of me, the entire time. Stir craziness started to take effect mid way through day two!
2. Because I was working from home I hated to ever leave my PC because I wanted to make sure people knew I was working. There is always that guilt I feel when I work from home.
3. Being concerned that my Duke energy bill is going to be like getting gang banged in a prison shower. I mean I had two PC's going and a T.V., an I-Pod dock, heat was turned up, and more lights were on.
4. Just because my wife had the option to shower doesn't mean she did! Granted she was sick, but is mixing in a shower too much to ask?!
5. I think I had to shovel show four different times. I HATE shoveling snow, mix in ice and I hate it even more. But when you are stuck at home you get the pleasure of doing it every hour or so!

So, by a narrow margin, at least in my book, I would rather be stuck in the house for three days. I had me at indoor plumbing! Of course that all might change when I get my energy bill this month. I know the car was only three hours, but it was three hours of barely moving and three hours of sitting in the same position can get quite uncomfortable.

So what do YOU think?

Top Ten Super Bowl Catches

After recovering from a nightmare of a Super Bowl in which the hated Steelers stole the Lombardi Trophy right out from under the Cardinals with what I consider to be the best Super Bowl catch of all time, I decided to rank all the great catches from Super Bowls past.

1. Santonio Holmes, 2009 Toe Drag

2. David Tyree, 2008 Helmet Catch

3. Phil McConkey, 1986 off Mark Bravaro's helmet.
4. John Taylor, 1989 Dagger in the hearts of Bengals fans everywhere.
5. Lynn Swann, 1976 He had two great catches in that Super Bowl, take your pick!
6. John Stallworth, 1979
7. Max McGee, 1967 The one hand grab.
8. Hines Ward, 2006 receiver to receiver.
9. Issac Bruce, 2000 the go ahead score to win it for the Rams
10. Gary Clark, 1988 The go ahead for the Redskins to beat the Broncos.

A particularly hard topic for a Bengals fan to write about since four of the top ten are Steelers and the John Taylor catch was against the Bengals in the Super Bowl. So according to my math half of this list is just painful to think/talk/write about.

I give the nod to Holmes' catch as number one since it was in the end zone and actually sealed the deal for the Steelers. It was a tough call though since the Tyree catch did set up the winning score and it was for an underdog win. Had the Tyree catch been in the end zone it would still be the reigning champ.

There was special consideration to John Elway catching a pass and being the first quarterback to do so in the 1988 Super Bowl, but other than being the first quarterback to catch a pass in the Super Bowl there was nothing to dramatic about it.

I REALLY hate the Steelers.