Mental Deficiencies and other ramblings of a mad man.

Movie Bad Ass Champion

2009-04-27T08:42:00.002-04:00

Uncontested our winner of the 2009 Movie Bad Ass Championship is Bruce Willis. Much Like North Carolina this year in the NCAA tournament Bruce never really hit a road bump on his way to winning it all. His toughest match came in the Sweet Sixteen against Denzel Washington, every other match he cruised through, including the championship game.

What is it about Bruce Willis that makes him the winner? Is it the normal guy toughness that Bruce seems to display in Die Hard? Is it the cold hard killer in the Whole Nine Yards? Is it the a-hole tough guy we all wish we could be from the Last Boyscout? Either way it is clear that Bruce Willis is a tough S.O.B. and this years winner.

He sure is.

Make sure to check out my new blog....

http://www.battleforohio.com

I will be posting there from now on, thank you for all your support faithful readers.

Movie Bad Ass Championship.

2009-04-23T09:29:00.002-04:00

Her it is, the moment of truth. The final two titans prepared to do battle to the death, or until a clear winner emerges. It has been a long tough road for both of these "gentlemen," but worth it for the title of best movie bad ass! The matchup is:

#1 Bruce Willis VS. #1 Sylvester Stallone

Bruce is coming of his easiest victory yet, he took 100% of the vote against Harrison Ford. Apparently Harrison took a page out of John Lennon's book and just married the wrong girl. Yoko broke up the Beatles and Calista Flockhart ruined Harrison's chances here. I mean how can a bad ass marry that?

The Italian Stallion, on the other hand just came of his toughest victory. He was only able to get by the Duke with one vote. He is lucky that he uses automatic weapons, roids help too.

So it has come down to two bad ass dudes, but they are bad asses for different reasons. So who will win? Who will come out of this alive? Vote now and find out!

Bruce Willis

VS
Sylvester Stallone

I found this little gem, is it a sign of things to come?

Only YOU can decide! Vote now, as always you can reply here or you can email me at:

stripes79@gmail.com

Thank you and enjoy!

Movie Bad Asses Final Four

2009-04-20T10:35:00.002-04:00

The Final Four is upon us and there are few surprises. John Wayne as a number four seed has "snuck" in and Clint Eastwood fell to Harrison Ford in the last round. So, it has come down to four ass kicking legends and it will be up to YOU to see who will battle in the championship match.

#1 Bruce Willis vs #3 Harrison Ford. Hope this one doesn't come down to sidekicks. Bruce has a kid that sees dead people, Milla Jovavich, and Damon Waynes. Harrison Ford has a wookie.
#1 Sylvester Stallone vs #4 John Wayne. It is like Hank Aaron vs Barry Bonds, bot can mash, both will be in the hall of fame, but one you are a bit suspicious of. John is as old school as it gets, he is like my father, no matter how old he gets you know he could easily kick your ass. Stallone single-handedly kicked Communism's ass. Of course he does have Judge Dread and Rocky IV to his credit too.

Bruce Willis

VS
#3 Harrison Ford

#1 Sylvester Stallone

VS
#4 John Wayne

Make your choices, so that we can see who the two final titans will be. As always you can vote here by posting a response, or you can email me at:

stripes79@gmail.com

Enjoy and be on the look out on about Thursday for the championship matchup!

Movie Bad Ass Elite 8

2009-04-16T08:21:00.003-04:00

The Elite 8 is finally upon us and there was only one real surprise. Brad Pitt as a 6 seed sneaks in. Was it his performance in Fight Club? Were people scared because of his role in 12 Monkeys? Either way he is in and has a tough draw against Bruce Willis.

I love the variety we have. Old school like Clint and John Wayne, bruisers like Stallone and the Governator, legends like Willis, Ford and Jackson. So lets look at the match-ups we have.

#1 Bruce Willis vs #6 Brad Pitt. Can "Pretty Boy" Bangalina muster up the strength to take down a legend like John McLane?
#1 Clint Eastwood vs #3 Harrison Ford. A classic showdown. It will be a duel outside the Mos Eisley Cantina at high noon, if that is even possible with two suns.
#1 Sylvester Stallone vs #2 Arnold Schwarzenegger. Its a classic slobber knocker and who knows which roided out freak will come out on top? Stallone took down communism, Arnold took down an alien, it really could go either way.
#2 Samuel Jackson vs #4 John Wayne. John was the first to take down a #1 seed, can he bring the upset again? If anyone can do it, it will be John. Sam can not show hesitation like he did against the Emperor or the result will be the same, he will be tossed thousands of feet out a window.

Bruce Willis

VS
Brad Pitt

Clint Eastwood

VS
Harrison Ford

Sly Stallone

VS
Arnold Schwarzenegger

Samuel Jackson

VS
John Wayne

There is the complete Elite 8 field. Let the voting begin, do it early and often and be on the look out for the final four on Monday or Tuesday! As always you can vote here by leaving a reply, or you can email me at:

stripes79@gmail.com

Thank you and enjoy!

Movie Bad Asses Sweet 16 Part 2

2009-04-13T08:38:00.003-04:00

Here we are at part 2, to decide who moves on to the Elite 8. But first, of course, we will recap what happened with the first 4 matchups.

In the closest vote so far, Bruce Willis wins by one and proves that even a "man on fire" is no match for John McLane.
Achilles takes down Rob Roy pretty easily.
Bruce Lee show up to a gun fight with a sword, Dirty Harry wins easy.
Bond proves to be no better of a shot than Greedo, Han Solo wins.

So, half the field is set for the Elite 8 of bad assness, let decide the other half!

Sylvester Stallone

VS
Chuck Norris

Vin Diesel

VS
Arnold Schwarzenegger

Robert De Niro

VS
John Wayne

Samuel Jackson

VS
Al Pacino

So there it is, the second half of the Sweet 16. Now vote early and often and round out the Elite 8!
As always vote here by responding, or email me at:

stripes79@gmail.com

Thank you, and enjoy!

Movie Bad Asses Sweet 16 Part 1

2009-04-08T10:36:00.003-04:00

The Sweet 16 is finally here, so lets review the matchups.

#1 Bruce Willis vs #5 Denzel Washington
#6 Brad Pitt vs #10 Liam Neeson
#1 Clint Eastwood vs #4 Bruce Lee
#3 Harrison Ford vs #10 Sean Connery
#1 Sly Stallone vs #4 Chuck Norris
#6 Vin Diesel vs #2 Arnold Schwarzenegger
#1 Robert De Niro vs #4 John Wayne
#3 Al Pacino vs #2 Samuel Jackson

All the number 1's are still alive and two 10 seeds have squeaked in, and now it is time to get down to business. Let the voting begin to see who advances to the elite 8!

Bruce Willis

VS
Denzel Washington

Brad Pitt

VS
Liam Neeson

Clint Eastwood

VS
Bruce Lee

Harrison Ford

VS
Sean Connery

So there is the first grouping to vote for, the next grouping will be up on Monday to decide the elite 8! As always vote here by replying or email me at:

stripes79@gmail.com

Enjoy everyone!

Another Crimianl to the Bengals?

2009-04-08T08:55:00.009-04:00

So, Tank Johnson is a Bengal? My initial reaction was the same as an other Bengal fan I am sure, seriously another criminal? Mike Brown just can't help himself, he has to go out and find that troubled, talented player and smooth the edges until he is a polished diamond that everyone will envy.

And how has that turned out for him so far? Odell Thurman; kept it together for one year and then ran a gamut of drunk driving and assault charges until finally Marvin got fed up and threw his crap out of the locker room. After one suspension and failure to comply with the NFL's drug policy Odell is currently no longer playing in the NFL. Chris Henry; failure from the start. He has served two different suspensions, been cut from the team and brought back, And has been linked, accused and found guilty of a myriad of issues from sex charges, to assault, to drugs. Chris Henry is back on the Bengals currently and to his credit has stayed out of trouble for a year, but you have to wonder at this point when the other shoe will drop. And those are the biggest two, don't forget that Eric Steinbach (Browns), Jonathan Joseph (Bengals), Deltha O'Neal (Patriots), Frostee Rucker (Bengals), A.J. Nicholson (No where), Mattias Askew (Denver Broncos), and Reggie McNeal (Toronto Argonauts) also were involved in incidents when with the Bengals.

So, I ask you, how am I and the rest of Bengal nation supposed to react when the Bengals bring in yet another guy with a rap sheet? I mean it actually turned my stomach and made me almost scream out. I wanted to drive down to Paul Brown Stadium and demand to talk to Mike Brown. After breathing into a paper bag for an hour and over dosing on some Prozac I did some research.

As it turns out, Tank Johnson might not be that bad of a guy. After reading up he has not been in trouble since 2007 and that was for speeding. He was going 40mph in a 20, who hasn't done that? I know I do. So, really all his issues are from 2006. And of those problems it was all because he had a gun in his car and Illinois does not have a conceal carry licence. Plus most of his altercations happened at nightclubs, and Cincinnati shuts down at 6:00 PM so he should be fine here!

He played all year last year for Dallas and was marginally productive in their 3-4 defense and is expected to be a better fit for a 4-3 like the Bengals have. After reading the facts I think this is a good move. The Bengals get a guy that is 27 and has a knack for getting to the quarterback. This will cause teams to double team him and take some pressure off Gathers and Odem. For a defense that was ranked 12th last year and could NOT get to the quarterback, just imagine what adding a 27 year old who has a history of getting to the quarterback can do? by the way Keith Rivers will be back from a broken jaw this year too!

The best part is that with a rotation of Pecko, Simms, and Johnson there is no drop off of talent, and Johnson is not coming in off the streets like Dahani Jones and Chris Crocker had to! he will be in for camp and will get to mesh and learn where he is supposed to be. Kudos to the Bengals to "rolling the dice." Even though I really feel that a guy that has not been in serious trouble since 2006 and it was for gun possession, not like he was firing it at anyone, like say Chris Henry, is not much of a risk. If this guy has 40 tackles and 3+ sacks and no legal issues then I would consider it a HUGE success and the Bengals could really use a home run here with as many called strike threes they have had!

Movie Bad Ass Round 2 Region 4

2009-04-06T08:27:00.003-04:00

The final region for round two is upon us. Time to vote to see who gets in to the sweet 16! But first, we of course will review what happened last region.

Sylvester Stallone went Judge Dread on Hugh Jackman and showed him that he truly is the law.
Chuck Norris uses his beard fist to clean Jean-Claude's clock. Chuck is growing concerned that he won't have to break a sweat to win this tournament.
Vin Diesel turns Sir Anthony into roadkill, which incidentally Hannibal would have eaten as a side dish to his brain pudding.
I would say it was a classic case of David vs. Goliath when the governator took on the Hulk, but I think they are the same size. In any case, Conan moves on.

No upsets that round, all the higher seeds moved on. Now lets see what we have left for the final region.

#1 Robert De Niro

VS
#9 Jason Statham

#4 John Wayne

VS
#12 Viggo Mortensen

#6 Christian Bale

VS
#3 Al Pacino

#2 Samuel Jackson

VS
#7 R. Lee Ermey

There it is, region 4 in all it glory. Now it is time for YOU to decides the final 4 spots for the sweet 16, make it count! As always vote here by replying or simply email me at:

stripes79@gmail.com

Thanks again and enjoy!

Movie Bad Asses Round 2 Region 3.

2009-04-03T08:18:00.003-04:00

Recap of region 2:

Eastwood plays dirty and sends Larry back to the matrix with his tail between his legs.
Lee > Li in the battle of the Leigh's!
Indy whips Maaaaaatttt Daaaaaaaamon.
Cinderella alert! Sean Connery proves that Bond can take down anyone, especially alcoholic anti Semites!

Two number 10 seeds still alive and kicking, amazing! All number 1's are still alive, can it be an all number 1 final four? Keep tuning in to find out! So, on to this weeks matchups.

#1 Sylvester Stallone

VS
#8 Hugh Jackman

#5 Jean-Claude Van Damme

VS
#4 Chuck Norris

#6 Vin Diesel

VS
#14 Anthony Hopkins

#10 Edward Norton

VS
#2 Arnold Schwarzenegger

So, there is round 2 region 3. Vote early and often! As always just reply here or email me:

Stripes79@gmail.com

Movie Bad Ass Round 2 Region 2

2009-03-31T08:20:00.002-04:00

Quick recap of Region 1:

The Tomb Raider is put in her tomb. Bruce Willis defeats Angelina handily.
Denzel does what Tommy Lee Jones and the IRS could not, he takes down Wesley Snipes.
Upset #1, Brad Pitt throws away Charles Bronson like he was Jennifer Aniston.
Upset #2, Cinderella alert! Liam Neeson makes Snake look like a worm, Guess he should not have done all those crappy Disney movies!

And here are the current matchups.

#1 Clint Eastwood.

VS
#8 Laurence Fishburne.

#5 Jet Li.

VS
#4 Bruce Lee.

#6 Matt Damon.

VS
#3 Harrison Ford.

#10 Sean Connery.

VS
#2 Mel Gibson.

As always post your votes here or email me at:

stripes79@gmail.com

Thank you and enjoy!

Movie Bad Ass Round 2

2009-03-26T08:41:00.002-04:00

Round one is finished. Anthony Hopkins is the surprise upset as a 14 topples a 3 seed. Not a single 7 seed advances and all number ones are still alive. before moving on here is a quick recap of region 4.

In the first and only shutout De Niro stuffs Roth's body in the trunk of his taxi and drives it into a lake.
Will Smith and Jason Statham tied for the first time ever and I have to invoke a tiebreaker. The tie breaker involved asking a random co-worker who voted for Statham. Do it looks like a guy that hooks a car battery to his nipples to keep his heart going is by a narrow margin a bigger bad ass?
Tom Cruise may be able to leap couches in a single bound, but he falls short when going against a Ranger from hobitville. Winner Mortensen.
Burt Reynolds offers John Wayne a moustache ride and the Duke punches him so hard that he thinks Sally Fields is hot....again. Winner John Wayne.
Mickey Rourke steps in Christian Bale's light, it was all over after that. Winner Bale.
Liotta was a goodfella, and goodfellas finish last. Winner Pacino.
The real marine defeats the fake marine by one vote. Winner Ermey.
Russell Crowe makes fun of Samuel Jackson's purple lightsaber, Russell Crowe is now in 10,000 pieces, lesson learned. Winner Jackson.

So with round one complete, it is time for tougher decisions. Only the toughest will move on to the sweet 16, good luck and happy voting!

#1 Bruce Willis

VS
#9 Angelina Jolie

#5 Denzel Washington

VS
#4 Wesley Snipes

#6 Brad Pitt

VS
#3 Charles Bronson

#10 Liam Neeson

VS
#2 Kurt Russell

Cast your vote for who moves on to the sweet 16! As always post a reply here or email me at:

stripes79@gmail.com

Thank you and enjoy!

Movie Bad Ass Region 4

2009-03-23T08:07:00.002-04:00

So, here it is the final region before moving on to the second round. Get your voting fingers ready, but first a recap from the previous region.

Marlon might win a street fight or gang war, but in a real war Stallone takes him down with no problems.
In the most lopsided victory of the tournament so far Hugh Jackman extends his claws and tears out Seagal's heart, as well as cutting off that ridiculous pony tail.
Close Victory, but Owen ran out of bullets and was no match for Jean Claude hand to hand.
Another surprising close victory for Chuck Norris. "The Beard" under whelms in his victory over Bandaras and you have to wonder what the future will hold?
Madsen is not match for Diesel. Vin takes care of him in a fast and furious manner.
The upset of the tournament so far, Sir Hannibal Lecture devours Daniel Day-Lewis....literally.
Ed Norton edges out Collin Farrell. When Collin is moody he sulks, when Edward gets moody he turns into the Hulk. Victory Edward.
Not even a well place sniper shot can take down the Governator. Arnold wins easily.

So there is the recap, now on to the final region!

#1 Robert De Niro ( The Godfather II, Taxi Driver, Raging Bull, Untouchables, Goodfellas, Cape Fear, Heat, Copland, Righteous Kill.)

VS
#16 Tim Roth ( Reservoir Dogs, Pulp Fiction, Rob Roy, Four Rooms, The Incredible Hulk)

#8 Will Smith ( Bad Boys (2), Independence Day, Men in Black (2), Enemy of the State, I, Robot, I am Legend.)

VS
#9 Jason Statham ( Transporter (3), Crank (2), War, Death Race.)

#5 Tom Cruise ( Top Gun, Born on the Fourth of July, A Few Good Men, Mission Impossible (3), Minority Report, The Last Samurai, Collateral, Valkyrie.)

VS
#12 Viggo Mortensen ( GI Jane, Psycho, 28 Days, Lord of the Rings (3), A History of Violence, Appaloosa.)

#4 John Wayne ( Maker of Men, Two Fisted Law, Blue Steel, The Night Riders, Seven Sinners, Angel and the Bad Man, The Alamo, The Longest Day, How the West was Won, In Harms Way, True Grit, Hellfighters.)

VS
#13 Burt Reynolds ( Deliverance, The Longest Yard, Smokey and the Bandit (3), Cannonball Run (2), Stroker Ace, Heat.)

#6 Christian Bale ( American Psycho, Reign of Fire, Equilibrium, Batman Begins, Rescue Dawn, 3:10 to Yuma, The Dark Knight.)

VS
#11 Mikey Rourke ( Year of the Dragon, 9 1/2 Weeks, Point Blank, Get Carter, Once Upon a Time in Mexico, Sin City, Domino, The Wrestler.)

#3 Al Pacino ( The Godfather (3), Dog Day Afternoon, Scarface, Dick Tracy, Frankie and Johnny, Carlito's Way, Heat, The Devil's Advocate, The Recruit, Righteous Kill.)

VS
#14 Ray Liotta ( Goodfellas, Unlawful Entry, No Escape, Copland, Hannibal, Smoking Aces, In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale.)

#7 R. Lee Ermey ( Real Life Marine, Apocalypse Now, Full Metal Jacket, Body Snatchers, Love is a Gun, On Deadly Ground.)

VS
#10 Jack Nicholson ( One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, The Shining, Batman, A Few Good Men, The Departed.)

#2 Samuel Jackson ( Patriot Games, True Romance, Pulp Fiction, Kiss of Death, Die Hard With a Vengeance, The Long Kiss Goodnight, The Negotiator, Star Wars ( I-III), Rules of Engagement, Basic, SWAT, Jumper.)

VS
#15 Russell Crowe ( The Quick and the Dead, LA Confidential, Gladiator, Proof of Life, Cinderella Man, Master and Commander, Body of Lies.)

And there it is, the final region. Vote now and on Thursday I will post the start of round two! As always you can post your votes here, or email me:

stripes79@gmail.com

Enjoy all!

Bengals Draft V2.0

2009-03-19T10:17:00.007-04:00

The NFL Combine is over, free agency is moving slower than a fat kid in a wind tunnel, and the draft is about a month away. Time to think a little more intently on what the Bengals should do starting April 25th.

I know I have prefaced this before, but I feel I should go over it again. I say SHOULD because this is what I think they should do, and in no way am I an expert, although I honestly feel that I could run this team better than Mike Brown. Plus the Bengals have a nack for surprising everyone and taking players that have no business going where they drafted them. For example, last year in the second round of the draft, since they didn't get Sedrick Ellis in the first round like they wanted I thought for sure they were going to grab one in the second round. To Quote Lex Luthor in Superman Returns, "WRONGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG." They drafted a project Wide Receiver! Mind boggling!

So what needs have already been addressed in free agency?

Offensive line? Negative. Jason Brown was there for the taking. A center that is only 27 and played in the AFC North with Baltimore, can you say a perfect fit? Instead the Bengals let St. Louis signs him with no competition at all. That might have been the biggest failure of the off season for the Bengals. They did not re-sign Stacey Andrews to help out at tackle. Not shocking since Stacey has been trying to get out of here since he got here to play with his brother in Philly. I am OK with this IF the Bengals draft a tackle in the first round like they should.
Running back? 1/2. They did resign Cedric Benson, which I thought was the best move they could have made in free agency, but they will still need to draft a running back at some point. The good news is that they can wait to draft one instead of taking one in the first two rounds. Sadly I can still see Mike Brown wanting that shiny new toy and taking Chris Wells in the first round which would be dumber than Fox cancelling Family Guy.
Safety? Check. Dexter "silly" Jackson is gone and Chris Crocker was resigned. A good move, you keep the attitude and you get younger and healthier. I know Roy Williams is on his way for a visit and I am not against it if you can get him for a price, but we have other needs that would justify spending the money he may command.
Quarterback? Check. J.T. O'Sullivan is no better or worse than Ryan Fitzpatrick, it is an interchangeable part provided Palmer is healthy this year. Of course upgrading that line might go a long way to ensuring that 'Ol J.T. remains on the side lines where he belongs.
Wide Receiver? Undecided. Am I sad that T.J. is gone? Yes. He played with a passion and fire that is rarely seen, he was easily the most reliable receiver we had, but he did not want to be here either. I want players to want to be here, if you don't then I know they will not be giving 100% on the field. So we replace him with Laverneaus Coles. Same age really, possibly faster, but more like Chad than T.J. We need a tough possession receiver, not another aging speedster. I will try to reserve judgement, since I know Cauldwell and Simpson aren't ready and we know Marvin doesn't even want Chris Henry on the team, but I would think that with the money we gave Coles it could have been better spent elsewhere. See my point about the offensive line.
Fullback? Negative. If I have to watch Dan "The Statue" Coats miss another block again this year, or miss another hole that he was supposed to plow through for Benson, I think I will freaking lose it. I know we had some visits from fullbacks, but still none signed.

So there is what the Bengals have done in free agency. I give them a solid C. Still quite a few holes to fill in the draft, looking at another .500 year I think. So, for my draft analysis I have listed 5 player per round that I think will be there for the Bengals to draft. Also depending on what they take in each round will determine what position/hole they should fill in the next round. They will be getting compensation picks for Justin Smith and Madiu Williams, I am just not sure where they will be, so I am not accounting for those.

Round One:

Jason Smith OT Baylor
Eugene Monroe OT Virgina
Michael Oher OT Ole Miss
Brian Orakpo DE Texas
B.J. Raji DT Boston College
Everette Brown DE Florida State

Hmmmmmm, does anyone see a trend here? All players are linemen on offense or defense! The Bengals were HORRIBLE in the trenches last year, which was the biggest contributing factor with going 4-11-1. In 2005, you know when they made the playoffs, they only allowed 8 sacks all year, they did that in 2 1/2 games this past year. The Bengals need to get more pressure on the quarterback, I have been saying this for years, I hope they finally listen!

Round Two:

Evnader Hood DT Missouri
Clint Sintim DE Virgina
Paul Kruger DE Utah
James Laurinaitis LB OSU
Max Unger C/G Oregon

I am assuming that the Bengals are smart enough to grab one of the top three tackles, since it is a NEED and all of them are ready to step in and play. So, assuming Mike Brown isn't running the team and they make the smart move and get offensive line they should do the smart thing again and draft defensive line in the second round. Possible exceptions include The Animals son since Dahani isn't getting any younger and James has the talent and fire. Max Unger might be a reach, but center is another gaping hole that will have to be addressed.

Round Three:

Eric Wood C Lousiville
Jonathan Lugis C Arkansas
Donald Brown RB UConn
Herman Johnson G LSU
Rashad Jennings RB Liberty

Pretty simple in this round, trying to account for what the Bengals might have done by telling you what I would have done. If they take OT and then DE/DT then you HAVE to address C in this round or all the good ones will be gone, and after three years of Guichuc, we need a good one. But another possibility would be running back, since Benson will be gone in two years and the cupboard is bare otherwise.

Round Four:

Antoine Caldwell C Alabama
Scott McKillop LP Pitt
Phillip Hunt DE Houston
Andre Brown RB N.C. State
Cedric Peerman RB Virgina

A little bit of everything as far as options this round. Again trying to make sure that they cover their NEEDS first. In case they still don't have a center, I think that Antoine might be the last NFL ready center available and had better grab him. Again Dahani is not getting any younger and it might be time to draft his replacement with McKillop. Hunt is good value in the fourth round, I would have him rated higher if his first name was Mike. Of course if that was his first name, I know what my next jersey would be! Brown and Peerman are about the last two running backs that I feel pretty good about.

Round Five:

Javon Ringer RB Michigan State
James Davis RB Clemson
Brandon Williams DE Texas Tech
Vance Walker DT Georgia Tech
Domonique Johnson CB Jackson State

The last two running backs that I am even luke warm about. If they have not drafted a running back by now, better luck next year. More defensive line depth. Might also look for some offensive line depth here as well, possibly a project tackle like they had with Stacey Andrews a few years ago. Decent corner with good size and can run fast. Possible return guy and third corner, which we need judging on David Jones performance last year.

Round Six:

Branna Southerland FB Georgia
Jasper Brinkly LB South Carolina
Kevin Barnes CB Maryland
Brandon Hughes CB Oregon State
Bruce Johnson CB Miami

Again a third corner needs to be addressed and I tired to incorporate guys that would also serve as decent return guys, since we just lost Glen Holt to the Vikings. Plus when was the last time anyone was worried about the Bengals returning a touchdown on a kickoff? We need that threat! I also mixed in a fullback which is desperately needed according to me, please see the fullback section above in case you forgot. Also threw in a linebacker that might slip because he was hurt part of last year and would be good value here. A bit of a risk, but might be worth it for the reward.

Round Seven:

Tony Fiammetta FB Syracuse
Colt David K LSU
Kevin Huber P Cincinnati
Tim Masthay P Kentucky
Pat McAfee K West Virgina

Threw in another fullback that can block for good measure, because lets face it in Bob Bratkowski's VERY complicated offense that is all the fullback is going to do is block. And finally some kickers and punters. Larson has gotten worse every year and needs to be pushed or released. I did not like that they tagged Shayne Graham, but since they did it is time to find his replacement so that they are not tempted to make that mistake again.

Let me repeat, this is what I think the Bengals should be looking at, well this and more. Hell I am only one man the Bengals have twice as many scouts, almost literally! So here it is in a nutshell for the Bengals '09 draft needs. Would not mind them focusing on a return specialist later in the draft either, but that is if they have already filled all NEEDS. I love Connor Barwin out of UC too, but not sure he will be available when the Bengals are drafting.

Movie Bad Ass Region 3

2009-03-18T08:31:00.004-04:00

A recap of region 2, no real surprises with the exception of another 10-7 upset.

Eastwood gives the most lopsided victory so far by collecting all the votes except one. Lets hope he isn't going to strong to early, he is 80+ and has at least 5 more games to be crowned champion.
Call him Larry, call him Morpheus, call him Laurence, just don't call him Keanu's bitch. 'Ol Larry proves that Neo still has a lot to learn.
In battle of the Asians part I Jet Li kung-fu's his way right past Lucy Liu. She may be hot and she may be deadly in Kill Bill, but Jet Li says siyanora to Lucy as he advances to the next round.
In a closer vote than I thought Bruce Lee edges out Sigourney Weaver. Thus proving that Ripley may be able to take out aliens, but fails to take out dragons.
Matt Damon is a clear winner. The best part is that after the match up he can go all talented Mr. Ripley and act just like Costner, so we all have the best of both worlds!
Harrison Ford shows no hesitation, and there is no weird screen jump when he shoots first this time. All it took was that one shot and Mr. White fell like a sack of potatoes, perhaps Harvey should have fired the gun instead of trying to break Harrison's nose with it?
Upset of this region, Sean Connery takes down Marky Mark. had it been shirts vs skins Mark might have stood a chance against Sir Connery, but THE Bond handles Mark's funky bunch with no real issues.
Mel Gibson confuses Johnny Depp's nappy long hair and disheveled look for Christ and decides to hang him on a cross. Victory for the anti-Semite.

Now on to the third region:

#1 Slyvester Stalone ( Rocky (6), Rambo (4), Cobra, Demolition Man, Get Carter.)

VS
#16 Marlon Brando ( Julius Caesar, The Godfather, Superman, Apocalypse Now, The Score.)

#8 Steven Seagal ( Hard to Kill, Under Siege (2), Half Past Dead, Out for a Kill.)

VS
#9 Hugh Jackman ( X-Men (3), Swordfish, Van Helsing, Australia.)

#5 Jean-Claude Van Damme ( Bloodsport, Kickboxer, Lionheart, Hard Target, Universal Soldier.)

VS
#12 Clive Owen ( Hostage, King Aurthur, Sin City, Inside Man, Shoot 'em Up.)

#4 Chuck Norris ( A Force of One, Missing in Action (2), The Delta Force (2), The Cutter.)

VS
#13 Antonio Banderas ( Desperado, Assassins, The Mask of Zorro, Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever, One Upon a Time in Mexico.)

#6 Vin Diesel ( Pitch Black, Fast and the Furious, xXx, The Chronicles of Riddick, A Man Apart.)

VS
#11 Michael Madsen ( Beyond the Law, Reservoir Dogs, The Getaway, Wyatt Earp, Man With a Gun, Donnie Brasco, Bad Guys, Outlaw, Kill Bill (2).)

#3 Daniel Day-Lewis ( The Last of the Mohicans, Gangs of New York, There Will be Blood.)

VS
#14 Anthony Hopkins ( Hannibal Lecture (3), The Mask of Zorro, Dracula, Mission Impossible II, Alexander, Fracture.)

#7 Colin Farrell ( American Outlaws, Minority Report, The Recruit, Daredevil, S.W.A.T., Alexander.)

VS
#10 Edward Norton ( American History X, Fight Club, Kingdom of Heaven, The Incredible Hulk.)

#2 Arnold Schwarzenegger ( Conan (2), Terminator (3), Predator, Total Recall, True Lies, Governor.)

VS
#15 Tom Berenger ( Platoon, Shoot to Kill, Born on the Fourth of July, Sniper, Rough Riders.)

So there it is, region 3. Like always either vote by posting a comment here, or emailing me at:

stripes79@gmail.com

I will Probably post the last region on Saturday and once that is finished it will be on to round two where the decisions will be tougher!

Enjoy!

Movie Bad Ass Region #2

2009-03-16T08:25:00.004-04:00

Before moving on to the second bracket, let's run through who moved on to the second round from the first bracket.

Bruce Willis proved that he does in fact die hard and Yipee-Ky-Yeahed right past Milla Jovovich. Angelina buried Uma in a tomb and made sure she was dead this time, can't make the same mistake twice. Denzel caught fire and tore Travolta's face right off. Wesley Snipes used his blades and carved up Hugo Weaving like a turkey dinner. Brad Pitt, like the one many army he is, made a snuff film of Nicolas Cage. As CJ predicted, James Caan had a death wish and Charles Bronson was more than happy to give it to him. Val Kilmer must have kidnapped Liam Neeson's daughter, because in upset fashion, Liam takes down Doc Holiday. And finally, Bond he may be, but he is no match for Snake as he escapes to the second round.

Now on to the second bracket match ups. Too see the actors body of work click on their name, it is a hyper link. I will list some of their highlights though.

#1 Clint Eastwood. ( Hang 'em High, High Plains Drifter, The Outlaw Josey Whales, The dead Pool, The Unforgiven, Gran Tarino.)

VS
#16 Dennis Hopper ( True Grit, Mad Dog Morgan, Blue Velvet, Speed, Waterworld.)

#8 Laurence Fishburne ( Apocalypse Now, Boyz in the Hood, The Tuskegee Airmen, Event Horizon, The Matrix Trilogy, Assult on Precinct 13, Mission Impossible III.)

VS
#9 Keanu Reeves ( Point Break, Speed, Johnny Mnemonic, The Matrix trilogy, Constatine.)

#5 Jet Li ( Leathal Weapon 4, Cradle to the Grave, War.)

VS
#12 Lucy Liu ( Payback, True Crime, Charlie's Angels (2), Kill Bill (2).)

#4 Bruce Lee ( Enter the Dragon, Game of Death.)

VS
#13 Sigourney Weaver ( Alien; 4 movies total)

#6 Matt Damon ( Saving Private Ryan, Rounders, The Bourne Trilogy, The Departed, The Good Shepard)

VS
#11 Kevin Costner ( The Untouchables, Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves, The Body Guard, Wyatt Earp, Mr. Brooks.)

#3 Harrison Ford ( Star Wars (3), Indiana Jones (4), Blade Runner, Patriot Games, The Fugitive, Clear and Present Danger, What Lies Beneath, K: 19 The Widow Maker.

VS
#14 Harvey Keitel ( Copkiller, Wise Guys, The Last Temptation of Christ, Reservoir Dogs, Pulp Fiction, From Dusk till Dawn.)

#7 Mark Wahlberg ( Three Kings, The Perfect Storm, Four Brothers, The Departed, Shooter, Max Payne.)

VS
#10 Sean Connery ( From Russia With Love, Goldfinger, You Only Live Twice, Highlander, The Untouchables, The Hunt for the Red October, The Rock.)

#2 Mel Gibson ( Mad Max (3), Lethal Weapon (4), Ransom, Braveheart, Payback, The Patriot, We Were Soldiers.)

VS
#15 Johnny Depp ( Donnie Brasco, Sleepy Hollow, From Hell, Pirates of the Caribbean (3), Once Upton a Time in Mexico, Sweeney Todd.)

There it is, bracket number 2. Now, go and vote and tell all your friends!

Again you can reply here, or simply email me at:

Stripes79@gmail.com

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Movie Bad Asses Region 1.

2009-03-12T08:38:00.004-04:00

In honor of the NCAA tournament about to begin I have decided to have my own little bracket that you my faithful readers will decide the outcome. I have meticulously came up with a field of 64 with the help of friends Rick, Tony, CJ, Isaiah, and Jesy. With more help from Rick and Isaiah they have been seeded.

Every three days I will put up a new section of 16 "teams" for the world to vote on and we will move on through until there is a champion. Sadly you will have to email me your votes since blogger does not allow you to have polls inside your blog (stupid I know!)

stripes79@gmail.com

This bracket will determine who is the biggest movie bad ass. Will it be one of the favorites like Bruce Willis? or might underdogs like Mickey Rourke find a way to get though? Who will be the Cinderella, Liam Neeson? Who knows? it is all up to you faithful readers! So let's begin the voting!

#1 Bruce Willis (Die Hard, Die Hard 2, Hudson Hawk, The Last Boy Scout, Pulp Fiction, Die Hard With A Vengeance, 12 Monkeys, The Last Man Standing, The Fifth Element, The Jackal, The Siege, The Whole Nine Yards, Unbreakable, Heart's War, Tears of the Sun, The Whole Ten Yards, Hostage, Sin City, Alpha Dog, Lucky Number Slevin, Grindhouse, Perfect Stranger, Live Free or Die Hard.)

VS.
#16 Milla Jovovich (The Fifth Element, Resident Evil, Resident Evil Apocalypse, Ultra Violet, .45, Resident Evil: Extinction.)

#8 Uma Thurman ( Pulp Fiction, Batman & Robin, The Avengers, Kill Bill Vol 1, Kill Bill Vol 2)

VS.
#9 Angelina Jolie (Hackers, The bone Collector, Girl Interrupted, Gone in 60 Seconds, Laura Croft: Tomb Raider, Laura Croft Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life, Alexander, Mr. and Mrs Smith, Beowulf, Wanted.)

#5 Denzel Washington ( Glory, Malcom X, Crimson Tide, Courage Under Fire, Fallen, The Siege, The Hurricane, Training Day, John Q, Man on Fire, Inside Man, Deja Vu, American Gangster.)

VS.
#12 John Travolta ( Pulp Fiction, Get Shorty, Broken Arrow, Face Off, The Thin Red Line, The Generals Daughter, Battle Field Earth: A Saga of the Year 3000, Swordfish, Domestic Disturbance, Basic, The Punisher, Be Cool.)

#4 Wesley Snipes ( New Jack City, Passenger 57, Boiling Point, Rising Sun, Demolition Man, Murder at 1600, U.S. Marshalls, Blade, The Art of War, Liberty Stands Still, Blade II, The Marksman, Chaos, The Detonator, The Contractor, The Art of War II: Betrayal.)

VS.
#13 Hugo Weaving ( Matrix; agent Smith, Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring; Elrond, Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers, The Matrix Reloaded, The Matrix Revolutions, Lord of the Rings The Return of the King, V For Vendetta; V, Transformers; Megatron.)

#6 Brad Pitt ( Legends of the Fall, Se7en, 12 Monkeys, The Devils Own, Fight Club, Snatch, Spy Game, Troy, Mr. and Mrs. Smith, The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford.)

VS.
#11 Nicolas Cage ( Raising Arizona, Leaving Las Vegas, Con Air, Face Off, Snake Eyes, 8mm, Gone in 60 Seconds, Lord of War, Bangkok Dangerous.)

#3 Charles Bronson ( Target Zero, Machine-Gun Kelly, Gang War, The Magnificent Seven, The Great Escape, Guns of Diablo, Battle of the Bulge, The Dirty Dozen, The Stone Killer, Death Wish, Breakout, Love and Bullets, Death Hunt, Death Wish II, The Evil that Men Do, Death Wish 3, Act of Vengeance, Death Wish 4, Messenger of Death, Death Wish 5.)

VS.
#14 James Caan ( The Godfather, The godfather II, A Bridge too Far, Dick Tracy, The Program, The Way of the Gun.)

#7 Val Kilmer ( Top Gun, Willow, True Romance, Tombstone, Heat, The Saint, Deja Vu.)

VS.
#10 Liam Neeson ( Excalibur, The Dead Pool, Rob Roy, Micheal Collins, Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace, K-19: The Widowmaker, Gangs of New York, Kingdom of Heaven, Batman Begins, Taken.)

#2 Kurt Russell ( Guns of Diablo, The Deadly Tower, Escape From New York, Big Trouble Little China, Tango and Cash, Backdraft, Unlawful Entry, Tombstone, Stargate, Escape From LA, Soldier, Grindhouse, Deathproof.)

VS.
#15 Daniel Craig ( Laura Croft: Tomb Raider, Road to Predition, Casino Royale, The Invasion, Quantum Of Solace.)

So there is the first region, again please send your votes to me at:
stripes79@gmail.com
Or just reply here if you are a subscriber!
Tell all your friends, I want as many votes as possible for this!

A Man and His Keys.

2009-03-10T09:02:00.004-04:00

So recently I was at my Aunt and Uncles for a birthday party extravaganza. Theses are always pretty typical in the sequence of events no matter where we have them. People that are involved include:

Me.
My mother and father
My aunt Sue and Uncle John
Their Kids, my cousins, Jay, Joey , and David.
Grandpa, my moms dad

Sequence of events:

I arrive and the actual party begins. The good news for them is that they never need to hire entertainment provided I show up.
Aunt Sue will say' "Hey Kiddo." I think she always has and always will, it is part of her charm. Uncle John will say, "Hey man." again always has always will, everyone is "man" the first time he sees you, just the way it is.
Joey and Jay will both ask me about work. They will do it at different times though, they should really just hang out together and ask at the same time. I hate saying boring twice!
David will try to tell me a story and be interrupted by Joey. Joey has an attention to detail and does not like a story to deviate from how he remembered it. David will then roll his eyes and mock Joey.
At this point my mom should be on her second or third glass of wine, which means it is high time for me to start annoying her. Things I do to annoy her: Fill her wine glass too full, not fill it enough, hide it, argue with her on things that I either don't know about or don't care about, make sure that I point out that she can no longer win an argument by saying 'because I said so,' say things that I really don't mean, but that I know will get that look on her face that says she is annoyed.
Make fun of my fathers undying loyalty to the Browns. He will in turn make fun of my loyalty to the Bengals, no one wins here.
Mess up grandpas hair. He hates it, but secretly loves it.
By this time I have worn out my welcome and leave.

This is forever the sequence of events during any Kiesewetter/Herron get together, except this past Sunday. Joey broke out what I can only describe as shackles that he wears all day everyday, I think he might even sleep with them on his persons. What kills me is that this kid might weigh 150 pounds soaking wet and here he is lugging around this key/wallet/clip combination that might weigh 50 pounds itself.

I of course was fascinated by this, I could not imagine having to have all this stuff and needing to carry it around. I had him explain in detail why all the stuff and why in the arrangement that he had it in. Please see the picture above.

We will start with the blue claw looking thing, top right of the picture. First of all that thing needs to go, it is big and bulky and looks like some sort of torture device, I think we can get something a little bit more fashionable and/or discreet. Perhaps a lanyard to wear around his neck? Now, attached to the torture claw was a pen, a highlighter, and two USB thumb drives. He works on computers, so the thumb drives make sense, but anywhere you go you can find a pen to use and who really uses a highlighter and how often? So, to recap: Get rid of claw and get lanyard, lose the pen and highlighter as I have deemed them unnecessary. Also please get rid of the covers for the USB drives, again we are trying to get more stealthy, we do not want to give away your positions to charlie or geeks and nerds everywhere.

Next we move on to the clip that looks more like a metal octopus. Off the clip we have a chain to a wallet, a smaller wallet, a blue spirally thing for one set of keys, a green spirally thing for another set of keys, and some random black thing. What is amazing, as my future sister-in-law pointed out, was that there were no trinkets, or good luck charms on here, it was all sort of necessary stuff! But again, there is room for consolidation and reduction.

First of all let combine the keys, none of those keys looked even remotely similar, so there is no need to separate them. You will obviously not confuse them, and lets get rid of those spirally things too, they are gaudy and slightly unnecessary . Lets face it, the Keymaster from the Matrix has way more keys than Joey does and manages to keep them all on the same key ring.

Next we have two wallets. I sort of understand that one if strictly for his All-Card (Student ID) but I think that we can put that in the regular wallet. For four years in college I managed just fine with keeping it in one wallet. Might it be a slight bit more of a hassle though? I say no, either way you have to open a wallet and take it out to swipe it, so why not just put it in your regular wallet? So, now that we are down to one wallet is the chain necessary? personal preference I suppose, but if someone really wants to take your wallet, believe me that chain only helps. It gives them something to grab on to and yank. And if you think that belt loop won't just tear off, then think again!

So, now that we are down to one wallet and one set of keys, we can get rid of the clip. The clip was really the brain center of the keys and two wallets, but since our consolidation it is a brain with no purpose and can be lobotomized. And instead look more like this:

My theory is that Joey will read this and laugh and keep everything just the way it is, which is a good thing, Joey is his own man and marches to his own beat, it is what makes him Joey. I just noticed his crazy arrangement and had to weigh in on it.

Sure, if he did it my way he might not be dragging around a third of his body weight all day everyday, but on the flip side his lower body will be pretty strong! God speed Joseph, its your world I am just living in it.

Top 10 Movies where someone "Loses it."

2009-03-09T09:19:00.003-04:00

I saw "Taken" this weekend, with Liam Neeson. It was an excellent revenge movie with a lot of action, but I was even more excited to see a movie where a guy just loses it and does anything to accomplish his goal. I won't ruin too much of the movie for anyone, but it did get me thinking of some of the all time best, not just revenge movies, but movies where someone loses touch with reality and lets literally nothing stop them from accomplishing their goal.

Keep in mind that there are revenge movies that will not appear n this list, such as, "Start Trek II the Wrath of Kahn." It is an excellent movie even if you are not a Star Trek fan, but Kahn doesn't really lose it, he is a very calm villain, calculating, he doesn't really go crazy. On the opposite side of the spectrum the Joker is always crazy, so, "The Dark Knight" can't be used since there is never really a normal period for the Joker.

For the movies I have chosen all the main characters where normal people for the most part that had something happen to them or their family that made them "snap" and go through the rest of the movie with a glorious unempathetic rage! Also I am limiting this to movies that I have seen and can remember, so I am sure I am missing some good ones.

Man On Fire. Once John's new BFF is kidnapped it is all over. I could not still still during his interrogations, but it was awesome to see how calm he was while cutting off fingers!
Rambo. Take your pick, but I lean towards the first one. A war hero comes to town and a uppity sheriff decides to hassle him, bad move sheriff.
Desperado. All "El Mariachi" wanted to do was play his guitar and make love to his wife, but noooooo, the local drug lord couldn't have that, so he killed El's wife and wounded El. Should have killed him, because the fire of revenge burned so hot no guitar could help. This jumps up so high on the list because it has a very HOT Salma Hayek in it.
Taken. Some Albanians made the mistake of kidnapping a former operatives daughter to turn her into an international sex slave. You know he means business when he shoots his former friends wife in order to get information.
Falling Down. Not really a revenge flick here, just a good old fashioned psychotic breakdown! All the dude wants is to see his daughter on her birthday and the world conspires against him. Don't worry though, he will find a way to get back at the world. I love this film, because you can almost see something like this actually happening.
Carrie. If you are still mean to people in high school after this movie you have balls!
Death Wish. Don't mess with architects, ever. Especially if the architect is Charles Bronson.
The Punisher. Can't a guy go on vacation with his extended family without all of them getting killed, not if you are Frank Castle and pissed off a drug runner!
Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street. A man so obsessed with revenge that he kills his own wife! This guy will give you a shave, a haircut or a complete blood transfusion!
Braveheart. Last on the list because he lacks the "crazy element" that I do so like to see, but on the other hand he does start a war, so that has to count for something.

So there it is my list of 10 ten movies where the main character just loses it and gives us unrepentant anger and violence the rest of the movie. What is your top 10?

Top Ten Hated Teams in Sports

2009-03-04T10:09:00.002-05:00

I was going to hold off on posting a new blog until after NFL free agency was done to grade the Bengals and do do my Draft 2.0 blog, but i was inspired today by another blogger. A friend of mine has decided to join the dark side and start rooting for the Steelers after being a Bengals fan for his whole life. I find the timing odd, since he somehow made it through all of the '90s which was way worse and has decided to support the reigning Super Bowl champs!

But, as I read his blog, I just grew more and more angry as I talked about the Steelers, so I have decided to do a top ten most hated sports teams. I am sure that I will share many with my readers, but I am curious to see what your most hated teams are?!

Steelers. I am an Bengals fan, so there is no team I hate more than those terrible towel waving idiots in Pittsburgh. The only thing I ever found amusing about that team was trying to guess how many pounds of spit accumulated in the corners of Bill Cowher's mouth. Or maybe trying to guess if Ben was effected at all after the crash, he seems just as dumb to me.
Yankees. They are the reason that baseball needs a salary cap. Although, I have to admit to watch them spend more money than God every year and not win is hilarious to me. it is just sad that they pay certain players more than some teams pay their entire team, I know they do it because they can, it just angers me.
Ohio State Football/Basketball. Football is simple, I am a Michigan fan and it has been terrible to watch Tressel own Michigan for the past ten years. Tressel is to Michigan like Willy Wonka is to Umpa Lumpas, he owns them. Basketball is just as simple, it is all about betrayal. Thad Matta used to coach Xavier, my Alma Mater and swore he loved it there and would never leave. Two days after emphatically denying rumors about leaving he bolts for Ohio State, dick move Thad. Not that OSU basketball is a great power house, but I will never forgive Thad for what he did. Once he moves on I will again just not care about OSU basketball. Side note; I hate the fans that call it THE Ohio State University, it is annoying and makes you all sound elitist, to quote my wife, "get over yourselves."
Cowboys. The Dallas variety. Since you saw that the Yankees are #2 on my list you had to know it was just a matter of time before I got to the Yankees of the NFL. Jerry Jones is the ultimate used car salesman, he even smiles like one. For all the big names they bring in every year the have nothing to show for it, and yet every year the talking heads make love to Jerry and his boys and talk about how this is the year they will win it all. Lets face it, until Romo stops holding hands with Jessica (because you know that is all her dad lets her do), and until T.O. (team obliterator) is gone, and until Jerry realizes that he must draft some talent instead of buying everyone else's headaches they will never win. By the way, Emmit Smith was over rated. If Barry Sanders had that offensive line he would have broke every rushing record ever and no one would have know Emmit's name.
Knicks. I hate New York in general and that is mostly where the Knicks fall in. But to help boost their status on the list I always hated Patrick Ewing. I defy you to find an uglier NBA player. And Spike Lee might be the most annoying fan ever, if he was anyone else he would not be allowed in the arena, I wish Reggie Miller would have taken him back to whatever planet he was from.
49ers. This is the team that TWICE ripped Bengals hearts out in the Super Bowl. Honestly I have no other hate towards them other than that, but Bengals highlights are few and far between and to have them ruined by the same team twice? Unacceptable.
Mets. Again part of the New York factor, but also because I am a Braves fan so I hate the Mets who like all New York team just buy all their talent. I do like how the past two years the Mets have choked and collapsed in the end missing the playoffs!
New Jersey Jets/Giants. Any team that says they are from New York and play all their games in New Jersey are a bunch of liars. If that is not bad enough the Jets helped create all the Brett Farve drama last year, which I am sure I speak for everyone when I say I am sick of it! And again, the New york factor plays into my hatred for both of these teams.
Duke Basketball. Can't really explain it, just hate them. Their coach looks like a rat, maybe that is it?
Broncos. I was a Marino guy, so I rooted against Elway, plus Elway looks pretty ugly. The Broncos invented the chop block, dirtiest move in the NFL. And their ex coach looks like a rat. Maybe there is something to that rat thing?

So there is is my top ten hated sports teams and why. So what is yours?

Free Agency for the Bengals.

2009-02-26T11:16:00.006-05:00

Well here we are a few days before free agency begins for the NFL, the Combine is over and I am stuck wondering what the Bengals will do.

First I would like to touch on what the Bengals SHOULD do in free agency. I of course emphasize should because for reasons I have blogged about before they will probably not do what makes most sense and instead continue to "build through the draft." It is not that I am against that way of thinking, I am actually for it, but the Bengals issue continues to be that they do not scout well, or at all, since they do not have the personnel (smallest scouting department in the league,) or go after bargain deals because of character issues.

There are quite a few free agents out there that will help the Bengals and fill holes that they would not have to waste draft picks on. With as many player as the Bengals look to lose they will have to sign a player or two in free agency, but ultimately it will not be the right players. Areas of need include running back, offensive tackle, center, wide receiver, safety, and corner back. They also need a defensive tackle and a defensive end, maybe a linebacker, but I think they would definitely over pay in free agency for that and can focus on that in the draft instead.

What's out there:

Running backs. We are thin at running back and even if we draft a running back we could still use a free agent to ensure that we have enough suited up on game day. I would hate to have to see Dan Coats the running back! For a variety of reasons I did not find too many running backs worthy of spending money on. Too old, too many miles, not worthy of spending money on take your pick. When I say too old, by the way, I mean 30 or older. Most running backs peak at 30 and it is downhill after that. No sense in signing a running back to three years at 30!

Cedric Benson. Just freaking re-sign him. We are thin at running back and he already knows the system. On top of that he hasn't had a DUI, or OVI in almost a year. Either he is a lot better at drunk driving now or just stopped doing it.
JJ Arrington. Not ideal, but literally the second best option out there. Again I say re-sign Cedric please.

Tackles. This is another position I would like to see the Bengals address in the draft. They have the #6 overall pick and there are three tackles that I can see worth drafting that will be NFL ready and better options than just about any free agent.

Ray Willis. Young and pretty good, only gave up 1.5 sacks last year. Incidentally he is the only tackle I can justify spending money on.

Centers. Again an area the Bengals can focus on in the draft, but it might be good to have a veteran center come in to show the new kid the ropes. Or just get one in free agency and don't worry about drafting one, but please god do something. Eric "The Ghost" Ghuicuc has to go! Rich Brahm we miss you please come back!

Jason Brown. This guy is from Baltimore and has to practice against the Ravens D all the time, so you know he is good! Plus he is young. He might cost a little bit, but I say go for it!
Geoff Hangartner.

Wide Receivers. After drafting three last year you would think that we would be fine, but it looks as though we will lose TJ (which is insane) and while Caudwell looked good, not sure about health over a full season. Simpson still looks VERY raw as well. Looking back we should have traded Chad last year for two first round picks to Washington and taken the extra money and locked up TJ, of course Mike and Marvin were busy winning a pissing match with Chad. No one listed will replace TJ, not even close, his heart, his competitive fire, his desire, and his hands on third down, but we will need a veteran to replace him none the less.

Nate Washington. Great down field threat, but cannot replace TJ on third down.
Devery Henderson. Same issue as Washington.
Michael Clayton.
Reggie Williams. Like his size and that he can block, but can he catch?
TJ Houshmandzadeh. Again just re-sign him. Pittsburgh did it with Hines Ward when they let Plaxico walk and it seemed to work out pretty well.

Safety. I am always looking for a great safety. I miss David Fulcher and Madeiu broke my heart. I like Ndukwe, but still looking for the next Fulcher, not that anyone can replace him.

Gibril Wilson.
James Sanders. Got to love that he comes from the Patriots, you know because they actually know what they are doing. They lose their franchise QB and still almost make the playoffs. We lose our franchise quarter back and we go 4-11-1.
Chris Crocker. One of ours that I would like to se re-signed. he will come cheaper than the other two and if he continues to play with a chip on his shoulder then he might be the best safety we have.

Corner back. I said before the start of last year that Deltha had lost a step and just didn't care anymore. The Bengals must have been listening for once and cut him. His replacement however, was not suitable. David Jones just did not do that well, even in the nickle. We need someone who can play the nickle and maybe even return punts or kickoffs?

Bryant McFadden. Got to love anyone from Pittsburgh's defense.
Phillip Buchanon.
Justin Miller. And he returned two kickoffs for touchdowns!

My real guess is that none of these guys are on the Bengals radar, Marvin has nearly said as much. They are looking to get 2nd and 3rd tier guys that would be backups and special teamers on most teams, but will start here. Just about any ONE of those guys could help and in three cases just resign what we have, but alas I have to remember that Mike Brown is still in charge.

And let me just say good bye TJ. It was a pleasure to watch someone go out and play this game with an unbridled passion and untameable fire. To watch a FOOTBALL player. A wide receiver that will risk his body to make that crucial third down catch is rare in football and you are just wired that way. You are ten times the football player and more importantly the man that Chad Johnson is, it is a shame that 'ol Mikey Brown does not see that. Please once you leave don't hate Cincinnati too much, hate the owner, hate the management, but don't hate Cincinnati, because we love you!

Update on the Reds

2009-02-19T15:47:00.004-05:00

Dusty Baker was quoted in saying that Brandon Phillips will be batting cleanup this year. I find this problematic for a few reasons.

Does that mean that you will bat Taveras, Bruce, Votto, Phillips? Righty, lefty, lefty, righty? Seriously? I guess it is not that big of a deal, but strategy wise it might be better to break that up a little bit.
You are taking away Phillip's speed. You are forcing him to be a run producer and jamming up the base paths in front of him. Two years ago this was a 30/30 guy and they are trying to turn him into a 35/10 guy. Speed is a rarity in this lineup, don't take away a weapon in this guys arsenal. I saw this guy steal 2nd AND 3rd base in a single play, he just kept going, it was one of the coolest things i have ever witnessed, probably won't see that again.
Good news for Encarnacion, he will get pitches to hit, because anyone would rather pitch to him than Phillips.

I stated in my last blog what the lineup would be if I were the manager, clearly the Reds will not be hiring me anytime soon. I guess it can be said that batting Votto in the 4 hole might be too much pressure on the 2nd year player, but this is a guy who looks more like a run producer to me. Plus it is not like this guy is a 23 year old kid, he is 25 and has a full year in the majors under his belt.

Hope this works.

Let's face it, it is defiantly no worse than batting Adam Dunn leadoff! (True Story)

 Batting 1st    17   15    70    56   16   12   0   0   7   12   11   0   18   3   0   0   0   0    2   0  .214  .371  .589  .961  .161   111 Batting 1st

That stat line is from www.baseball-reference.com. Basically what it is saying is that he played 17 games in the leadoff spot and he was HORRIBLE, as anyone would imagine.

Can the Reds finish above .500? Part 3.

2009-02-19T09:11:00.006-05:00

So, here we are at part three. After covering the defense, of which was upgraded over the off season and the pitching, which looks to be pretty solid, today we will talk about the offense. Sadly this will not be as up beat or as promising.

After losing Griffey and Dunn last year one of the Reds major goals was to find a power hitting right handed bat. Unfortunately players like Pat Burrell were asking way too much money. Pat, who in my opinion, is only marginally better than Adam Dunn in the outfield and a downgrade offensively. Pat got 16 million over two years. That is pretty expensive considering that you could have probably signed Dunn for that much if that is what you wanted.

But kudos to the Reds for not overpaying or for settling on someone that they knew was really not an upgrade. but now since most right handed sluggers are off the market, or too expensive, or have no interest in playing in Cincinnati, how do you replace the power and run production that At least Dunn gave you?

Lets look at the pros and cons.

Pros:

Dunn is gone. You will see this in the cons section as well, what can I say? Dunn is a dilemma. Dunn was a horrible clutch hitter, was terrible with runners in scoring position, and was able to rack up 200 strikeouts in a season in his sleep. There was a joke for almost two years about him never being able to get a sacrifice fly. This is a guy that hit 40 plus home runs and only managed 100 RBI!? That means that almost 50% of his RBI came of solo home runs.
Griffey is gone. What pitcher was scarred of this guy? Jamie Moyer? And that is only because he is one of a handful of pitchers old enough to remember Griffey in his prime. It is a disgrace that the Reds were forced to bat this guy third for the last three years because he refused to be dropped in the order. When I think of a number 3 hitter in a lineup I think Manny Ramirez, Hanley Ramirez, Chase Utley, those guys scare me and give Big Popi and Ryan Howard protection. I know the guy has hit 600 home runs, but almost 400 were in Seattle and he was only there 3 more years than he was in Cincinnati.
Anything is an upgrade offensively over Corey Patterson. Here is his stat line from last year; .205 batting average, .238 On Base Percentage, 14/23 on stolen bases and produced only 46 runs. Of course it does help to get on base to steal and produce runs, which he was never able to do. Taveras has a .331 career on base percentage and if he can stay healthy I see 50 stolen bases and at least 80 runs.
The potential of Phillips, Bruce, and Votto at the top of the lineup is HUGE!I will give you my potential lineup later, but I think these guys can do something special together at the top/heart of the order.
Hernandez is an upgrade over Ross/Backo. No one is going to confuse Ramon with Johnny Bench, but he might be the best offensive catcher we have had here since Johnny.

Cons:

Dunn is gone. See I told you. Dunn had many faults and frustrations, but he was good for 100 runs, 40 home runs and 100 RBI, every year....literally. And despite the strikeouts he has a career .381 on base percentage, thanks to over 100 walks every year too. Such a strange case, has there ever been a more drastic I love this guy, I hate this guy stat wise? So how do you replace 100/40/100? The simple answer is you can't, at least not for a real pretty penny. He is a slugger in every sense of the word, and with the Reds transition to speed and defense he just didn't fit.
Tarveras needs to return to 2007 form. The Reds have not had a true lead off hitter since Pete Rose? The lead off hitter is very important, someone to get on base, wreak havoc on the base paths, get in pitchers heads. This guy becomes even more important on teams that are lacking power and are hoping to manufacture more runs like the Reds are. I am not completely sold on Taveras being that guy.
A lot of youth. There is no one to legitimately fear in this lineup right now other than Brandon Phillips. Will Votto and Bruce be great, maybe, will Taveras return to 2007 form, maybe, will Encarnacion remember how to play baseball, doubtful at 26. That is a lot of maybes for a team hoping to break up the playoff drought this year.

Potential lineup if I were manager:

Willy Taveras
Jay Bruce
Brandon Phillips
Joey Votto
Edwin Encarnacion
Ramon Hernandez
Alex Gonzalez
Chris Dickerson
Aaron Harang

Ultimately I think the Reds youth and lack of a "big bat" will hurt the them. I actually have this dropping the Reds to an exactly .500 team and missing the playoffs again this year. While I think the Reds were smart long term for not over paying for a free agent, maybe it would have been the one piece to put them over the edge this year. Now, IF they are in the hunt after the all start break they will have to make a trade and sacrifice some of their depth or young talent to get something too expensive that they will only have for half a year.

Reds fans are sick of losing, perhaps management should have taken that into consideration. But maybe things are looking up? 81-81 this season with I am sure a lot of growing up for Bruce, Votto, Volquez and Cueto. Perhaps the Reds can get that couple pieces they need in the off season and 2010 can be the season of change we have all been waiting for?

Can the Reds finish above .500? Part 2

2009-02-18T08:23:00.003-05:00

Sorry for part 2 of my Reds above .500 series being a day late, but I had to weigh in on the Shayne Graham issue, which strangely is tearing Cincinnati apart. The strange part was during lunch and on the way home listening to local radio personalities defend the tagging?! Lance McCallister and I do not always see eye to eye, but I could not help but feel he was just dead wrong about Shayne.

Moving on....Today the focus will be on the Reds defense. "What defense?" You might say to yourself or that fat co-worker next to you that swears he could play better defense for the reds. Of course, he should just concentrate on tying his own shoes, and you should not worry, it will be better this year.

"How will it be better this year?" This might be what you ask next and I will tell you, just don't get distracted my 'Ol Fatty mowing threw his 5th eclair of the morning.

Alex Gonzalez back at shortstop. The guy has Gold Glove potential, provided he can stay healthy. He is an upgrade defensively over Keppinger and Harriston, he has better range and a better fielding percentage over the last two years he was healthy.
Jay Bruce in right field. My grandfather is in his 90's and had both hips replaced and would have looked faster and more fluid than Ken Griffey Jr. did playing right field. I could go on and on with old, or broken jokes about Kenny, but why beat a dead horse? Lets instead get excited about the Jay Bruce era in Cincinnati. At least until his contract is up and he hires Scott Boras to negotiate his way to New York.
Dickerson/Harriston/Gomes in left field. There is nothing that would scare me more than to hear Marty say, "fly ball to left field, Adam Dunn in pursuit." I would close my eyes so tight that I would almost blackout praying to any god I know that Dunn would luck out and fall near the ball. I am not saying his defense was bad, but Jose Canseco thinks it is bad. Dunn is like a semi truck, once it got going there was no stopping it, but it does not start and stop on a dime. Now that he is gone literally anything is better out there, even Johny Gomes. I would prefer Dickerson or Harriston. After they way they both played last year I think they earned the right.
Willy Taveras in center. While I love Ryan Freel's hustle, they way he played center field was going to get himself killed, or someone else. He was a 20 car pile up on the free way waiting to happen. Patterson while great defensively, was soooooooo horrible with the bat the Reds were considering not even sending him to the plate, just taking an automatic out. Harrison was adequate, but not an everyday center fielder. Taveras will give us a good everyday center fielder that can get on base occasionally, provided he stays healthy as well.
Other than Tampa Bay, can you name a faster outfield than Dickerson/Taveras/Bruce/Harriston? Maybe Houston with Bourne and Pence? That is a lot of ground those boys will be able to cover, which will be fun to watch for a change!
Ramon Hernandez behind the plate. Ramon is another guy that has the potential to win a Gold Glove. Last year was a slight aberration, but he played on a crappy team, I just hope he re-finds himself here in Cincy. But even a down year for him is better than Paul Backo or Dan Ross's best year. Sadly this might be the best catcher Cincinnati has seen since Johnny Bench, and he is no where near that.

So lets see, The Reds upgraded all three outfield positions, if nothing else it was addition by subtraction by just getting rid of Dunn and Griffey. They upgraded at shortstop and behind the plate, to add to a Gold Glove winning second basemen already. They did all that and did not spend a lot of wasteful money in the off season, not bad. I do have some areas of concern though.

Edwin Encarnacion is still manning third base and will be next year too. This guy plays third base like David Beckham, kicking it all over the field. The guy is 26, so, there is not much hope of it getting any better either. This guy has a career .935 fielding percentage with more than 20 errors in a season twice in his young career. Yikes.
Votto at first base. Votto is not nearly as unwatchable as Edwin, but it is still not great. Fortunately he play first base, where such "athletes" as Prince Fielder, Adam Dunn, Kent Herbeck, Cecil Fielder have played, and the list goes on. I think Votto can get better, but really as long as he can catch the ball thrown at him then I am OK with him.

All things considered the Reds obviously did a good job of upgrading the defense and speed of the team, I don't think it translates into too many more wins that what I predicted in part 1, however.

I think we are still at this point looking at a 86-76 team, or are we? What about the offense? Well I will cover the offense in part three tomorrow or later in the week, as time permits, so stay tuned Reds fans!

Tagging Shayne Graham?

2009-02-17T08:32:00.004-05:00

On Monday the Bengals announced that they would be using the Franchise Tag on kicker Shayne Graham. At first I was indifferent to the decision, and actually saw it coming. But the more I stew on it the more I hate this decision.

Why would you ever tag a kicker?

You have no idea what you are doing. (Also known as the Marvin Lewis effect)
You have a crush on said kicker. (Also know as the Brian Boitano effect)
You are three years old.
You don't understand that just because you have the option to put the franchise tag on a player doesn't mean that you have to.
There was a bio-engineered weapon designed to kill off all kickers and some how yours lived.
You are secretly trying to ruin the team. (Also known as the Mike Brown effect)

Those are the only reasons that I can think of to tag a kicker. Now, why tag Shayne specifically?

Pros:

Pro Bowl selection 2005
All Pro selection 2005
Bengals Franchise records in: Most field goals in a season (31), most field goals in a game (7), highest field goal percentage in a season (91.2%), highest field goal percentage for career, most point in a season (131).
Was previously cheap since we picked him up off the wavier wire, more about that later.
Three times hit game winners for the Bengals. In '04 in Miami, '04 against Baltimore and '05 vs. Cleveland.

Cons:

We are now paying a kicker almost 2.5 million dollars.
Has lost the game 4 times for the Bengals. In 2006 vs. Tampa Bay (62 yarder), '06 vs. Denver (PAT), '06 vs. Steelers (39 yader), '08 vs. Philly (47 yarder in OT).
Cost us the playoffs with the missed field goal against the Steelers in 2006. A very makable 39 yards.
Touch back percentage of 9.3%. That was 24 among all kickers last year. So, the guy clearly can't get the ball in the end zone on the kickoff, unless he has a 30 mile an hour wind going WITH him.

I like Shayne Graham, he seems like a nice guy and does a lot in the community, but as far as kickers go he is not really extraordinary. He has severe accuracy issues if it is 40 yards or longer, he is horrible on kick offs, he is not great in the clutch, or at least hasn't been in three years. Honestly I would put Shayne somewhere in the middle of the pack as far as kickers go, and yet the Bengals feel the need to pay him and average of the top 5 kickers for the next year. For as fiscally responsible (cheap) as Mike Brown is I find this to be a very strange move.

I find it even more strange when you have more important free agents like Stacy Andrews, TJ Houshmanzadeh, and Cedric Benson still to sign. Any of those three they really need.

Stacy Andrews. Stacy was tagged last year and we need him just as much this year. Willie Anderson is no longer there as a safety net and the Bengals are pretty thin at tackle. While I am sure they will be drafting a tackle at some point in the draft as it stands right now they have 4 tackles. That includes Levi Jones who should be cut.
TJ Houshmanzadeh. When faced with a similar dilemma Pittsburgh decided to keep Hines Ward and cut ties with Plaxico Burris. Hines is a fierce competitor and will do anything to win, Plaxico wants money and fame. Sound familiar? The Bengals should have cut ties with Chad Johnson last year when they had the chance and re-committed to TJ. Finding guys to run down the sidelines and catch a ball, never block, and duck out of bounds instead of fighting for the extra yard are easy to find. Finding the heart and soul of your offense is not. Take a poll in Cincinnati and see who anyone, everyone thinks that the Bengals should keep.
Cedric Benson. Not nearly as high profile as the other two, but right now he is just as important. The Bengals backfield without Benson consists of Chris Perry, Kenny Watson, DeDe Dorsey, James Johnson. Chris Perry is Reggie Bush light with a fumble problem, Kenny Watson is a great third down back, but nothing more, DeDe and James are very unproven. Cedric came into his own the last four games, he now knows the system and the offense and can prove that he was the talent that he was when he was drafted fourth overall.

Any of those three are more valuable than a kicker. Hell, Shayne himself was a wavier wire pick up for the Bengals in 2003. Just like in fantasy football kickers are a dime a dozen. They do not have to learn an offense, they are not calling play, they simply go out and kick a ball and it is the same for any team from pee-wee football up to the pros.

How do the Bengals not think that they can't just draft a kicker in the 6th or 7th round and not be able to replace Shayne? They might even get an upgrade, you know someone that could kick a 45 yarder with no problems? Someone that could kick it into the end zone maybe 20% of the time?

Well good luck Shayne, the first time you miss a 45+ yarder, or the first time you cost us another game or playoff berth with a wide right, just know the boo birds will be out in full force. A suggestion for what to do with all that money you will be stealing, go install a cyborg leg enhancement. If you can go all Robo-Kicker on us and never miss, well then I will take back this whole blog post.

Can the Reds finish above .500? Part 1.

2009-02-16T09:21:00.003-05:00

1990 is a long time ago. 1990 was the last time the Reds were in the World Series. They won it, in quite dramatic fashion none the less. The swept the Oakland Athletics, they beat one of the best teams in baseball history. They had arguably the greatest lead off hitter, and most famous person that refers to himself in the third person, in Ricky Henderson. They had the bash brothers, and juice brothers ironically, in Mark McGwire and Jose Canseco. They had Bob Welch and one of the most intimidating pitchers in the league in Dave Stewart. And finally they had the best closer in baseball at the time, "The Eck," Dennis Eckersley.

This was supposed to be a no-brainer, Oakland was supposed to steamroll the Reds, I mean why were the Reds even showing up? But by some miracle Billy Hatcher turned into Ted Williams, Jose Rijo Bob Gibson and the Reds in VERY unlikely fashion beat Oakland in a David versus Goliath moment.

But all that history is to point out that is the last time the Reds were really relevant in baseball. They have suffered through "Leather pants man," a bigoted owner, the depletion of their farm system, "We are only a couple years away" messages from the owners, Dan "the thank you list" O'Brien, all to get to this point in time. The point in time where the Reds could become relevant again.

Factors:

Pitching. Pitching and defense wins championships. That is true in baseball about 90% of the time. For the last four years the Reds have caught on to this and have been drafting and trading for pitchers, and actually made some pretty smart moves too. They traded Jose Guillen when he was hot knowing he probably would not stay that way based on his career to that point and got Aaron Harang in return. They traded Josh Hamilton for Edison Volquez. A controversial move, but consider this, Hamilton had never played a full season, the Reds outfield was crowded, and the Reds knew that they could get more on the dollar for Hamilton than for Dunn or Griffey, which they would have preferred to trade away. Plus see the second sentence in this paragraph. They traded Wily Mo Pena to get Bronson Aroyo. The Reds figured out that Wily could only hit a fastball straight down the plate and again he was in a crowded outfield, so trade him and get a young pitcher, good idea. And of course they draft Cueto, Thompson, and Bailey. Kudos Reds for some rather good decisions.

Projections:

Hanang - 16 wins. He only had 6 last year with injuries and lack of run support. Last year was a fluke and I think that he can get back to winning 15 or more like he did the previous two years
Aroyo - 15 wins. After a slow start Bronson put it together after the all star break and managed 15 wins last year. I don't expect him to ever win more than 15, he gives up too many runs to be an ace, but I think he has a few more 15 win seasons in front of him.
Volquez - 15 wins. While Edison was good last year, very good. He began to get tired after the all star break and showed that he was indeed a rookie. I think that next year he might be dominant, but look for a slight decrease this year.
Cueto - 10 wins. I think Johhny can build on a solid year last year in which he got hurt near the end. Johnny needs to lower the pitch count and find better control, but can still eek out 10 wins I believe.
Owings/Thompson/Bailey/Ramirez/Maloney - 10 wins. The fifth spot is still a big question mark heading into spring training, but I have no reason to believe that a mix of these men can't come up with at least 10 wins.
Bullpen - 20 wins. Looking at last year the Bully had 23 wins, so I do not think it is unreasonable to expect about 20 wins from them again this year.

Looking at just the pitching, excluding possible injuries, and basing off previous bodies of work it would seem that the Reds could finish above .500. I have them sitting at 86-76. Now that record would not have got them into the playoffs, but if they played in the national league west, they would have been in first!

Normally I wouldn't read too much into something like this, especially since pitchers and catchers just reported, but Reds fans need a bone. Something to make them look forward to this year, some real hope, not the regurgitated crap form the owners that is spewed every year about being "competitive."

Tomorrow I will look at the defense and see how we look there. So, make sure you tune in; same Reds channel, same Reds time!

Commercials we all hate.

2009-02-11T09:06:00.004-05:00

Thank god for DVR, or TIVO. Normally I get to skip all those horrible, horrible commercials and just watch the show, but every once in a while I get to watch a show, normally a sporting event, live and have to suffer through the hellacious commercials that come with it.

I thought about doing a whole blog dedicated to every horrible commercial I have ever seen, but I can not type that long, nor do I have the attention span to....Oh look something shiny!
Sorry about that, I am back. I decided instead to focus on groups of commercials that, when I see them, almost enrage me to the point that I want to jam an ice pick in my temple to end the pain.

Jewelry commercials.

- Kay Jewelers. I swear even my wife thinks that they are stupid and cheesy. MY WIFE! These dumb commercials are geared towards women, pull on women's heart strings and make them convince their husbands that they have to have that jewelry so that they can feel all those same feelings as the women do in the commercial. And that stupid little jingle...."every kiss begins with Kay." I hear that and I look for something to punch. Clever play on words, or letters I guess....for a 8 year old.

- Jared. These are even worse. I love how if a man "goes to Jared," he suddenly becomes freaking Don Juan. Are you kidding me? All a guy has to do is go to Jared and he is suddenly Casanova? Listen up all convicted rapists and sex offenders (because I am sure a lot of them read this blog) just go to Jared and get some jewelry, all will be forgiven and forgotten and you will be any ladies number 1!

Local car dealerships.

Whenever I see these debacles I always think back the Family Guy episode where Peter takes Meg to buy a new car and ends up buying the tank that the used car salesman uses in commercials to wage war on prices. Any cheesy gimmick that you can think of has been used in local car commercials. There is a plethora of really horrible acting as well. Like the owner of the dealership and his possibly mildly attractive daughters will bumble through a horrible script and stand there awkwardly waiting for the "camera man," who is probably the maintenance chief as well, to shut the camera off. You just pray that he operates on cars better than he operates that camera. Hell these things are like Youtube videos that aren't funny. I think my favorite are the ones where they just shout at you the entire time though. SALE, BUY NOW, HURRY, GOING FAST, NEED TO PAY FOR MY HOOKER LAST NIGHT. Alright maybe not that last one, but I am sure they are thinking it.

Subway

It all started with Jared. Damn there is that name again, maybe I just hate all Jared's subconsciously? Any who....Subway is like that guy who tells the same joke over and over again and you just happen to be at all the parties that this guy shows up at. It was funny once, barely, but now that you have to keep hearing it over and over again it is making you want to pull his vocal cords out. Between Jared and the $5 foot long commercials Subway has successfully beat the horse to death, buried it, unearthed it to beat it some more, and then buried it again. And is it me or is that $5 foot long jingle a little creepy sounding? Not the ones where actual people are singing it, or attempting to sing it, that is just horrible. I am talking about the ones that are pre-recorded. Sounds like something a child molester would say to his victim.....$5 for a foot longggggggggg. Gross.

Taco Bell.

Again, I can put my finger on the minute this food franchise "jumped the shark." It was that damn Chihuahua. That was just the start of years of horrible Taco Bell commercials. To be honest I can not point out one specifically, they all just tend to fade into one big pile of crap. Yo Querio Taco Bell? Not without a toilet close by. Taco Bell is like what Jim Gaffigan says about Hot Pockets, you never really buy them, you are renting them. It would be more beneficial to take your "food" and just go flush it down a toilet and save your body the grief.

Gieco.

- Lizard. This was one of those that was clever at first and every once in a while was funny, but man is it overdone. Gieco sounds like gecko, I get it. Plus i think that gecko is getting a little preachy, a little too big for his britches. He is talking down to people in the commercials now, stealing their money to buy bags of chips, he is out of control and needs to be stopped.

- Cavemen. This on the other hand was never funny. NEVER. I mean I get the whole message, "so simple a caveman could do it." But one commercial was definitely enough. What amazes me was that a T.V. series was formed after this moronic idea. Even after everyone had long started to hate the commercials and it was clear that this show was going to be a flop to anyone I ever talked to, it was done anyway. It didn't last a season. I hope all that were involved were fired.

I am sure there are more, these are just the ones that stuck out in my mind as I was compiling this list for the blog. What groups of commercials do you hate?

Laptop Update.

2009-02-06T08:07:00.005-05:00

The last time you left your hero (Me), I had just uncovered a nefarious plot to heist my laptop. I had caught it just in time and the laptop was on its way back to me and the douche bag that tried to steal it was about to get a nasty email. For your entertainment I will present to you the correspondence with said douche bag, enjoy.

This is what I sent to douche bag Tuesday February 3rd 2009:

Do you like laptops?

How do you NOT like having my laptop?

Douche bag!

This was Douche bag's reply on February 4th 2009:

I am sorry for reply you so late ....i like the laptop ...get back to me with your pay pal email address

WTF?! Did he even read my email? I just called him a douche bag and made fun of him for not having my laptop and that is his response? He is sorry and he likes the laptop?! What laptop? He never got it! and he wants my PayPal email for the 4th time. How did I not see through this to begin with?

My response to his very convoluted and vague response on February 4th 2009:

You are an idiot. Did you NOT read my last email? You NEVER got my laptop moron! I figured out your scam in time and had the delivery stopped and sent back to me. Amazing that you are this dumb and can still manage to scam people! Please enjoy the picture asshole!

Some how this guy is still not getting it, because this was his reply back February 5th 2009:

WHY THIS FROM YOU ? I HAVE MADE THE PAYMENT,WHAT IS GOING ON WITH YOU THERE ..LET ME KNOW IF YOU'RE SEND IT ALSO LET ME KNOW IF YOU'RE GOT YOPUR MONEY .....GET TO ME BACK NOW

It is amazing, his English gets worse with each email! It is like he is having a stroke over the course of several emails. My favorite part of that email was the "GET TO ME BACK NOW." I mean the whole email is funny, but the broken English demand was the best. It was like a mix of Yoda and Jar Jar Binks making a demand!

So here is my final response to douche bag. This was the killing shot, the final stake in the heart, the final nail in the coffin, or I suppose since I have not hear back from him! Sent February 5th 2009:

Why this from me? English not your first language there pally? Well I will tell you what is going on with me here, I called PayPal when I did NOT get your money and they said that the email I got from "PayPal" was fraudulent. imagine that. By the way, if I were you I would cut this shit out, we have notified the police and they are looking for your ass. Better yet let me put this in a way you MIGHT be able to understand....

YOU A DUMBASS
YOU DID BAD THING
YOU NO GET LAPTOP
POLICE COMING TO YOU
YOU GET RAPED IN PRISON

I tried to keep the words simple and talk backwards like you seem to like to do, hope this helps, bitch.

GET TO ME BACK NOW!

I think that really got through to him. I think the simple backwards talking and the all capital letters helped. Well, I say good riddance and congratulations again to Team Herron on the victory. It was hard frantic work by all involved, but it was worth it for the big win.

This might even be better than any victory over the garbage men!

Snow Dilema.

2009-02-04T08:36:00.004-05:00

I left work yesterday at 4:00 and thought it would be safe to go to Best Buy in Tri-County to get a couple of movies that were released. Keep in mind that I was having this thought as I was scraping off about 2 inches of snow off my car. Of course I had made several critical errors when making this decision.

I listened to the weather peoples earliest report of 1-3 inches of snow, AT MOST.
I then subtracted an inch because weather people are NEVER correct.
I then thought since it is 4:00 I am getting a jump start on traffic, I should be fine.
I forgot to factor in things like women, cell phones, and Cincinnati's over all lack of preparedness.

This all led to a 3 hour jaunt to Target, not Best Buy, and back home. Most of that was because I was stubborn and refused to go home, after about 1.5 hours I need those movies to show that I can beat Mother Nature.

Once I got home and then shoveled my driveway and was in an over all fowl mood I thought to myself which is worse being stuck in your car for three hours or being stuck in your house for three days? This, of course, comes up because last week due to the snow and ice I was stuck at home for three days.

Stuck in car
Pros

Loved listening to Sports talk radio. I actually got to listen to all the the Reds hot stove report.
Can always change the radio station if bored and get something different, if anyone has satellite it is even better.
Ever changing scenery, all be it at 10 miles an hour.
Get to watch idiot divers do idiot stuff and laugh.
Every once in a while when there was no one around get to do fun stuff in your car that would freak your wife out.

Cons

You are stuck in one place, your seat, seat belted in, it is very tomb like.
If there are horrible songs on all your stations, and idiot callers on talk radio it is like being in hell.
Although the idiots are fun to watch it can become very concerning when they get close to your car.
Being stuck at the same light for three cycles because all those a-holes turning left have to sit in the middle of the intersection is MADDENING!
Those fun things you do in your car are no longer fun when you almost take out a telephone pole.

Stuck in the House
Pros

You are at your house and can get up and move around, go into a different room.
No issue in case you really have to go to the bathroom. I mean if you are in your car you have to go all astronaut and pee your self.
Less idiots to deal with. Keep in mind that I have a crazy dog.
Other forms of entertainment, get on the Internet, watch T.V. Of course those are slightly counter productive to actual work, but who really knows?!
You can demand that your wife work naked all day, not that I did pervs, I am just saying it is an option.
Ability to change into comfortable clothes and not wear shoes. P.S. I hate shoes.

Cons

THREE DAYS! That is like an eternity when you are literally stuck with the same person and same two dogs, one of which annoys the bejesus out of me, the entire time. Stir craziness started to take effect mid way through day two!
Because I was working from home I hated to ever leave my PC because I wanted to make sure people knew I was working. There is always that guilt I feel when I work from home.
Being concerned that my Duke energy bill is going to be like getting gang banged in a prison shower. I mean I had two PC's going and a T.V., an I-Pod dock, heat was turned up, and more lights were on.
Just because my wife had the option to shower doesn't mean she did! Granted she was sick, but is mixing in a shower too much to ask?!
I think I had to shovel show four different times. I HATE shoveling snow, mix in ice and I hate it even more. But when you are stuck at home you get the pleasure of doing it every hour or so!

So, by a narrow margin, at least in my book, I would rather be stuck in the house for three days. I had me at indoor plumbing! Of course that all might change when I get my energy bill this month. I know the car was only three hours, but it was three hours of barely moving and three hours of sitting in the same position can get quite uncomfortable.

So what do YOU think?

Top Ten Super Bowl Catches

2009-02-02T14:30:00.014-05:00

After recovering from a nightmare of a Super Bowl in which the hated Steelers stole the Lombardi Trophy right out from under the Cardinals with what I consider to be the best Super Bowl catch of all time, I decided to rank all the great catches from Super Bowls past.

Santonio Holmes, 2009 Toe Drag

2. David Tyree, 2008 Helmet Catch

3. Phil McConkey, 1986 off Mark Bravaro's helmet.
4. John Taylor, 1989 Dagger in the hearts of Bengals fans everywhere.
5. Lynn Swann, 1976 He had two great catches in that Super Bowl, take your pick!
6. John Stallworth, 1979
7. Max McGee, 1967 The one hand grab.
8. Hines Ward, 2006 receiver to receiver.
9. Issac Bruce, 2000 the go ahead score to win it for the Rams
10. Gary Clark, 1988 The go ahead for the Redskins to beat the Broncos.

A particularly hard topic for a Bengals fan to write about since four of the top ten are Steelers and the John Taylor catch was against the Bengals in the Super Bowl. So according to my math half of this list is just painful to think/talk/write about.

I give the nod to Holmes' catch as number one since it was in the end zone and actually sealed the deal for the Steelers. It was a tough call though since the Tyree catch did set up the winning score and it was for an underdog win. Had the Tyree catch been in the end zone it would still be the reigning champ.

There was special consideration to John Elway catching a pass and being the first quarterback to do so in the 1988 Super Bowl, but other than being the first quarterback to catch a pass in the Super Bowl there was nothing to dramatic about it.

I REALLY hate the Steelers.

Dear scam artist,

2009-01-29T13:37:00.003-05:00

So, as of today it is official that with the combined efforts of Jesy, Rick, Karen, Pam, Ms. Garcia, Joe and myself, or Team Herron for short. We have defeated the scam artist known as Timothy Oludare, or Greg James in a battle over my laptop.

It all started a week ago when I decided to sell my laptop on craigslist.com in order to fund upgrading my home desktop PC. I have a work issued laptop, so having one of my own did not really make sense.

I posted it and got a hit from Douche bag (Timothy/Greg.) We emailed back and forth a few times and everything seemed legit. he said that he would pay me through PayPal, which was fine since I had used PayPal before.

I received an email from what I thought was PayPal and it told me that the money was sent and PayPal was holding it until they got a tracking number, which seemed totally legit and made sense to me. I shipped it out and got a tracking number and emailed it to PayPal per the instructions.

After 24 hours I had not received a confirmation, nor had I received my money. I was growing concerned and Jesy decided to call her Aunt Karen who does a lot of business with EBay and PayPal. She said that she had never received an email like that and it sounded weird and was very helpful in telling us how to get a hold of PayPal.

We called PayPal and they said that it was a fraudulent email and that they had never sent me or anyone else a communication like that before. At this point I felt like Douche bag had just kicked me in the balls all the way from New York.

**Side note. I am sure anyone reading this knows how much I already hate New York, and this just adds fuel to the fire. Of course this guy was from New York, that in and of itself should have set off every alarm I had. New York is just like a huge congregation of degenerates and assholes who have no consideration for anyone or anything ( Ann Mazuko and Joe Chambers excluded.) New York might be the only place worse than hell. As a matter of fact I am not totally sold on the fact that when you die and if you go to hell that you do not, in fact, go to New York. The Mayor is clearly Satan, I mean where else on Earth do you hear debauchery and not think immediately New York? **

Sorry, back to the story. Jesy was now in go mode. She pushed me out of my computer chair and took over. She was on three computers and two phones and was taking notes and giving me sign language that I did not understand. It was like she was an air traffic controller on crack. It was an amazing symphony of chaos that only she could understand and I just sat back in amazement. By the time she was finished we had a list of like 50 numbers and people to contact first thing this morning to try and get my package back.

Something that I should note. In the circus of phone calls and Internet tracking we did discover that USPS had tried to deliver the package, but that Douche bag was not "home" and that he was to now come pick it up.

**Side note 2. Critical mistake Douche bag, do not leave Team Herron an opening like that. With your laziness/ineptitude you gave us all the window we needed!**

At this point Rick, Jesy and I had done all we could do since it was 9:00 PM on a Wednesday night. Jesy and I dived up the phone numbers and prepared for battle the next morning.

Thursday rolls around and Jesy and I wake up and shower (no not together, the is PG-13, pervs) eat a hearty meal throw on some armor and prepare for our biggest test, dealing with the United States Post Office. If previous experience had taught me anything this was going to be like dealing with a beached whale, or here, just no easy way to go about it. But to my surprise Pam, the consumer affairs officer in Cincinnati and Ms. Garcia at the Bronx post office were not only pleasant, but surprisingly helpful. By simply filling out one form, that Pam helped me with I was able to fax it over to Ms. Garcia and she went and grabbed the package and said it would be on it's way back to us! The confirmation on USPS.com came around noon!

So, should have been suspicious anyway, but lesson learned and will be 100 times more cautious in the future for sure. In closing I would like to share with you an email that I am preparing to send to 'ol Douche bag.

Dear Douche bag,

Do you like laptops?
How do you like NOT having my laptop?
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
You Douche bag!

Unfriendly Yours,
George.

I am 30?

2009-01-26T08:25:00.003-05:00

Remember when you are a real little kid and 30 is old? I never really felt that way, and tomorrow I am turning 30 and I still do not feel that is old, but I do feel some pressure with turning 30.

Maybe everyone goes through this, maybe this is what the mid life crisis is all about? But, since I am turning 30 tomorrow I find more and more that my life is uneventful. I would not categorize my life as bad, but I want more.

So I was thinking over the last few weeks, what can make my life less boring, less ordinary? So in no particular order I came up with a list, that I am sure would grow if I gave it even more thought.

A new job. I want to work in sports, just not sure how to get there. I hate my current job and am frequently bored, hence I am writing this blog while at work.
A new car. In my life I have driven a Buick Skylark, A Pontiac Sunfire, An Oldsmobile Cutlass Supreme, An Chevy Silverado, and currently a Chevy Aveo. It was either the Sunfire or the Truck that was my coolest car to date. I want a car that I can be proud to drive around for once! Currently I am driving the Aveo, it is sad that anywhere I go people stare at my car waiting for the clown brigade to jump out.
A guys trip to Vegas. In this day and age it is almost a right of passage to have a guys trip to Vegas. You know, one of those trips where you go and have a great time by taking a second mortgage to get a credit line because you are "getting hot" now that you are in the hole $10,000. One of those trips where your single friends meets this incredible woman that is really into him and we all know it is a hooker, but he insists that it isn't until later that night when she charges him $500. One of those trips where said friend kills the hooker and everyone has to find a way to dispose of the body and clean up the mess and it all works out in the end. Well maybe not all that, but I think an extended weekend to Vegas with the guys would be sweet.
Making a time machine and going back to the treaty of Versailles and giving France to Germany as kind of a consolation prize.
Giving major league baseball a salary cap.
Having the money to build my own house. This is an idea that has fascinated me for a long time. I have all kinds of ideas that I want for my dream house and I want to be able to tell an architect what I want and have them draw it up and build it for me.
Have the motivation to work out. There are days when I feel like Jaba the Hutt and I know that if I was properly motivated and had someone to work out with me that I could resemble a man instead of the gelatinous blob that I have become.
Be a father. While I am not ready yet, mainly because of reasons on this list and more, I know this is something I want to do and just pray everyday that I am at least decent at it. It isn't like a dog where you can screw up and no one cares, because you know, it is a dog. You want your kid to be a productive member of society and to be the best kid ever, you want them to be better than you.
Find a Dr. that can cure allergies. I have super allergies and the current medication normally doesn't work. I need a Dr. who can find a cure, not that it is even possible, but this is my list dammit.
I want to be able to light my dog on fire without hurting him or burning down the house. Watching Carson on fire I think would be hilarious for children of all ages.

Of course some of these are far fetched and impossible, but hey it was my list. Of course there are some I am very serious about, like lighting the dog on fire, that I am just not sure how to get there, hence the possible mid life crisis!

I am sure I will be fine without any of these things, but here's to hoping!

Happy 30th me.

Jackson to the Bengals makes too much sense.

2009-01-20T09:55:00.003-05:00

There have been lots of rumblings lately about Hue Jackson coming back to Cincinnati to replace Bob "Couldn't out coach a pee-wee team coach" Bratkowski as the offensive coordinator for the Bengals.

To quote Lex Luthor in Superman Returns, "WRONGGGGGGGGGGGG!"

Let me give you a quick run down of why it can't happen.

Bob is still under contract. Mike Brown will not pay two men to do a job that only one man is doing. I am sure that Hue is going to command more money than Bob is making now, which means Mike would be paying more than double for at least a year for Hue to come in and run this offense. We all know that would make Mike's head spin.
Bob is about to coach the senior bowl with Marvin and crew. If there was really a possibility that Bob was on his way out wouldn't it make sense to do it BEFORE a major scouting trip? If Bob is really on the chopping block why would you have him evaluate players and talent at a place where there are a projected 11-15 first rounders? Why have him coaching kids on the basics of an offense that Bob might not be around to implement?
I hate to say this, but the poor offense this year might not be Bob's fault. Now before anyone grabs torches and pitchforks and heads to my house, hear me out. In 2005 we witnessed one of the greatest offenses in Bengals history and it was with Bob at the helm. Now lets look at what we have lost since then; Rich Brahm, the anchor of that offensive line, Eric Steinbach, an athletic guard that allowed us to pull, Willie Anderson, the only real pro bowl lineman we have had in 10 years, Rudi Johnson, when healthy was a great bell cow that could run inside the tackles as good as anyone, Jermi Johnson, fullback that was able to pick up the blitz and block those linebackers. Also, lets not forget that Levi Jones who was a pro bowl alternate that year is a shell of himself and looks like he is on roller skates on the field. That is allot right? Mike and Marvin (more Mike) are in charge of bringing in personnel to fill those gaps and Stacy Andrews, Dan Coats, Eric Ghuicuc, Chris Perry/Kenny Watson/Kenny Irons have all been pretty bad for whatever reason. Let's say for a second that I was in charge of building a house. Now instead of hiring Bob Villa and crew, my boss decides to hire the cast from "The Hills." Why would he do that you ask, well the cast from "The Hills" look good and are cheaper, exactly the philosophy that Mike Brown subscribes to.

Can Bob steer this offense back to the form it was in 2005? I kind of doubt it, at least not this year. Carson has to prove to be healthy, TJ HAS to be brought back, Chad has to remember that he is Chad Johnson, they need to sign a veteran GOOD center and probably draft one as well, they need to draft a blue chip left tackle, and they will need to draft a blocking fullback. But that is all in the hands of Mike, Marvin and a very little scouting department.

My opinion is that Offensive coordinators are like priests, they should never stay in one place too long. While this might not really be Bob's fault he has become a little predictable and stale and if he will not change his philosophy then perhaps it is time to move on? I would love to see Hue here, I would love to see if he can get some more miles out of Chad and TJ, but for the reasons I listed above it will NOT happen, sorry Bengals fans.

'08 Cardinals mirror '05 Bengals.

2009-01-19T08:54:00.006-05:00

Sorry for the long Hiatus, but I could not get motivated there for a while. Good news is that I am back, at least temporarily! Watching the NFL playoffs this year has been quite bitter sweet, but very motivating.

I say bitter sweet because watching the 2008 Cardinals is like watching the 2005 Bengals. Of course there are small differences, but I did a little digging, and here is what I found on the surface.

Cardinals(AFC) Bengals(NFC)
Offense
Total Yards/Game 4th /6th
Rushing Yards/Game 32nd /11th
Passing Yards/Game 2nd /5th
% Intercepted 9 /9
% Sacked 7 /2
3rd Down Efficiency 11th /3rd
Points/Game 3rd /4th
Field Goal % 8 /6
Defense
Opposing Yards/Game 19th /28th
Opposing Rushing/Game 16th /20th
Opposing Pass/Game 22nd /26th
% Intercepted 19 /1
QB Sacks 20th /28th
Opposing First Downs 22nd /27th
3rd Down Efficiency 28th /30th
4th Down Efficiency 31st /16th

If you really look at it it is kind of erie huh? Both teams were offensive juggernauts, that seemed to win games by out scoring the opponent. The only thing that really sticks out is the Bengals actually had a better running game with a healthy Rudi Johnson and Chris Perry, that is way better than the current Edgerin James with a cane and the inexperienced Tim Hightower for the Cardinals. Also the Bengals defense was statistically worse, but they did lead the league in turnovers which kept them afloat. You want more erie? I thought you might!

Palmer - 3,836 yards/32 touchdowns/12 interceptions
Warner - 4,583 yards/30 touchdowns/14 interceptions

Other than Warner having to throw the ball more, because of a non-existent running game, they are almost identical!

C. Johnson - 97 receptions/1432 yards/9 touchdowns
L. Fitzgerald - 96 receptions/1431 yards/12 touchdowns

Housh - 78 receptions/956 yards/7 touchdowns (in only 14 games)
Boldin - 89 receptions/1038 yards/11 touchdowns

WEIRD! Of course there are more touchdowns by the Arizona receivers, but that is because again Rudi was a capable back and Chris Perry was healthy that one year and it made a difference.

What about the individuals on defense you ask? Check this!

Sack leaders.
Arizona - Bertrand Berry - 5
Cincinnati - Justin Smith - 6

Tackle leaders.
Arizona - Karlos Dansby - 119, 95 solo
Cincinnati - Odell Thurman - 104, 68 solo

Team tackles/sacks/fumbles
Zona - 1044/31/20
Nati - 960/26/18

It is almost scary isn't it? What about the coaches? Both spent time in Pittsburgh under Bill Cowher as assistant coaches. Both went 8-8 in their first season as a head coach of a franchise that was used to losing. The difference comes when Ken Whisenhunt was able to direct his team to the playoffs in his second season, when it took Marvin Lewis three seasons to get there.

Now, the part that aggravates me the most was all the what ifs that I start thinking about when watching the Cardinals. What if Kimo Von Oelhoffen hadn't rolled on Palmer's knee? What if the Bengals played in the NFC, which was a way weaker division that year? What if the Steelers just didn't exist at all?

All just pipe dreams I know, but it allows me the delusion of thinking that 2005 could have been the year for the Bengals, thanks to what the Cardinals are doing today!

So here is to you Arizona, please go out and crush the Steelers, throw 40 points on the board and never let off the gas. Humiliate them on the biggest stage in the world, the Super Bowl, so that this lowly Bengals fan can have something to enjoy this football year, and maybe heals some three year old wounds.

Metallica in Columbus.

2008-11-10T12:03:00.004-05:00

This blog is dedicated to Pac-man, the only man I have ever personally known to like Metallica as much as me.

I always seem to struggle where to start when I begin a new blog and this is no exception. The night was so amazing and there was so much that happened that it is tough to know where to start! I guess I can begin with telling all of you that I have loved Metallica since I was in 7th grade. We had to do a project for music class and someone did video from "Enter Sandman." When I saw it something special happened inside me, it was like the first time I kissed a girl, or the first time I made poopy in the potty. I knew that this band ROCKED and I need to hear more. So over the years I have listened to more, even through Load, Re-Load, and St. Anger, which most fans did not like, I however, did. Now, even though I have always loved this band this, at 29 years old, was my first concert.

As we got to the arena I was getting pretty stoked and it was just building as we were walking around to our seats. We got to our seats and Sword was playing. Decent band, rocked pretty hard, but nothing stood out in particular. But after Sword went off and Down was setting up something happened that made and incredible night even better. A "woman" shows up to sit in the row in front of us and she can only be described as a former Metallica groupie from the release of Kill'em All in 1981. This "woman" was easily 45+ and an utter disaster. She came in wearing a black bandanna keeping up hair that was 20 shades of yellow. I say yellow and not blonde because it really was yellow, it was like some sort of toxic blond, as a matter of fact I think I am going to the doctor later today to look for cancer from inhaling fumes from her hair. Moving on, she is wearing a sleeveless hoodie, proudly displaying her tattoo that says "Wild Child 4 life." Nice. She was also displaying these arm bands that looked like Madonna threw up heavy metal on her arms. They had zippers and rainbow colors and all kinds of weirdness. Then I heard her talk, I was actually startled, it sounded like someone had just started up a Harley, I can only hope that I am painting an accurate picture here, because she was hilarious all night, mainly because we were sitting behind her and not next to her. I say that because I think she managed to spill at least a cumulative whole beer on the guys next to her as she waved her arms around wildly during every song.....all night long! She is the very definition of a train wreck and I thank god she was sitting in front of us!

Now, on to the glory that is Metallica. Here is the set list for the evening.

Ecstasy of Gold
That Was Just Your Life
End of the Line
Creeping Death
Ride the Lightning
One
Broken, Beat and Scarred
Cyanide
Sad But True
Wherever I may Roam
Leper Messiah
The Day That Never Comes
Master of Puppets
Battery
Nothing Else Matters
Enter Sandman

Encore

Die, Die My Darling
Jump in the Fire
Seek and Destroy

They played for a little over 2 hours straight, it really was amazing. I remember hearing the Ecstasy of Gold start to play and it was like going to the Phantom Menace and here the Start Wars intro and getting so excited I almost peed myself. The best part was that there was no fucking Jar Jar Binks at the concert to fuck it up!

They started with a couple of songs from the new album and mixed it up the rest of the way with new and old. I was a little surprised that they did not doing anything in the middle. There was not one song played from Load, Re-Load, or St. Anger. They even played a song off Garage Inc, that was a cover instead of those three albums. I guess I should not be shocked that they did not play anything from St. Anger, and it was something the guys and I talked about before the concert, since St. Anger was not well received by most fans.

The performance of the night was One. They started in total darkness and as the sounds of war were going on the pyrotechnics started going off like bomb were dropping on the stage. As the song continued so did the pyro show, it was nothing short of amazing, it was worth the price of the ticket just to see that performance. It was also cool to see James Hetfeild and Kirk Hammet "duel" during The Day that Never Comes. And then during the encore, as they were playing Seek and Destroy they released all black beach balls with Metallica on them. I wish I would have been closer to grab one of those it would have been super cool!

The only thing that I was perhaps disappointed in was that they did not play All Nightmare Long, which is my favorite song off the new album. Instead they played Cyanide, which is a good song, but there are at least 5 songs on that album I like more.

It really was an amazing night and I can not wait until the next time Metallica is in town. When i say in town I mean in Cincinnati next time! I mean I will drive to Columbus again, but it sure would make life easier if they just came to the Nati!

A special thanks to my wife for getting the tickets for me for our anniversary! I wish you could have been there to share this special night, but I understand why you could not. And thank you to Isaiah, Neil and Tony for being there with me as I broke my Metallica cherry, I hope you had as much fun as I did.

Side Note:
I got a little side tracked by the "train wreck" earlier, but I have to mention that we also saw a guy in an argyle sweater at the concert. I know fans are fans, but really? An argyle sweater? To one of the hardest playing bands in history? He appeared to be foreign, but you have to know better right?

Draft 1.0

2008-11-06T15:41:00.004-05:00

So, the Bengals are on a bye this week and not a moment too soon. This team is 1-8 and in desperate need to regroup and figure out how to keep the momentum of that one win going into the second half of the season.

Since the Bengals do not play this week I will do what I LOVE to do, and play GM (general manager). I am guessing that I will end up putting out about three different blogs about the NFL Draft that is in April; one now, one right after the season and one right before the draft.

Why now, you may ask? Well, the team is 1-8, the team is on a bye, and it is never too early to start thinking about what your team should be drafting when you are almost guaranteed a top 5 pick.

So, without further delay, here is, by round, what the Bengals should be looking at. I say should, because as I have stated before, Mike and company does not always draft for need, hell they rarely do, it is all about want.

Round 1.

Andre Smith, OT Alabama

Michael Oher, OT Ole Miss

Eugene Monroe, OT Virgina

Rey Maualuga, LB USC

Michael Johnson, DT/DE Georgia Tech

Sen'Derrick Marks, DT Auburn

James Laurinaitis, LB OSU

George Selvie, DE USF

There are 8 legitimate needs that the Bengals should be looking at. Levi and Stacey have been a mess at the tackle positions this year. They will not be able to sign Stacey long term and Levi looks like he is on roller skates ever since he hurt his knee. I know the Bengals are high on Anthony Collins, the tackle from Kansas they drafted last year, but it is time to invest in another Willie Anderson/Anthony Munoz type a high caliber tackle that can protect Carson's blind side for the next ten years. So, yeah a tackle is what I would really love to see the Bengals draft. If somehow they fall out of the top 5 and the tackles are all gone, or if the Bengals do what they always do and draft the best available player despite what they NEED, then I have those listed as backups. Anything other than the players I listed for the first round and I will go into a fit of rage that would make the Incredible Hulk look relaxed.

Round 2.

Jonathan Luigs, C Arkansas

Antonie Caldwell, C Alabama

Vince Oghobasse, DT Duke

Vance Walker, DT Georgia Tech

CJ Spiller, RB Clemson

James Davis, RB Clemson

Wow, I am really concentrating on that offensive line aren't I? And why not? This group has been horrible all year, they let Palmer get a broken nose and an undisclosed elbow injury, on top of that Ryan Fitzpatrick is running for his life constantly. Besides that, Eric Ghuicuc has never seemed to be able to step up and fill the void left by Richie Brahm at center. plus I have taken into consideration how the Bengals love to draft guys from the same school in the same draft; i.e. TJ and Chad, Eric and Adam, Odell and David, with a tackle and a center from Alabama. If the centers are not there I would like to see them grab a defensive tackle. We really need to improve in the trenches and even though I like what I see from Pat Sims and Pecko, it has been a short time and inconsistent. Plus I do not think that the Bengals are looking to re-sign John Thorton, which would make Pecko the senior member on that line. But, knowing the Bengals they will pass up both of these needs and go for the shiny toy in a running back. Perry I think is officially done and god only knows if they will be able to or will want to sign Benson again. That would leave the cupboard pretty bare and I would love to see a shifty speed back like Spiller in here.

Round 3.

Al Woods, DT Georgia Tech

Peria Jerry, DT LSU

Daniel Holtzclaw, LB Eastern Michigan

Cody Brown, LB UConn

Devin Moore, RB Wyoming

Trevard Lindly, CB Kentucky

Kevin Barnes, CB Maryland

Trevor Canfield, G Cincinnati

Domonique Johnson, CB Jackson State

Derrick Williams, WR Penn St.

By this point I am of course hoping that the Bengals have taken care of their offensive line needs. Hoping being the key word there. I was thinking what are some other holes the Bengals have after offensive/defensive line and I thought about corner. They let Deltha O'Neal go and I was perfectly OK with, but David Jones is not the answer and we need help there, maybe someone that can help with the return game as well? Also can you ever have enough line backers? Love Rivers, but the rest of the group could start to get upgraded. Dahni is smart and a great guy, but someone younger and faster and meaner might be nice.

Round 4.

Marlon Favorite, DT LSU

Worrell Williams, LB Cal

Jasper Brinkley, LB South Carolina

Bruce Johnson, CB Miami

Curtis Taylor, S LSU

Brandon Gibson, WR Washington State

More defense and a wide receiver for fun. I think that I have overloaded on defense for this draft because of how bad that Bengals defense really is. I think that after the fourth round I can see them concentrating more on wide receiver help, and offensive line help. Of course wide receiver help gets a bump in priority if they are truly insane and do not make a deal for TJ, like I know they won't.

The rest of the draft is tough to tell without seeing more football and seeing how the season ends. I can say that the Bengals had better shop for a punter in the later rounds and maybe look at some return guys, be them receivers or corners. Defensive end is another position I would like them to experiment with in the later rounds. I would love one early, but with two young guys that you are paying top dollar to in Robert Gathers and Antwan Odom, I don't think it would be wise to go out and spend a ton of money on yet another defensive end. Possible find a diamond in the rough in the later rounds, find a true pass rusher, a guy that can just light up a quarterback!

So here is Draft 1.0, hope you all enjoy and please do your research and get back to me on ideas or comments. I love looking at this stuff!

Freaky Sunday.

2008-11-03T08:51:00.004-05:00

How does one feel after their hometown football team starts the season 0-8 and then inexplicably wins a game? Not only did they win, but they looked like a legitimate football team in doing so. As Mo said, it was like "Freaky Friday" and before the game when Marvin and Jack shook hands they somehow switched places. Marvin was suddenly Jack and Jack was Marvin, it might be the only explanation as to what actually happened on Sunday.

I went through a range of emotions as I watched the game unfold. I was shocked, then elated, then confused, then a little sad, then angry, then frightened, then relieved, then melancholy, and finally content. I felt like a 50 year old woman going through menopause. Now let me go into detail and see if I can accurately capture what was going on to cause this whirlwind of emotions.

Shocked:

The Bengals scored first(pausing for dramatic effect)........That is right the Bengals managed to actually score a touchdown in the first quarter before the other team.I could not believe that the team that can not finish managed to finish, and in dramatic fashion none the less, a pass to Chad Johnson. Is it any wonder why Chad was so damn happy the whole game? He had his first multi-touchdown game since 2007! Then like the football gods were showing compassion to the team that they had forsaken all year the Bengals scored yet another touchdown. They were now up 14-0. I was now staring blankly at the T.V., drool running down my face, I must have looked like a complete invalid. You could have hit me over the head with a shovel and I am not sure I would have know what happened.

Elated:

The Bengals go into halftime leading 14-3! Not only that but they looked like a legitimate football team in doing so. For the first time all year all gears were clicking, they looked like a well oiled machine instead of the 1970 jalopy p.o.s. that they had looked like all year to this point. It was like Marvin, Bob and Mike had all read my blog and decide to take my advise. They were running the ball and using the diamond in the ruff they had discovered in Cedric Benson and the line was blocking, the defense was getting to a somewhat mobile quarterback, the defensive ends were protecting the corners, the front seven were getting pressure, the corners were covering. I was so happy that I wanted to turn the game off at halftime and cherish what I had just seen afraid that Jack and Marvin were going to switch back at any minute and the Bengals were going to remember that they had not won a game all year and had no business winning this one.

Confused:

It is not fair to put confusion here, since I was really confused the whole game. Where had this team been all year? Where was this crispness, passion, intensity, desire, fortitude? How can you lay the wood to a Jaguars team that is not that bad, but get stomped by a Houston team that is that bad? Why did the line suddenly want to run block for this game? Why did the corners suddenly want to cover? Why did the defensive line finally push back? What was it about November 2nd that got these guys fired up? Why did Chad Johnson suddenly want to catch the ball? Why did Marvin finally decide to coach? My head was spinning faster than that kid from "The Exorcist". I felt like I had just watch Dennis Miller do political coverage, I think my head was going to explode.

A little sad:

0-16 was looking like a fairy tale again. Ever since really getting into football I would always get really excited to see a team almost go 0-16. It is a lifelong dream to see it, to see a team so terrible that they can not win a game, and it here my team had a chance to pull it off. As I said before all the pieces were in place for it to happen to this team this year. A bad coach, a distracting prima dona receiver, a hurt pro bowl quarterback, an offensive line that would not block, a defensive line that could not get penetration, corners that would not cover, an owner that was apathetic, and fans that were tired of it all. And yet here we are in the third quarter and the Bengals were winning 21-6. The dream looked to be over for this team. The silver lining being that there was still another quarter of football to be played and I could see that the Lions were still about to lose, so 0-16 was still attainable.

Angry:

The first thing that I got angry about was John Henderson trying to gouge the eyes out of Andrew Whitworth. That was a dirty move by a guy that I can imagine was just pissed that a horrible team was stomping a mud hole in their ass. My question is why would you pick a fight with the biggest offensive lineman out there? This is a guy that has to have two XXL jerseys stitched together to make a jersey that fits him. Why not pick a fight with Eric Ghiaciuc, he is the smallest one and tends to get pushed around pretty easy. Then I got more angry when both he and Henderson were thrown out of the game. I cannot wait for the NFL to go back and review the film, Whitworth was just trying to defend himself and save his eyes from being gouged out. Henderson had better be fined and suspended, and Whitworth had better not get fined at all. Then the Bengals dropped into the prevent defense. This actually pissed me off more than the result of the fight. I HATE when the Bengals do this, they go up on a team and let off the gas, they take their foot off the other teams throat, and every time they let that team back into the game. I have said it once and I will say it again, the only thing the prevent defense does is it prevents you from winning. Here the Bengals are, on the cusp of winning their first game and they want to go back to the same defense that allows teams to pick them apart, WHY??!!

Frightened:

The Jags scored off a special teams debacle, the only one of the day, but at the exact wrong time. Suddenly this was looking like the team that I knew all year. Defense of Swiss cheese, special teams making critical mistakes at the exact wrong times....OH NOESSSSS!! Now the Jags are a two point conversion away from tying this game and forcing an overtime of which there is no way Marvin is able to keep up this charade that long. As the jags line up for the conversion I feel like "The Tale Tell Heart" is in my throat. The epicenter of my confusion was now, do I want the Jags to get it and force that inevitable loss? Do I want my beloved Bengals to finally get that first win? AGHHHHHHHH. Thankfully the Jags inept offense makes the choice for me. You have Jones-Drew, the little battering ram, in the backfield and you don't even play action with him? Instead the telegraph the pass and do not get the conversion. The game is not over, however, and you know the onside kick is coming. There I sat sweating bullets, gnawing on fingernails, just waiting for that other shoe to drop, just waiting for the Bengals to officially blow this like they have all year. Alas, they recover the kick!

Relief:

The Bengals recover the kick and do what any smart team would do, they run the ball three straight times, under the secure hands of Cedric Benson, and force Jacksonville to spend their timeouts. I have to preface that with, what any smart team would do, because that is not one of the Bengals mantras. So after giving Jacksonville the ball back with 11 seconds I can breathe again, for what seems like the first time since the end of the third quarter. I can enjoy the futility of another team trying to overcome bad coaching, bad play calling, meltdowns, and bad play clock management. So weird to watch a game wear the shoe was very clearly on the other foot.

Melancholy:

I was happy and sad. Happy to finally see a win, happy to see the Bengals perform the way I thought they should all year, happy too see veterans play for some pride and the young kids play with some hunger, happy to not have to bitch about all the same shit again this week(I was running out of stuff to say). Sad that the dream of 0-16 was gone, sad that Marvin probably saved his job, sad that Mike now thinks that everything is OK, sad that John Henderson was not decapitated, sad that despite our best effort we barely won this game, sad that Marvin will go back to being Marvin and now has a reason to talk down to all the fans and media because his team finally won. Strange not to get to extreme with emotion after going through half the season win less and mentally preparing yourself for 0-16 and then to see them eek out a win somehow, but how do you get too crazy when this could easily be a fluke? Even a blind squirrel finds a nut every once in a while.

Content:

It took the rest of the day, but I think I am OK with losing the 0-16. It hurt me to have to root every week for the Bengals to lose, but I felt that I had to to see some changes made. Of course, after looking at it rationally there was no way that even 0-16 would get rid of Mike Brown and that is the source of the problem really. So, I will take this win and any other the Bengals can trip over this season and run with it. hell they might not win again, so not only am I content with it, I will relish in it. The next time the Bengals have to get run over by the Steelers I will go back to November 2nd in my mind and relive the one day the Bengals put it together and managed a win.

Points of interest:

Dexter Jackson was not in the game at all. I am not saying that he was the problem all along, but the secondary did look better, more physical, faster without him. Note to Marvin, leave it that way.

Pat Sims looked awesome again. Let that man play.

John Henderson is a bitch.

Cedric Benson looked awesome, thank god they finally saw what I was seeing and ran the ball with him more.

Detroit is still win less, so there is still hope to see that 0-16!

Chad Ocho Cinco kissed Marvin for the second time this season, I was uncomfortable.

Before this game I was actually thinking about what to focus on for this blog, my idea was going to be stop spending so much energy getting frustrated and angry at the Bengals and instead put all that energy into hating the Steelers. Being a Bengals fan I hate them anyway, but I figured since all my energy was being wasted on reiterating the Bengals faults, I wanted to put it to something productive. What prompted this was that ridiculous commercial about the NFL shop where it pans around someone living room and it is all decked out in Steeler crap, except for one lamp, and then it says, "What's with the lamp?" Thirty two teams in the NFL and they had to choose the Steelers. So, I saw that commercial and felt my blood pressure rise like something out of a Daffy Duck cartoon and thought to myself, "Self you should just watch Steelers games and enjoy when they get their asses handed to them." But, then the Bengals go out and have a game like this and I am hooked again for at least two weeks, or until I hear Marvin's creepy laugh during a press conference.

How to hurt Mike Brown

2008-10-28T12:51:00.003-04:00

How do you hurt a man that doesn't care? How do you make a man who "knows" he is right, see that he is wrong? This is the problem that Bengals fans have stewed over for at least the last 17 years. Since 1991, when Mike took over this team there has only been one moment when Cincinnati believed that Mike had seen the error in his controlling ways, it was when he hired Marvin Lewis as the head coach in 2003. Alas, Mike proved that Marvin has never really had any control when Mike brought back Chris Henry this year, despite Marvin public saying on several occasions, that Chris would never play in Cincinnati again. With an 0-8 start it is clear that this problem not only has to be addressed, but solved. For the sake of this franchise there needs to be a way to make Mike see what he is doing, because clearly he lives in some cave in a bizzarro universe to not already know what he is doing.

What has not worked.

Boycott buying team merchandise. These are pennies to Mike, he could care less if a bunch of people decide not to buy some jerseys or golf club covers.

Going to the stadium to boo the team. As long as you are going to the game and paying for that ticket Mike doesn't care what you do when you are there. You can boo, scream something obscene, expose yourself to his daughter, or throw things at the players. As long as you entered the gate by a ticket then it is all good to Mike.

Call radio/T.V. shows and complain openly about Mike and the "team" he has assembled. As I stated before he lives in some under ground bunker, surrounded by a force field, in some alternate universe, so getting through medias in this universe is a little difficult, by the time it gets to him it is slightly distorted.

Fly a banner over the stadium. Mike has Akili Smith, Mathias Askew, Odell Thurman, Jeff Rowe, Dan Wilkinson, and KiJana Carter on the roof with .50 caliber sniper rifles with orders to shoot down any plane with a banner that comes within 5 miles of the stadium. And everyone thought that those guys were wasted draft picks?!

New ideas to try.

In all seriousness we need hit Mike Brown where it will hurt him the most, and no I don't mean in the face, although...... Anyway in order to get Mikes attention everyone, and I mean EVERYONE needs to get serious about not re-newing their season tickets, not buying tickets for the rest of this year, not showing up, not tail-gating, nothing. Paul Brown Stadium needs to look like the rest of downtown Cincinnati on a Saturday at 6:00 pm, a ghost town. If there was a way to actually organize this and have people be patient and stick to the plan then we would be able to hit Mike Brown in the wallet and force him to sell or move. Of course this is a pipe dream and I don't think you could convince enough people in Cincinnati to make a difference. So I will list other more unorthodox methods that I came up with that might work as well.

Celebrity intervention. Of course Dr. Phil would have to be the host and some Bengals fans with bags on their heads could be sitting there with Mike as Dr. Phil tried to explain that Mikes inner demons were preventing this team from growing to the team it could be. The "fans" would turn out to be relatives of Mikes and there would be tears and hugs and maybe Mike would then be forced to leave bizzarro world and face the reality of a terrible team.

Get to the sniper team. I have said it before and I will say it again, there is a distinct possibility that this will never change until Mike is dead, by either natural means or otherwise. If someone could convince one of his own snipers, I would suggest Jeff Rowe, sadly he is the most accurate of the group, to turn the gun on Mike himself then the problem is solved. Jeff would need to invoke the power of Lee Harvey and his magic bullets , and here, to make it happen though.

Remake "A Christmas Carol." Playing the role of Ebenezer Scrooge will of course be Mike Brown, playing Jacob Marley will be Sam Wyche, playing the ghost of seasons past will be his father, Paul Brown, playing the ghost of the present will be Marvin Lewis, and playing the ghost of seasons future will be Art Modell. Who better to tell Mike about his future if he continues to neglect this team. This is a made for T.V. movie waiting to happen and I better had see some money from it. Perhaps seeing all he has NOT done, and seeing where he is taking this team, where it is destined to go, maybe that will scare him enough to get his shit together. Or perhaps seeing Art Modell, the man that fired his father would be enough to motivate him.

Past all that I have no idea how to make this man see how he is destroying this team. In a year when Matt Millen was finally fired, you would think that Mike might see the light, but I guess there is no light in bizzarro land.

God help us everyone.

0-8, Let's Celebrate!

2008-10-27T08:18:00.003-04:00

There is no better of a way to get to that halfway point in the season than with the worst loss of the year to a team that only had two wins previous to the meeting themselves. It was a 29 point drumming that saw no offensive touchdowns from the Bengals the whole game. Poor Dave Lapham was thinking that the Bengals were going to score a touchdown for the first time all year in the first quarter, before the toothless Bengals had to settle for a field goal.

What can I even say about this team that has not already been said? Not only said, but beat to death. I guess I can say that this was just a beat down in ever respect of the game. Marvin and crew were out coached, and the players were playing the most un-inspired football I have ever seen. I mean it looked like the Texans were the Globetrotters and the Bengals were whatever team was getting paid to go out and get embarrassed that week. Which brings me to another point, what are the Bengals getting paid for? Antwan Odom and Robert Gathers are making huge money to not do a damn thing. The Bengals might be the worst evaluator of talent at defensive end ever. They over drafted Justin Smith to under produce. Justin was a great man and a good player, just not what we needed out of a number 4 overall pick, he never even got into double digit sacks for a single season. Every year after that we have drafted at least one defensive end, none of which have panned out. We did throw allot of money at Robert Gathers though, after what would appear to be a fluke season of 10.5 sacks.

The play that really summed up this season so far for me though was watching Jonathan Joseph play two hand touch with Kevin Walter. I mean the Bengals tackling has been terrible all year and really for the last ten years that I can remember. it is like they are being coached to throw shoulder pads at the offense, or just push them out of bounds. It is a rare occasion to see a Bengals player hit someone and wrap. I was taught that in pee-wee football, but somewhere along the line they stopped listening and focusing on trying to make Sports Center highlights with "big hits." But to watch Jonathan Joseph completely loose focus and try to "down" a guy that was up and running was just embarrassing. It really sums up the whole season; lack of focus, lack of killer instinct, lack of passion, lack of want. So instead of just giving up a big play we let them have 6 points off a touchdown because the Bengals players have quit.

Observations.

The Bengals are late. They are late to get pressure on the quarterback, they are late swarming to the ball, they are late covering receivers. Time after time They seem to get to were they are supposed to be a second too late. They hit the quarterback after he releases the ball, I am still waiting for the roughing the passer flag that is long over due. They seem to get to the receiver after he is turning to head up field. Am I wrong or isn't the point of coverage to try and stop the pass from completing? It seems like they are being coached to stop them from scoring after they catch the ball. And in the running game after three people either miss or over pursue then they will finally arm tackle or throw their shoulder pads at someone, but not tackle properly.

Ryan Fitzpatrick and Ryan Freel are the same person. Neither are gifted with superior athletic ability, but they both will give you 100% when they are in the game. Ryan Fitzpatrick has not won a game that he has started in the NFL and this will not change anytime soon. It is strange to watch him, because I silently root for him because I know he is trying, he is just not very good.

Cedric Benson had 8 rushes for 41 yards at half time. Strange, seeing those number you would have thought that perhaps they would have tried to run the ball more often. I mean at the half they were only losing 14-6, they could have still tried to run the ball.

When do we get to see Anthony Collins? I am tired of having to watch Levi Jones and Stacy Andrews get beat, or get false start penalties because they know they are going to get beat.

Dexter Jackson looks horrible. He looks slow and old. I would rather have Marvin White in there making mistakes and learning than have to watch Dexter Jackson get beat deep, or pile on as the 4th person to make the tackle and be the first to celebrate. What is the point of having him in there at this point? He does not help and Marvin, "The Future," is not learning a damn thing except how to guard the water bottles.

What got me through the game.

Matt, my brother in law, took video footage of Brian, my other brother in law, singing and "dancing" in his bedroom. Easily some of the funniest stuff I have ever seen, and way more amusing than the game. As a matter of fact I kind of blanked out the entire third quarter laughing hysterically at the videos. All the sudden it was 28-6 Houston and I had reached a level of apathy that I thought I would never reach, I had just missed an entire quarter and I didn't even care. Not only that, but I would have rather been playing Guitar Hero World Tour that came out that day. WOW.

Over/Unders

Three and Outs; 4

Not covered. They only had three three and outs for the game. Not bad right? Add that to the three turnovers and it starts to get messy.

2. Special Teams Blunders; 3

Not covered. They only had one real glaring Special teams blunder that I can remember. But then again I did black out for a quarter. It was on the 4th play of the game where they allowed the Texans to return a punt for a touchdown.

3. Play Clock Blunders; 2

Again not covered. But as I said in my last post game blog, Marvin only likes to kill the time clock when the game was on the line. And anymore the game is over after the kickoff.

Game balls.

Matt, for that awesome video footage of Brian singing and dancing.

Jonathan Joseph, for reminding us that we are never too old, or get paid too much money to play two hand touch.

My wife's crazy Aunt, who did not give the creepy back scratch to my father in law this weekend and saved me money in therapy bills later.

Who ever TPed my in-laws house this weekend, well done!

Halfway to the dream 0-8. I am trying not to get excited, but I think they have a real shot at it now. Houston and Kansas City are the biggest obstacles this year to going 0-16 and we got by Houston in a big way. Since the Chiefs are the last game of the year I imagine this team to be so demoralized that they might not even show up, hell they are barely showing up now! The only excitement that I can muster for the rest of the year is to see who will win first the Bengals or the Lions. I give the edge to the Lions since they made a huge step this year and fired Matt Millen and the Bengals have yet to do a damn thing. keep that ship on a steady course Marvin, don't you dare rock the boat.

Cowher to the Bengals?

2008-10-24T08:48:00.003-04:00

I think not. Over the last few weeks, due to Marvin's ineptitude and starting a franchise tying worst 0-7, I have heard rumblings about the possibilities of one Bill Cowher coaching in Cincinnati. Not only would hell have to freeze over, but the Devil would have to look something like this. Bill Cowher coaching in Cincinnati has about the same chance that a bunch of Ewoks have against a battalion of stormtroopers. Uh oh, bad example! But seriously this is a ridiculous thought there is no chance, 0%, of this happening. That is not to say that I don't have wet dreams about it, I do, but there are too many forces against this happening and only one good reason that I can see him actually doing it. Cowher has stated that he wants a team with an above average quarterback, when he said that I think that blind, deaf and dumb Cincinnati fans everywhere said, "hey, we have that!" Yes we do, but we have a multitude of issue that are working against us too.

The Mike Brown factor. There is no way Bill and Mike could work together. Bill had the run of the show in Pittsburgh for years. Dan Rooney was that cool dad that handed you the keys at 16 and said "Have fun son!" For all intents and purposes it was your car, as long as you filled it up (drafted well), washed it (kept the players out of trouble), and kept up on the insurance and payments (won). And Bill did all of those things while driving that car in Pittsburgh. Mike Brown is like a bastard step father that you can never earn his trust or respect enough to sleep in the house, let alone drive the car. The closest you will ever get to driving the car is if you sneak in the drivers seat and pretend in the middle of the night, better clean off the prints though. The evidence of this was no more clear than when Mike Brown went behind Marvin's back and brought back Chris Henry. Clearly Mike does not care about the team or his coaches opinion. Mike could never handle giving up control, if he could then he would do the smart thing and hire a general manager to run this team and make personnel decisions.

The ego factor. Bill was loved in Pittsburgh. Loved, revered, and borderline worshipped. He left that city a Super Bowl winning coach and had left Mike Tomlin a great team that Cowher had meticulously built. he had built that program so that he was never rebuilding, he was always reloading. So, to think that he would want to come to Cincinnati and deal with this mess is a little silly. I know that coaches are always looking for a new challenge, but I just don't see an established coach that went out on top to want to deal with this train wreck. Couple that with the fact that the Steelers and the Bengals HATE each other. Hate like Hatfields and McCoys, Veronas and Capulets, Democrats and Republicans, or the general public and porn-staches. There is no way Bill Cowher could coach a team, that he just as recently as three years ago, made fun of the who-dey chant. You vary rarely see coached, especially ones that quit on their terms, come back and coach in the same division, especially against a very heated rival. I mean it still has to be ingrained into Cowher to hate the Bengals right?

The Marvin Lewis factor. I know there are few loyalties in the NFL and coaches, but Bill did give Marvin is start in Pittsburgh as a linebackers coach, and I know they still talk. I don't think they are best friends, but I don't know if Bill would feel right coming into a job that a man he gave a start to was just fired or forced to quit from. Plus knowing that they still talk, Bill has to know the giant pain in the ass Mike is to work under.

The Money factor. This might be the most important reason and the driving factor for this not happening. There is no way Mike Brown will open his pocketbook and pay a head coach the money he deserves. Because Mike is delusional he thinks that he can find hidden talent anywhere and turn it into gold. For examples see; Chris Henry, Odell Thurman, Akili Smith, Jeff Rowe, and Jerome Simpson just to name a few. Marvin Lewis was no exception. He thought that he had discovered gold at the price of Formica. Sadly this is what he will do again when he decides that Marvin has cost him too much money. The irony, of course being, that it is Mike who is costing himself money. He will try to pluck some obscure coach out of nowhere that probably had a stacked roster and looked like a better coach than what he was instead of hiring someone with a track record and who is proven. Why? Because that would cost too much money. In looking at a variety of coaches and what I could find on their contracts I almost laughed a out loud as to what I think it would take to sign Bill Cowher here. Tony Dungy is making 13 million a year in Indianapolis. Mike Smith, a first year coach in Atlanta, is getting 8-10 million a year for 4 years. Of course he does have the luxury of Arthur Blank as an owner, who will throw money around like it is going out of style. Marvin is making somewhere close to 2 million a year and I doubt that Mike wants to pay too much over that for a head coach. In my estimate Bill would need at least 10-15 million to coach this team and as I stated before Mike would sooner lick a dog turn off Chad Ocho Cinco's shoe than spend that money on a head coach.

So there you have it, four great reasons, and I am sure there are more, as to why Bill Cowher can never coach in Cincinnati. Well, never is a strong word, perhaps if Mike Brown dies and Lord Godell re-organizes the divisions so that the Steelers and Bengals are no longer in the same division, then perhaps then Bill Cowher would consider coaching in Cincinnati.

Desperate times

2008-10-21T12:19:00.004-04:00

So here we sit at 0-7, and there is no light at the end of the tunnel. Marvin is still here despite the worst start in his tenure as the Bengals head coach. And Mike Brown is still here because he is making money. If we look at just this year there have been 3 head coaches fired and one general manager fired, all for better or equal performances that Mike and Marvin had turned in. Lane Kiffen had Oakland at 1-3 before he was fired, Mike Nolan was just recently fired and had San Fransisco at 2-5, that of course is two more wins that Cincinnati has, Scott Linehan was 0-4 with St. Loius and then of course Matt Millen was finally fired in Detroit.

Sure you can make an argument that all those coaches had to go, but then why is Marvin Lewis still here in Cincinnati, has he not worn out his welcome? If not by only having one wining season six years, but then by his deplorable demeanor towards the fans and press. What Mike and Marvin have "built" here is just as bad as what Matt Millen has done to the Lions in Detroit. Matt Millen was the laughing stock of the NFL and probably won't be able to get a job organizing pee-wee football in Alaska, but somehow Mike and Marvin march on.

Where they have failed.

The Draft. This is a team that is adamant about building through the draft. they tell people year after year that they do not spend money in the off season on free agents because they build through the draft, but how much have they actually been able to build? In looking at every Marvin draft they have only kept 44% of the players they drafted, 38% if you don't include this year in which they have kept 7 out of 9 picks. Lets break that down further, how many of the top 3 picks do they still have? I know you find gems late in the draft, but lets focus on they "can't miss guys" that are so key in the first three rounds. Not including this year they are averaging keeping 1 per draft. I think that it is time for the Bengals to re-thing their draft strategy. They need to focus on need and not the best player on the board. The only teams that can look at the best player are teams that don't have holes the size of moons like the Bengals do. they also need to not draft "projects" so early in the draft. Examples of drafting best player instead of need; Chris Perry, first round 2004 draft. We needed a corner back and Chris Gamble was on the board and we took Perry. Odell Thurman, second round 2005 draft. Did we need to take linebackers back to back in that draft? No, but they felt that he was too talented to pass up, where is he now? Frostee Rucker, third round 2006 draft. We drafted a defensive end the previous four years did we really need a defensive end for the third pick that year? Kenny Irons, second round 2007 draft. Did we really need to take a running back that early in the draft when we had Rudi Johnson, Chris Perry and Kenny Watson on the roster? Examples of taking project players too early; Mathais Askew, fourth round 2004 draft. Middle of the draft and Marvin takes on a project that could have waited, plus we had holes to fill and needs to be met, did we really have the luxury to throw away a pick on a project? Stacy Andrews, fourth round 2004 draft. I understand that he had three fourth round picks that year, but does that mean that two of them have to be project players? Get some damned value please. Jeff Rowe, fifth round 2007 draft. Drafting a young quarterback with Carson in his prime? Not only that but drafting a project of a quarterback in the fifth round when we desperately needed a defensive tackle, which we got in the next round and cut by the way. This will forever stand as one of the worst decisions that Marvin ever made. This is worse in my mind than the drafting of Chris Perry. Jerome Simpson, second round 2008 draft. Yes we needed a receiver, but a guy out of Costal Carolina, a division 1AA school? There were so many other guys on the board at that point that could have contributed sooner and might be better in the long run. Unfortunately the Bengals fell in love with this guys big hands and impressive long jump in the combine. We could have drafted him in the third or fourth round I am sure and got better value in the second round. Hell this team is 0-7 and have one of the worst offenses in the league, I think that we could have got something we needed instead of something that might or might not turn out in three years.
Free Agency. The Bengals have done very little in free agency since Marvin has been here. Since 2003 the biggest names to come through here have been Sam Adams, Bryan Robinson, Nate Webster, Michael Myers, Bobbi Williams, Ben Utecht, and Antwan Odom. Who you say? You would not be the only one. The only one of those who have had any impact has been Bobbi Williams. The jury is still out on Odom and Utecht. But I don't think that it would hurt them to be a little more aggressive in free agency. I am not saying that they should go all Redskins on us, but there are impact players out there that we could use to help fill holes.
Been burned on problem players. Mathais Askew, Odell Thurman, Chris Henry, AJ Nicholson, Reggie McNeal. That is six players between primarily two drafts. That is allot of players to loose for one reason or another and all at one time. They need to be a better judge of character, and to be honest I think that they are improving in this area, but still the sins of the past are haunting today. It takes a long time to get over almost a whole draft worth of players that are gone.
Bad luck. The Bengals have had plenty of that. Going all the way back to Ki Jana and Akili. But more recently; Dennis Weathersby, Chris Perry, David Pollack, Adam Kieft, Ethan Kilmer, Kenny Irons, Keith Rivers. All guys that have suffered injuries that cost them multiple seasons, or their careers. Again that is a whole draft worth of people and that is hard to come back from. This is the one area where I can honestly say that it is not Mike and Marvin's fault. Bad luck happens to everyone, but man does it ever seem to follow the Bengals around like a rain cloud.

I of course am not telling Bengals fans anything they didn't already know, but I had to get out my disgust for the direction, or lack there of, for this football team. There needs to be a change, Marvin is a start, but Mike needs to go too, or better yet, hire a GM. I know it will never happen, but there are plenty of football savoy people out there who can help steer this ball club in the right direction. I will officially throw my name in for consideration.

Bengals offense wears out Bengals defense.

2008-10-20T18:52:00.003-04:00

No, this was not a scrimmage, although, I am sure I would have more to feel better about if it was. No it is just a simple matter of time of possession killing the Bengals. In six drives in the first half the Bengals punted 5 times, and those were all three and outs. At the end of the first half the Bengals only had the ball for about 10 minutes. That of course means that the defense was on the field for about 20 minutes. At the half we were looking at a 10-7 game in which the Steelers were winning of course, but it was much closer than I expected. But all that time on the field caught up to the Bengals defense in the second half. The Bengals defense was tired and showed it in the fourth quarter by giving up 21 points and turning a close game into a blow out.

What went wrong?

1. Well obviously 5 punts in their first 6 possessions was a glaring issue. Our old friend Dick Lebau had a field day with our offensive line. Fitzpatrick, you know the mobile quarterback, was sacked 7 times. Imagine if Palmer was back there he would have been murdered. Timmons, Woodley, and Harrison took turns sacking the quarterback, dropping running backs for losses and causing havoc for the 6’2” quarterback. I can only hope that the shut Palmer down and don’t force him to take snaps behind that dreadful offensive line. I don’t want Palmer going into the hall of fame in pieces.
2. The Steelers played more physical. They came out looking to punch someone in the face, unfortunately that person ended up being Keith Rivers, one of the few people on this team I enjoy watching. Hines Ward did exactly what you want your receivers to do, he threw a block and hit Rivers so hard that Keith was out the rest of the game and was bleeding from his mouth. And I just found out this morning that Keith is out for the season with a broken jaw. It was a clean hit and a good hit, I can only hope that Chad and TJ and Chris will see that in their film watching and decide to try that sometime, but you know all about old dogs and new tricks. Besides that one play the Steelers looked like they wanted to hurt someone, every tackle looked like it hurt, where as the Bengals had to miss several tackles before grabbing a shoe or forcing someone out of bounds. The best hit I saw from the Bengals was when Cedric Benson lowered his head and popped the helmet of Polamalu. When Troy got up it was clear he was out of it, as he grabbed onto Townsends jersey and had to be helped off the field. My wife was very excited, after watching Polamalu push Chad down after the play she would call Polamalu names the rest of the game, and when he got TKOed she had some choice words for him of which I will share later.
3. Special teams blunders. We gave the Steelers a short field to work with at least 4 times with horrible punts, one of which was 15 yards!
4. Inconsistent running game. Sure Cedric Benson averaged 3.7, which I am sure is the highest game average this year, but were we able to run when we needed it? And did we run enough? No is the answer, we only rushed 14 times and I think it was mostly at the end of the game. You have to establish the run early and then work in play action to try and keep someone as smart as Dick LeBau honest.

What went right?

1. Cedric Benson did manage to average 3.7 yards. While that is good, he only rushed 14 times. The Bengals still need to try and run more often to keep the offense out there and rest their defense.
2. Rookies got some snaps. Pat Sims, Andre Caudwell, Jerome Simpson all saw pretty valuable time in the game. Caudwell looked great returning kicks and Sims looked just as good on the defensive line. Sims was getting penetration that the defensive line has not seen since Tim Krumrie.
3. Tried to involve Chris Henry more. Chris had several balls thrown his way which was nice to see, but he did not capitalize several times. He needs to shake off that rust and get his head in the game.

Quotes of the game.

1. “Cedric Benson replaces the ineffective Chris Perry.”
That was one of the announcers at the beginning of the game. I find this funny because it you could replace Chris Perry with Barry Sanders and would have just about the same result. This line is NOT blocking for anything, I would say they wouldn’t block for a million dollars, but they are all making more than that.
2. “Good to see Cedric Benson all lathered up.”
That was Rich Gannon talking, obviously, about Cedric Benson, but I still do not understand what in the hell he was talking about. Never in my life have I heard one man refer to another man as being lathered up. It might have been in “Brokeback Mountain,” but I never saw it.
3. “Take that Ponomo, you bitch.”
That was Jesy after Cedric Benson hit Troy POLAMALU into next week. It was a running joke the whole game how she could not/would not pronounce Troy’s last name correctly.

Over/Unders

1. Special Team Blunders; 3.5
Covered, hell they had 4 horrible punts, that alone was enough to cover.
2. Play clock blunders; 2
Did not cover, it would seem that Marvin only likes to waste time outs and get delay of game penalties when the game is on the line, which it wasn’t. It was close at the half though, so a little surprise there.
3. Announcers calling Bengals players by the wrong name because they don’t care; 2
Did not cover, I was pleasantly surprised that the announcers not only called all Bengals players by the correct name, but did not really bash the Bengals either, refreshing.

Observations.

Clearly I was wrong and I will be the first to admit it. I said that if Mike Zimmer could get this defense in the top 15 that we would have a playoff caliber team. That, of course, was when we had a top 10 offense as well. Going into the game the Bengals defense was ranked 16th, the highest it has been since Marvin has been here. Clearly signing Mike was a good call, not to say there have not been defensive lapses, but game by game I feel more confident in them. I would have been happy with a top 20 defense at the end of the year and it looks like Mike will deliver. My biggest concern is what happened this week. The defense looked great the first half, but they were on the field for 20 minutes and you could tell by the fourth quarter they were dead on their feet, hence the Steelers were able to throw 21 points on the board in 10 minutes. I can only hope that this off season they take the time to evaluate the offense that has been stagnant since the middle of last year and focus on drafting players we need and not the best available.

Anyone notice Steven Jackson run all over Dallas on Sunday? 25 carries for 160 yards and three touchdowns, which is a 6.4 average. You know the same Steven Jackson we passed on twice to draft the “ineffective” Chris Perry. I’m just saying.

David Jones had a hard time catching Hines Ward?! Hines is a good receiver and a hell of a soldier, but I think that I am faster than he is. How is it that David Jones was not able to catch him? The more I watch David Jones, the more concerned I get.

Game balls.

1. Pat Sims. Was physical and was getting penetration, I want to see more of this guy.
2. Andre Caudwell. Looked great returning the ball.
3. Me. For watching that whole game.
4. Bengals fans. For not being afraid to boo a horrible team.
5. Cedric Benson. Running downhill and giving Troy Polamalu snot bubbles.

Well almost halfway through the season and the Bengals are an impressive 0-7. And although Houston did try to let Detroit win on Sunday by giving up 11 points in the fourth quarter, the Lions are still winless at 0-6. But 0-7 is still better, plus they beat the Bengals in pre-season. That number one draft pick that we are bound to screw up is looking better and better. Who Dey? Anybody.

No deals at the deadline.

2008-10-15T08:22:00.005-04:00

I know it is a rare occasion for big trades to happen in the NFL, especially in the middle of the season. But this is where I think baseball is smarter than football. In baseball you see a flurry of trades at the deadline, normally involving players that have expiring contracts and teams that are not in contention deal high priced, or expiring players that they know they can't sign to teams that need that one piece for a playoff run. For example the Reds, having no real hope of making the playoffs, traded Ken Griffey Jr., and Adam Dunn near the deadline and got a few prospects for them. Both the Diamondbacks(Dunn), and the White Sox (Griffey) were looking at the playoffs. Enter the Bengals, who clearly have no shot at going to the playoffs, unless they run the table and that is just not possible, not with this team. So, with no shot at the playoffs and with a need to either free up money or get more draft picks to save the ailing team the Bengals do nothing at the trade deadline.

Like I said I am not totally surprised since NFL teams are content to just let a free agent walk in the off season and not get anything for him. But here is what bothers me and I have suspicions. The Dallas Cowboys and the Detroit Lions made a deal, and if you ask me the Lions made off HUGE. The Lions got a 1st, 3rd, and 6th round draft pick for Roy Williams, a wide receiver that they were probably not going to re-sign after this year anyway. The Lions are in the same situation that the Bengals are in, they are win less, have no shot at the playoffs, have a good wide receiver that they will not re-sign, and allot of holes to fill through the draft. I am not sure who called who, but I still say the Lions made off like bandits.

The Cowboys, while I am not surprised that they made a move, made a bad one. Jerry Jones loves to hit that panic button just like George Steinbrenner in New York does. The problem with both men, while they are passionate to win and I respect that, however, they don't always go get what they need. Jerry made a deal with the Lions and gave away three draft picks on one draft to get a wide receiver on a team that already has one of the top three receivers in the league in Terrell Owens. The defense is what has been killing Dallas this year, not the offense. I guess a 50 year old Zach Thomas at middle linebacker was not the answer! Every game I have seen Dallas play, they have put up plenty of points and seemed to move the ball well on offense. They have one great quarterback, running back, one great tight end, one hall of fame receiver, and another good change of pace back. The only issue maybe that their quarterback, Tony Romo, is not out 4 weeks with a broken pinky. Probably trying to give Jessica the shocker. But again they didn't trade for a quarterback, they went out and got a receiver that they really didn't need. The "experts are calling this a good trade for Dallas, but I think it was a bad move. I think that they could possibly salvage the deal if they can lock up Roy Williams for 4 years, but if they can not work out a deal then it was a total bust of a trade.

But here is where this trade really effects me, who called who? Did Dallas call Detroit, or did Detroit call Dallas? Who cares? I do. If Dallas was calling around then you know that they called the Bengals to discuss Chad or TJ. And TJ is in the same spot with the Bengals that Roy was in with the Lions, contract is up at the end of the year and the team has not made an effort to re-negotiate. And if Dallas did call and offered the same thing to the Bengals why in the hell didn't they jump on it? I would have preferred to trade Chad and free up some cash and resign TJ. I know TJ is older, but he does things that Chad can't/won't, like block, go over the middle, and catch a crucial third down pass. But if it came down to it I would even be willing to part ways with TJ in order to get all those draft picks since this season is a wash anyway. At 0-6 you might want to starting looking towards the future.

Just for giggles I looked up some numbers to compare the three wide receivers that I have mentioned. To build anticipation I will give them fake names and there will be no bias. Well there will be a bias from the names that I give them, but I had to be funny.

Injury McDropsalot. Over four years he has averaged 913 yards, 7 touchdowns, and played 13.75 games. Age = 26

Consistant McToughnuts. Over four years has averaged 1040 yards, 8 touchdowns and played 15 games. Age = 31

Gatorarm McQuick. Over four years has averaged 1379 yards, 8 touchdowns and 16 played in 16 games. Age = 30

Now it would seem to me that either Consistant or Gatorarms would be a better option for the sheer fact that they play in more games. You are getting more for your money. The only upside that Injury has is that he is younger, but as we all know younger doesn't mean more talented. For clarification....

Injury = Roy Williams

Consistant = TJ Houshmandzadeh

Gatorarm = Chad Johnson

Now doesn't it seem more odd that Dallas would give up all of those draft picks for that guy? Are you ready for even more of a shocker? Randy Moss was traded from Oakland to the Patriots for a fourth round pick! Randy freaking Moss, who will in all likely hood be in the hall of fame. Easily one of the best receivers of our generation and the Patriots got him for a fourth round pick, ONE fourth round pick. When I first thought about this I blew my own mind, so I will give you a moment to regroup from that mental bomb I just dropped on you..............

Something to keep in mind of course is that it was Oakland, a terrible franchise run by a senile old man in Al Davis, that traded Randy to the Patriots, who are run by Bob Kraft one of the smartest executives in all of football. It would be like Lenny, from "Of Mice and Men," trying to match wits with Bill Gates.

So in conclusion the Lions get three additional draft picks for next year, and since they are just as terrible as the Bengals, they will have a top three pick on their own and I am looking at Dallas to sneak into the playoffs as a wild card team, but not much further, so they will also get a middle of the road pick as well. Dallas gets a good receiver, I will not call him great, to crowd an already crowded offense. And the Bengals did nothing, as usual, to better their team either for now or for the future. I have no idea what happened, if Mike Brown really does hate Jerry that much, because we all know Mike is stubborn enough, if Jerry never even called Mike, or if Detroit was the instigator. But I do know that if Matt Millen was still in Detroit none of this would have happened. I miss you already Matt, since you are gone the Lions might have a chance to get better, which means the Bengals are again the laughing stock of the NFL.

Brett Farve vs. The Bengals.

2008-10-13T08:19:00.003-04:00

Strange title don't you think? I can here some of you saying, "Weren't the Bengals playing the Jets?" And you would be right to ask that, but after watching the game I, myself, was confused. First you have the issue that for the second time this year the Jets wore their throw back jerseys. The one representing the Titans, the original Jets franchise name. This of course is confusing for several reasons, one the team colors are totally different and there is currently a Titans franchise in the NFL. I can't tell you how many times the idiot announcers butchered the actual team name. But the main reason is the announcers love affair with Brett Farve. And I don't mean just one or two of them, I mean all of them. Was there some addendum in the off season that said if Brett Farve comes back the media as a whole has to act like they all want to bear his children? Most of the time I forgot there was a game even going on, I just thought it was the Brett Farve show, or some weird reality show that had all three announcers trying to win Brett Farve's heart. I was waiting for Brett to call up to the booth and tell them that he was looking for some hot sweaty man sex and to have Dick Enburg, Dan Fouts, and Randy Cross all to get in a fight trying to get down to Brett first. I think that Randy would have literally jumped out the window and crowd surfed all the way down to him in order to win.

The most disturbing part of the "For love of Brett," was listening to the announcers spill "facts" like how it is so rare for Brett Farve to throw interceptions like he did on Sunday.

As of the 2008 season:
1) Brett Favre - 288

2) George Blanda - 277

3) John Hadl - 268

4) Vinny Testaverde - 267

5) Fran Tarkenton - 266

Yeah clearly he never throws interceptions. Not only has he thrown the most EVER by a quarterback, no active quarterback is even close, and Brett gets to just keep adding to the total because he loves to try to throw the ball where it doesn't need to go. Both of the interceptions that he threw Sunday didn't have to happen, but Brett is too big of a man to back down from that challenge, or at least that is what Randy Cross tells himself every night before he goes to bed. Some of the other "facts" were real gems too. Like, "Brett has thrown for over 35 miles in his career." Well shit I hope so, the man is like 75 years old, if he hadn't then he would be even worse that I already think he is. Look the fact of the matter is yes, he has thrown allot of touchdowns, he has thrown for allot of yards, and there was once a time when he was a great quarterback. He is now slightly above average and if he had not accumulated all of those records in a career that has spanned something like 12 decades then he would really suck. Of course don't tell that to all his boyfriends in the media, and if Madden ever reads this article I had better watch the hell out, he might go get Randy and Dan and come after me. I can see it now, Madden backing me into a corner and yelling nonsensical things with sound effects and just muttering Brett Farve's name over and over again until I pass out. Then his eyebrows will envelop me and I will become part of John Madden's forehead.

Now that I have that out of my system I can talk a little bit about the game, you know what I remember in between Randy and Dick gushing all over Brett Farve. There was not much to talk about that i have not already talked to death, so I will just try to hit some of the highlights in order to get through this blog without depressing myself into a suicidal state.

On the Jets second possession we gave them 8 tries in the red zone to score. It was a comedy of errors on both sides, but the best was on 3rd and 19 the Bengals commit an illegal contact and give the Jets a whole new set of downs to work with.

The Bengals were owned at the line of scrimmage on both sides of the ball. Offensively they gave up 5 sacks to a mobile quarterback and they could not run the ball to save their lives. Benson and Perry combined for a 1.8 rushing average. Defensively they were a siv on the run, as per usual. It was not so much the yardage, the Jets only managed 3.2 on average on the ground, the difference was that the Jets were able to do it when they needed to. Five of our top ten tackle leaders were defensive backs, not a good sign.

Special teams were a disaster as usual. I will touch on this more later, but how hasn't the special teams coach not been fired yet? Was it me or did it seem like the Jets were always starting with a short field?

Quote of the game.

"If you give Brett Farve that much time, you had better get your head examined. You better blitz and get after him if you expect to win."

That was Dan Fouts. As we all know Dan was really just talking about how he wishes he could "get after" Brett Farve, but it brings up an interesting point and one that I have discussed ad-nasium. If you want to win you have to blitz successfully. The Bengals were able to pull off two blitzes the entire game, the rest of the time Brett had ten years to throw the ball. How did the Patriots beat the Colts? How did the Giants beat the Patriots? They got to the quarterback, arguabley two of the greatest quarterbacks of our generation, and made them make mistakes. Then Bengals and their two scouts have not figured this out yet.

Over/Unders

Special team blunders +/- 2.5

Fair catch inside the 5 yard line

Offsides on Punt

Gave up huge yardage in punt returns in just the 3rd quarter, 36 off two punts.

Gave up huge yardage on 2nd Kickoff, 46 yards.

So it looks like the Bengals covered the spread easily this week, might have to raise that to at least three for next week!

2. Throwing short of the first down marker +/- 3

3-18 pass for 8 yards

3-7 incomplete pass and a penalty for kicks

3-4 sack

3-16 run for 10 yards

3-1 run for -1 yards

3-10 sack

3-5 incomplete pass

3-5 incomplete pass

3-15 run for 2 yards

3-11 pass for 10 yards

Wow, not only did they cover, but they killed the spread. Judging by just how terrible the Bengals are on third down I think that the Bengals should just save time and hassle and punt on third down. I can hear it now, "Third and two and here come Larson to punt the ball away."

3. Play clock blunders +/- 2

Shocking there were no glaring play clock disasters this week, sad because this is the area I can almost guarantee every week, come on Marvin don't you dare start coaching this team, not now, not on the brink of being the worst team ever in the NFL.

Conclusion

And then there were two. St. Louis and Houston both won their games, which leaves just Cincinnati and Detroit as the winless teams in the NFL. Is it a coincidence that both Jon Kitna and Rudi Johnson, both former Bengals are on that team? I thought our biggest rival for NFL's worst team and possibly going 0-16 was St. Louis, but it looks like we will have to fend off Detroit for that distinction. I think that if both teams end up 0-16 somehow that there need to be a playoff. You can have it as the half time show at the Pro Bowl, since none of the players from either team deserve to go. There needs to be a definitive worst team. Of course my big concern is that Marvin might still be confused and think that this is a good team. he did not make one play clock blunder all game! What the hell is that? Is he trying to win? This guy hasn't show a penchant for winning all year and suddenly he is not making mistakes? This concerns me greatly. What happens if next week he not only doesn't make any play clock mistakes, but doesn't give up 800 yards on special teams? No now he is not wasting plays and time, but he is winning the field position battle too, can you say "Gulp?"

Dear Marvin Lewis,

Please stop trying to convince people you can coach. It is scaring me and giving me doubts as to the validity of this team going 0-16. you are the biggest X-factor out there and we need you to continue to mis-manage the play clock, make weird constipated looks on the sidelines, worry more about Chad Ocho Cinco than players that actually deserve attention, throw red challenge flags on stupid plays that really don't matter, let our punt and kickoff coverage team not cover, convince our punt returners to fair catch inside the 5, demean media and fans by calling them ignorant, stupid, insipid, and tell them that they don't know football while laughing strangely. it always means more coming from you. The pieces are in place, we have an untalented young defense that loves to give up big plays, an unmotivated line that would sooner let their quarterback get a broken nose than block for 5 seconds, a huge distraction in a wide receiver that makes the most money at his position and still complains, running backs that can't run, and another wide receiver that can't stay out of jail. All we need from you is to continue to do your job and do nothing to fix any of it and keep that dream of 0-16 alive. Don't you dare go all Bill Belichick on me.

Cordially yours,

George Herron

Ridin' Crazy.......with Matt.

2008-10-11T09:17:00.002-04:00

For all you thrill seekers out there I have a new extreme sport for you, ride in a car with Matt Wenstrup. Never in my life have I gone through feeling like I wanted to throw up, to anger, to sheer adrenaline, to wanting to hide under my seat all in the matter of a few seconds. It would be like getting on a roller coaster that you just watched someone die on.

Let me say that I knowingly and willing got in a car with him, I of course have no reason as to why I keep doing this to myself, but I was under my own volition. It was supposed to be a simple trip downtown and back to run an errand, but it instead turn into an adventure that made me consider drafting my last will and testament.

First off the kid has the attention span of a fruit fly, if he is not cycling through the radio like it was some sort of speed contest then it was weaving in and out of traffic like the car was on fire. Of course he is doing all this while his head is on some sort of swivel, every time I dare to open my eyes and look over his head is turning and pivoting all around in order to find another spot with about a millimeter to spare and squeeze his car in it. I will admit it is impressive, he seems to know by sight the exact length of his car, because he will not hesitate to shove it into a spot that barely give him room. Hell if we got any closer to most of those cars we would have had some strange hybrid car of theirs and ours. We get to our destination in one piece, I would say safely, but as you can tell safety was clearly NOT the word of the day. So I uncurled from the fetal position and wiped the mix of tears and throw up off my face and laid on the ground just to make it stop moving. I thought that it might be a good idea to turn to religion. I thought that I should actually thank God, Buddha, Ala, Moses, or whoever Jews worship for making sure that I got here OK and also have them all watch over me on the return trip since it will take ALL of them to get me home I am sure.

After the errand it was time for the return trip, or as I call it, the journey back through hell. If you would ever want to see what it is like to see a rabid animal caged, watch Matt in traffic. He is aggressive, fidgety, anxious, impatient, hell there aren't enough adjective to go around. At one point we were behind a lady on a cell phone that was lagging behind the car in front of her by about 30-40 yards while in a traffic jam. Matt did at least honk his horn lightly a couple times to get her to move, but impatience took over and Matt got in the shoulder and whipped around her in a move that Nascar drivers might not have made. Somewhere Dale Earnheart is rolling in his grave.

As we arrived home I again peeled myself off of the car seat and ran inside so that I may change out of my urine and shit stained boxers. For the next 24 hours I felt like I was still in the car. If I sat down it was like an acid flashback, I was suddenly back in Matt's car zooming around at about mach 20 and everything is a blur. Now if you will excuse me I am going to go throw up.

Good Eats

2008-10-09T08:38:00.002-04:00

Yesterday marked three years of marital bliss between me and Jess. As usual we decided to spoil ourselves a little and went to one of the Jeff Ruby restaurants. We had already been to The Precinct, and Carlo and Johnny, so this year on the advice of Mo we decided to go to Jeff Ruby's in downtown Cincinnati. It, of course, did not disappoint. As I was thinking about it last night I really wanted to know which was the best, so I started to devise a point system in order to declare a winner. Here are the results.

Atmosphere.

The Precinct. The worst of the group, and really not good at all. When we were seated I felt like I was sitting on the lap's of the table next to me. I mean you would have been hard pressed to squeeze Laura Flynn Boyle in between our tables. Very cramped and not as intimate as you would like for an anniversary dinner. If Jess had whispered that she wasn't wearing any underwear, the whole restaurant would have known about it.

Jeff Ruby's. More room, but still a little stuffy. After an original seating debacle, which I will get to later, we were placed in a booth that was too large, but we made due. Lighting was good, but it almost seemed to much like a bar with a restaurant built around it.

Carol and Johnny. Inside was very spacious and never once did I feel that I was playing footsie with anyone else in the restaurant, well besides my wife of course. The lighting was a little dark, but not so that I could not find my food, as long as I concentrated. Jess and I could have talked about any number of things, like how I planned to kill my dog and I did not have to worry about the people next to us calling animal control.

Winner here was Carlo and Johnny, but Jeff Ruby's was not horrible, a close second. The Precinct was in a VERY distant third here.

The Food.

Carlo and Johnny. Not to say there food was bad, it certainly was not, but it was the worst of the three. The steak was outstanding, but I would not say it was better than the other two. The part that I felt that they failed on was the macaroni and cheese as a side dish. The waiter raved about it, if I hadn't known I would have thought it was Macaroni that God himself had made. Well if God did make it then he and Emeril need to have a talk, it tasted more like Mac and cheese with a hint of throw up.

Jeff Ruby's. Again food was not bad at all, it was freaking great. The steak was perfect, it was rare, but still warm in the middle, I mean PERFECT. As a side we got the mashed potatoes and they were glorious. They were garlic mashed potatoes, which I didn't remember reading, so it was a pleasant surprise and it was not over bearing at all, just a hint. And to top it off they gave us a HUGE slice of cheese cake for free for our anniversary.

The Precinct. Over all it may not have been the best food, but it was the first. Like having sex for the first time, it was probably a disaster and lasted about ten seconds, but you will remember it forever. The first time I put that steak in my mouth it was what I would call an oral orgasm. It was manna. It was like Jesus had blessed the cow that I was eating. To this day I compare every hunk of meat to the one I had that day at The Precinct, and so far nothing even comes close. In my mind it is perfection. Not only that, but the dish was called the "Levi Jones." How cool was it to order a Bengal?! I desperately wanted to order the "Carson Palmer", but the Levi was bigger and god knows my fat ass needed the most! I believe the side was a mashed potato as well, but it was more of a home made that had bit of potato in it still. It was good, but not nearly as good as Jeff Ruby's.

Winner is the Precinct, and probably due to the fact that it was my first. Over all I think the best food was Jeff Ruby's, but the steak was the best at The Precinct, only slightly of course.

Service.

Carlo and Johnny. The waiter was a dirty liar. He was the one that talked about the macaroni and cheese like it would cure cancer, and instead it was like choking down a mixture of baby vomit and dog turd. Shame on you waiter. Also I remember my drink glass being empty and having to wait a while before getting a refill. Normally I would not care that much, but if I am paying that kind of money my glass should never be empty, hell for that kind of money, they should just give you an i.v. drip for your drink.

The Precinct. Not a bad experience and there were no liars that I remember, but there was nothing that stood out either. It was just a normal restaurant experience with no incidents.

Jeff Ruby's. The waiter was phenomenal. He was very personable, very funny and he knew his stuff. At one point I heard him explaining something to another table and he said, "We put butter in the butter and then in the potatoes." Hilarious!

Winner; Jeff Ruby's. it was not even a contest. It was like Ruby's was Tyson and the rest were Spinks. Another side note, these restaurants are definitely geared for men. At every location the host/hostess was a petite little girl and all were super cute and the bartenders were women as well, always dressing nice, but slightly revealing. Something tells me Jeff himself made this a mandate!

Area of Town.

The Precinct. Down off Route 50 before you get to downtown, kind of close to the East End Cafe. Not the best part of town and especially at night. I would not like Jess walking around by herself down there. The area is getting better and is building up, but still has a long way to go.

Carlo and Johnny. Off Montgomery Rd in Montgomery. Very safe and quite a long driveway makes it seem a little remote and removed, it was nice.

Jeff Ruby's. Downtown and not the best location, although it is on the corner which makes valet parking easy. it would be nicer I think if it was a little more downtown, closer to the stadiums, but all in all not bad. I like downtown too, I just wish there was more reason to go down there or stay down there!

Winner; Jeff Ruby's, but it was close with Carlo and Johnny. I like to be able to go downtown and have the big buildings and it is always just a cool experience, now if downtown Cincy was cool, there would be no contest!

Overall.

The moment you have all been waiting for, the undisputed winner, at least until next year when we go to the Waterfront. Scoring a ten and your winner; Jeff Ruby's. The Precinct and Carlo and Johnny both get sevens, although just for the atmosphere I would lean towards Carlo and Johnny. Again I want to note that for the food you can not really go wrong at any place, but for my money I would go back to Jeff Ruby's first.

Bon apetite everyone.

Messin' with B.

2008-10-06T09:58:00.003-04:00

So not only was this Sunday a testament to failure for the Bengals, but the Herron family were winners. Jesy brought home the coveted best chili award from the Annual Wenstrup family chili cook off. And thank God for that, because besides messing with my younger brother in law, Brian, and the chili the day was an epic failure as far as the Bengals are concerned. Fortunately, at this point I not only am used to the Bengals losing, I am rooting for them to loose, I desperately seeking that ever elusive 0-16. It was hard though this week; 1. I HATE the cowboys, I have hated them ever since they had Emmit (I am over rated because of my offensive line) Smith and that crack head Micheal Irving. So rooting for them to win was tough, I just had to keep convincing myself that I was rooting for the Bengals to lose not the Cowboys to win. 2. The Bengals gave me hope again in the fourth quarter by getting close and making me think that they might actually win. I found myself rooting for them, it was such a strange conflict. It was like the first time I saw "Empire Records," I know I liked it, but I had to refrain because it was my wife's favorite movie, and by law I have to hate movies and music she likes. But of course, in typical Bungal fashion, they dashed the hope of winning just as it was in sight. So let's recap the day starting at the beginning shall we?

I show up to the Wenstrup's wearing Boston Red Sox gear, jersey and hat. Eyebrows were raised, questions were asked. Let me explain;

I wanted to support a team that WANTS to win. They want to win from Theo Epstein, their general manager, all the way to the cleaning crew, most of which I am sure don't even speak English, but they know if the Sox win they get a nice little bonus.
Have I always been a Red Sox fan? No, but I became one, and not because they suddenly got good. I have ALWAYS hated the Yankees. HATE. I hate them so much that I wore all the same Red Sox gear to a Yankees game in the Bronx. I did have to take it off around the 5th inning because drunkards were threatening my life and I felt that they meant what they were saying. And when I saw how much the Red Sox hated the Yankees it made me start to like them more an more.
Then I went to Fenway and watched a game. It was like a religious experience, or your first orgasm, nothing can really put into words the pure joy and ecstasy of watching a game at this place. It is like a devote Catholic meeting the Pope, or a Jew getting to nail Jesus to the cross, or my dog finally catching his tail. It is Mecca for baseball fans.
Bill Simmons is rubbing off on me. I first discovered him reading page 2 on espn.go.com and loved the way he wrote. He is a big Boston honk, since he is from there and being that I try to read everything he puts out he has slightly influenced me.

I do hope that clears up why I was wearing Red Sox gear and why I do like them so much. So of course after answering a series of those questions I had to answer the question of why I did not make a chili this year. Since two years ago I was the winner and last year I came in second place by one vote. I could lie here and say it was because I did not want to kick my wife's ass and embarrass her chili, but that would be FALSE. Well only a little false, I mean if I let her have victories like this it pays off for me later, and if you do not know what that means then you are not old enough to be reading this. The real reason was because I was called a sore loser recently by an individual who I did not see it coming from, and which will remain nameless. Since being called this I have taken a vow of celibacy towards competition. It saddens me, but I don't want to be known as that guy either. Sad because I would have kicked the crap out of all those chili's!

So after the series of the same two questions from everyone I was ready to sit down and start to watch the game. As the pre-game show is going on I can hear Brian, again my younger brother in law, asking everyone he sees if they will be his corn-hole partner. Keep in mind that in some cases he is not waiting for an answer he is just asking everyone he sees. Also keep in mind that I have been coming to this event for 7 years and we NEVER pick partners, we draw cards, which makes him asking literally everyone, except Jesy, hilarious. I just sit back an smile knowing that in about 5 minutes when this game starts that I might not smile again for 3 hours.

The Game.
Glen Holts takes the Kickoff and the game is essentially over. They are just going to play this one for practice. First play of the game Palmer throws one of the worst passes I have ever seen him throw for an interception. Thankfully and unexpectedly the Bengals D hold Dallas to a field goal.

Next Dallas series they are faced with a 4th and 4, and since they have watched game tape and have a scouting department they know that the Bengals can't normally play good defense for three downs let alone four so the go for it of course. The law of averages play out well since they turned 4th and 4 into 7 points and a 10-0 lead.

The rest of the half was actually pretty boring and disappointing. Dallas goes into the locker room winning 17-6. The Bengals just love to get down in the red zone and score field goals. I was more disappointed though with Dallas, I expect the Bengals to F-up near the end zone, it is like their Kryptonite, but Dallas only put up 17 at the half?!? I was expecting at least 50. That got me to thinking why would they only have 17?

Tony Romo wants his relationship with Jessica Simpson to be over. Follow me on this one, Tony doesn't want to be the bad guy and have to dump her, so he tanks the first half and only throws to T.O. once in order to get T.O. fired up and call him gay for not throwing him the ball. After last week and now the first half of this week you know that T.O. is just waiting to Tony's shower adventures with Jason Witten. Once that leaks out of course Jessica will dump him and he and Jason can live happily ever after. Just a theory.
Jerry Jones bet the all the new stadium money on the Bengals this week and took the points.
Wade Phillips is not a good coach, not a guess just a fact.

During half time I notice a commercial for Survivor, that show is still on? Does anyone still care? Show me a reality show where it is actually a reality show and I might watch. What kind of suspense is there to these shows? Will a T.V. company really let people die? I say find Buffalo Bill and throw a few "survivors" down in his little well and have them survive him cross dressing and wearing lipstick, good luck!

The third quarter is more of the same terribleness from the Cowboys, are the all hung over? I mean they really looked like crap. I was worried that for a while I was going to have to explain how the Cowboys lost, the Bengals did not win, thank God the Bengals remembered that they were the Bengals.

In order to spice things up, since the game was boring me to tears, I saw that Brian had put his plate of wings on the porch railing, so I climbed into the bushes and stole them when he wasn't looking. You could see him up on the desk looking around aimlessly and then he just looked at the ground and said "crap." It took everything I had not to lose it. Then he start to "interrogate" everyone near by about his wings, he would point to the railing ans tell people that they were right there a second ago. Then again while no one was looking I put them back in the same place and my mother in law saw them and Brian looked like Jesus Christ had just shown up, he had no idea what was going on. And that got me through the third quarter of boringness.

The fourth quarter started off with a bang, and I don't mean on the field, it was at this time that the ever creepy back scratch showed up. Many of you do not know what I mean, so I will explain. My mother in law has a sister that is off the charts weird. She is a person that you would have to ask if they were dropped allot as a kid, or if they ate paint chips when they were little. And whatever you do, DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT get stuck by yourself talking to her. She can breathe through her eyelids, she never stops talking and it is ridiculous stuff. Jesy made the mistake of leaving me alone with her a few times when we first started dating, I was traumatized. Now the back scratching, she will always without fail find my father in law, her sisters husband mind you, and use her nails to make love to his back. It is the weirdest thing I have ever seen, she always has this strange smile on her face while doing it too, like it is satisfying her in some way. As I am typing this I am getting chills of disgust and might throw up on the keyboard. This is a tradition that needs to stop, I just keep hoping that Carol will drink enough one time and see that weird smile and punch her in the face. Entertainment and justice all in one.

The Bengals get cute in the fourth quarter and call an onside kick that no one saw coming and they recovered it! Again instill some false hope in fans everywhere. No to worry though again in typical Bungal fashion Chris Perry fumbles the ball for the 5th time this year and Dallas recovers which then leads to a Dallas touchdown and again puts the game out of reach.

Disappointments/Observations.

Bengals receivers do not block. Hell they barely manage to get in the way.
Marvin again does not disappoint, he uses a timeout with 2:06 left on the clock. Really you cant wait 6 seconds to call a play that won't work anyway? What the hell was the point of that timeout? You wait 6 seconds and you get the two minute warning anyway, Christ!
Patrick Crayton cannot catch a ball thrown right to him, but he can catch a tipped pass in the end zone for a touch down to seal the game for Dallas, well done good sir.
The Dallas offense overall. I wanted 70+, a-holes.
Why was there no fight? Why was Chris Henry not on the field more? I think that it was some sort of conspiracy, I wanted fireworks and instead got Chris Henry on the field for like five plays. Sad, just sad.

Quote of the game.
Rick: "Brian, why aren't you inside playing with your Wii?"

Brian: "Because my friend left already."

Game balls.

Marvin Lewis. For debacling the play clock again and for keeping this team on track and focused on 0-16.
Jesy. For winning the Chili cook off.
Kevin and Kat. For winning the corn-hole tournament.
Keith Rivers. The only player besides Ndukwe that is playing with purpose.
Brian. For "finding" his wings.
George Sr. He brought Lemon Torte and I was eating it out of the pan by the end of the game literally.

Another chili cook off comes and goes, a smaller crowd this year, but just as much fun. Along with that another Bengals loss, well done boys, you gave us all a little scare, but you pulled through in the end like I knew you could.

Quick Shout out to Beth and Sue, thanks for reading guys!

What to look for this weekend....

2008-10-03T15:45:00.003-04:00

There are several intriguing things to look forward to this weekend even if you are a Bengals fan. I know that the Bengals have to go out and play the Cowboys, easily one of the best teams in the NFC, but do not despair Bengals fans, instead look at these story lines.

Chris Henry vs. Adam "The delinquent formally known as Pacman" Jones. I was going to save this for my last bullet point, but I am so excited that I had to talk about it right away. This might be the battle to end all battles! Will there be guns? Shivs? Will one or the other convince his "homies" to ambush the other one in the showers after the game? Who really knows? What I do know is that the anticipation is killing me. Also, be on the look out in the news for prison riots. I think that the crips and the bloods are a thing of the past, I think that the future of gangs are the Henry's and the Jones'. Like something out of "West Side Story!" Requirements for being in the Henry gang are; Wearing a Chris Henry jersey while firing a gun in the air, serving alcohol to minors, throwing beer bottles at valets and having pot on you at all times. To be in the Jones gang is easier and more fun, you just have to do it allot more often. You have to go to night clubs and violate all kinds of women in all kinds of different ways, and carry pot on you at all times as well. I can see it now, Chris Henry is going to score a touchdown after Pacman blows coverage(and a .8 on the breathalyzer) and there will be an "incident" in prison yards every where between the rival gangs. This game will start Armageddon.

Drinking games. Want to get wasted? Here are a few ways to do that quickly during this game. Do a shot every time the Bengals give up a sack(N/A if Fitzpatrick is the quarterback), do a shot every time the Cowboys score, do a shot every time the Bengals punt, Do a shot every time Chad or T.O. throw a fit after gator arming a ball thrown to them, do a shot every time Marvin Lewis mis-manages the clock. If you just choose one category you will get blasted, try for a hat trick and you will be in a coma, try to be an iron man and do a cover all of the categories and you will die, plain and simple.

Cedric Benson vs. Chris Perry. A battle of futility. First of all the line won't block for either back unless they bribe them. Hell the same group of guys let their quarterback, their leader, get a broken nose and a banged up elbow and haven't flinched. Secondly neither one of these backs are as good as they were in college. Perry is coming off like 20 seasons of being injured and Benson hasn't played since being cut by the Bears. They should change the term of Mr. irrelevant to who ever is toting the rock for the Bengals.

Marvin Lewis gets canned watch. There is still not much talk about Marvin being in the hot seat, but if the 'Boys are up by 50 at half time let the hand ringing begin!

If you are into the Bible, this is very depictive of David vs. Goliath. Goliath being Jerry Jones, clearly part of the HAVES in the NFL. He has money and spends it, he is in one of the bigger markets for the NFL and is the owner of America's team. Mike Brown is a have not, he has no football sense, no inclination to spend money, no commitment to make his team any better, and he is in a small market. Sadly this will not quite end the way it does in the bible. Goliath will CRUSH David and still rule supreme.

So there you have it some reasons to watch the god-awful blood bath that will occur Sunday a 1:00 pm. Enjoy and look for my post game notes!

Reds year in reveiw.

2008-09-30T08:35:00.003-04:00

I was expecting a .500 season from the Reds this year, and they fell a little short. But what was very encouraging was the strong finish in the last month. Normally by this time the Reds would have given up and just not cared, but I think that there are enough guys on this team that are young and hungry so they continued to battle until the end. There were allot of good things that happened this year and some bad, some things to look forward too and some things that need to happen in the off season.

The Good.

Bruce, Votto, Dickerson, Cueto, Volquez. All of these guys are rookies that got in allot of valuable playing time. It is nice to see a group of young talent come up and contribute like they did, and it gives hope for next year. My only fear is what happened with the Braves. They bring up the young talent and they do well that year, but then the next two years show their inexperience and their youth against seasoned pitching.

Getting rid of Griffey and Dunn. Griffey is old and just didn't care anymore. I saw him run harder and give more effort in two games when he was traded to Chicago than he did in the last two seasons here. Dunn is a riddle wrapped in a mystery. He is a lock for 100 runs, 100 rbi and 40 home runs every year. You would think that would be enough to want to keep him in any lineup, oh yeah he walks allot too. But on the flip side he strikes out 200 + times a year, he is horrible with runners in scoring position, his batting average is frequently below the mendoza line, and his defense, if you can call it that, is like watching a fat kid who is right handed play with a left handed glove in quick sand. So, all the positives that he did actually bring were completely negated by his "other half." It really is like Dunn is two different people, part Captain Caveman, part Chunk from "Goonies."

Bronson Arroyo. After a horrible start to the year, he had a great second half to finish the years as the pitcher that I think everyone was expecting to see. After the June 24 batting practice that he gave up to Toronto, giving up 10 earned runs in one inning, he went on kind of a tear going 12-3 to finish off the year. E.R.A. was a little high, but he was an inning eater going 200 innings and had 100 fewer walks than strikeouts.

Brandon Phillips. Another strong year for the second basemen that Cleveland threw away. Some of his stats were down, but still a good year. He was 20/20 and his walks were up and strikeouts were down. His fielding percentage was .990 and he only had seven errors, another gold glove year that I am sure will be overlooked. The only glaring issue was the batting average took a huge hit. He went from .288 down to .261, that is a pretty big drop off. No real protection can be part of the blame, maybe we can fix that in free agency?

The Bad.

Aaron Harang. Every statistical category took a hit this year. His E.R.A jumped a full point from 3.73 to 4.78, he lost 17 games, he only pitched 184 innings, and had as many walks as he did last year in 50 less innings. I know he was hurt for allot of the year, but even when he was healthy he wasn't right. I am just hoping that he can return to form and have years like 2006 and 2007.

The Bullpen. And yes this includes Fransisco Cordero. Lets start with him since he is making the most. Saves were down, E.R.A. was up, walks were up, strikeouts were down, and hits were up. he did finish strong, but was not as consistent as he was last year, and I put him in the bad category because we are paying him 11+ million a year. If I am paying my closer that much I want more for my money. Idea for next year include; Since he is "The Matador," maybe he should come out in the little hat and red cape and do a dance with it after each strikeout, or maybe he can wear a giant Reds sombrero while pitching, I know he is not Mexican, but that would entertain me. Now as far as the rest of the bullpen, they were much worse. In a day in age when pitching wins championships the Reds should start to do their homework. I was looking for official stats to back me up, but I could not find any, needless to say it was horrible, and I am pretty sure it was just as horrible as I think it is.

Defense. Getting rid of Dunn and Griffey will certainly help in the future, but we still have issues defensively. We need to get better at shortstop, third base and first base. Personally, I would love to just get rid of Edwin Encarnacion, more on that later. I like Keppinger, but he is not good with the glove and since Derek Jeter is hard to come by I would prefer to have a stronger defensive presence out there than offensive, i.e. see Dave Concepcion. Didn't they win two World Series with that guy?

Catcher. We have not had a good catcher since maybe Joe Oliver. I know Joe was no Johnny Bench, but he was able to manage a pitching staff, much like Jason Varitek. Jason is way better, but Joe was still pretty good. Again, Johnny Bench is hard to come by, but I do want a catcher that can call a game. We have allot of young pitchers that could use a good veteran catcher to help guide them along, where is Crash Davis when you need him?

Homer Bailey. This kid has been given every opportunity to succeed and he has not been able to run with it. It is starting to look like it may be time to call it quits on this kid and give him a change of scenery, it may be best for both he and the organization. 2008 stats; 0-6 7.93 E.R.A. 18 Strikeouts, 17 walks, 59 hits. Wow.

Homer segways to my next point, the minor league pitching coaches. When was the last time the Reds developed a decent pitcher that they drafted? Tom Browning? He was drafted in 1982 by the way. Homer is a prime example of how our minor league coaches are failing; a kid with all the talent in the world and they can't seem to hone it at all.

Management.

Office management, C+. They did get rid of Griffey and Dunn and got more than a bucket of balls in return, they let the rookies play and earn the right to play, they dealt Hamilton and got a prime pitching prospect in Volquez. However, They still have about 8 left handed bats, which is very imbalanced and they have utility players starting full time out of position, i.e. Jerry Hairiston, Ryan Freel, Jeff Keppinger. Corey Patterson, 'nuff said.

Field management, C-. Probably gave too much of a chance to Homer to prove himself, especially since he was struggling in AAA as well. Why was Votto not starting over Hatteberg to start the season? Votto had a great spring and Hatteberg has been nothing but a serviceable first basemen his entire career. Why was Corey Patterson starting in center field? Are you really telling me that at the start of the season that Jay Bruce wasn't better than Corey Patterson? I understand having the veteran on the bench ready to go when Jay is slumping, but it was just a horrible idea to have him start, and for so long.

Some questionable moves and calls, but I have a better feeling than when I had to watch Dunn bat lead off. I think the upper management and Dusty and his crew are pretty stable and this organization needs some stability in order to grow. And now that locker room cancers are gone and well as defensive liabilities, I would like to see what they do this off season, last year proved that if they think that they really need it that they will go out and sign a big contract.

Possible trade?

I like to tinker, I like to see what would make sense. I had this thought about a month ago when I thought that the Ray's could not possibly keep it up, kudos to them they did! But I was thinking that if they were not able to pull off this miraculous turn around could the Reds go to them with Edwin and Bruce, or Edwin and Dickerson for Evan Longoria? it is not longer in the realm of possibility, but I thought it was a win/win. The Reds get that right handed bat they need and a defensive upgrade and the Rays get a speedy outfielder with a little pop and someone to replace Longoria at third.

Also, Pat "The Bat" Burrell is a free agent. his average is not great, but he is a legit power hitter and right handed, and his defense is way better than Dunn's was.

Speaking of....Here are free agents of interest.

Joe Crede Third base

Milton Bradly Outfield (He is crazy though)

Carl Crawford Outfield (Not really affordable?)

Raul Ibanez Outfield (Age factor?)

Scott Podsednik Outfield

Bobby Abreu Outfield (Money factor)

Pat Burrell Outfield

Jon Garland Pitcher

Jason Jennings Pitcher

Will Ohman Relief Pitcher

Mike Timlin Relief Pitcher

Dennys Reyes Relief Pitcher

So, with all that said here is to next year, a famous motto of Reds fans since 1990.

Que the circus music...

2008-09-29T08:31:00.005-04:00

Every time I watch the Bengals play all I hear is circus music in the background. It is sad that the title "The Divine Comedy," has already been taken because it would fit an autobiography of the Bengals for the last 25 years. They make me laugh, cry, shout out in terror and anticipation, it really is like I am at a circus or something.

Let me start by saying that I was at the game this week. Much to my dismay I was forced to go with my wife and a friend of her from work. I was not upset at WHO I had to go with, but with the fact that I had to go and personally witness the bludgeoning that I knew would take place. The only good that I could see was that I got to see it live instead of having to squint to see a clear picture on that HD broadcast.

On our way to my wife's friend's(Jennifer) house, a friend that I had met briefly in working with her over three years ago, I was given a warning. "Please try not to use the 'F' word today." Jennifer is a devout catholic and I am the cursing king, this had potential for disaster. So before we got to her house I called Rick and we said the "F" word about 500 times in three minutes and I think I got my fill of it for the day. We arrive at Jennifer and her husband Jason's house after my wife passes by their house not once, but twice. Please keep in mind that she has been there before! I meet Jason, Jennifer's husband for the first time and he is wearing a Chad Johnson jersey, brave man in my opinion. We all climb in to Jason and Jennifer's Highlander and take off for the Bengals beat down. Side note, Highlanders are NICE! very roomy and nice ride, I am now jealous of Jason as his Highlander is much better than my Aveo, surprising I know.

Upon arriving at the game I get the first call from Mo..."Dude, Palmer is out." It was like Mo reached out from the phone and punched me in the stomach. Any hope of winning this game just sank like the Titanic. And in the back of my head the whole game I thought about Richie Brahms knee and how badly they down played it and he was out the whole season. I can see this coming. As we sit down and this news really sinks in Jennifer looks at me and says "You need to say that Jennifer says, they will lose." it was like she was some sort of prophet! Jennifer Mohamed, I like it.

Jason and I started doing some over/unders and here is what we came up with. Over/under for Levi's sack watch was at 2 1/2, over/under for special teams blunders was also at 2 1/2, over/under for Fitzpatrick throwing an interception was at 2. Levi did not cover, but I think that was due more to Fitzpatrick being able to scramble than Levi improving. Levi did at least have one false start again keeping his blunder streak alive. Special teams was close to covering, they gave up a big kick return to start the second half and then later in the game a shitty kick off gave them great field position. Thankfully Ryan Bailed me out and threw three picks! Well done backup QB.

Points of interest.

The Bengals don't feel like they have to play defense until they are inside the 20. That is great that they DO eventually feel urgency, but, and I am no mathematician, but 0 points is better that 3. Why not stop them earlier and force a punt instead of a field goal? They will let a team nickle and dime them to death, but they sure as shit lock it down in the red zone, well that is until they don't care anymore and they know the game is over, i.e see the fought quarter.

David Jones was covering Braylon Edwards. Really? Again with this, did I not just talk about how he was covering Plaxico Burress for over half the game last week? Why was Leon Hall not his shadow for the entire game? I don't care where Braylon was on the field Leon should have been right there with him.

Run, run, pass. Bob Bratkowski is a genius. No one will expect him to be so dumb that he runs the same damn play week after week in the same sequence. By the way let me make this real easy for the rest of the NFL. If T.J. goes in motion and stops behind the tackle, they are running the ball, right there. Christ, I think Radio knew that play was coming.

I hate to keep going there, but how about that play clock management huh? Before the half we burn a timeout, go to no huddle for ONE play and then call another timeout. WTF is that?!? Then in the second half we had used all of our timeouts by 11:06 left in the game. Gee, I hope we won't need those at the end of the game or anything.

The Bengals defense was 2/8, or 25%, for those scoring at home, on stopping the Browns on 3rd and short. Not a good percentage. One of those 3rd and short we had a turn over that was called back because of a penalty, more on that later.

Chad Johnson a.k.a. Chad Ocho Cinco Scored his first, and maybe his only touchdown, of the year, and there was no obscene celebration. I was actually disappointed it might have been the only thing worth watching at that game.

Why is Keith Rivers coming off the field every third down. He is probably the best linebacker we have and he is only play two downs?

Ryan Fitzpatrick is Chad Pennington that can run. I don't think Fitz completed a pass over 10 yards that was to a Bengal receiver. But, hey he sure can scramble!

Play of the game.

Jason pointed out that this might have been the most creative way yet to get a first down. I look at it as two teams being so horrible that they out bad luck each other. Ryan Fitzpatrick, in scrambling for his life, throw another gorgeous interception on 3rd down only to have to Browns fumble it back to the Bengals on the return. One of the most discombobulated plays I have ever witnessed live.

Prophetic moment of the game.

All due respect to Jennifer and her vision of the Bengals losing, I think that everyone was already thinking that. I, however, saw the touchdown that broke the Bengals back coming several play away. When the David Jones managed to pick off a ball on 3rd and short, but it was promptly called back because of a neutral zone infraction and gave the Browns a first down in the process I just knew that the Brows would turn that second chance into a score. Better yet, I knew the Bengals would give up and let the Browns waltz in the end zone. And they did. Bryalon Edwards like three plays later in the end zone stomping all over Bengals fans hearts.

Side Notes.

I was bored enough at one point that I was studying the cheerleader routines. NOT the cheerleaders mind you, my wife is is more attractive and has a way better personality than probably all of them. I noticed that all of their routines were repetition of two or three. I used to wonder how they remembered all that crap, then on Sunday it became pretty clear that if you can count to three you were golden. I am sure it is still complex for some of them.

The flag football game that they had at halftime was a better show than the actual game. There were trick play, great catches, emotion, passion, basically all the things that the Bengals/Browns game lacked!

The row in front of us was playing musical chairs the entire game. The group in front of us and another group 5 rows down and one section over kept switching seats all damn game. I mean it is not like one section was better than the other, I understand that several of these individuals might have needed the exercise, but did they have to keep getting up and down right in front of me?

I found it interesting that people were talking about how Romeo Cernel's job was on the line at the start of this game, but Marvin Lewis was not. Interesting may not be the word, sad and angry may be more appropriate.

The best part of the day was Jennifer proving my point about the West side being the most confusing place on Earth. Jennifer, a west sider for life, tried to tell me that it is not that confusing, but she was not able to get us home taking state route 50. I think even Jason silently agreed with me that the west side was laid out by a drunk city planner. I mean if we would have gone about three more miles on 50 I am sure we would have been in Indiana. us getting home was like the Bengals offense, we were going somewhere and getting nowhere! To Jennifer's credit we did eventually get home, but it was after the vulchers had been circling the car for what seemed like hours.

To all of those that were concerned, curse watch 2008 was not too bad. I think I only dropped the "F" bomb like three times and no one seemed to be too offended. Jason and Jennifer were very cool and seemed to tolerate me quite well, more on them later.

Game Balls.

Again the Bengals made it tough, but I managed to find a few positives about the game.

Chinedum Ndukwe. Interception, blitzing, made tackles. They guy played with fire and heart.

Keith Rivers. On the downs he actually played he was always around the ball.

Jason and Jennifer. For tolerating me and my antics all day, kudos to you guys.

The Highlander. Jason's car rocks and deserves some credit. plus after the getting home confusion it was nice to know that I would die in a nice vehicle as apposed to my Aveo.

The Nachos. They were crisp, and fresh, they were not three weeks old that had been left out in the rain. The cheese had some spice, but not too much that made my throat burn. The only issue I had was that most of the chips looked like they were sat on by the 300 pound cupcake sitting in front of me. Well he was sitting there half the time anyway. Chip crums are not optimal for dipping in cheese. Overall = B-.

After this game I felt like the Bengals were an old dog that you love, but you know what you have to do. You watch every day as that dog that you have come to love over the years, is shitty all over the floor, snapping at relatives, dragging his hind legs through the kitchen. It is sad, but you know it is time to put him down. The Bengals need to be put down, it will not get any better this year and especially if Palmer is out for the rest of the years like many are thinking he will be.

Hello number 1 draft pick. I know it is like looking at puppies before the dog is gone, but it is the only thing that keeps me even slightly positive. Well that and the dream for 0-16 continues. St.Louis, Detroit, and Houston are all still in the running as well, but I am confident that the Bengals who have to play Dallas, Shitsburg and the Brett Farve led Jets coming up, can outlast all of the competition.

Go Bungles!

All Time Rants.

2008-09-25T20:06:00.003-04:00

If anyone knows me I can go on quite a rant when needed, or not needed! If you don't know me, you should I am cool and my rants are generally funny. But in listening to Lance McAllister on 1530 the Homer today, it inspired me to post a blog about some of the all time great rants and or fits of our time. For today marks the 2 year anniversary of Mike Valenti's rant after Michigan State blew a 16 point lead to Notre Dame in the fourth quarter.

So, without further ado here is a list of the top 15 best rants/fits that I could remember.

Bobby Knight - The best of
Dennis Green - Crown their ass
Jim Mora - Playoffs?!
Phill Wellman - Manager loses it
Joe Mikulik - Over reaction
John McLaren - Reaction to Seattle's shitty season
Lou Pinella - Take any
Brett Meyers - Boom outta here
Allen Iverson - What are we talking about, Practice?
Mike Tyson - Dude is crazy
Jim Everet - Tackles Jim Rome
Kevin Borseth - Michigan Basketball Loss
John Cheaney - Threatens a white guy, weird
Mike Gundy - Sticks up for player
Hal McRae - Loses it

My favorite remains Bobby Knight, specifically when he talks about the "game face." I will laugh until I pee myself almost every time I watch it.

Smallville.

2008-09-24T08:16:00.003-04:00

I am a super hero guy. I read comic books, I watch the Marvel/D.C. movies, and I enjoy most of them. Deadpool is my favorite comic book "hero," but mainstream I am a Batman guy. And for the record, I was a Batman guy long before "The Dark Knight." In any case, my friend Tony suggested that I try watching "Smallville." He has all the seasons on DVD, so I borrowed season one and just finished it yesterday.

Quick Recap

"Smallville," is the account of Clark Kent in high school. What life was like as his powers were developing, friends coming into and out of his life, blah blah blah. It seems like the type of show you would watch after school on the WB. Think "Dawson's Creek," but with super powers.

Issues

Issue number one is the before mentioned high school theme. I am close to 30, so it is tough to relate to high schoolers and their world. I think that if my wife would have given it more of a chance she might have liked it. She loves high school shows, such as "Gossip Girl," which is one of her new favorite shows. Incidentally, she just found out that we do not get the channel that carries both "Smallville," and "Gossip Girl," on Dish. She might soon be demanding a switch to Direct TV, we will NEVER go back to Cable TV, take that Time Warner!

Issue number two is the writing for the show. Every episode with the exception of about three were just recycled garbage from the first episode. Some kid in Smallville, normally a weirdo, has an accident involving leftover meteor rocks and now has super powers that only Clark can fight off. I know there needs to be suspended belief for these shows, so, I won't touch the fact that every time something happens Clark is in the middle of it, in a small town....don't these people ask questions, but I said I wouldn't touch it. Predictable, boring, uninspired and dumb. Are they assuming that only morons watch the show and could not comprehend a serious plot twist?

Issue number three is continuity. Watching this show is like watching "Titanic." You know the ship is going to sink, what is the hell is the point? "Smallville" is very similar, Clark's two best friends are never heard of again and his "love" interest is mentioned, but you know he goes to Metropolis and falls for Lois Lane, not Lana Lang. So all the story that they build around these 4 characters are basically irrelevant to the future of Clark/Superman. This is also what I like to refer to as the "Barbara Hambry Effect." 'Ol Barb is an author who has written two Star Wars books, and they are the most godawful crap I have ever read, it is blasphemy. I am a big Star Wars guy, so her books are especially disturbing to me. Her two books develop characters and story lines that are never again mentioned in ANY of the other Star Wars books.

Issue number four is the end of season one. Wow, do they ever hold their fans hostage. I know you tend to build up and leave maybe a little bit of a cliff hanger for the next season, but nothing on this scale. There are at least four different major events that are going on, that get no resolution. I was more pissed than excited about seeing the first episode of season 2. I cannot remember a show in recent memory that has had that much of a cliff hanger from their first season to the next. In "Heroes," there was a cliff hanger or two, but there was also resolution. It built up all season to saving the cheerleader and the city blowing up, and it resolved those two. there was no building, since it was recycled stories about every week, and there was no real resolution.

Issue five, more of a pet peeve really. The Ross/Rachel factor. It is a staple in any show written now a days, you have to have that awkward, will they/won't they, between two of the stars in the show. And because I got so sick of the Rachel/Ross drama, I find myself tuning out any show that starts to build that right away. the worst part is, that it's really irrelevant, as I mentioned before, since we all already know that Clark goes to Metropolis and falls for Lois Lane.

The Good

The best part about the show, and the only compelling story line is that between Lex Luthor and Clark. You know that Superman and Lex Luthor end up being bitter rivals, but in "Smallville," they are best friends, with some slight awkwardness. The other part about this that I find interesting is that in the movies and comics, Lex never knows that Clark and Superman are the same, he just hates Superman. However, in "Smallville," Lex is pressing to see if Clark is indeed blessed with special powers after Clark rescued him from drowning in his car. I might tune in just to see how this plays out. How do they go from Philo and Clyde to Yanks and Sox?

Over all I would give this about a 4 out of 10. Tony keeps telling me that it gets better after the first season, but I am on the fence as to weather or not I want to give it the time to evolve. I might try the second season to say that i gave it a fair shot, but at this point I am not sold.

Re-inventing the loss....

2008-09-22T08:10:00.004-04:00

It would seem that every week the Bengals find a new, creative way to lose, but still manage to do all the other little things wrong in the process. Take Sunday's loss as an example, the offense fought and battled hard just to let the defense blow coverages and miss gaps. With less than 3 minutes in the game the offense drives down field again and amazingly does the same thing that they did before halftime last week. They have a timeout available and they could have spiked the ball. Had they done either of those, they would have had enough time to at least run one play and still have time for a field goal. Hell, they could have run their famous draw play and still call the timeout to kick the game tying field goal.

My big issues with all this is, besides the obvious clock management issues I have been harping on is that they had a chance to win the game and instead settled for the field goal and the tie. They play not to lose. In a game where the defense struggled to really stop the Giants, Marvin was content in going into overtime and possibly giving the Giants the ball back, which is exactly what happened. And hey, what do you know the Bengals lost. Mo tried to convince me that it was Palmer's fault that the ball was not spiked, but I know it was Marvin, Palmer has a head set in his helmet and was told to get up to the line and run a play.

Special teams was again pitiful. They again gave up at least to big returns to give the Giants good field position. One was a punt return and the other was a kick return. It is amazing week after week there are just some things that you can count on from this team; bad play clock management, horrible special teams coverage, Palmer not having enough time to throw, and the opposing quarterback having all day to throw.

Pet peeves and annoyances.

They are not the New York Giants, or the New York Jets for that matter. They play in New Jersey. If I am New Jersey I am pissed, just like Kentucky should be pissed that we call it the Cincinnati airport, it is in Kentucky! lets face it New Jersey does not have much to be proud of, but they have two football teams that call their state home and they cannot even claim them. New York is like and older brother that threatens to beat up New Jersey if it tells anyone that they play there. Yet another reason I hate New York, damn bullies. I am waiting for the day that New Jersey just doesn't exist anymore, New York just quietly takes them over and no one notices or cares. Too bad we can't do that to Canada.

I know I said something about this before, but can we please get some "analysts" that know anything about the Bengals? Listening to the broadcast again this week was painful, they were ripping the Bengals for most of the game and even when the Bengals looked like they might actually win they sounded so uninspired and almost defeated when talking about the possibility. It was like they were rooting for the Giants. Couple that with the fact that they called everyone on the team Chad. "Chad Perry caring the ball for a 3 yard gain," "Chad Palmer drops back to pass," swear to god that happened twice.

Why do the Bengals insist on doing a quick snap and kneeling when the defense is offsides? I know that it works for the most part, but it is a free play, even if they turn the ball over they would get it back because of the penalty. Why not take a shot and run the play and see what happens? I mention this because it almost did cause a fumble and there was no flag. The defense was clearly offsides and Ghiaciuc snapped the ball to Palmer quickly and Palmer was not even there, he was busy changing the play, probably because he saw the blitz coming. There was no flag and luckily Palmer was able to recover the ball, but that is exactly why they need to just run the play and not worry about the offsides.

Why was David Jones covering Plaxico Burriss for half the game? I know Jonathan Joseph was out, but shouldn't our number one draft pick at corner in Leon Hall be covering their best receiver, one of the best receivers in the league? Not David Jones the wavier wire pick up out of Wingate College. I guess it really didn't matter too much since the Giants did not exploit it that much, but I found that to be odd and had potential to be dangerous, the Bengals were playing with fire for sure.

While the offense looked better, still they need to remember how to score a touchdown in the red zone. Twice had a chance in the red zone and had to settle for field goals, can't leave points on the field against the defending Super Bowl champions.

Third and twenty five and they run a draw, enough said there.

Game Disappointments.

Levi Jones. He gave up three sacks and had a false start penalty on third down. In 2005 this guy was a pro bowl alternate, he was a first round draft choice, he is covering Carson's blind side. I sure hope Collins is ready to go soon because I can not take much more of Levi's bullshit.

Chad Johnson. Still not getting separation and still not catching the ball. Thrown to 4 times and had one catch, unacceptable. The worst part is that he is going to start to blame coaches and Palmer for his lack of effort and will probably blow up what little team chemistry this team has.

Marvin Lewis, see above. I will stand by if he manages 4 wins he will save his job. I don't know why, but he will. If he goes 0-8 he might get fired....might. But it would take him only winning 3 games before Mike would consider firing him. Keep in mind that Mike would have to eat money on Marvin's contract if he fired him and we all know how Mike is with money.

Game Balls.

Chris Perry. Or Chad Perry depending on who you believe. The second half was tough, blocking got worse as the game went on, conditioning issue? Plus the Bengals were forced to throw the ball more often. But in the first half Chris Perry made me believe finally that he might not have been a total waste of a pick. he ran to the hole, he made cuts, he scampered for a 20+ yard run and a touchdown.

Domato Pecko. Looked good and strong. Got penetration against the run and seemed to always be around the ball. Plus Dan Deirdorf had some sort of man crush on his hair.

Antonio Chapman. Finally emerging as a good number three receiver and decent punt returner, nothing like getting value out of an investment made three years ago. Funny I said number three receiver, Palmer threw to him more than Chad and he caught every ball thrown his way. Six receptions for 70 yards. Chad had a total of 3 for less than 30.

T.J. Houshmanzadeh. Twelve catches for 146 and a touchdown. Finally Palmer has his go-to-guy back. That and I saw him make a monster block earlier in the game.

Carson Palmer. 69% completion percentage, no interceptions, first touchdown of the year, 286 yards and a 98.9 passer rating. And he led them down field with under 3 minutes to play and other than the play clock blunder had them in position to win. Finally a Carson Palmer like game.

Quote of the game.

"Fly fat ass fly"

That was Me in reference to Brandon Jacobs sudo jump at the goal line to score the touchdown. I think the Bengals were just as surprised as I was since they did not stack anyone over the top to stop him.

Anymore when I watch this team, even of days that they do play acceptable football, like this past Sunday they will find a way to lose. Maybe this bodes well for the 0-16 dream, but that is what you get with Marvin Lewis at the helm.

Side Note.

Poor Tony. While my friend did close on a house on Friday, which is a joyous event and I am very happy for him. He, however, lost several other more important things. One; I beat him in the semi-finals in our keeper baseball fantasy league and moved on to defend my title as lord and ruler of fantasy baseball. Two; I beat him in our fantasy football keeper league to move to 3-0. Lastly; I got to watch the Dolphins, lead by none other than Chad Pennington, beat his beloved Patriots, led by his latest boyfriend Matt Castle. This is really funny because a week ago I tried to explain to him that Matt Castle was nothing and that I would rather have Chad Pennington with a bad, neh, non-existent shoulder leading my team. Chad has played in the NFL, started in the NFL and in the same division. He knows defenses, can make reads, and most importantly he can still hand off to Ronnie Brown!

Douche bag of the week.

2008-09-20T17:05:00.003-04:00

Hello all faithful readers, all two of you! Starting a new weekly update, douche bag of the week. Judging by all the douche-baggery that goes on in this world I suspect that it will be a rather easy piece of writing.

The nominees this week are; DeSaun Jackson, Ed Hochuli, and Josh Howard. One is a moron rookie receiver that has not quite learned the art of the end zone celebration. I mean don't you have to score BEFORE you celebrate? The funny part is that this guy is a repeat offender, here and here. You would have thought that he would have learned his lesson the first time. This guy is a rookie, I am sure he will make it back to my D-bag of the week column, he just can't help himself. I look forward to this guy doing more stupid shit!

The second is a referee that cost a division rival a game because of a bad call. Isn't that what instant reply is for? I know it is part the game, but Ref's should never decide the outcome of a game. And not only did he decide the outcome of the game, but it was a very important division rival and might have playoff implications. What happens if the Chargers don't make the playoffs because of their division record? Tim Donaghy is calling he wants to know if you want to hang out and start a casino or something?

And last but not least, is one of many spoiled NBA stars that makes too much money to put a ball in a hoop. He is also the clear cut winner this week. Again a repeat offender, in the sense that this guy can't keep his mouth shut and just has to say something more stupid time after time. But the latest garbage to come out of this mans mouth is really outstanding.
"The Star Spangled Banner’s going on right now and I don’t celebrate that (expletive). I’m black."
Seriously? That is freaking ridiculous. You have got to be a serious bag of douche if you bad mouth the national anthem of the country the over pays you to play a sport. He is black and I am white and he will make more money than I can ever dream of. There are soldiers that defend the right for this moron to say stupid shit like that with their lives. So I guess that allows him to say it, but it makes me sad and angry that he lives such a spoiled life and demands to be such a douche bag.

Congratulations to Josh Howard the weed smoking loud mouth, he is this weeks easy winner of douche bag of the week. Some one had to pick up where Alan Iverson left off.

Garbage update

2008-09-19T13:33:00.002-04:00

We suffered another minor defeat this past Thursday with out garbage men. There were several random pieces of wood and toe strip from the house renovation. I would say that it is too heavy, but Carson and Housh (dogs) managed to drag pieces all over the yard, so can it really be that bad?

The worst part is that I think our garbage men have an new ally in the war, the city of Sharonville. We used to have all this wood piled against the house to use for fires at night in the spring and fall, but last week we got a letter from Sharonville saying we were in violation of some obscure code written 200 years ago and buried in the City ordinance.

It is my assumption that the some one at Rumpke tripped over my blog and was looking for anything that they could exact their revenge on me. They found this law, after what I imagine to be countless hours of reading, just to spite me. Then they anonymously tipped the city of Sharonville, who would be more than happy to fine my ass to this violation and now they are in cahoots.

So the war wages on Hitler(Rumpke) and Tojo(city of Sharonville) vs. Eisenhower(Jesy) and Patton(me). A showdown of epic proportions. By the way, all the wood is still out there by the curb, and it will remain there for at least a week. After said week I will be delivering it to Rumpke myself. i will just take it there and leave it by their sign on 27.

Take that Rumpke.

I was very excited that I could use the word cahoots in the blog post!

Fun fact.

2008-09-17T13:14:00.004-04:00

I was filling my break at work with some research and came across a fascinating article. On Espn's page 2, Thomas Neuman wrote an article on the rankings of the 32 NFL teams since the 1970 merger of the AFL and the NFL.

The only part of their "scoring system" that I do not like is the crushing defeats. Unless it is losing a key player in a key moment, like when the Bengals lost Palmer in their lone playoff appearance in 20 years, then it should not count. Of course there are plenty of those, but I don't think "The Drive," really effected Cleveland the next year. What happened with Palmer I think continues to effect this franchise, among many other things, but we have not been the same since then really.

But the most interesting part was that the Steelers rank number 2. They are the second best franchise in the NFL since 1970. Sadly I can't say that I disagree. Six Super Bowl appearances and five wins. That should say enough, but let's consider that in that time they have had only two coaching changes in that time as well and only one draft bust.

Now the Bengals in comparison are 24th on the list. They have had 8 coaching changes and 4 draft busts. No one had more draft busts than the Bengals and only a couple had more coaching changes. And funny enough, where does all of this point? Mike Brown.

The Steelers have always been owned by the Rooney's and the Bengals have always been run by the Browns. The difference is that The Rooney's, have been able to continue to dominate as it has been past down. When ownership was passed from Paul to Mike upon Paul's passing a giant, dark cloud of idiocy has followed Mike wherever he has gone.

Please God deliver us from this moron of an owner, I don't normally involve God, but where else can I turn? I would like to see a list 20 years from now where from the year 2000 to 2030 where the Bengals were in the top 15? Maybe too much to ask, but I want to be able to wear my Bengals gear in public again sometime soon.

This link was sent to me today, from my friend Tony, and I had to add it. Enjoy!

Quick hit.

2008-09-17T13:14:00.002-04:00

After taking time to digest the shoot out that was the Monday night game between Dallas and Phily, it makes me even more depressed to be a Bengals fan. Both of those teams played with passion and purpose. Both teams wanted to win, and you could see every time the offense took the field. Confidence, swagger, determination; all words that I would never use to describe the Bengals this year. Instead I would use depleted, sullen, and beat down.

There was a time when I counted to 10 and McNabb still had not throw the ball and there was no one around him. His line blocked, and continued to block until the whistle was blown. I think the Bengals line, when it does block, will do it for 3-4 seconds at most and then figures that Carson should have gotten rid of the ball by now and quits. Couple that with the fact that our receivers are wearing defenders like a blanket in the middle of winter and well, you have a recipe for disaster. And it is not like Dallas' defense is a joke, that is a decent defense.

By the way, we get to play both of those teams. Oh and to scare you a little more, we get to play the defending Super Bowl champions on Sunday. This is a team that doesn't look to have lost a step even though they lost their two best defenders from last year in Micheal Strahan and Osi Umenyiora. They just finished with the dismantling of St. Louis last week to the tune of, 41-13. Of course St. Louis might be one of only about three teams that are worse than the Bengals, but I can not imagine we will score 13 against that defense. I mean after two games we have ONE offensive touchdown. ONE.

So to all those drinking the kool-aid out there, and there can't be more than 7 of you left, we will not win on Sunday. We might not win all year.

I wish I could start a poll on my blog, my question would be: How long till Marvin is fired. If the team is 0-8 I think there is a good chance that he is gone, but not before that. Mike has had this guys back, even after his first losing season last year. If the team manages to squeak out 4 wins, Marvin might have saved his job. I would HOPE not, but we are dealing with Mike Brown. But less than 4 and I think he is gone, and if he goes 0-16 he is definitely out, of course that is if he makes it past 0-8 which is where I think Mike draws the line.

And let me be the first to say, Peace out Marvin.

Lack of focus....

2008-09-15T08:27:00.003-04:00

Today's blog will have a theme. In celebration of the Bengals running their record to an impressive 0-2 we will talk about the lack of focus on this team. I mean it is disgusting to watch this team make the mistakes they do, these guys are professionals? We pay them millions of dollars to not pay attention for a couple hours?

So again the game was brought to you in HD, or high doody. Looking back I find this funny since the theme this week is the lack of focus. As I was watching the game I was squinting the entire time trying to figure out who was on the field. I am afraid that I will have to start watching my TV from 3 blocks away using a telescope just to see it clearly. Also just a note for all you cable users out there, you do have one advantage over us satellite users. Every time my power would kick out of course so would satellite and it would take it forever for it to find the the correct coordinates and come back online. Are you serious? It is not like I am trying to get coordinates for a missile strike on Canada or anything, I just want to watch TV damnit.

I am not going to delve too deep into the game itself for a couple reasons. One; it is sad and depressing and I don't want my readers to have to turn to Paxcil or Prozac to get through my blogs. Two; I cant talk to in depth about a game that I hardly saw. I mean I saw enough, but due to Hurricane Ike my power kept blinking out and after about two and a half quarters we officially lost all power at the house. I joked with my wife that it was a sign of the Apocalypse and she actually start to freak out a little bit!

Game Notes

After the first series, of which the Bengals went 3 and out, as usual this year. The boo's birds were out loud and proud. Hell the only part of that game that was truly in HD might have been the boo's, it was so loud that I you could have walked two blocks up the street and heard the boo's.

Thank god the Titans could not stay on sides, that was the only way the Bengals could move the ball down field. Five penalties for 25 yards on Tennessee, at least four of those were offsides and they tended to give the Bengals a first down each time. Of course, the Bengals had five penalties for 35 yards, hmmmmm, lack of focus maybe? They did manage to avoid at least one delay of game penalty though by burning a time out because no one for the Bengals knows how to read a play clock still. You would think that after I mentioned this last week that one of them would have read this and learned how to tell time! Again this points to lack of focus and Marvin's magical play clock plundering. Seriously this has been going on for years now. Then, as time is expiring, in the first half and Palmer is literally hobbling to the line to get a play off they do not use a timeout. Instead we all had to watch Palmer painfully get to the line and call an audible and then watch as time expired and the Bengals did not score and had a timeout that they could have used. Maybe Marvin was surprised that they had a timeout left, normally they have to use them all in the first few series to keep from the play clock expiring. Or maybe they had all the confidence that Dede Dorsey could scramble and dance his way for 40+ plus yard to the end zone. Seriously? This isn't dancing with the stars and he is no Jason Taylor! So a quick recap, They use time outs when they shouldn't have to and don't use timeouts when they need to. That point to Marvin and his .......oh yeah lack of focus.

Also to point to the lack of focus theme, did the defense not look pretty good for the first two series? But then all the sudden they gave up a huge play and then realized that again this week the offense was not going to help them and just kind of gave up. Lack of focus and the coach has lost the team.

Don't forget special teams. Every game the Bengals will, like clockwork, give up either a huge return off a punt or kick off or both. Can we have some consistent coverage please?!

I mean lets face it, Mrs Garrett ran a tighter ship at Eastland school. I want to hear Marvin on the side lines screaming "Girls, girls, girlssssss" every time they screw something up!

Pet peeve. This has also been a theme for several years 3rd and 13 we throw the ball 10 yards. 3rd and 10 we will throw it 8 yards. 3rd and 3 we will run a draw. I don't work for NASA, but if it is 3rd and 10 isn't it a good idea to get all 10 of those yards? This isn't Euchre, you can't count on your partner for one trick, or in this case count on your receiver for two extra yards. Especially this year it seems like out receivers are getting no separation at all, good thing they showed up for those voluntary camps, oh wait they didn't, hmmmmm interesting.

Random Quote

"No player from the Bengal's Defense has ever been to the pro-bowl" That was Don Cricky, who just randomly blurted that out in the middle of the game. I swear it was not referencing anything, nor did either of them elaborate on the comment. It was like he was on a first date and was just saying anything to keep conversation going. The 'ol "saying anything is better than awkward silence," routine. I know the Bengals suck and no one wants to cover them, but can we get some people in there that shows a little bit of intelligence about the team and might care just a little bit? Maybe not though, Marvin and Mike, or M&M as I will call them, don't care, why should the networks?

Game balls

Again it was a tough call this week. Very tough to say anything nice about the game I kind of got to watch. Chris Perry. The "kid" ran with purpose and give him a line that would block and he might be even better. It is very refreshing to see a running back that can cut and hit holes running. Antwan Odom. He was getting pressure on Collins when he was blocked by one person. The more I see him play and the healthier he gets the better he looks. Ben Utech. I know some of you may find this pick as a surprise since he got hurt on the first play of the game, but that is exactly why I picked him. Because of getting hurt, he did not have to participate in this massacre. But the best player of the field for the Bengals was the Titans defensive line that kept jumping off sides. My only guess is that they all had Mexican for dinner the night before, because they had seven sacks against a better team last week, they could have got to Palmer if they were sleep walking.

Judging by the Mo Meter this game had to have been pretty horrible, my phone was blowing up all day.

Another week, another loss, but they are keeping the dream of 0-16 alive. Godspeed Bengals, it will be a tough quest, but please don't let me down. Your special combination of a terrible owner, an inept coach, and uninspired players has me believing now, more than ever, that the dream could become a reality. The pieces are there.

Epic Battle.

2008-09-11T13:16:00.003-04:00

Like Kramer and the cable guy, Jesy and I also have a rival that we battle with almost on a weekly basis. RUMPKE. We have been in our house for over three years and have had many a battle with Rumpke, some we have won some they have won, but the latest battle has gone as a victory for Rumpke.

Victories for us

In re-doing the basement there was obviously allot of garbage that we had to throw out. There was dry wall and brackets and busted wood, all of which is common in home renovation projects. The problem is that when were were throwing away said materials it never occurred to me that even though I could lift the garbage up my stairs and out to my curb, that the garbage men could not lift it from the curb into their truck two feet away. I had no idea Estelle Getty and Betty White were our garbage collectors! The best part was when Jesy went out and chased them down the street carrying the garbage bag that they "could not lift." I know that screams hillbilly, chasing down the garbage men and all, but seriously, they can't lift something that my wife can?! The end result was that we called Rumpke and it was picked up the next day. George and Jesy win.

Next on the list of victories was the carpet scandal. Again dealing with the basement, we were finishing the project with new carpet. Going from carpet that looked like the color of bloody stool, to a nice almost beige color that hides the hair from my crazy dog. In making the switch we made sure that the installers cut up the old carpet and padding into small sections and roll it tight to make sure that our finicky garbage men would actually take it. It literally sat out on the curb for three weeks before Rumpke finally took it. It was a typical stand off, much like the fabled O.K. Corral, it was just a matter of who blinked first and they did. In all seriousness though there was no reason that they should not have taken it. The only thing I can think of is the day they came it rained and I don't think they wanted to take the time to load it in the rain!

The goose body. After our former shed almost blew away in the high wind storm of '07, we had to tear down what was left. Part of the shed decor was two cement geese that "guarded" it, but not from high winds apparently. In any case we took an ax to them and broke them up the best we could and scattered them between two different garbage cans, again knowing the extreme wussiness of our garbage men. On garbage day we noticed that one of the cans was not touched. WTF? I go out and look and it is the can that had a little bit larger of a piece of the goose in it, the whole body. So I had to dump out the garbage and pull the body out and then put all the garbage back in to separate the two. The next week they took the garbage, but not the body. For two weeks that body stayed out there until Rumpke finally broke down and hefted that 40 pound body into their truck. Again George and Jesy win.

The Loss

You will notice that loss was singular, because while it took a while, we have won every battle.....until today. It truly is a sad day. It is was like when Aaron Boone hit that damn home run for the Yankees. We thought we could never lose, we were untouchable, but today were were dealt a crushing blow. We have two "outside" garbage cans that I normally take down and the moron twins will just empty them and then haphazardly throw them where ever they like. Sometimes I wonder if it is not some weird game they play, find your garbage can down the street. In any case this week I took down the "inside" garbage can I keep in the laundry room. It was filled to the brim and I did not want to hassle with dumping it all in a bag, it might not have all fit anyway. So I figured that I would just take it out to the curb as well, the only challenge might be to find it three blocks away. Neh, instead the took it. That's right they loaded the whole freaking can into their truck. They can't take a 40 pound goose body, but they can justify taking a whole garbage can. Personally I think it was revenge. I think they felt that they needed a "W" and made it happen.

Touche garbage men, touche.

And the war continues.

For the game....

2008-09-11T09:30:00.004-04:00

It may be early in the season, but after last season and week ones debacle, it is time to have an affair. I will be dawning a Peyton Manning jersey on Sunday, which I normally reserve for Bengals bye weeks only. However, I want to wear 'ol Manning during the Bengals game this week just to see how it feels. Will it be awkward, will I feel guilty, will it, in some weird reverse psychology, make the Bengals try harder to get my love back? My prediction for answers are no, maybe and hell no. If this team can't rise up to protect their quarterback, they damn sure don't give a damn about me. If the owner seems fit to take back a guy that has more career arrests, Chris Henry, than touchdowns then defiantly not.

And don't worry all, my man crush on Palmer stands, but it is time to see other people. I need to feel that excitement that only a WINNING team and SUCCESSFUL franchise can bring. I need to know that the owner is not a complete moron and had the fans in mind. Bill Polian, the current President of the Colts, might be one of the best NFL presidents ever, he has success wherever he goes. I love listening to this guy during the scouting combine, he is smart, genuine and you can tell he knows what he is doing. Every team deserves a guy like that, instead we get the bastard child of the great Paul Brown. You know he is in heaven wishing he had a baby girl.

Please know that I am not giving up on the Bengals, that is very important to note. I am just going to root for another some what local team that has their shit together to see what it would be like. It is like a science experiment.

Side note.....

The world needs to know that in one case, maybe the only one ever documented, I was right and my brother was wrong. I have always been a Peyton Manning fan ever since he was at Tennessee, had HORRIBLE acne, and his forehead seemed even bigger than it is now. My brother however, always like Eli. Maybe it was because C.J., like Eli is the younger brother and so they shared a bond, who really knows. But while Eli was in college C.J. tried to tell me that Eli was going to be the better quarterback, I laughed and scoughed at this, but he stood firm. Did I just say stood firm? Gross. Anyway, I wanted to bring up this little tale because I have decided to rub in the fact that I am right and he is clearly wrong on this debate, I am going to buy him an Eli Manning jersey for Christmas this year. What I can not decide is to get him an 'Ol Miss jersey, or a Giants jersey. I am leaning towards a Giants jersey because I think he hates the Giants more, therefor funnier for me!

Please faithful readers help me make this very important decision!

Normal to crazy in 2.5 seconds!

2008-09-08T23:17:00.005-04:00

So, as I stated in an earlier post Jesy was sooo excited about "Tropic Thunder" that she had to see it again. So tonight was the night. It was to be a normal low key Herron night, with Rick tagging along since his birthday was sometime this month, but I have been sworn to secrecy as to when exactly.

The night started off with Rick and I doing what we do, we messed with Jesy. We made her think that Rick forgot and that he had not picked me up and that I was going to be late for the movie. to her credit after the third call as she was pulling into the theatre she did notice Rick's truck. Surprising coming from the same girl that had no idea that we were throwing her a surprise party with all her friends and family's car outside of the house she parked at!

Any who, we watch the movie and as funny as it was the first time, it was a little better the second time. Kudos still to Tom Cruise and Robert Downey Jr. Jesy again laughed a few times at decibels that only dolphins could hear or understand, and Rick seemed to really enjoy it.

The real excitement did not start until after the movie, however. As we were doing the typical outside the theatre and dissecting the movie we got to witness an amazing event. We saw a semi truck try to take a turn it had no business making and it took out a stop sign and a huge light pole.

Of course like 3 year olds Rick and I were watching and and jumping up and down like we either had to go to the bathroom or were really excited. Meanwhile Jesy was on the horn to the 5-0. While this was going on the trucker, who might have been drunk, high, or a rookie was backing up and trying again and again. He might have tried this like four times. I give an A for effort and a F- for execution. At one point had he actually kept going he was about to take out yet another light. I can't speak for Rick, but at this point I did pee myself in anticipation! The trucker was now out of the vehicle checking the damage, noticing I am sure that he had mangled a stop sign and taken out a light pole, but that was not going to stop this persistent bastard. He decided to give it another couple tries and then decided to "sneak" out a different way. Little did he know that Jesy was on the phone with the single dumbest dispatcher ever as he drove right past us.

Being the responsible citizens we were, we waited for the police to show up and Jesy filled out her report. We had fun making fun of the dumbass dispatcher with the cop and harassing Jesy some more while she was trying to fill out the report. We of course took pictures with Jesy's cell phone and as we were walking back to the car we were all staring at each other thinking the same thing....lets go see if they got that hit and run biotch!

So of course we all pile in our cars and head up 75 to see if they got him. There is of course no rhyme or reason for it, we were just geeked up like we were 5 and had never seen cops pull some one over before. Starting at Union Centre we had travelled past 129 and had not seen anything yet and was preparing for a major let down. We decided to go to Monroe and if we did not see anything to call it a night. As we were approaching the truck stop we saw the flashing lights and there was an explosion of yelling and laughter like we thought that trucker could hear us or something! "GOTCHA BITCH!"

What a funny night!

Train Wreck.

2008-09-08T08:12:00.004-04:00

What do a rookie head coach, a rookie quarterback, and a rookie running back all have in common? Together they can beat the crap out of the Bengals. When this game started I was thinking....well it will be good to start the year off with a win, because it might be a long year. Little did I know that the Bengals were really as bad as I thought they were after pre-season. The two things that really stick out in my mind before the season started was; Carson Palmer saying that he was not worried about the offense, and Geoff Hobson proclaiming that this team had a chance to win the division. Both laughable. I of course took notes through out the game for the purpose of this blog. It was a nightmare to go through all the random thoughts and make them coherent enough for people to read it, but here it goes.

Lets start with the pregame. I turn on my 50 inch plasma to find that the game is only on the local channel 12. Great I have 9000 channels and 1000 of them are HD and I can't get the Bengals game in HD. I literally flipped though every channel to try and find it, nothing. So after settling for the local and the game is about to start it tells me, "Game brought to you in HD." FREAKING SWEET! However, 3 minutes into the game it is clear that either they lied, or they discovered HD lower than 480i. It was horrible, so horrible in fact, that my friend Rick was quoted as calling this HD, "high doody."

Now on to the atrocity, or game itself. Since I split my note paper in two parts, one for offense and one for defense, that is how I will attack this post. Lets start with the offense, which was offensive. I am talking the stink that 7 day old Chinese food that is laying out over a 1 month old dead body of a guy that crapped himself before he died stink. I am not going to get into the box score details, that would be boring, and depressing. instead I will look at some points of interest that I saw. In the first half I saw good field position squandered at least three times. Our first drive we got the ball in field goal territory and were sacked twice and we had to punt.

Speaking of sacked twice, good thing we let Willie go, that offensive line never looked better huh? That was one of the more disgusting performances from an offensive line that I have ever seen. They look out of sync, slow, lethargic, and apathetic. I mean their quarterback was getting beat worse than a red headed step child, I guess that broken nose didn't mean anything to those guys.

Past that it was like their defense was in our huddle, I guess Bratkowski is the most predictable play caller in the NFL. Again I have to harp on the coaching. Never has a team had this much talent and done so little. Not one offensive touchdown on Sunday. I know that Baltimore's defense is good, but they are old and nicked up, we should have been able to score at least twice and especially with working on a short field in the first half.

Play clock management was horrible again. I know they got at least two delay of game penalties and had to burn two timeouts for no real reason other than not having enough time to snap the ball. I know those are not game changing events, but it points to a bigger issue. There is a lack of focus, there is a lack of urgency, and I don't understand that coming from a team that has looked that bad offensively since last year.

With an offense struggling you go for it on 4th and 1 and forth and 2? Really? I would elaborate on this more, but why? Mo's daughter was over at our house watching the game and I think that she understood that it was an idiot call. I think that my dogs were confused by those calls.

Telling signs.....

The look on Carson and T.J.'s faces. They were very different looks, but both summed up the entire game and what might be the season as well. Carson's face after the defense caused a turn over was, damn, I have to go out there and get the shit kicked out of me again? I have never seen Carson look so depressed to take the field, and the funniest part is that he is going to take all of the blame for how bad they were offensively today, I guarantee it. T.J.'s face was straight anger, I mean PISSED. Like if he was Chris Henry I would have been afraid that he would have shot someone. The look on T.J.'s face made me scared, I was worried that he was going to punch me through the TV.

Offensive quote of the night.....

"Look at them run around like they were invited!"

That was my wife talking about the Raven's defense killing the Bengals offense.

Now a look at the defense, which is only slightly less depressing. Top be honest, they first half they looked pretty good, with only a few exceptions. But as the game wore on and they were on the field for what seemed like forever, they got tired, and lazy, and apathetic.

Here is what really stuck out to me though, bad tackling again. We saw it in pre-season and we saw it again yesterday. This has been an epidemic for a few years now, and again it has to go back to coaching. These guys are being coached to tackle incorrectly.

Where was that pass rush that Zimmer talked about all pre-season? Honestly I thought that I was watching a defense run by Chuck Bresnahan....again. It was like that nightmare that you wake up from, but when you fall back asleep it is there waiting for you. I don't know how hard it is for coached to see that if you rattle a quarterback then you can dominate defensively. I mean was Mike just not paying attention when the Ravens were doing that to us? The worst part is that they had a rookie quarterback, how much easier to rattle that guy than say Peyton Manning. but in typical Bengal fashion we made Capt. Uni brow, or Joe Flacco look like an all pro. For other evidence of this see Shawn King, and Bruce Gratkowski.

Of course the two times the Bengals did decide to blitz it was with 5 guys and the corners were playing 20 yards off the receivers so it was an easy completion. Who the hell is coaching these guys?

But, the defense did score our only touchdown, which prompted Mo to say, "the defense is better offensively that the offense." A little confusing I know, but I am used to it since I have lived next door to Mo for three years. I am fluent in "Moeese."

Side note, Dexter Jackson is likes to fight guy. I saw him get in a fight at training camp with his own team. Then I saw him yesterday trying to pick a fight with any and all the Ravens that he could. I like the fire and passion, but he is going to get himself killed.

Looking ahead, Dallas has the chance to post 700 yards on the Bengals!

Defensive quote of the day.....

"The Bengals defense just got out run by a guy that runs a 6.7 40!"

That was Jesy's cousin Kat talking about Joe Flacco scrambling, and I use the term scrambling lightly since he never really scrambled, for a touchdown.

The good.....

I really struggled to find anything good to say about this game. But, if I had to give out a game ball out it would have to be Jonathan Joseph. He made tackles, returned a fumble for our only touchdown, possibly the only Bengals player all day that looked like he knew what he was doing. Also I would like to say kudos to Coors. I love those commercials and they did not disappoint with their latest one with Brian Billeck. Just saw that while watching the game and it was funny as hell. Not as good as the Dennis Green one, but I would put it second.

Prediction/hope.

I know it may be too early for this, but after watching my team lose, and lose BAD to a team with a rookie head coach, rookie running back and rookie quarterback, I am pretty confident that this team can do what I have been dreaming about for quite a while.....go 0-16. Don't be confused, I don't want that to happen, I just think it is a distinct possibility. I am torn between wanting a team to go 0-16 and that team being my Bengals. If nothing else we have a solid look at a top 5 pick in next years draft! Sad that it is just like the 90's again when after the first game we start looking forward to the draft. Ouch. Welcome back Bungals.

Movie Review; Tropc Thunder.

2008-09-06T08:45:00.004-04:00

Went to the movies last night with the wife and to my surprise she did not mind seeing Tropic Thunder. I will admit that I only went to see this on the recommendation of my brother. I find Ben Stiller very unfunny normally, and the premise of the movie sounded too close to "The Three Amigos." However, my brother and his girlfriend raved about it, so I thought I would give it a try.

Let me start off with the previews, they had a commercial with the Gieco cavemen. Who agrees with me, those guys need to go away....forever. I mean seriously? Did they not realize how insipid and un-humerous they were when they tried to make the T.V. show about them that flat lined faster Bobby Petrino's NFL career. Next they showed something that interested me greatly, a movie that was obviously spoofing that one-sided idiot Micheal Moore, "An American Carol." Of course it is going to be over the top, and Kevin Farley isn't as funny as his brother's shadow, but any movie that make Micheal Moore look like the jackass he is I will support!

Now the movie. The story was as ridiculous as you would think, but it was not so awful that I would want to leave. Ben Stiller was the worst part of the movie, but as I said I have a bias. I will say that this was not his worst performance, however. Jack Black was alright and portrayal of a character jonesin' for a fix was pretty funny, and of course it just escalated throughout the film. I still feel that Jack Black was at his best in "High Fidelity." he needs to find a way to get back to that edgy, pompous humor that I love.

My game balls, however, go to Robert Downey Jr. and Tom Cruise. Kudos to Robert for his HUGE comeback. "Ironman" was great and he was perfect for a white guy acting like a black guy. The stereotypes he hits on are hilarious and his refusal to come out of character even after it is clear that the movie is over is freaking hysterical. We all knew Tom Cruise was funny, just not in an intentional way! He was super funny in this, it almost made me forget that he is really a giant weirdo.

Overall a good watch and worth seeing in the theatre if you wants some good laughs. My wife will tell you that it is one of the funniest movies that she has ever seen, she wanted to go see it again tonight! The last movie I saw her laugh this hard at was "Talladega Nights." Personally I would put it maybe in my top 25 funny movies of all time.

Line of the movie, "You never go full retard."

I give it 3 1/2 prosthetics out of 5. You will get that joke after you see the movie.