Good Eats

Yesterday marked three years of marital bliss between me and Jess. As usual we decided to spoil ourselves a little and went to one of the Jeff Ruby restaurants. We had already been to The Precinct, and Carlo and Johnny, so this year on the advice of Mo we decided to go to Jeff Ruby's in downtown Cincinnati. It, of course, did not disappoint. As I was thinking about it last night I really wanted to know which was the best, so I started to devise a point system in order to declare a winner. Here are the results.

Atmosphere.

1. The Precinct. The worst of the group, and really not good at all. When we were seated I felt like I was sitting on the lap's of the table next to me. I mean you would have been hard pressed to squeeze Laura Flynn Boyle in between our tables. Very cramped and not as intimate as you would like for an anniversary dinner. If Jess had whispered that she wasn't wearing any underwear, the whole restaurant would have known about it.


2. Jeff Ruby's. More room, but still a little stuffy. After an original seating debacle, which I will get to later, we were placed in a booth that was too large, but we made due. Lighting was good, but it almost seemed to much like a bar with a restaurant built around it.


3. Carol and Johnny. Inside was very spacious and never once did I feel that I was playing footsie with anyone else in the restaurant, well besides my wife of course. The lighting was a little dark, but not so that I could not find my food, as long as I concentrated. Jess and I could have talked about any number of things, like how I planned to kill my dog and I did not have to worry about the people next to us calling animal control.

Winner here was Carlo and Johnny, but Jeff Ruby's was not horrible, a close second. The Precinct was in a VERY distant third here.

The Food.

1. Carlo and Johnny. Not to say there food was bad, it certainly was not, but it was the worst of the three. The steak was outstanding, but I would not say it was better than the other two. The part that I felt that they failed on was the macaroni and cheese as a side dish. The waiter raved about it, if I hadn't known I would have thought it was Macaroni that God himself had made. Well if God did make it then he and Emeril need to have a talk, it tasted more like Mac and cheese with a hint of throw up.


2. Jeff Ruby's. Again food was not bad at all, it was freaking great. The steak was perfect, it was rare, but still warm in the middle, I mean PERFECT. As a side we got the mashed potatoes and they were glorious. They were garlic mashed potatoes, which I didn't remember reading, so it was a pleasant surprise and it was not over bearing at all, just a hint. And to top it off they gave us a HUGE slice of cheese cake for free for our anniversary.


3. The Precinct. Over all it may not have been the best food, but it was the first. Like having sex for the first time, it was probably a disaster and lasted about ten seconds, but you will remember it forever. The first time I put that steak in my mouth it was what I would call an oral orgasm. It was manna. It was like Jesus had blessed the cow that I was eating. To this day I compare every hunk of meat to the one I had that day at The Precinct, and so far nothing even comes close. In my mind it is perfection. Not only that, but the dish was called the "Levi Jones." How cool was it to order a Bengal?! I desperately wanted to order the "Carson Palmer", but the Levi was bigger and god knows my fat ass needed the most! I believe the side was a mashed potato as well, but it was more of a home made that had bit of potato in it still. It was good, but not nearly as good as Jeff Ruby's.

Winner is the Precinct, and probably due to the fact that it was my first. Over all I think the best food was Jeff Ruby's, but the steak was the best at The Precinct, only slightly of course.

Service.

1. Carlo and Johnny. The waiter was a dirty liar. He was the one that talked about the macaroni and cheese like it would cure cancer, and instead it was like choking down a mixture of baby vomit and dog turd. Shame on you waiter. Also I remember my drink glass being empty and having to wait a while before getting a refill. Normally I would not care that much, but if I am paying that kind of money my glass should never be empty, hell for that kind of money, they should just give you an i.v. drip for your drink.


2. The Precinct. Not a bad experience and there were no liars that I remember, but there was nothing that stood out either. It was just a normal restaurant experience with no incidents.


3. Jeff Ruby's. The waiter was phenomenal. He was very personable, very funny and he knew his stuff. At one point I heard him explaining something to another table and he said, "We put butter in the butter and then in the potatoes." Hilarious!

Winner; Jeff Ruby's. it was not even a contest. It was like Ruby's was Tyson and the rest were Spinks. Another side note, these restaurants are definitely geared for men. At every location the host/hostess was a petite little girl and all were super cute and the bartenders were women as well, always dressing nice, but slightly revealing. Something tells me Jeff himself made this a mandate!

Area of Town.

1. The Precinct. Down off Route 50 before you get to downtown, kind of close to the East End Cafe. Not the best part of town and especially at night. I would not like Jess walking around by herself down there. The area is getting better and is building up, but still has a long way to go.


2. Carlo and Johnny. Off Montgomery Rd in Montgomery. Very safe and quite a long driveway makes it seem a little remote and removed, it was nice.


3. Jeff Ruby's. Downtown and not the best location, although it is on the corner which makes valet parking easy. it would be nicer I think if it was a little more downtown, closer to the stadiums, but all in all not bad. I like downtown too, I just wish there was more reason to go down there or stay down there!

Winner; Jeff Ruby's, but it was close with Carlo and Johnny. I like to be able to go downtown and have the big buildings and it is always just a cool experience, now if downtown Cincy was cool, there would be no contest!

Overall.

The moment you have all been waiting for, the undisputed winner, at least until next year when we go to the Waterfront. Scoring a ten and your winner; Jeff Ruby's. The Precinct and Carlo and Johnny both get sevens, although just for the atmosphere I would lean towards Carlo and Johnny. Again I want to note that for the food you can not really go wrong at any place, but for my money I would go back to Jeff Ruby's first.

Bon apetite everyone.