Thursday, January 29, 2009
So, as of today it is official that with the combined efforts of Jesy, Rick, Karen, Pam, Ms. Garcia, Joe and myself, or Team Herron for short. We have defeated the scam artist known as Timothy Oludare, or Greg James in a battle over my laptop.
It all started a week ago when I decided to sell my laptop on craigslist.com in order to fund upgrading my home desktop PC. I have a work issued laptop, so having one of my own did not really make sense.
I posted it and got a hit from Douche bag (Timothy/Greg.) We emailed back and forth a few times and everything seemed legit. he said that he would pay me through PayPal, which was fine since I had used PayPal before.
I received an email from what I thought was PayPal and it told me that the money was sent and PayPal was holding it until they got a tracking number, which seemed totally legit and made sense to me. I shipped it out and got a tracking number and emailed it to PayPal per the instructions.
After 24 hours I had not received a confirmation, nor had I received my money. I was growing concerned and Jesy decided to call her Aunt Karen who does a lot of business with EBay and PayPal. She said that she had never received an email like that and it sounded weird and was very helpful in telling us how to get a hold of PayPal.
We called PayPal and they said that it was a fraudulent email and that they had never sent me or anyone else a communication like that before. At this point I felt like Douche bag had just kicked me in the balls all the way from New York.
**Side note. I am sure anyone reading this knows how much I already hate New York, and this just adds fuel to the fire. Of course this guy was from New York, that in and of itself should have set off every alarm I had. New York is just like a huge congregation of degenerates and assholes who have no consideration for anyone or anything ( Ann Mazuko and Joe Chambers excluded.) New York might be the only place worse than hell. As a matter of fact I am not totally sold on the fact that when you die and if you go to hell that you do not, in fact, go to New York. The Mayor is clearly Satan, I mean where else on Earth do you hear debauchery and not think immediately New York? **
Sorry, back to the story. Jesy was now in go mode. She pushed me out of my computer chair and took over. She was on three computers and two phones and was taking notes and giving me sign language that I did not understand. It was like she was an air traffic controller on crack. It was an amazing symphony of chaos that only she could understand and I just sat back in amazement. By the time she was finished we had a list of like 50 numbers and people to contact first thing this morning to try and get my package back.
Something that I should note. In the circus of phone calls and Internet tracking we did discover that USPS had tried to deliver the package, but that Douche bag was not "home" and that he was to now come pick it up.
**Side note 2. Critical mistake Douche bag, do not leave Team Herron an opening like that. With your laziness/ineptitude you gave us all the window we needed!**
At this point Rick, Jesy and I had done all we could do since it was 9:00 PM on a Wednesday night. Jesy and I dived up the phone numbers and prepared for battle the next morning.
Thursday rolls around and Jesy and I wake up and shower (no not together, the is PG-13, pervs) eat a hearty meal throw on some armor and prepare for our biggest test, dealing with the United States Post Office. If previous experience had taught me anything this was going to be like dealing with a beached whale, or here, just no easy way to go about it. But to my surprise Pam, the consumer affairs officer in Cincinnati and Ms. Garcia at the Bronx post office were not only pleasant, but surprisingly helpful. By simply filling out one form, that Pam helped me with I was able to fax it over to Ms. Garcia and she went and grabbed the package and said it would be on it's way back to us! The confirmation on USPS.com came around noon!
So, should have been suspicious anyway, but lesson learned and will be 100 times more cautious in the future for sure. In closing I would like to share with you an email that I am preparing to send to 'ol Douche bag.
Dear Douche bag,
Do you like laptops?
How do you like NOT having my laptop?
You Douche bag!
Monday, January 26, 2009
Remember when you are a real little kid and 30 is old? I never really felt that way, and tomorrow I am turning 30 and I still do not feel that is old, but I do feel some pressure with turning 30.
Maybe everyone goes through this, maybe this is what the mid life crisis is all about? But, since I am turning 30 tomorrow I find more and more that my life is uneventful. I would not categorize my life as bad, but I want more.
So I was thinking over the last few weeks, what can make my life less boring, less ordinary? So in no particular order I came up with a list, that I am sure would grow if I gave it even more thought.
- A new job. I want to work in sports, just not sure how to get there. I hate my current job and am frequently bored, hence I am writing this blog while at work.
- A new car. In my life I have driven a Buick Skylark, A Pontiac Sunfire, An Oldsmobile Cutlass Supreme, An Chevy Silverado, and currently a Chevy Aveo. It was either the Sunfire or the Truck that was my coolest car to date. I want a car that I can be proud to drive around for once! Currently I am driving the Aveo, it is sad that anywhere I go people stare at my car waiting for the clown brigade to jump out.
- A guys trip to Vegas. In this day and age it is almost a right of passage to have a guys trip to Vegas. You know, one of those trips where you go and have a great time by taking a second mortgage to get a credit line because you are "getting hot" now that you are in the hole $10,000. One of those trips where your single friends meets this incredible woman that is really into him and we all know it is a hooker, but he insists that it isn't until later that night when she charges him $500. One of those trips where said friend kills the hooker and everyone has to find a way to dispose of the body and clean up the mess and it all works out in the end. Well maybe not all that, but I think an extended weekend to Vegas with the guys would be sweet.
- Making a time machine and going back to the treaty of Versailles and giving France to Germany as kind of a consolation prize.
- Giving major league baseball a salary cap.
- Having the money to build my own house. This is an idea that has fascinated me for a long time. I have all kinds of ideas that I want for my dream house and I want to be able to tell an architect what I want and have them draw it up and build it for me.
- Have the motivation to work out. There are days when I feel like Jaba the Hutt and I know that if I was properly motivated and had someone to work out with me that I could resemble a man instead of the gelatinous blob that I have become.
- Be a father. While I am not ready yet, mainly because of reasons on this list and more, I know this is something I want to do and just pray everyday that I am at least decent at it. It isn't like a dog where you can screw up and no one cares, because you know, it is a dog. You want your kid to be a productive member of society and to be the best kid ever, you want them to be better than you.
- Find a Dr. that can cure allergies. I have super allergies and the current medication normally doesn't work. I need a Dr. who can find a cure, not that it is even possible, but this is my list dammit.
- I want to be able to light my dog on fire without hurting him or burning down the house. Watching Carson on fire I think would be hilarious for children of all ages.
I am sure I will be fine without any of these things, but here's to hoping!
Happy 30th me.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
There have been lots of rumblings lately about Hue Jackson coming back to Cincinnati to replace Bob "Couldn't out coach a pee-wee team coach" Bratkowski as the offensive coordinator for the Bengals.
To quote Lex Luthor in Superman Returns, "WRONGGGGGGGGGGGG!"
Let me give you a quick run down of why it can't happen.
- Bob is still under contract. Mike Brown will not pay two men to do a job that only one man is doing. I am sure that Hue is going to command more money than Bob is making now, which means Mike would be paying more than double for at least a year for Hue to come in and run this offense. We all know that would make Mike's head spin.
- Bob is about to coach the senior bowl with Marvin and crew. If there was really a possibility that Bob was on his way out wouldn't it make sense to do it BEFORE a major scouting trip? If Bob is really on the chopping block why would you have him evaluate players and talent at a place where there are a projected 11-15 first rounders? Why have him coaching kids on the basics of an offense that Bob might not be around to implement?
- I hate to say this, but the poor offense this year might not be Bob's fault. Now before anyone grabs torches and pitchforks and heads to my house, hear me out. In 2005 we witnessed one of the greatest offenses in Bengals history and it was with Bob at the helm. Now lets look at what we have lost since then; Rich Brahm, the anchor of that offensive line, Eric Steinbach, an athletic guard that allowed us to pull, Willie Anderson, the only real pro bowl lineman we have had in 10 years, Rudi Johnson, when healthy was a great bell cow that could run inside the tackles as good as anyone, Jermi Johnson, fullback that was able to pick up the blitz and block those linebackers. Also, lets not forget that Levi Jones who was a pro bowl alternate that year is a shell of himself and looks like he is on roller skates on the field. That is allot right? Mike and Marvin (more Mike) are in charge of bringing in personnel to fill those gaps and Stacy Andrews, Dan Coats, Eric Ghuicuc, Chris Perry/Kenny Watson/Kenny Irons have all been pretty bad for whatever reason. Let's say for a second that I was in charge of building a house. Now instead of hiring Bob Villa and crew, my boss decides to hire the cast from "The Hills." Why would he do that you ask, well the cast from "The Hills" look good and are cheaper, exactly the philosophy that Mike Brown subscribes to.
My opinion is that Offensive coordinators are like priests, they should never stay in one place too long. While this might not really be Bob's fault he has become a little predictable and stale and if he will not change his philosophy then perhaps it is time to move on? I would love to see Hue here, I would love to see if he can get some more miles out of Chad and TJ, but for the reasons I listed above it will NOT happen, sorry Bengals fans.
Monday, January 19, 2009
Sorry for the long Hiatus, but I could not get motivated there for a while. Good news is that I am back, at least temporarily! Watching the NFL playoffs this year has been quite bitter sweet, but very motivating.
I say bitter sweet because watching the 2008 Cardinals is like watching the 2005 Bengals. Of course there are small differences, but I did a little digging, and here is what I found on the surface.
Total Yards/Game 4th /6th
Rushing Yards/Game 32nd /11th
Passing Yards/Game 2nd /5th
% Intercepted 9 /9
% Sacked 7 /2
3rd Down Efficiency 11th /3rd
Points/Game 3rd /4th
Field Goal % 8 /6
Opposing Yards/Game 19th /28th
Opposing Rushing/Game 16th /20th
Opposing Pass/Game 22nd /26th
% Intercepted 19 /1
QB Sacks 20th /28th
Opposing First Downs 22nd /27th
3rd Down Efficiency 28th /30th
4th Down Efficiency 31st /16th
If you really look at it it is kind of erie huh? Both teams were offensive juggernauts, that seemed to win games by out scoring the opponent. The only thing that really sticks out is the Bengals actually had a better running game with a healthy Rudi Johnson and Chris Perry, that is way better than the current Edgerin James with a cane and the inexperienced Tim Hightower for the Cardinals. Also the Bengals defense was statistically worse, but they did lead the league in turnovers which kept them afloat. You want more erie? I thought you might!
Palmer - 3,836 yards/32 touchdowns/12 interceptions
Warner - 4,583 yards/30 touchdowns/14 interceptions
Other than Warner having to throw the ball more, because of a non-existent running game, they are almost identical!
C. Johnson - 97 receptions/1432 yards/9 touchdowns
L. Fitzgerald - 96 receptions/1431 yards/12 touchdowns
Housh - 78 receptions/956 yards/7 touchdowns (in only 14 games)
Boldin - 89 receptions/1038 yards/11 touchdowns
WEIRD! Of course there are more touchdowns by the Arizona receivers, but that is because again Rudi was a capable back and Chris Perry was healthy that one year and it made a difference.
What about the individuals on defense you ask? Check this!
Arizona - Bertrand Berry - 5
Cincinnati - Justin Smith - 6
Arizona - Karlos Dansby - 119, 95 solo
Cincinnati - Odell Thurman - 104, 68 solo
Zona - 1044/31/20
Nati - 960/26/18
It is almost scary isn't it? What about the coaches? Both spent time in Pittsburgh under Bill Cowher as assistant coaches. Both went 8-8 in their first season as a head coach of a franchise that was used to losing. The difference comes when Ken Whisenhunt was able to direct his team to the playoffs in his second season, when it took Marvin Lewis three seasons to get there.
Now, the part that aggravates me the most was all the what ifs that I start thinking about when watching the Cardinals. What if Kimo Von Oelhoffen hadn't rolled on Palmer's knee? What if the Bengals played in the NFC, which was a way weaker division that year? What if the Steelers just didn't exist at all?
All just pipe dreams I know, but it allows me the delusion of thinking that 2005 could have been the year for the Bengals, thanks to what the Cardinals are doing today!
So here is to you Arizona, please go out and crush the Steelers, throw 40 points on the board and never let off the gas. Humiliate them on the biggest stage in the world, the Super Bowl, so that this lowly Bengals fan can have something to enjoy this football year, and maybe heals some three year old wounds.