Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Reds year in reveiw.

I was expecting a .500 season from the Reds this year, and they fell a little short. But what was very encouraging was the strong finish in the last month. Normally by this time the Reds would have given up and just not cared, but I think that there are enough guys on this team that are young and hungry so they continued to battle until the end. There were allot of good things that happened this year and some bad, some things to look forward too and some things that need to happen in the off season.

The Good.

  1. Bruce, Votto, Dickerson, Cueto, Volquez. All of these guys are rookies that got in allot of valuable playing time. It is nice to see a group of young talent come up and contribute like they did, and it gives hope for next year. My only fear is what happened with the Braves. They bring up the young talent and they do well that year, but then the next two years show their inexperience and their youth against seasoned pitching.

  2. Getting rid of Griffey and Dunn. Griffey is old and just didn't care anymore. I saw him run harder and give more effort in two games when he was traded to Chicago than he did in the last two seasons here. Dunn is a riddle wrapped in a mystery. He is a lock for 100 runs, 100 rbi and 40 home runs every year. You would think that would be enough to want to keep him in any lineup, oh yeah he walks allot too. But on the flip side he strikes out 200 + times a year, he is horrible with runners in scoring position, his batting average is frequently below the mendoza line, and his defense, if you can call it that, is like watching a fat kid who is right handed play with a left handed glove in quick sand. So, all the positives that he did actually bring were completely negated by his "other half." It really is like Dunn is two different people, part Captain Caveman, part Chunk from "Goonies."

  3. Bronson Arroyo. After a horrible start to the year, he had a great second half to finish the years as the pitcher that I think everyone was expecting to see. After the June 24 batting practice that he gave up to Toronto, giving up 10 earned runs in one inning, he went on kind of a tear going 12-3 to finish off the year. E.R.A. was a little high, but he was an inning eater going 200 innings and had 100 fewer walks than strikeouts.

  4. Brandon Phillips. Another strong year for the second basemen that Cleveland threw away. Some of his stats were down, but still a good year. He was 20/20 and his walks were up and strikeouts were down. His fielding percentage was .990 and he only had seven errors, another gold glove year that I am sure will be overlooked. The only glaring issue was the batting average took a huge hit. He went from .288 down to .261, that is a pretty big drop off. No real protection can be part of the blame, maybe we can fix that in free agency?

The Bad.

  1. Aaron Harang. Every statistical category took a hit this year. His E.R.A jumped a full point from 3.73 to 4.78, he lost 17 games, he only pitched 184 innings, and had as many walks as he did last year in 50 less innings. I know he was hurt for allot of the year, but even when he was healthy he wasn't right. I am just hoping that he can return to form and have years like 2006 and 2007.

  2. The Bullpen. And yes this includes Fransisco Cordero. Lets start with him since he is making the most. Saves were down, E.R.A. was up, walks were up, strikeouts were down, and hits were up. he did finish strong, but was not as consistent as he was last year, and I put him in the bad category because we are paying him 11+ million a year. If I am paying my closer that much I want more for my money. Idea for next year include; Since he is "The Matador," maybe he should come out in the little hat and red cape and do a dance with it after each strikeout, or maybe he can wear a giant Reds sombrero while pitching, I know he is not Mexican, but that would entertain me. Now as far as the rest of the bullpen, they were much worse. In a day in age when pitching wins championships the Reds should start to do their homework. I was looking for official stats to back me up, but I could not find any, needless to say it was horrible, and I am pretty sure it was just as horrible as I think it is.

  3. Defense. Getting rid of Dunn and Griffey will certainly help in the future, but we still have issues defensively. We need to get better at shortstop, third base and first base. Personally, I would love to just get rid of Edwin Encarnacion, more on that later. I like Keppinger, but he is not good with the glove and since Derek Jeter is hard to come by I would prefer to have a stronger defensive presence out there than offensive, i.e. see Dave Concepcion. Didn't they win two World Series with that guy?

  4. Catcher. We have not had a good catcher since maybe Joe Oliver. I know Joe was no Johnny Bench, but he was able to manage a pitching staff, much like Jason Varitek. Jason is way better, but Joe was still pretty good. Again, Johnny Bench is hard to come by, but I do want a catcher that can call a game. We have allot of young pitchers that could use a good veteran catcher to help guide them along, where is Crash Davis when you need him?

  5. Homer Bailey. This kid has been given every opportunity to succeed and he has not been able to run with it. It is starting to look like it may be time to call it quits on this kid and give him a change of scenery, it may be best for both he and the organization. 2008 stats; 0-6 7.93 E.R.A. 18 Strikeouts, 17 walks, 59 hits. Wow.

  6. Homer segways to my next point, the minor league pitching coaches. When was the last time the Reds developed a decent pitcher that they drafted? Tom Browning? He was drafted in 1982 by the way. Homer is a prime example of how our minor league coaches are failing; a kid with all the talent in the world and they can't seem to hone it at all.


  1. Office management, C+. They did get rid of Griffey and Dunn and got more than a bucket of balls in return, they let the rookies play and earn the right to play, they dealt Hamilton and got a prime pitching prospect in Volquez. However, They still have about 8 left handed bats, which is very imbalanced and they have utility players starting full time out of position, i.e. Jerry Hairiston, Ryan Freel, Jeff Keppinger. Corey Patterson, 'nuff said.

  2. Field management, C-. Probably gave too much of a chance to Homer to prove himself, especially since he was struggling in AAA as well. Why was Votto not starting over Hatteberg to start the season? Votto had a great spring and Hatteberg has been nothing but a serviceable first basemen his entire career. Why was Corey Patterson starting in center field? Are you really telling me that at the start of the season that Jay Bruce wasn't better than Corey Patterson? I understand having the veteran on the bench ready to go when Jay is slumping, but it was just a horrible idea to have him start, and for so long.

Some questionable moves and calls, but I have a better feeling than when I had to watch Dunn bat lead off. I think the upper management and Dusty and his crew are pretty stable and this organization needs some stability in order to grow. And now that locker room cancers are gone and well as defensive liabilities, I would like to see what they do this off season, last year proved that if they think that they really need it that they will go out and sign a big contract.

Possible trade?

I like to tinker, I like to see what would make sense. I had this thought about a month ago when I thought that the Ray's could not possibly keep it up, kudos to them they did! But I was thinking that if they were not able to pull off this miraculous turn around could the Reds go to them with Edwin and Bruce, or Edwin and Dickerson for Evan Longoria? it is not longer in the realm of possibility, but I thought it was a win/win. The Reds get that right handed bat they need and a defensive upgrade and the Rays get a speedy outfielder with a little pop and someone to replace Longoria at third.

Also, Pat "The Bat" Burrell is a free agent. his average is not great, but he is a legit power hitter and right handed, and his defense is way better than Dunn's was.

Speaking of....Here are free agents of interest.

  1. Joe Crede Third base

  2. Milton Bradly Outfield (He is crazy though)

  3. Carl Crawford Outfield (Not really affordable?)

  4. Raul Ibanez Outfield (Age factor?)

  5. Scott Podsednik Outfield

  6. Bobby Abreu Outfield (Money factor)

  7. Pat Burrell Outfield

  8. Jon Garland Pitcher

  9. Jason Jennings Pitcher

  10. Will Ohman Relief Pitcher

  11. Mike Timlin Relief Pitcher

  12. Dennys Reyes Relief Pitcher

So, with all that said here is to next year, a famous motto of Reds fans since 1990.

Monday, September 29, 2008

Que the circus music...

Every time I watch the Bengals play all I hear is circus music in the background. It is sad that the title "The Divine Comedy," has already been taken because it would fit an autobiography of the Bengals for the last 25 years. They make me laugh, cry, shout out in terror and anticipation, it really is like I am at a circus or something.

Let me start by saying that I was at the game this week. Much to my dismay I was forced to go with my wife and a friend of her from work. I was not upset at WHO I had to go with, but with the fact that I had to go and personally witness the bludgeoning that I knew would take place. The only good that I could see was that I got to see it live instead of having to squint to see a clear picture on that HD broadcast.

On our way to my wife's friend's(Jennifer) house, a friend that I had met briefly in working with her over three years ago, I was given a warning. "Please try not to use the 'F' word today." Jennifer is a devout catholic and I am the cursing king, this had potential for disaster. So before we got to her house I called Rick and we said the "F" word about 500 times in three minutes and I think I got my fill of it for the day. We arrive at Jennifer and her husband Jason's house after my wife passes by their house not once, but twice. Please keep in mind that she has been there before! I meet Jason, Jennifer's husband for the first time and he is wearing a Chad Johnson jersey, brave man in my opinion. We all climb in to Jason and Jennifer's Highlander and take off for the Bengals beat down. Side note, Highlanders are NICE! very roomy and nice ride, I am now jealous of Jason as his Highlander is much better than my Aveo, surprising I know.

Upon arriving at the game I get the first call from Mo..."Dude, Palmer is out." It was like Mo reached out from the phone and punched me in the stomach. Any hope of winning this game just sank like the Titanic. And in the back of my head the whole game I thought about Richie Brahms knee and how badly they down played it and he was out the whole season. I can see this coming. As we sit down and this news really sinks in Jennifer looks at me and says "You need to say that Jennifer says, they will lose." it was like she was some sort of prophet! Jennifer Mohamed, I like it.

Jason and I started doing some over/unders and here is what we came up with. Over/under for Levi's sack watch was at 2 1/2, over/under for special teams blunders was also at 2 1/2, over/under for Fitzpatrick throwing an interception was at 2. Levi did not cover, but I think that was due more to Fitzpatrick being able to scramble than Levi improving. Levi did at least have one false start again keeping his blunder streak alive. Special teams was close to covering, they gave up a big kick return to start the second half and then later in the game a shitty kick off gave them great field position. Thankfully Ryan Bailed me out and threw three picks! Well done backup QB.

Points of interest.

  1. The Bengals don't feel like they have to play defense until they are inside the 20. That is great that they DO eventually feel urgency, but, and I am no mathematician, but 0 points is better that 3. Why not stop them earlier and force a punt instead of a field goal? They will let a team nickle and dime them to death, but they sure as shit lock it down in the red zone, well that is until they don't care anymore and they know the game is over, i.e see the fought quarter.

  2. David Jones was covering Braylon Edwards. Really? Again with this, did I not just talk about how he was covering Plaxico Burress for over half the game last week? Why was Leon Hall not his shadow for the entire game? I don't care where Braylon was on the field Leon should have been right there with him.

  3. Run, run, pass. Bob Bratkowski is a genius. No one will expect him to be so dumb that he runs the same damn play week after week in the same sequence. By the way let me make this real easy for the rest of the NFL. If T.J. goes in motion and stops behind the tackle, they are running the ball, right there. Christ, I think Radio knew that play was coming.

  4. I hate to keep going there, but how about that play clock management huh? Before the half we burn a timeout, go to no huddle for ONE play and then call another timeout. WTF is that?!? Then in the second half we had used all of our timeouts by 11:06 left in the game. Gee, I hope we won't need those at the end of the game or anything.

  5. The Bengals defense was 2/8, or 25%, for those scoring at home, on stopping the Browns on 3rd and short. Not a good percentage. One of those 3rd and short we had a turn over that was called back because of a penalty, more on that later.

  6. Chad Johnson a.k.a. Chad Ocho Cinco Scored his first, and maybe his only touchdown, of the year, and there was no obscene celebration. I was actually disappointed it might have been the only thing worth watching at that game.

  7. Why is Keith Rivers coming off the field every third down. He is probably the best linebacker we have and he is only play two downs?

  8. Ryan Fitzpatrick is Chad Pennington that can run. I don't think Fitz completed a pass over 10 yards that was to a Bengal receiver. But, hey he sure can scramble!

Play of the game.

Jason pointed out that this might have been the most creative way yet to get a first down. I look at it as two teams being so horrible that they out bad luck each other. Ryan Fitzpatrick, in scrambling for his life, throw another gorgeous interception on 3rd down only to have to Browns fumble it back to the Bengals on the return. One of the most discombobulated plays I have ever witnessed live.

Prophetic moment of the game.

All due respect to Jennifer and her vision of the Bengals losing, I think that everyone was already thinking that. I, however, saw the touchdown that broke the Bengals back coming several play away. When the David Jones managed to pick off a ball on 3rd and short, but it was promptly called back because of a neutral zone infraction and gave the Browns a first down in the process I just knew that the Brows would turn that second chance into a score. Better yet, I knew the Bengals would give up and let the Browns waltz in the end zone. And they did. Bryalon Edwards like three plays later in the end zone stomping all over Bengals fans hearts.

Side Notes.

I was bored enough at one point that I was studying the cheerleader routines. NOT the cheerleaders mind you, my wife is is more attractive and has a way better personality than probably all of them. I noticed that all of their routines were repetition of two or three. I used to wonder how they remembered all that crap, then on Sunday it became pretty clear that if you can count to three you were golden. I am sure it is still complex for some of them.

The flag football game that they had at halftime was a better show than the actual game. There were trick play, great catches, emotion, passion, basically all the things that the Bengals/Browns game lacked!

The row in front of us was playing musical chairs the entire game. The group in front of us and another group 5 rows down and one section over kept switching seats all damn game. I mean it is not like one section was better than the other, I understand that several of these individuals might have needed the exercise, but did they have to keep getting up and down right in front of me?

I found it interesting that people were talking about how Romeo Cernel's job was on the line at the start of this game, but Marvin Lewis was not. Interesting may not be the word, sad and angry may be more appropriate.

The best part of the day was Jennifer proving my point about the West side being the most confusing place on Earth. Jennifer, a west sider for life, tried to tell me that it is not that confusing, but she was not able to get us home taking state route 50. I think even Jason silently agreed with me that the west side was laid out by a drunk city planner. I mean if we would have gone about three more miles on 50 I am sure we would have been in Indiana. us getting home was like the Bengals offense, we were going somewhere and getting nowhere! To Jennifer's credit we did eventually get home, but it was after the vulchers had been circling the car for what seemed like hours.

To all of those that were concerned, curse watch 2008 was not too bad. I think I only dropped the "F" bomb like three times and no one seemed to be too offended. Jason and Jennifer were very cool and seemed to tolerate me quite well, more on them later.

Game Balls.

Again the Bengals made it tough, but I managed to find a few positives about the game.

  1. Chinedum Ndukwe. Interception, blitzing, made tackles. They guy played with fire and heart.

  2. Keith Rivers. On the downs he actually played he was always around the ball.

  3. Jason and Jennifer. For tolerating me and my antics all day, kudos to you guys.

  4. The Highlander. Jason's car rocks and deserves some credit. plus after the getting home confusion it was nice to know that I would die in a nice vehicle as apposed to my Aveo.

  5. The Nachos. They were crisp, and fresh, they were not three weeks old that had been left out in the rain. The cheese had some spice, but not too much that made my throat burn. The only issue I had was that most of the chips looked like they were sat on by the 300 pound cupcake sitting in front of me. Well he was sitting there half the time anyway. Chip crums are not optimal for dipping in cheese. Overall = B-.

After this game I felt like the Bengals were an old dog that you love, but you know what you have to do. You watch every day as that dog that you have come to love over the years, is shitty all over the floor, snapping at relatives, dragging his hind legs through the kitchen. It is sad, but you know it is time to put him down. The Bengals need to be put down, it will not get any better this year and especially if Palmer is out for the rest of the years like many are thinking he will be.

Hello number 1 draft pick. I know it is like looking at puppies before the dog is gone, but it is the only thing that keeps me even slightly positive. Well that and the dream for 0-16 continues. St.Louis, Detroit, and Houston are all still in the running as well, but I am confident that the Bengals who have to play Dallas, Shitsburg and the Brett Farve led Jets coming up, can outlast all of the competition.

Go Bungles!

Thursday, September 25, 2008

All Time Rants.

If anyone knows me I can go on quite a rant when needed, or not needed! If you don't know me, you should I am cool and my rants are generally funny. But in listening to Lance McAllister on 1530 the Homer today, it inspired me to post a blog about some of the all time great rants and or fits of our time. For today marks the 2 year anniversary of Mike Valenti's rant after Michigan State blew a 16 point lead to Notre Dame in the fourth quarter.

So, without further ado here is a list of the top 15 best rants/fits that I could remember.
  1. Bobby Knight - The best of
  2. Dennis Green - Crown their ass
  3. Jim Mora - Playoffs?!
  4. Phill Wellman - Manager loses it
  5. Joe Mikulik - Over reaction
  6. John McLaren - Reaction to Seattle's shitty season
  7. Lou Pinella - Take any
  8. Brett Meyers - Boom outta here
  9. Allen Iverson - What are we talking about, Practice?
  10. Mike Tyson - Dude is crazy
  11. Jim Everet - Tackles Jim Rome
  12. Kevin Borseth - Michigan Basketball Loss
  13. John Cheaney - Threatens a white guy, weird
  14. Mike Gundy - Sticks up for player
  15. Hal McRae - Loses it
My favorite remains Bobby Knight, specifically when he talks about the "game face." I will laugh until I pee myself almost every time I watch it.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008


I am a super hero guy. I read comic books, I watch the Marvel/D.C. movies, and I enjoy most of them. Deadpool is my favorite comic book "hero," but mainstream I am a Batman guy. And for the record, I was a Batman guy long before "The Dark Knight." In any case, my friend Tony suggested that I try watching "Smallville." He has all the seasons on DVD, so I borrowed season one and just finished it yesterday.

Quick Recap

"Smallville," is the account of Clark Kent in high school. What life was like as his powers were developing, friends coming into and out of his life, blah blah blah. It seems like the type of show you would watch after school on the WB. Think "Dawson's Creek," but with super powers.


Issue number one is the before mentioned high school theme. I am close to 30, so it is tough to relate to high schoolers and their world. I think that if my wife would have given it more of a chance she might have liked it. She loves high school shows, such as "Gossip Girl," which is one of her new favorite shows. Incidentally, she just found out that we do not get the channel that carries both "Smallville," and "Gossip Girl," on Dish. She might soon be demanding a switch to Direct TV, we will NEVER go back to Cable TV, take that Time Warner!

Issue number two is the writing for the show. Every episode with the exception of about three were just recycled garbage from the first episode. Some kid in Smallville, normally a weirdo, has an accident involving leftover meteor rocks and now has super powers that only Clark can fight off. I know there needs to be suspended belief for these shows, so, I won't touch the fact that every time something happens Clark is in the middle of it, in a small town....don't these people ask questions, but I said I wouldn't touch it. Predictable, boring, uninspired and dumb. Are they assuming that only morons watch the show and could not comprehend a serious plot twist?

Issue number three is continuity. Watching this show is like watching "Titanic." You know the ship is going to sink, what is the hell is the point? "Smallville" is very similar, Clark's two best friends are never heard of again and his "love" interest is mentioned, but you know he goes to Metropolis and falls for Lois Lane, not Lana Lang. So all the story that they build around these 4 characters are basically irrelevant to the future of Clark/Superman. This is also what I like to refer to as the "Barbara Hambry Effect." 'Ol Barb is an author who has written two Star Wars books, and they are the most godawful crap I have ever read, it is blasphemy. I am a big Star Wars guy, so her books are especially disturbing to me. Her two books develop characters and story lines that are never again mentioned in ANY of the other Star Wars books.

Issue number four is the end of season one. Wow, do they ever hold their fans hostage. I know you tend to build up and leave maybe a little bit of a cliff hanger for the next season, but nothing on this scale. There are at least four different major events that are going on, that get no resolution. I was more pissed than excited about seeing the first episode of season 2. I cannot remember a show in recent memory that has had that much of a cliff hanger from their first season to the next. In "Heroes," there was a cliff hanger or two, but there was also resolution. It built up all season to saving the cheerleader and the city blowing up, and it resolved those two. there was no building, since it was recycled stories about every week, and there was no real resolution.

Issue five, more of a pet peeve really. The Ross/Rachel factor. It is a staple in any show written now a days, you have to have that awkward, will they/won't they, between two of the stars in the show. And because I got so sick of the Rachel/Ross drama, I find myself tuning out any show that starts to build that right away. the worst part is, that it's really irrelevant, as I mentioned before, since we all already know that Clark goes to Metropolis and falls for Lois Lane.

The Good

The best part about the show, and the only compelling story line is that between Lex Luthor and Clark. You know that Superman and Lex Luthor end up being bitter rivals, but in "Smallville," they are best friends, with some slight awkwardness. The other part about this that I find interesting is that in the movies and comics, Lex never knows that Clark and Superman are the same, he just hates Superman. However, in "Smallville," Lex is pressing to see if Clark is indeed blessed with special powers after Clark rescued him from drowning in his car. I might tune in just to see how this plays out. How do they go from Philo and Clyde to Yanks and Sox?
Over all I would give this about a 4 out of 10. Tony keeps telling me that it gets better after the first season, but I am on the fence as to weather or not I want to give it the time to evolve. I might try the second season to say that i gave it a fair shot, but at this point I am not sold.

Monday, September 22, 2008

Re-inventing the loss....

It would seem that every week the Bengals find a new, creative way to lose, but still manage to do all the other little things wrong in the process. Take Sunday's loss as an example, the offense fought and battled hard just to let the defense blow coverages and miss gaps. With less than 3 minutes in the game the offense drives down field again and amazingly does the same thing that they did before halftime last week. They have a timeout available and they could have spiked the ball. Had they done either of those, they would have had enough time to at least run one play and still have time for a field goal. Hell, they could have run their famous draw play and still call the timeout to kick the game tying field goal.

My big issues with all this is, besides the obvious clock management issues I have been harping on is that they had a chance to win the game and instead settled for the field goal and the tie. They play not to lose. In a game where the defense struggled to really stop the Giants, Marvin was content in going into overtime and possibly giving the Giants the ball back, which is exactly what happened. And hey, what do you know the Bengals lost. Mo tried to convince me that it was Palmer's fault that the ball was not spiked, but I know it was Marvin, Palmer has a head set in his helmet and was told to get up to the line and run a play.

Special teams was again pitiful. They again gave up at least to big returns to give the Giants good field position. One was a punt return and the other was a kick return. It is amazing week after week there are just some things that you can count on from this team; bad play clock management, horrible special teams coverage, Palmer not having enough time to throw, and the opposing quarterback having all day to throw.

Pet peeves and annoyances.

They are not the New York Giants, or the New York Jets for that matter. They play in New Jersey. If I am New Jersey I am pissed, just like Kentucky should be pissed that we call it the Cincinnati airport, it is in Kentucky! lets face it New Jersey does not have much to be proud of, but they have two football teams that call their state home and they cannot even claim them. New York is like and older brother that threatens to beat up New Jersey if it tells anyone that they play there. Yet another reason I hate New York, damn bullies. I am waiting for the day that New Jersey just doesn't exist anymore, New York just quietly takes them over and no one notices or cares. Too bad we can't do that to Canada.

I know I said something about this before, but can we please get some "analysts" that know anything about the Bengals? Listening to the broadcast again this week was painful, they were ripping the Bengals for most of the game and even when the Bengals looked like they might actually win they sounded so uninspired and almost defeated when talking about the possibility. It was like they were rooting for the Giants. Couple that with the fact that they called everyone on the team Chad. "Chad Perry caring the ball for a 3 yard gain," "Chad Palmer drops back to pass," swear to god that happened twice.

Why do the Bengals insist on doing a quick snap and kneeling when the defense is offsides? I know that it works for the most part, but it is a free play, even if they turn the ball over they would get it back because of the penalty. Why not take a shot and run the play and see what happens? I mention this because it almost did cause a fumble and there was no flag. The defense was clearly offsides and Ghiaciuc snapped the ball to Palmer quickly and Palmer was not even there, he was busy changing the play, probably because he saw the blitz coming. There was no flag and luckily Palmer was able to recover the ball, but that is exactly why they need to just run the play and not worry about the offsides.

Why was David Jones covering Plaxico Burriss for half the game? I know Jonathan Joseph was out, but shouldn't our number one draft pick at corner in Leon Hall be covering their best receiver, one of the best receivers in the league? Not David Jones the wavier wire pick up out of Wingate College. I guess it really didn't matter too much since the Giants did not exploit it that much, but I found that to be odd and had potential to be dangerous, the Bengals were playing with fire for sure.

While the offense looked better, still they need to remember how to score a touchdown in the red zone. Twice had a chance in the red zone and had to settle for field goals, can't leave points on the field against the defending Super Bowl champions.

Third and twenty five and they run a draw, enough said there.

Game Disappointments.

Levi Jones. He gave up three sacks and had a false start penalty on third down. In 2005 this guy was a pro bowl alternate, he was a first round draft choice, he is covering Carson's blind side. I sure hope Collins is ready to go soon because I can not take much more of Levi's bullshit.

Chad Johnson. Still not getting separation and still not catching the ball. Thrown to 4 times and had one catch, unacceptable. The worst part is that he is going to start to blame coaches and Palmer for his lack of effort and will probably blow up what little team chemistry this team has.

Marvin Lewis, see above. I will stand by if he manages 4 wins he will save his job. I don't know why, but he will. If he goes 0-8 he might get fired....might. But it would take him only winning 3 games before Mike would consider firing him. Keep in mind that Mike would have to eat money on Marvin's contract if he fired him and we all know how Mike is with money.

Game Balls.

Chris Perry. Or Chad Perry depending on who you believe. The second half was tough, blocking got worse as the game went on, conditioning issue? Plus the Bengals were forced to throw the ball more often. But in the first half Chris Perry made me believe finally that he might not have been a total waste of a pick. he ran to the hole, he made cuts, he scampered for a 20+ yard run and a touchdown.

Domato Pecko. Looked good and strong. Got penetration against the run and seemed to always be around the ball. Plus Dan Deirdorf had some sort of man crush on his hair.

Antonio Chapman. Finally emerging as a good number three receiver and decent punt returner, nothing like getting value out of an investment made three years ago. Funny I said number three receiver, Palmer threw to him more than Chad and he caught every ball thrown his way. Six receptions for 70 yards. Chad had a total of 3 for less than 30.

T.J. Houshmanzadeh. Twelve catches for 146 and a touchdown. Finally Palmer has his go-to-guy back. That and I saw him make a monster block earlier in the game.

Carson Palmer. 69% completion percentage, no interceptions, first touchdown of the year, 286 yards and a 98.9 passer rating. And he led them down field with under 3 minutes to play and other than the play clock blunder had them in position to win. Finally a Carson Palmer like game.

Quote of the game.

"Fly fat ass fly"

That was Me in reference to Brandon Jacobs sudo jump at the goal line to score the touchdown. I think the Bengals were just as surprised as I was since they did not stack anyone over the top to stop him.

Anymore when I watch this team, even of days that they do play acceptable football, like this past Sunday they will find a way to lose. Maybe this bodes well for the 0-16 dream, but that is what you get with Marvin Lewis at the helm.

Side Note.

Poor Tony. While my friend did close on a house on Friday, which is a joyous event and I am very happy for him. He, however, lost several other more important things. One; I beat him in the semi-finals in our keeper baseball fantasy league and moved on to defend my title as lord and ruler of fantasy baseball. Two; I beat him in our fantasy football keeper league to move to 3-0. Lastly; I got to watch the Dolphins, lead by none other than Chad Pennington, beat his beloved Patriots, led by his latest boyfriend Matt Castle. This is really funny because a week ago I tried to explain to him that Matt Castle was nothing and that I would rather have Chad Pennington with a bad, neh, non-existent shoulder leading my team. Chad has played in the NFL, started in the NFL and in the same division. He knows defenses, can make reads, and most importantly he can still hand off to Ronnie Brown!

Saturday, September 20, 2008

Douche bag of the week.

Hello all faithful readers, all two of you! Starting a new weekly update, douche bag of the week. Judging by all the douche-baggery that goes on in this world I suspect that it will be a rather easy piece of writing.

The nominees this week are; DeSaun Jackson, Ed Hochuli, and Josh Howard. One is a moron rookie receiver that has not quite learned the art of the end zone celebration. I mean don't you have to score BEFORE you celebrate? The funny part is that this guy is a repeat offender, here and here. You would have thought that he would have learned his lesson the first time. This guy is a rookie, I am sure he will make it back to my D-bag of the week column, he just can't help himself. I look forward to this guy doing more stupid shit!

The second is a referee that cost a division rival a game because of a bad call. Isn't that what instant reply is for? I know it is part the game, but Ref's should never decide the outcome of a game. And not only did he decide the outcome of the game, but it was a very important division rival and might have playoff implications. What happens if the Chargers don't make the playoffs because of their division record? Tim Donaghy is calling he wants to know if you want to hang out and start a casino or something?

And last but not least, is one of many spoiled NBA stars that makes too much money to put a ball in a hoop. He is also the clear cut winner this week. Again a repeat offender, in the sense that this guy can't keep his mouth shut and just has to say something more stupid time after time. But the latest garbage to come out of this mans mouth is really outstanding.
"The Star Spangled Banner’s going on right now and I don’t celebrate that (expletive). I’m black."
Seriously? That is freaking ridiculous. You have got to be a serious bag of douche if you bad mouth the national anthem of the country the over pays you to play a sport. He is black and I am white and he will make more money than I can ever dream of. There are soldiers that defend the right for this moron to say stupid shit like that with their lives. So I guess that allows him to say it, but it makes me sad and angry that he lives such a spoiled life and demands to be such a douche bag.

Congratulations to Josh Howard the weed smoking loud mouth, he is this weeks easy winner of douche bag of the week. Some one had to pick up where Alan Iverson left off.

Friday, September 19, 2008

Garbage update

We suffered another minor defeat this past Thursday with out garbage men. There were several random pieces of wood and toe strip from the house renovation. I would say that it is too heavy, but Carson and Housh (dogs) managed to drag pieces all over the yard, so can it really be that bad?

The worst part is that I think our garbage men have an new ally in the war, the city of Sharonville. We used to have all this wood piled against the house to use for fires at night in the spring and fall, but last week we got a letter from Sharonville saying we were in violation of some obscure code written 200 years ago and buried in the City ordinance.

It is my assumption that the some one at Rumpke tripped over my blog and was looking for anything that they could exact their revenge on me. They found this law, after what I imagine to be countless hours of reading, just to spite me. Then they anonymously tipped the city of Sharonville, who would be more than happy to fine my ass to this violation and now they are in cahoots.

So the war wages on Hitler(Rumpke) and Tojo(city of Sharonville) vs. Eisenhower(Jesy) and Patton(me). A showdown of epic proportions. By the way, all the wood is still out there by the curb, and it will remain there for at least a week. After said week I will be delivering it to Rumpke myself. i will just take it there and leave it by their sign on 27.

Take that Rumpke.

I was very excited that I could use the word cahoots in the blog post!

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Fun fact.

I was filling my break at work with some research and came across a fascinating article. On Espn's page 2, Thomas Neuman wrote an article on the rankings of the 32 NFL teams since the 1970 merger of the AFL and the NFL.

The only part of their "scoring system" that I do not like is the crushing defeats. Unless it is losing a key player in a key moment, like when the Bengals lost Palmer in their lone playoff appearance in 20 years, then it should not count. Of course there are plenty of those, but I don't think "The Drive," really effected Cleveland the next year. What happened with Palmer I think continues to effect this franchise, among many other things, but we have not been the same since then really.

But the most interesting part was that the Steelers rank number 2. They are the second best franchise in the NFL since 1970. Sadly I can't say that I disagree. Six Super Bowl appearances and five wins. That should say enough, but let's consider that in that time they have had only two coaching changes in that time as well and only one draft bust.

Now the Bengals in comparison are 24th on the list. They have had 8 coaching changes and 4 draft busts. No one had more draft busts than the Bengals and only a couple had more coaching changes. And funny enough, where does all of this point? Mike Brown.

The Steelers have always been owned by the Rooney's and the Bengals have always been run by the Browns. The difference is that The Rooney's, have been able to continue to dominate as it has been past down. When ownership was passed from Paul to Mike upon Paul's passing a giant, dark cloud of idiocy has followed Mike wherever he has gone.

Please God deliver us from this moron of an owner, I don't normally involve God, but where else can I turn? I would like to see a list 20 years from now where from the year 2000 to 2030 where the Bengals were in the top 15? Maybe too much to ask, but I want to be able to wear my Bengals gear in public again sometime soon.

This link was sent to me today, from my friend Tony, and I had to add it. Enjoy!

Quick hit.

After taking time to digest the shoot out that was the Monday night game between Dallas and Phily, it makes me even more depressed to be a Bengals fan. Both of those teams played with passion and purpose. Both teams wanted to win, and you could see every time the offense took the field. Confidence, swagger, determination; all words that I would never use to describe the Bengals this year. Instead I would use depleted, sullen, and beat down.

There was a time when I counted to 10 and McNabb still had not throw the ball and there was no one around him. His line blocked, and continued to block until the whistle was blown. I think the Bengals line, when it does block, will do it for 3-4 seconds at most and then figures that Carson should have gotten rid of the ball by now and quits. Couple that with the fact that our receivers are wearing defenders like a blanket in the middle of winter and well, you have a recipe for disaster. And it is not like Dallas' defense is a joke, that is a decent defense.

By the way, we get to play both of those teams. Oh and to scare you a little more, we get to play the defending Super Bowl champions on Sunday. This is a team that doesn't look to have lost a step even though they lost their two best defenders from last year in Micheal Strahan and Osi Umenyiora. They just finished with the dismantling of St. Louis last week to the tune of, 41-13. Of course St. Louis might be one of only about three teams that are worse than the Bengals, but I can not imagine we will score 13 against that defense. I mean after two games we have ONE offensive touchdown. ONE.

So to all those drinking the kool-aid out there, and there can't be more than 7 of you left, we will not win on Sunday. We might not win all year.

I wish I could start a poll on my blog, my question would be: How long till Marvin is fired. If the team is 0-8 I think there is a good chance that he is gone, but not before that. Mike has had this guys back, even after his first losing season last year. If the team manages to squeak out 4 wins, Marvin might have saved his job. I would HOPE not, but we are dealing with Mike Brown. But less than 4 and I think he is gone, and if he goes 0-16 he is definitely out, of course that is if he makes it past 0-8 which is where I think Mike draws the line.

And let me be the first to say, Peace out Marvin.

Monday, September 15, 2008

Lack of focus....

Today's blog will have a theme. In celebration of the Bengals running their record to an impressive 0-2 we will talk about the lack of focus on this team. I mean it is disgusting to watch this team make the mistakes they do, these guys are professionals? We pay them millions of dollars to not pay attention for a couple hours?

So again the game was brought to you in HD, or high doody. Looking back I find this funny since the theme this week is the lack of focus. As I was watching the game I was squinting the entire time trying to figure out who was on the field. I am afraid that I will have to start watching my TV from 3 blocks away using a telescope just to see it clearly. Also just a note for all you cable users out there, you do have one advantage over us satellite users. Every time my power would kick out of course so would satellite and it would take it forever for it to find the the correct coordinates and come back online. Are you serious? It is not like I am trying to get coordinates for a missile strike on Canada or anything, I just want to watch TV damnit.

I am not going to delve too deep into the game itself for a couple reasons. One; it is sad and depressing and I don't want my readers to have to turn to Paxcil or Prozac to get through my blogs. Two; I cant talk to in depth about a game that I hardly saw. I mean I saw enough, but due to Hurricane Ike my power kept blinking out and after about two and a half quarters we officially lost all power at the house. I joked with my wife that it was a sign of the Apocalypse and she actually start to freak out a little bit!

Game Notes

After the first series, of which the Bengals went 3 and out, as usual this year. The boo's birds were out loud and proud. Hell the only part of that game that was truly in HD might have been the boo's, it was so loud that I you could have walked two blocks up the street and heard the boo's.

Thank god the Titans could not stay on sides, that was the only way the Bengals could move the ball down field. Five penalties for 25 yards on Tennessee, at least four of those were offsides and they tended to give the Bengals a first down each time. Of course, the Bengals had five penalties for 35 yards, hmmmmm, lack of focus maybe? They did manage to avoid at least one delay of game penalty though by burning a time out because no one for the Bengals knows how to read a play clock still. You would think that after I mentioned this last week that one of them would have read this and learned how to tell time! Again this points to lack of focus and Marvin's magical play clock plundering. Seriously this has been going on for years now. Then, as time is expiring, in the first half and Palmer is literally hobbling to the line to get a play off they do not use a timeout. Instead we all had to watch Palmer painfully get to the line and call an audible and then watch as time expired and the Bengals did not score and had a timeout that they could have used. Maybe Marvin was surprised that they had a timeout left, normally they have to use them all in the first few series to keep from the play clock expiring. Or maybe they had all the confidence that Dede Dorsey could scramble and dance his way for 40+ plus yard to the end zone. Seriously? This isn't dancing with the stars and he is no Jason Taylor! So a quick recap, They use time outs when they shouldn't have to and don't use timeouts when they need to. That point to Marvin and his .......oh yeah lack of focus.

Also to point to the lack of focus theme, did the defense not look pretty good for the first two series? But then all the sudden they gave up a huge play and then realized that again this week the offense was not going to help them and just kind of gave up. Lack of focus and the coach has lost the team.

Don't forget special teams. Every game the Bengals will, like clockwork, give up either a huge return off a punt or kick off or both. Can we have some consistent coverage please?!

I mean lets face it, Mrs Garrett ran a tighter ship at Eastland school. I want to hear Marvin on the side lines screaming "Girls, girls, girlssssss" every time they screw something up!

Pet peeve. This has also been a theme for several years 3rd and 13 we throw the ball 10 yards. 3rd and 10 we will throw it 8 yards. 3rd and 3 we will run a draw. I don't work for NASA, but if it is 3rd and 10 isn't it a good idea to get all 10 of those yards? This isn't Euchre, you can't count on your partner for one trick, or in this case count on your receiver for two extra yards. Especially this year it seems like out receivers are getting no separation at all, good thing they showed up for those voluntary camps, oh wait they didn't, hmmmmm interesting.
Random Quote
"No player from the Bengal's Defense has ever been to the pro-bowl" That was Don Cricky, who just randomly blurted that out in the middle of the game. I swear it was not referencing anything, nor did either of them elaborate on the comment. It was like he was on a first date and was just saying anything to keep conversation going. The 'ol "saying anything is better than awkward silence," routine. I know the Bengals suck and no one wants to cover them, but can we get some people in there that shows a little bit of intelligence about the team and might care just a little bit? Maybe not though, Marvin and Mike, or M&M as I will call them, don't care, why should the networks?

Game balls

Again it was a tough call this week. Very tough to say anything nice about the game I kind of got to watch. Chris Perry. The "kid" ran with purpose and give him a line that would block and he might be even better. It is very refreshing to see a running back that can cut and hit holes running. Antwan Odom. He was getting pressure on Collins when he was blocked by one person. The more I see him play and the healthier he gets the better he looks. Ben Utech. I know some of you may find this pick as a surprise since he got hurt on the first play of the game, but that is exactly why I picked him. Because of getting hurt, he did not have to participate in this massacre. But the best player of the field for the Bengals was the Titans defensive line that kept jumping off sides. My only guess is that they all had Mexican for dinner the night before, because they had seven sacks against a better team last week, they could have got to Palmer if they were sleep walking.
Judging by the Mo Meter this game had to have been pretty horrible, my phone was blowing up all day.

Another week, another loss, but they are keeping the dream of 0-16 alive. Godspeed Bengals, it will be a tough quest, but please don't let me down. Your special combination of a terrible owner, an inept coach, and uninspired players has me believing now, more than ever, that the dream could become a reality. The pieces are there.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Epic Battle.

Like Kramer and the cable guy, Jesy and I also have a rival that we battle with almost on a weekly basis. RUMPKE. We have been in our house for over three years and have had many a battle with Rumpke, some we have won some they have won, but the latest battle has gone as a victory for Rumpke.

Victories for us

  1. In re-doing the basement there was obviously allot of garbage that we had to throw out. There was dry wall and brackets and busted wood, all of which is common in home renovation projects. The problem is that when were were throwing away said materials it never occurred to me that even though I could lift the garbage up my stairs and out to my curb, that the garbage men could not lift it from the curb into their truck two feet away. I had no idea Estelle Getty and Betty White were our garbage collectors! The best part was when Jesy went out and chased them down the street carrying the garbage bag that they "could not lift." I know that screams hillbilly, chasing down the garbage men and all, but seriously, they can't lift something that my wife can?! The end result was that we called Rumpke and it was picked up the next day. George and Jesy win.

  2. Next on the list of victories was the carpet scandal. Again dealing with the basement, we were finishing the project with new carpet. Going from carpet that looked like the color of bloody stool, to a nice almost beige color that hides the hair from my crazy dog. In making the switch we made sure that the installers cut up the old carpet and padding into small sections and roll it tight to make sure that our finicky garbage men would actually take it. It literally sat out on the curb for three weeks before Rumpke finally took it. It was a typical stand off, much like the fabled O.K. Corral, it was just a matter of who blinked first and they did. In all seriousness though there was no reason that they should not have taken it. The only thing I can think of is the day they came it rained and I don't think they wanted to take the time to load it in the rain!

  3. The goose body. After our former shed almost blew away in the high wind storm of '07, we had to tear down what was left. Part of the shed decor was two cement geese that "guarded" it, but not from high winds apparently. In any case we took an ax to them and broke them up the best we could and scattered them between two different garbage cans, again knowing the extreme wussiness of our garbage men. On garbage day we noticed that one of the cans was not touched. WTF? I go out and look and it is the can that had a little bit larger of a piece of the goose in it, the whole body. So I had to dump out the garbage and pull the body out and then put all the garbage back in to separate the two. The next week they took the garbage, but not the body. For two weeks that body stayed out there until Rumpke finally broke down and hefted that 40 pound body into their truck. Again George and Jesy win.

The Loss

You will notice that loss was singular, because while it took a while, we have won every battle.....until today. It truly is a sad day. It is was like when Aaron Boone hit that damn home run for the Yankees. We thought we could never lose, we were untouchable, but today were were dealt a crushing blow. We have two "outside" garbage cans that I normally take down and the moron twins will just empty them and then haphazardly throw them where ever they like. Sometimes I wonder if it is not some weird game they play, find your garbage can down the street. In any case this week I took down the "inside" garbage can I keep in the laundry room. It was filled to the brim and I did not want to hassle with dumping it all in a bag, it might not have all fit anyway. So I figured that I would just take it out to the curb as well, the only challenge might be to find it three blocks away. Neh, instead the took it. That's right they loaded the whole freaking can into their truck. They can't take a 40 pound goose body, but they can justify taking a whole garbage can. Personally I think it was revenge. I think they felt that they needed a "W" and made it happen.

Touche garbage men, touche.

And the war continues.

For the game....

It may be early in the season, but after last season and week ones debacle, it is time to have an affair. I will be dawning a Peyton Manning jersey on Sunday, which I normally reserve for Bengals bye weeks only. However, I want to wear 'ol Manning during the Bengals game this week just to see how it feels. Will it be awkward, will I feel guilty, will it, in some weird reverse psychology, make the Bengals try harder to get my love back? My prediction for answers are no, maybe and hell no. If this team can't rise up to protect their quarterback, they damn sure don't give a damn about me. If the owner seems fit to take back a guy that has more career arrests, Chris Henry, than touchdowns then defiantly not.

And don't worry all, my man crush on Palmer stands, but it is time to see other people. I need to feel that excitement that only a WINNING team and SUCCESSFUL franchise can bring. I need to know that the owner is not a complete moron and had the fans in mind. Bill Polian, the current President of the Colts, might be one of the best NFL presidents ever, he has success wherever he goes. I love listening to this guy during the scouting combine, he is smart, genuine and you can tell he knows what he is doing. Every team deserves a guy like that, instead we get the bastard child of the great Paul Brown. You know he is in heaven wishing he had a baby girl.

Please know that I am not giving up on the Bengals, that is very important to note. I am just going to root for another some what local team that has their shit together to see what it would be like. It is like a science experiment.

Side note.....

The world needs to know that in one case, maybe the only one ever documented, I was right and my brother was wrong. I have always been a Peyton Manning fan ever since he was at Tennessee, had HORRIBLE acne, and his forehead seemed even bigger than it is now. My brother however, always like Eli. Maybe it was because C.J., like Eli is the younger brother and so they shared a bond, who really knows. But while Eli was in college C.J. tried to tell me that Eli was going to be the better quarterback, I laughed and scoughed at this, but he stood firm. Did I just say stood firm? Gross. Anyway, I wanted to bring up this little tale because I have decided to rub in the fact that I am right and he is clearly wrong on this debate, I am going to buy him an Eli Manning jersey for Christmas this year. What I can not decide is to get him an 'Ol Miss jersey, or a Giants jersey. I am leaning towards a Giants jersey because I think he hates the Giants more, therefor funnier for me!

Please faithful readers help me make this very important decision!

Monday, September 8, 2008

Normal to crazy in 2.5 seconds!

So, as I stated in an earlier post Jesy was sooo excited about "Tropic Thunder" that she had to see it again. So tonight was the night. It was to be a normal low key Herron night, with Rick tagging along since his birthday was sometime this month, but I have been sworn to secrecy as to when exactly.

The night started off with Rick and I doing what we do, we messed with Jesy. We made her think that Rick forgot and that he had not picked me up and that I was going to be late for the movie. to her credit after the third call as she was pulling into the theatre she did notice Rick's truck. Surprising coming from the same girl that had no idea that we were throwing her a surprise party with all her friends and family's car outside of the house she parked at!

Any who, we watch the movie and as funny as it was the first time, it was a little better the second time. Kudos still to Tom Cruise and Robert Downey Jr. Jesy again laughed a few times at decibels that only dolphins could hear or understand, and Rick seemed to really enjoy it.

The real excitement did not start until after the movie, however. As we were doing the typical outside the theatre and dissecting the movie we got to witness an amazing event. We saw a semi truck try to take a turn it had no business making and it took out a stop sign and a huge light pole.

Of course like 3 year olds Rick and I were watching and and jumping up and down like we either had to go to the bathroom or were really excited. Meanwhile Jesy was on the horn to the 5-0. While this was going on the trucker, who might have been drunk, high, or a rookie was backing up and trying again and again. He might have tried this like four times. I give an A for effort and a F- for execution. At one point had he actually kept going he was about to take out yet another light. I can't speak for Rick, but at this point I did pee myself in anticipation! The trucker was now out of the vehicle checking the damage, noticing I am sure that he had mangled a stop sign and taken out a light pole, but that was not going to stop this persistent bastard. He decided to give it another couple tries and then decided to "sneak" out a different way. Little did he know that Jesy was on the phone with the single dumbest dispatcher ever as he drove right past us.

Being the responsible citizens we were, we waited for the police to show up and Jesy filled out her report. We had fun making fun of the dumbass dispatcher with the cop and harassing Jesy some more while she was trying to fill out the report. We of course took pictures with Jesy's cell phone and as we were walking back to the car we were all staring at each other thinking the same thing....lets go see if they got that hit and run biotch!

So of course we all pile in our cars and head up 75 to see if they got him. There is of course no rhyme or reason for it, we were just geeked up like we were 5 and had never seen cops pull some one over before. Starting at Union Centre we had travelled past 129 and had not seen anything yet and was preparing for a major let down. We decided to go to Monroe and if we did not see anything to call it a night. As we were approaching the truck stop we saw the flashing lights and there was an explosion of yelling and laughter like we thought that trucker could hear us or something! "GOTCHA BITCH!"

What a funny night!

Train Wreck.

What do a rookie head coach, a rookie quarterback, and a rookie running back all have in common? Together they can beat the crap out of the Bengals. When this game started I was thinking....well it will be good to start the year off with a win, because it might be a long year. Little did I know that the Bengals were really as bad as I thought they were after pre-season. The two things that really stick out in my mind before the season started was; Carson Palmer saying that he was not worried about the offense, and Geoff Hobson proclaiming that this team had a chance to win the division. Both laughable. I of course took notes through out the game for the purpose of this blog. It was a nightmare to go through all the random thoughts and make them coherent enough for people to read it, but here it goes.

Lets start with the pregame. I turn on my 50 inch plasma to find that the game is only on the local channel 12. Great I have 9000 channels and 1000 of them are HD and I can't get the Bengals game in HD. I literally flipped though every channel to try and find it, nothing. So after settling for the local and the game is about to start it tells me, "Game brought to you in HD." FREAKING SWEET! However, 3 minutes into the game it is clear that either they lied, or they discovered HD lower than 480i. It was horrible, so horrible in fact, that my friend Rick was quoted as calling this HD, "high doody."

Now on to the atrocity, or game itself. Since I split my note paper in two parts, one for offense and one for defense, that is how I will attack this post. Lets start with the offense, which was offensive. I am talking the stink that 7 day old Chinese food that is laying out over a 1 month old dead body of a guy that crapped himself before he died stink. I am not going to get into the box score details, that would be boring, and depressing. instead I will look at some points of interest that I saw. In the first half I saw good field position squandered at least three times. Our first drive we got the ball in field goal territory and were sacked twice and we had to punt.

Speaking of sacked twice, good thing we let Willie go, that offensive line never looked better huh? That was one of the more disgusting performances from an offensive line that I have ever seen. They look out of sync, slow, lethargic, and apathetic. I mean their quarterback was getting beat worse than a red headed step child, I guess that broken nose didn't mean anything to those guys.

Past that it was like their defense was in our huddle, I guess Bratkowski is the most predictable play caller in the NFL. Again I have to harp on the coaching. Never has a team had this much talent and done so little. Not one offensive touchdown on Sunday. I know that Baltimore's defense is good, but they are old and nicked up, we should have been able to score at least twice and especially with working on a short field in the first half.

Play clock management was horrible again. I know they got at least two delay of game penalties and had to burn two timeouts for no real reason other than not having enough time to snap the ball. I know those are not game changing events, but it points to a bigger issue. There is a lack of focus, there is a lack of urgency, and I don't understand that coming from a team that has looked that bad offensively since last year.

With an offense struggling you go for it on 4th and 1 and forth and 2? Really? I would elaborate on this more, but why? Mo's daughter was over at our house watching the game and I think that she understood that it was an idiot call. I think that my dogs were confused by those calls.

Telling signs.....

The look on Carson and T.J.'s faces. They were very different looks, but both summed up the entire game and what might be the season as well. Carson's face after the defense caused a turn over was, damn, I have to go out there and get the shit kicked out of me again? I have never seen Carson look so depressed to take the field, and the funniest part is that he is going to take all of the blame for how bad they were offensively today, I guarantee it. T.J.'s face was straight anger, I mean PISSED. Like if he was Chris Henry I would have been afraid that he would have shot someone. The look on T.J.'s face made me scared, I was worried that he was going to punch me through the TV.

Offensive quote of the night.....

"Look at them run around like they were invited!"

That was my wife talking about the Raven's defense killing the Bengals offense.

Now a look at the defense, which is only slightly less depressing. Top be honest, they first half they looked pretty good, with only a few exceptions. But as the game wore on and they were on the field for what seemed like forever, they got tired, and lazy, and apathetic.

Here is what really stuck out to me though, bad tackling again. We saw it in pre-season and we saw it again yesterday. This has been an epidemic for a few years now, and again it has to go back to coaching. These guys are being coached to tackle incorrectly.

Where was that pass rush that Zimmer talked about all pre-season? Honestly I thought that I was watching a defense run by Chuck Bresnahan....again. It was like that nightmare that you wake up from, but when you fall back asleep it is there waiting for you. I don't know how hard it is for coached to see that if you rattle a quarterback then you can dominate defensively. I mean was Mike just not paying attention when the Ravens were doing that to us? The worst part is that they had a rookie quarterback, how much easier to rattle that guy than say Peyton Manning. but in typical Bengal fashion we made Capt. Uni brow, or Joe Flacco look like an all pro. For other evidence of this see Shawn King, and Bruce Gratkowski.

Of course the two times the Bengals did decide to blitz it was with 5 guys and the corners were playing 20 yards off the receivers so it was an easy completion. Who the hell is coaching these guys?

But, the defense did score our only touchdown, which prompted Mo to say, "the defense is better offensively that the offense." A little confusing I know, but I am used to it since I have lived next door to Mo for three years. I am fluent in "Moeese."

Side note, Dexter Jackson is likes to fight guy. I saw him get in a fight at training camp with his own team. Then I saw him yesterday trying to pick a fight with any and all the Ravens that he could. I like the fire and passion, but he is going to get himself killed.
Looking ahead, Dallas has the chance to post 700 yards on the Bengals!

Defensive quote of the day.....

"The Bengals defense just got out run by a guy that runs a 6.7 40!"

That was Jesy's cousin Kat talking about Joe Flacco scrambling, and I use the term scrambling lightly since he never really scrambled, for a touchdown.

The good.....

I really struggled to find anything good to say about this game. But, if I had to give out a game ball out it would have to be Jonathan Joseph. He made tackles, returned a fumble for our only touchdown, possibly the only Bengals player all day that looked like he knew what he was doing. Also I would like to say kudos to Coors. I love those commercials and they did not disappoint with their latest one with Brian Billeck. Just saw that while watching the game and it was funny as hell. Not as good as the Dennis Green one, but I would put it second.


I know it may be too early for this, but after watching my team lose, and lose BAD to a team with a rookie head coach, rookie running back and rookie quarterback, I am pretty confident that this team can do what I have been dreaming about for quite a while.....go 0-16. Don't be confused, I don't want that to happen, I just think it is a distinct possibility. I am torn between wanting a team to go 0-16 and that team being my Bengals. If nothing else we have a solid look at a top 5 pick in next years draft! Sad that it is just like the 90's again when after the first game we start looking forward to the draft. Ouch. Welcome back Bungals.

Saturday, September 6, 2008

Movie Review; Tropc Thunder.

Went to the movies last night with the wife and to my surprise she did not mind seeing Tropic Thunder. I will admit that I only went to see this on the recommendation of my brother. I find Ben Stiller very unfunny normally, and the premise of the movie sounded too close to "The Three Amigos." However, my brother and his girlfriend raved about it, so I thought I would give it a try.

Let me start off with the previews, they had a commercial with the Gieco cavemen. Who agrees with me, those guys need to go away....forever. I mean seriously? Did they not realize how insipid and un-humerous they were when they tried to make the T.V. show about them that flat lined faster Bobby Petrino's NFL career. Next they showed something that interested me greatly, a movie that was obviously spoofing that one-sided idiot Micheal Moore, "An American Carol." Of course it is going to be over the top, and Kevin Farley isn't as funny as his brother's shadow, but any movie that make Micheal Moore look like the jackass he is I will support!

Now the movie. The story was as ridiculous as you would think, but it was not so awful that I would want to leave. Ben Stiller was the worst part of the movie, but as I said I have a bias. I will say that this was not his worst performance, however. Jack Black was alright and portrayal of a character jonesin' for a fix was pretty funny, and of course it just escalated throughout the film. I still feel that Jack Black was at his best in "High Fidelity." he needs to find a way to get back to that edgy, pompous humor that I love.

My game balls, however, go to Robert Downey Jr. and Tom Cruise. Kudos to Robert for his HUGE comeback. "Ironman" was great and he was perfect for a white guy acting like a black guy. The stereotypes he hits on are hilarious and his refusal to come out of character even after it is clear that the movie is over is freaking hysterical. We all knew Tom Cruise was funny, just not in an intentional way! He was super funny in this, it almost made me forget that he is really a giant weirdo.

Overall a good watch and worth seeing in the theatre if you wants some good laughs. My wife will tell you that it is one of the funniest movies that she has ever seen, she wanted to go see it again tonight! The last movie I saw her laugh this hard at was "Talladega Nights." Personally I would put it maybe in my top 25 funny movies of all time.

Line of the movie, "You never go full retard."

I give it 3 1/2 prosthetics out of 5. You will get that joke after you see the movie.

Friday, September 5, 2008

Quoth the Ravens; Willie's ours.

Willie Anderson is now a Baltimore Raven. How sad. I just have a hard time seeing him in purple and black. It is funny because I am totally apathetic to Rudi Johnson signing in Detroit. hell I say good luck Detroit, you can watch a supposed "bell cow" dance to the line of scrimmage and run into the blocker, not through the hole he is creating for you.

Maybe it is because for this year, and possibly the next three, we will have to see him two times a year. It is like when you break up with a girl in high school, it sucks because you think you are better off without her, but you still have to see her everyday. When she starts dating the popular football player and you aren't seeing anyone you look like a jackass. When Willie shuts out Antwan Odom for sacks and Stacey Andrews gives up one, Mike Brown and Marvin Lewis will look like giant jackasses.

Of course he could have signed in the NFC and it would have been like the ex-girlfriend transferring schools which would have been better, but if Willie ends up in the pro-bowl and Stacey doesn't get locked up after his franchise year then again Mike and Marvin get to look like turd heads. That means we will have to start Anthony Collins at right guard and start all over again in a crucial position on the line. I know the Bengals liked what they saw out of this guy in camps, but would he be ready to start next year? Could he fill Willie's HUGE shoes there? I don't like that many question marks on the offensive line with one of the best quarterbacks in the league in his prime.

Maybe I am just upset because I didn't get the closure that I needed. Break-ups are hard, I either need closure or more time to heal, but to have to see Willie again the first game of the year and then have to see him again in week 13 is just too much. I think I might drunk dial Willie tonight, it is just part of the process. Next week I will burn the pictures!
Dear Mike and Marvin, you had better win this game and the new girlfriend (Stacey Andrews) had better look prefect or you are going to get laughed out of school. I say girlfriend, but it is more like paying a hot prostitute to go go to a dance with you to show up your ex. And just like a prostitute Stacey is going to take the money and run after this season and leave you with nothing good to talk about with your friends, except for "What is that and why does it itch?"

Tuesday, September 2, 2008


Bengals season does not begin until Sunday, so that gives me a few days of rest until what looks to be a season of angry blogging. So, since I do not have any Bengals material and the Reds are all but dead, lets just hope they can fight off those mighty Pirates for dead last, I thought I would give all you readers out there a glimpse into my everyday world. Maybe some insight into black hole of insanity that I fight through everyday.

Today I am going off the board to share some of my typical calls that I field on an everyday basis at my job. Keep in mind that I can get any or all of these in any given day. Some of them I will get a couple times a day. And you should also know that I work for a large company's technical help center, so I am on a phone and in front of a computer all day everyday.

Call #1
"I just got converted from our old email system (Lotus Notes) to our new email system (Outlook) and I was wondering why I cannot get mail through Lotus Notes anymore. I have replicated several times today and have not received any new mail."
Really? You have not received any new email in the Application that you were just converted off of? Shit let me call NASA and get their best and brightest working on this. I am pretty sure that we can find some Doctors that are trying to find the cure for cancer and have them look into this as well. Or maybe, just maybe, you could click on that mysterious new icon on your desktop and use the new email application that was the whole reason for the giant intrusive upgrade you just went through.

Call #2
"My computer is broke, the screen is blank."

Oh No! Better drop and cover, get in the fetal position under your desk immediately. Looks like they were right about Y2K after all, it was just 8 years late. And as likely as that may seem, just for shits and giggles lets make sure the PC and the monitor is actually turned on. I know you are all thinking there is no way that it is that simple, but let me tell you that over 50% of the time sadly, it is.

Call #3
"I can't print"
This is one of my favorites. Could you please call in with a more vague issue? Why not just call in and say, "I have a problem?" Then we can make it a giant guessing game to get to the issue. We just do yes or no questions and maybe turn a 5 minute call into a 1 hour and 5 minute call! What application can you not print out of? What error are you getting? Is the error on your PC or on the printer? Is there even a printer in your office? Do you actually know what a printer is or did you hear the cool people talking about it in the lunch room and decided to make this a conversation starter with your friendly help desk associate? In all seriousness though, I love it when you talk to them for 15 minutes diagnosing what could be wrong before they finally tell you that is says "paper jam" on the printer.

Call #4
"The Internet is broke"
The hell you say! Well someone better get Al Gore on the phone and ask him what is up with his defective invention. This is obviously one of the more ignorant calls I get, but I do indeed get calls where they say that exact thing. I mean can you actually fathom in today's world for the actual Internet to "break." It would be catastrophic. But I am sure they are correct every time I get that call. So sure, in fact, that I get under my desk and look out the one window that we have in our building to see if satellites are falling from the sky, planes are crashing into each other, traffic lights are out, to see if chaos incarnate is born. Much to my dismay every time they are wrong and it is because their proxy settings are wrong, or they need to refresh their page, or their password was expired. Damn.

Call #5
"I had an employee die this weekend and I need to know where to send their check."

Now I will admit that I have only received this call once and will probably never get it again, but I had to put this on the list since it is what really inspired this blog post. As I stated before I work in technical support, why in the hell someone, in the HR department mind you, would call me to ask where to send a recently deceased employees check is beyond comprehension. It actually hurts my head to try and think of the reasoning for calling desktop support for something like that. I of course said that she could send the check to me, but this was not a popular choice.

Of course I would be remiss if I did not fill you all in on the categories of callers I tend to get on a daily basis as well.

  1. The Comedian. Everything this person says is hilarious.....to themselves only.
  2. The Bitch/Asshole. Nothing you can do will please these people. You could solve their issue, but it would not be fast enough. You could save the world from a nuclear holocaust with one arm tied behind your back, blindfolded, while wearing three lead vests and dragging yourself around by your own ear but when submerging the bomb into the ocean you nicked their yacht. My wife says to kill these people with kindness, I say look them up in the phone book and kill them with a gun, it works better.
  3. The VIP. Their issue trumps all other issues. They call in and can not print out of one application that they only use once a month is WAYYYYYY more important than the email servers that all went down, clearly.
  4. The Foreigner. I am not going to get all political, but we have all had that call or had to call support and got that tech that knows about as much English as a two year old kid. It is aggravating trying to help someone that you can not communicate with.
  5. The Secretary. Bless their soul, they are on orders to call in knowing nothing about the issue that they are calling in about. It is like sending Barry Bonds to a high school to talk to kids about playing baseball clean, or like actors/actresses talking about foreign policy. Most of the time when the secretary calls in after 1 and a half good minutes of interrogation they break and just transfer me to their boss anyway. You know that guy that was way too important to take 10 minutes to call me himself.
  6. The Boss. See above.
  7. The Constant Talker. There are two versions of this person. The one version is where they will keep going on and on about the issue they are having, most of the time just coming up with 5 different ways to say the same thing. They will stop at nothing to keep their voice going and mine silent, I wonder at a certain point why they even called, they could have had the same conversation with a rock. The only time you have a chance is if/when they breathe, provided you have not fell asleep by that time. The other version is the person that will talk to the other people that are in the room with them while they are trying to simultaneously tell me about the issue they are having with their PC. But with either version I get it takes every fiber of my being not to yell SHUT UP as loud as I can. I am convinced that the only solution to this problem is to put my phone on mute and drive to their location and fix their issue, come back and take a nap while they are still on mute until they realize that the issue is resolved. I am positive that in 90% of these calls I can get away with that.
There are of course types of people that I am leaving out, but these are the most prevalent, and the most funny, I am here to entertain you after all.

I hope you all enjoyed this mostly literal, but somewhat satirical look into my world at work. And if any of you know me you know I can't drink, so, this can really help explain why I am like I am!