Tuesday, October 28, 2008

How to hurt Mike Brown

How do you hurt a man that doesn't care? How do you make a man who "knows" he is right, see that he is wrong? This is the problem that Bengals fans have stewed over for at least the last 17 years. Since 1991, when Mike took over this team there has only been one moment when Cincinnati believed that Mike had seen the error in his controlling ways, it was when he hired Marvin Lewis as the head coach in 2003. Alas, Mike proved that Marvin has never really had any control when Mike brought back Chris Henry this year, despite Marvin public saying on several occasions, that Chris would never play in Cincinnati again. With an 0-8 start it is clear that this problem not only has to be addressed, but solved. For the sake of this franchise there needs to be a way to make Mike see what he is doing, because clearly he lives in some cave in a bizzarro universe to not already know what he is doing.

What has not worked.

  1. Boycott buying team merchandise. These are pennies to Mike, he could care less if a bunch of people decide not to buy some jerseys or golf club covers.

  2. Going to the stadium to boo the team. As long as you are going to the game and paying for that ticket Mike doesn't care what you do when you are there. You can boo, scream something obscene, expose yourself to his daughter, or throw things at the players. As long as you entered the gate by a ticket then it is all good to Mike.

  3. Call radio/T.V. shows and complain openly about Mike and the "team" he has assembled. As I stated before he lives in some under ground bunker, surrounded by a force field, in some alternate universe, so getting through medias in this universe is a little difficult, by the time it gets to him it is slightly distorted.

  4. Fly a banner over the stadium. Mike has Akili Smith, Mathias Askew, Odell Thurman, Jeff Rowe, Dan Wilkinson, and KiJana Carter on the roof with .50 caliber sniper rifles with orders to shoot down any plane with a banner that comes within 5 miles of the stadium. And everyone thought that those guys were wasted draft picks?!

New ideas to try.

  1. In all seriousness we need hit Mike Brown where it will hurt him the most, and no I don't mean in the face, although...... Anyway in order to get Mikes attention everyone, and I mean EVERYONE needs to get serious about not re-newing their season tickets, not buying tickets for the rest of this year, not showing up, not tail-gating, nothing. Paul Brown Stadium needs to look like the rest of downtown Cincinnati on a Saturday at 6:00 pm, a ghost town. If there was a way to actually organize this and have people be patient and stick to the plan then we would be able to hit Mike Brown in the wallet and force him to sell or move. Of course this is a pipe dream and I don't think you could convince enough people in Cincinnati to make a difference. So I will list other more unorthodox methods that I came up with that might work as well.

  2. Celebrity intervention. Of course Dr. Phil would have to be the host and some Bengals fans with bags on their heads could be sitting there with Mike as Dr. Phil tried to explain that Mikes inner demons were preventing this team from growing to the team it could be. The "fans" would turn out to be relatives of Mikes and there would be tears and hugs and maybe Mike would then be forced to leave bizzarro world and face the reality of a terrible team.

  3. Get to the sniper team. I have said it before and I will say it again, there is a distinct possibility that this will never change until Mike is dead, by either natural means or otherwise. If someone could convince one of his own snipers, I would suggest Jeff Rowe, sadly he is the most accurate of the group, to turn the gun on Mike himself then the problem is solved. Jeff would need to invoke the power of Lee Harvey and his magic bullets , and here, to make it happen though.

  4. Remake "A Christmas Carol." Playing the role of Ebenezer Scrooge will of course be Mike Brown, playing Jacob Marley will be Sam Wyche, playing the ghost of seasons past will be his father, Paul Brown, playing the ghost of the present will be Marvin Lewis, and playing the ghost of seasons future will be Art Modell. Who better to tell Mike about his future if he continues to neglect this team. This is a made for T.V. movie waiting to happen and I better had see some money from it. Perhaps seeing all he has NOT done, and seeing where he is taking this team, where it is destined to go, maybe that will scare him enough to get his shit together. Or perhaps seeing Art Modell, the man that fired his father would be enough to motivate him.

Past all that I have no idea how to make this man see how he is destroying this team. In a year when Matt Millen was finally fired, you would think that Mike might see the light, but I guess there is no light in bizzarro land.

God help us everyone.

Monday, October 27, 2008

0-8, Let's Celebrate!

There is no better of a way to get to that halfway point in the season than with the worst loss of the year to a team that only had two wins previous to the meeting themselves. It was a 29 point drumming that saw no offensive touchdowns from the Bengals the whole game. Poor Dave Lapham was thinking that the Bengals were going to score a touchdown for the first time all year in the first quarter, before the toothless Bengals had to settle for a field goal.

What can I even say about this team that has not already been said? Not only said, but beat to death. I guess I can say that this was just a beat down in ever respect of the game. Marvin and crew were out coached, and the players were playing the most un-inspired football I have ever seen. I mean it looked like the Texans were the Globetrotters and the Bengals were whatever team was getting paid to go out and get embarrassed that week. Which brings me to another point, what are the Bengals getting paid for? Antwan Odom and Robert Gathers are making huge money to not do a damn thing. The Bengals might be the worst evaluator of talent at defensive end ever. They over drafted Justin Smith to under produce. Justin was a great man and a good player, just not what we needed out of a number 4 overall pick, he never even got into double digit sacks for a single season. Every year after that we have drafted at least one defensive end, none of which have panned out. We did throw allot of money at Robert Gathers though, after what would appear to be a fluke season of 10.5 sacks.

The play that really summed up this season so far for me though was watching Jonathan Joseph play two hand touch with Kevin Walter. I mean the Bengals tackling has been terrible all year and really for the last ten years that I can remember. it is like they are being coached to throw shoulder pads at the offense, or just push them out of bounds. It is a rare occasion to see a Bengals player hit someone and wrap. I was taught that in pee-wee football, but somewhere along the line they stopped listening and focusing on trying to make Sports Center highlights with "big hits." But to watch Jonathan Joseph completely loose focus and try to "down" a guy that was up and running was just embarrassing. It really sums up the whole season; lack of focus, lack of killer instinct, lack of passion, lack of want. So instead of just giving up a big play we let them have 6 points off a touchdown because the Bengals players have quit.


  1. The Bengals are late. They are late to get pressure on the quarterback, they are late swarming to the ball, they are late covering receivers. Time after time They seem to get to were they are supposed to be a second too late. They hit the quarterback after he releases the ball, I am still waiting for the roughing the passer flag that is long over due. They seem to get to the receiver after he is turning to head up field. Am I wrong or isn't the point of coverage to try and stop the pass from completing? It seems like they are being coached to stop them from scoring after they catch the ball. And in the running game after three people either miss or over pursue then they will finally arm tackle or throw their shoulder pads at someone, but not tackle properly.

  2. Ryan Fitzpatrick and Ryan Freel are the same person. Neither are gifted with superior athletic ability, but they both will give you 100% when they are in the game. Ryan Fitzpatrick has not won a game that he has started in the NFL and this will not change anytime soon. It is strange to watch him, because I silently root for him because I know he is trying, he is just not very good.

  3. Cedric Benson had 8 rushes for 41 yards at half time. Strange, seeing those number you would have thought that perhaps they would have tried to run the ball more often. I mean at the half they were only losing 14-6, they could have still tried to run the ball.

  4. When do we get to see Anthony Collins? I am tired of having to watch Levi Jones and Stacy Andrews get beat, or get false start penalties because they know they are going to get beat.

  5. Dexter Jackson looks horrible. He looks slow and old. I would rather have Marvin White in there making mistakes and learning than have to watch Dexter Jackson get beat deep, or pile on as the 4th person to make the tackle and be the first to celebrate. What is the point of having him in there at this point? He does not help and Marvin, "The Future," is not learning a damn thing except how to guard the water bottles.

What got me through the game.

Matt, my brother in law, took video footage of Brian, my other brother in law, singing and "dancing" in his bedroom. Easily some of the funniest stuff I have ever seen, and way more amusing than the game. As a matter of fact I kind of blanked out the entire third quarter laughing hysterically at the videos. All the sudden it was 28-6 Houston and I had reached a level of apathy that I thought I would never reach, I had just missed an entire quarter and I didn't even care. Not only that, but I would have rather been playing Guitar Hero World Tour that came out that day. WOW.


  1. Three and Outs; 4

Not covered. They only had three three and outs for the game. Not bad right? Add that to the three turnovers and it starts to get messy.

2. Special Teams Blunders; 3

Not covered. They only had one real glaring Special teams blunder that I can remember. But then again I did black out for a quarter. It was on the 4th play of the game where they allowed the Texans to return a punt for a touchdown.

3. Play Clock Blunders; 2

Again not covered. But as I said in my last post game blog, Marvin only likes to kill the time clock when the game was on the line. And anymore the game is over after the kickoff.

Game balls.

  1. Matt, for that awesome video footage of Brian singing and dancing.

  2. Jonathan Joseph, for reminding us that we are never too old, or get paid too much money to play two hand touch.

  3. My wife's crazy Aunt, who did not give the creepy back scratch to my father in law this weekend and saved me money in therapy bills later.

  4. Who ever TPed my in-laws house this weekend, well done!

Halfway to the dream 0-8. I am trying not to get excited, but I think they have a real shot at it now. Houston and Kansas City are the biggest obstacles this year to going 0-16 and we got by Houston in a big way. Since the Chiefs are the last game of the year I imagine this team to be so demoralized that they might not even show up, hell they are barely showing up now! The only excitement that I can muster for the rest of the year is to see who will win first the Bengals or the Lions. I give the edge to the Lions since they made a huge step this year and fired Matt Millen and the Bengals have yet to do a damn thing. keep that ship on a steady course Marvin, don't you dare rock the boat.

Friday, October 24, 2008

Cowher to the Bengals?

I think not. Over the last few weeks, due to Marvin's ineptitude and starting a franchise tying worst 0-7, I have heard rumblings about the possibilities of one Bill Cowher coaching in Cincinnati. Not only would hell have to freeze over, but the Devil would have to look something like this. Bill Cowher coaching in Cincinnati has about the same chance that a bunch of Ewoks have against a battalion of stormtroopers. Uh oh, bad example! But seriously this is a ridiculous thought there is no chance, 0%, of this happening. That is not to say that I don't have wet dreams about it, I do, but there are too many forces against this happening and only one good reason that I can see him actually doing it. Cowher has stated that he wants a team with an above average quarterback, when he said that I think that blind, deaf and dumb Cincinnati fans everywhere said, "hey, we have that!" Yes we do, but we have a multitude of issue that are working against us too.

  1. The Mike Brown factor. There is no way Bill and Mike could work together. Bill had the run of the show in Pittsburgh for years. Dan Rooney was that cool dad that handed you the keys at 16 and said "Have fun son!" For all intents and purposes it was your car, as long as you filled it up (drafted well), washed it (kept the players out of trouble), and kept up on the insurance and payments (won). And Bill did all of those things while driving that car in Pittsburgh. Mike Brown is like a bastard step father that you can never earn his trust or respect enough to sleep in the house, let alone drive the car. The closest you will ever get to driving the car is if you sneak in the drivers seat and pretend in the middle of the night, better clean off the prints though. The evidence of this was no more clear than when Mike Brown went behind Marvin's back and brought back Chris Henry. Clearly Mike does not care about the team or his coaches opinion. Mike could never handle giving up control, if he could then he would do the smart thing and hire a general manager to run this team and make personnel decisions.

  2. The ego factor. Bill was loved in Pittsburgh. Loved, revered, and borderline worshipped. He left that city a Super Bowl winning coach and had left Mike Tomlin a great team that Cowher had meticulously built. he had built that program so that he was never rebuilding, he was always reloading. So, to think that he would want to come to Cincinnati and deal with this mess is a little silly. I know that coaches are always looking for a new challenge, but I just don't see an established coach that went out on top to want to deal with this train wreck. Couple that with the fact that the Steelers and the Bengals HATE each other. Hate like Hatfields and McCoys, Veronas and Capulets, Democrats and Republicans, or the general public and porn-staches. There is no way Bill Cowher could coach a team, that he just as recently as three years ago, made fun of the who-dey chant. You vary rarely see coached, especially ones that quit on their terms, come back and coach in the same division, especially against a very heated rival. I mean it still has to be ingrained into Cowher to hate the Bengals right?

  3. The Marvin Lewis factor. I know there are few loyalties in the NFL and coaches, but Bill did give Marvin is start in Pittsburgh as a linebackers coach, and I know they still talk. I don't think they are best friends, but I don't know if Bill would feel right coming into a job that a man he gave a start to was just fired or forced to quit from. Plus knowing that they still talk, Bill has to know the giant pain in the ass Mike is to work under.

  4. The Money factor. This might be the most important reason and the driving factor for this not happening. There is no way Mike Brown will open his pocketbook and pay a head coach the money he deserves. Because Mike is delusional he thinks that he can find hidden talent anywhere and turn it into gold. For examples see; Chris Henry, Odell Thurman, Akili Smith, Jeff Rowe, and Jerome Simpson just to name a few. Marvin Lewis was no exception. He thought that he had discovered gold at the price of Formica. Sadly this is what he will do again when he decides that Marvin has cost him too much money. The irony, of course being, that it is Mike who is costing himself money. He will try to pluck some obscure coach out of nowhere that probably had a stacked roster and looked like a better coach than what he was instead of hiring someone with a track record and who is proven. Why? Because that would cost too much money. In looking at a variety of coaches and what I could find on their contracts I almost laughed a out loud as to what I think it would take to sign Bill Cowher here. Tony Dungy is making 13 million a year in Indianapolis. Mike Smith, a first year coach in Atlanta, is getting 8-10 million a year for 4 years. Of course he does have the luxury of Arthur Blank as an owner, who will throw money around like it is going out of style. Marvin is making somewhere close to 2 million a year and I doubt that Mike wants to pay too much over that for a head coach. In my estimate Bill would need at least 10-15 million to coach this team and as I stated before Mike would sooner lick a dog turn off Chad Ocho Cinco's shoe than spend that money on a head coach.

So there you have it, four great reasons, and I am sure there are more, as to why Bill Cowher can never coach in Cincinnati. Well, never is a strong word, perhaps if Mike Brown dies and Lord Godell re-organizes the divisions so that the Steelers and Bengals are no longer in the same division, then perhaps then Bill Cowher would consider coaching in Cincinnati.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Desperate times

So here we sit at 0-7, and there is no light at the end of the tunnel. Marvin is still here despite the worst start in his tenure as the Bengals head coach. And Mike Brown is still here because he is making money. If we look at just this year there have been 3 head coaches fired and one general manager fired, all for better or equal performances that Mike and Marvin had turned in. Lane Kiffen had Oakland at 1-3 before he was fired, Mike Nolan was just recently fired and had San Fransisco at 2-5, that of course is two more wins that Cincinnati has, Scott Linehan was 0-4 with St. Loius and then of course Matt Millen was finally fired in Detroit.

Sure you can make an argument that all those coaches had to go, but then why is Marvin Lewis still here in Cincinnati, has he not worn out his welcome? If not by only having one wining season six years, but then by his deplorable demeanor towards the fans and press. What Mike and Marvin have "built" here is just as bad as what Matt Millen has done to the Lions in Detroit. Matt Millen was the laughing stock of the NFL and probably won't be able to get a job organizing pee-wee football in Alaska, but somehow Mike and Marvin march on.

Where they have failed.
  1. The Draft. This is a team that is adamant about building through the draft. they tell people year after year that they do not spend money in the off season on free agents because they build through the draft, but how much have they actually been able to build? In looking at every Marvin draft they have only kept 44% of the players they drafted, 38% if you don't include this year in which they have kept 7 out of 9 picks. Lets break that down further, how many of the top 3 picks do they still have? I know you find gems late in the draft, but lets focus on they "can't miss guys" that are so key in the first three rounds. Not including this year they are averaging keeping 1 per draft. I think that it is time for the Bengals to re-thing their draft strategy. They need to focus on need and not the best player on the board. The only teams that can look at the best player are teams that don't have holes the size of moons like the Bengals do. they also need to not draft "projects" so early in the draft. Examples of drafting best player instead of need; Chris Perry, first round 2004 draft. We needed a corner back and Chris Gamble was on the board and we took Perry. Odell Thurman, second round 2005 draft. Did we need to take linebackers back to back in that draft? No, but they felt that he was too talented to pass up, where is he now? Frostee Rucker, third round 2006 draft. We drafted a defensive end the previous four years did we really need a defensive end for the third pick that year? Kenny Irons, second round 2007 draft. Did we really need to take a running back that early in the draft when we had Rudi Johnson, Chris Perry and Kenny Watson on the roster? Examples of taking project players too early; Mathais Askew, fourth round 2004 draft. Middle of the draft and Marvin takes on a project that could have waited, plus we had holes to fill and needs to be met, did we really have the luxury to throw away a pick on a project? Stacy Andrews, fourth round 2004 draft. I understand that he had three fourth round picks that year, but does that mean that two of them have to be project players? Get some damned value please. Jeff Rowe, fifth round 2007 draft. Drafting a young quarterback with Carson in his prime? Not only that but drafting a project of a quarterback in the fifth round when we desperately needed a defensive tackle, which we got in the next round and cut by the way. This will forever stand as one of the worst decisions that Marvin ever made. This is worse in my mind than the drafting of Chris Perry. Jerome Simpson, second round 2008 draft. Yes we needed a receiver, but a guy out of Costal Carolina, a division 1AA school? There were so many other guys on the board at that point that could have contributed sooner and might be better in the long run. Unfortunately the Bengals fell in love with this guys big hands and impressive long jump in the combine. We could have drafted him in the third or fourth round I am sure and got better value in the second round. Hell this team is 0-7 and have one of the worst offenses in the league, I think that we could have got something we needed instead of something that might or might not turn out in three years.
  2. Free Agency. The Bengals have done very little in free agency since Marvin has been here. Since 2003 the biggest names to come through here have been Sam Adams, Bryan Robinson, Nate Webster, Michael Myers, Bobbi Williams, Ben Utecht, and Antwan Odom. Who you say? You would not be the only one. The only one of those who have had any impact has been Bobbi Williams. The jury is still out on Odom and Utecht. But I don't think that it would hurt them to be a little more aggressive in free agency. I am not saying that they should go all Redskins on us, but there are impact players out there that we could use to help fill holes.
  3. Been burned on problem players. Mathais Askew, Odell Thurman, Chris Henry, AJ Nicholson, Reggie McNeal. That is six players between primarily two drafts. That is allot of players to loose for one reason or another and all at one time. They need to be a better judge of character, and to be honest I think that they are improving in this area, but still the sins of the past are haunting today. It takes a long time to get over almost a whole draft worth of players that are gone.
  4. Bad luck. The Bengals have had plenty of that. Going all the way back to Ki Jana and Akili. But more recently; Dennis Weathersby, Chris Perry, David Pollack, Adam Kieft, Ethan Kilmer, Kenny Irons, Keith Rivers. All guys that have suffered injuries that cost them multiple seasons, or their careers. Again that is a whole draft worth of people and that is hard to come back from. This is the one area where I can honestly say that it is not Mike and Marvin's fault. Bad luck happens to everyone, but man does it ever seem to follow the Bengals around like a rain cloud.
I of course am not telling Bengals fans anything they didn't already know, but I had to get out my disgust for the direction, or lack there of, for this football team. There needs to be a change, Marvin is a start, but Mike needs to go too, or better yet, hire a GM. I know it will never happen, but there are plenty of football savoy people out there who can help steer this ball club in the right direction. I will officially throw my name in for consideration.

Monday, October 20, 2008

Bengals offense wears out Bengals defense.

No, this was not a scrimmage, although, I am sure I would have more to feel better about if it was. No it is just a simple matter of time of possession killing the Bengals. In six drives in the first half the Bengals punted 5 times, and those were all three and outs. At the end of the first half the Bengals only had the ball for about 10 minutes. That of course means that the defense was on the field for about 20 minutes. At the half we were looking at a 10-7 game in which the Steelers were winning of course, but it was much closer than I expected. But all that time on the field caught up to the Bengals defense in the second half. The Bengals defense was tired and showed it in the fourth quarter by giving up 21 points and turning a close game into a blow out.

What went wrong?

1. Well obviously 5 punts in their first 6 possessions was a glaring issue. Our old friend Dick Lebau had a field day with our offensive line. Fitzpatrick, you know the mobile quarterback, was sacked 7 times. Imagine if Palmer was back there he would have been murdered. Timmons, Woodley, and Harrison took turns sacking the quarterback, dropping running backs for losses and causing havoc for the 6’2” quarterback. I can only hope that the shut Palmer down and don’t force him to take snaps behind that dreadful offensive line. I don’t want Palmer going into the hall of fame in pieces.
2. The Steelers played more physical. They came out looking to punch someone in the face, unfortunately that person ended up being Keith Rivers, one of the few people on this team I enjoy watching. Hines Ward did exactly what you want your receivers to do, he threw a block and hit Rivers so hard that Keith was out the rest of the game and was bleeding from his mouth. And I just found out this morning that Keith is out for the season with a broken jaw. It was a clean hit and a good hit, I can only hope that Chad and TJ and Chris will see that in their film watching and decide to try that sometime, but you know all about old dogs and new tricks. Besides that one play the Steelers looked like they wanted to hurt someone, every tackle looked like it hurt, where as the Bengals had to miss several tackles before grabbing a shoe or forcing someone out of bounds. The best hit I saw from the Bengals was when Cedric Benson lowered his head and popped the helmet of Polamalu. When Troy got up it was clear he was out of it, as he grabbed onto Townsends jersey and had to be helped off the field. My wife was very excited, after watching Polamalu push Chad down after the play she would call Polamalu names the rest of the game, and when he got TKOed she had some choice words for him of which I will share later.
3. Special teams blunders. We gave the Steelers a short field to work with at least 4 times with horrible punts, one of which was 15 yards!
4. Inconsistent running game. Sure Cedric Benson averaged 3.7, which I am sure is the highest game average this year, but were we able to run when we needed it? And did we run enough? No is the answer, we only rushed 14 times and I think it was mostly at the end of the game. You have to establish the run early and then work in play action to try and keep someone as smart as Dick LeBau honest.

What went right?

1. Cedric Benson did manage to average 3.7 yards. While that is good, he only rushed 14 times. The Bengals still need to try and run more often to keep the offense out there and rest their defense.
2. Rookies got some snaps. Pat Sims, Andre Caudwell, Jerome Simpson all saw pretty valuable time in the game. Caudwell looked great returning kicks and Sims looked just as good on the defensive line. Sims was getting penetration that the defensive line has not seen since Tim Krumrie.
3. Tried to involve Chris Henry more. Chris had several balls thrown his way which was nice to see, but he did not capitalize several times. He needs to shake off that rust and get his head in the game.

Quotes of the game.

1. “Cedric Benson replaces the ineffective Chris Perry.”
That was one of the announcers at the beginning of the game. I find this funny because it you could replace Chris Perry with Barry Sanders and would have just about the same result. This line is NOT blocking for anything, I would say they wouldn’t block for a million dollars, but they are all making more than that.
2. “Good to see Cedric Benson all lathered up.”
That was Rich Gannon talking, obviously, about Cedric Benson, but I still do not understand what in the hell he was talking about. Never in my life have I heard one man refer to another man as being lathered up. It might have been in “Brokeback Mountain,” but I never saw it.
3. “Take that Ponomo, you bitch.”
That was Jesy after Cedric Benson hit Troy POLAMALU into next week. It was a running joke the whole game how she could not/would not pronounce Troy’s last name correctly.


1. Special Team Blunders; 3.5
Covered, hell they had 4 horrible punts, that alone was enough to cover.
2. Play clock blunders; 2
Did not cover, it would seem that Marvin only likes to waste time outs and get delay of game penalties when the game is on the line, which it wasn’t. It was close at the half though, so a little surprise there.
3. Announcers calling Bengals players by the wrong name because they don’t care; 2
Did not cover, I was pleasantly surprised that the announcers not only called all Bengals players by the correct name, but did not really bash the Bengals either, refreshing.


Clearly I was wrong and I will be the first to admit it. I said that if Mike Zimmer could get this defense in the top 15 that we would have a playoff caliber team. That, of course, was when we had a top 10 offense as well. Going into the game the Bengals defense was ranked 16th, the highest it has been since Marvin has been here. Clearly signing Mike was a good call, not to say there have not been defensive lapses, but game by game I feel more confident in them. I would have been happy with a top 20 defense at the end of the year and it looks like Mike will deliver. My biggest concern is what happened this week. The defense looked great the first half, but they were on the field for 20 minutes and you could tell by the fourth quarter they were dead on their feet, hence the Steelers were able to throw 21 points on the board in 10 minutes. I can only hope that this off season they take the time to evaluate the offense that has been stagnant since the middle of last year and focus on drafting players we need and not the best available.

Anyone notice Steven Jackson run all over Dallas on Sunday? 25 carries for 160 yards and three touchdowns, which is a 6.4 average. You know the same Steven Jackson we passed on twice to draft the “ineffective” Chris Perry. I’m just saying.

David Jones had a hard time catching Hines Ward?! Hines is a good receiver and a hell of a soldier, but I think that I am faster than he is. How is it that David Jones was not able to catch him? The more I watch David Jones, the more concerned I get.

Game balls.

1. Pat Sims. Was physical and was getting penetration, I want to see more of this guy.
2. Andre Caudwell. Looked great returning the ball.
3. Me. For watching that whole game.
4. Bengals fans. For not being afraid to boo a horrible team.
5. Cedric Benson. Running downhill and giving Troy Polamalu snot bubbles.

Well almost halfway through the season and the Bengals are an impressive 0-7. And although Houston did try to let Detroit win on Sunday by giving up 11 points in the fourth quarter, the Lions are still winless at 0-6. But 0-7 is still better, plus they beat the Bengals in pre-season. That number one draft pick that we are bound to screw up is looking better and better. Who Dey? Anybody.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

No deals at the deadline.

I know it is a rare occasion for big trades to happen in the NFL, especially in the middle of the season. But this is where I think baseball is smarter than football. In baseball you see a flurry of trades at the deadline, normally involving players that have expiring contracts and teams that are not in contention deal high priced, or expiring players that they know they can't sign to teams that need that one piece for a playoff run. For example the Reds, having no real hope of making the playoffs, traded Ken Griffey Jr., and Adam Dunn near the deadline and got a few prospects for them. Both the Diamondbacks(Dunn), and the White Sox (Griffey) were looking at the playoffs. Enter the Bengals, who clearly have no shot at going to the playoffs, unless they run the table and that is just not possible, not with this team. So, with no shot at the playoffs and with a need to either free up money or get more draft picks to save the ailing team the Bengals do nothing at the trade deadline.

Like I said I am not totally surprised since NFL teams are content to just let a free agent walk in the off season and not get anything for him. But here is what bothers me and I have suspicions. The Dallas Cowboys and the Detroit Lions made a deal, and if you ask me the Lions made off HUGE. The Lions got a 1st, 3rd, and 6th round draft pick for Roy Williams, a wide receiver that they were probably not going to re-sign after this year anyway. The Lions are in the same situation that the Bengals are in, they are win less, have no shot at the playoffs, have a good wide receiver that they will not re-sign, and allot of holes to fill through the draft. I am not sure who called who, but I still say the Lions made off like bandits.

The Cowboys, while I am not surprised that they made a move, made a bad one. Jerry Jones loves to hit that panic button just like George Steinbrenner in New York does. The problem with both men, while they are passionate to win and I respect that, however, they don't always go get what they need. Jerry made a deal with the Lions and gave away three draft picks on one draft to get a wide receiver on a team that already has one of the top three receivers in the league in Terrell Owens. The defense is what has been killing Dallas this year, not the offense. I guess a 50 year old Zach Thomas at middle linebacker was not the answer! Every game I have seen Dallas play, they have put up plenty of points and seemed to move the ball well on offense. They have one great quarterback, running back, one great tight end, one hall of fame receiver, and another good change of pace back. The only issue maybe that their quarterback, Tony Romo, is not out 4 weeks with a broken pinky. Probably trying to give Jessica the shocker. But again they didn't trade for a quarterback, they went out and got a receiver that they really didn't need. The "experts are calling this a good trade for Dallas, but I think it was a bad move. I think that they could possibly salvage the deal if they can lock up Roy Williams for 4 years, but if they can not work out a deal then it was a total bust of a trade.

But here is where this trade really effects me, who called who? Did Dallas call Detroit, or did Detroit call Dallas? Who cares? I do. If Dallas was calling around then you know that they called the Bengals to discuss Chad or TJ. And TJ is in the same spot with the Bengals that Roy was in with the Lions, contract is up at the end of the year and the team has not made an effort to re-negotiate. And if Dallas did call and offered the same thing to the Bengals why in the hell didn't they jump on it? I would have preferred to trade Chad and free up some cash and resign TJ. I know TJ is older, but he does things that Chad can't/won't, like block, go over the middle, and catch a crucial third down pass. But if it came down to it I would even be willing to part ways with TJ in order to get all those draft picks since this season is a wash anyway. At 0-6 you might want to starting looking towards the future.

Just for giggles I looked up some numbers to compare the three wide receivers that I have mentioned. To build anticipation I will give them fake names and there will be no bias. Well there will be a bias from the names that I give them, but I had to be funny.

  1. Injury McDropsalot. Over four years he has averaged 913 yards, 7 touchdowns, and played 13.75 games. Age = 26

  2. Consistant McToughnuts. Over four years has averaged 1040 yards, 8 touchdowns and played 15 games. Age = 31

  3. Gatorarm McQuick. Over four years has averaged 1379 yards, 8 touchdowns and 16 played in 16 games. Age = 30

Now it would seem to me that either Consistant or Gatorarms would be a better option for the sheer fact that they play in more games. You are getting more for your money. The only upside that Injury has is that he is younger, but as we all know younger doesn't mean more talented. For clarification....

  1. Injury = Roy Williams

  2. Consistant = TJ Houshmandzadeh

  3. Gatorarm = Chad Johnson

Now doesn't it seem more odd that Dallas would give up all of those draft picks for that guy? Are you ready for even more of a shocker? Randy Moss was traded from Oakland to the Patriots for a fourth round pick! Randy freaking Moss, who will in all likely hood be in the hall of fame. Easily one of the best receivers of our generation and the Patriots got him for a fourth round pick, ONE fourth round pick. When I first thought about this I blew my own mind, so I will give you a moment to regroup from that mental bomb I just dropped on you..............

Something to keep in mind of course is that it was Oakland, a terrible franchise run by a senile old man in Al Davis, that traded Randy to the Patriots, who are run by Bob Kraft one of the smartest executives in all of football. It would be like Lenny, from "Of Mice and Men," trying to match wits with Bill Gates.

So in conclusion the Lions get three additional draft picks for next year, and since they are just as terrible as the Bengals, they will have a top three pick on their own and I am looking at Dallas to sneak into the playoffs as a wild card team, but not much further, so they will also get a middle of the road pick as well. Dallas gets a good receiver, I will not call him great, to crowd an already crowded offense. And the Bengals did nothing, as usual, to better their team either for now or for the future. I have no idea what happened, if Mike Brown really does hate Jerry that much, because we all know Mike is stubborn enough, if Jerry never even called Mike, or if Detroit was the instigator. But I do know that if Matt Millen was still in Detroit none of this would have happened. I miss you already Matt, since you are gone the Lions might have a chance to get better, which means the Bengals are again the laughing stock of the NFL.

Monday, October 13, 2008

Brett Farve vs. The Bengals.

Strange title don't you think? I can here some of you saying, "Weren't the Bengals playing the Jets?" And you would be right to ask that, but after watching the game I, myself, was confused. First you have the issue that for the second time this year the Jets wore their throw back jerseys. The one representing the Titans, the original Jets franchise name. This of course is confusing for several reasons, one the team colors are totally different and there is currently a Titans franchise in the NFL. I can't tell you how many times the idiot announcers butchered the actual team name. But the main reason is the announcers love affair with Brett Farve. And I don't mean just one or two of them, I mean all of them. Was there some addendum in the off season that said if Brett Farve comes back the media as a whole has to act like they all want to bear his children? Most of the time I forgot there was a game even going on, I just thought it was the Brett Farve show, or some weird reality show that had all three announcers trying to win Brett Farve's heart. I was waiting for Brett to call up to the booth and tell them that he was looking for some hot sweaty man sex and to have Dick Enburg, Dan Fouts, and Randy Cross all to get in a fight trying to get down to Brett first. I think that Randy would have literally jumped out the window and crowd surfed all the way down to him in order to win.

The most disturbing part of the "For love of Brett," was listening to the announcers spill "facts" like how it is so rare for Brett Farve to throw interceptions like he did on Sunday.

  • As of the 2008 season:
    1) Brett Favre - 288

2) George Blanda - 277

3) John Hadl - 268

4) Vinny Testaverde - 267

5) Fran Tarkenton - 266

Yeah clearly he never throws interceptions. Not only has he thrown the most EVER by a quarterback, no active quarterback is even close, and Brett gets to just keep adding to the total because he loves to try to throw the ball where it doesn't need to go. Both of the interceptions that he threw Sunday didn't have to happen, but Brett is too big of a man to back down from that challenge, or at least that is what Randy Cross tells himself every night before he goes to bed. Some of the other "facts" were real gems too. Like, "Brett has thrown for over 35 miles in his career." Well shit I hope so, the man is like 75 years old, if he hadn't then he would be even worse that I already think he is. Look the fact of the matter is yes, he has thrown allot of touchdowns, he has thrown for allot of yards, and there was once a time when he was a great quarterback. He is now slightly above average and if he had not accumulated all of those records in a career that has spanned something like 12 decades then he would really suck. Of course don't tell that to all his boyfriends in the media, and if Madden ever reads this article I had better watch the hell out, he might go get Randy and Dan and come after me. I can see it now, Madden backing me into a corner and yelling nonsensical things with sound effects and just muttering Brett Farve's name over and over again until I pass out. Then his eyebrows will envelop me and I will become part of John Madden's forehead.

Now that I have that out of my system I can talk a little bit about the game, you know what I remember in between Randy and Dick gushing all over Brett Farve. There was not much to talk about that i have not already talked to death, so I will just try to hit some of the highlights in order to get through this blog without depressing myself into a suicidal state.

  1. On the Jets second possession we gave them 8 tries in the red zone to score. It was a comedy of errors on both sides, but the best was on 3rd and 19 the Bengals commit an illegal contact and give the Jets a whole new set of downs to work with.

  2. The Bengals were owned at the line of scrimmage on both sides of the ball. Offensively they gave up 5 sacks to a mobile quarterback and they could not run the ball to save their lives. Benson and Perry combined for a 1.8 rushing average. Defensively they were a siv on the run, as per usual. It was not so much the yardage, the Jets only managed 3.2 on average on the ground, the difference was that the Jets were able to do it when they needed to. Five of our top ten tackle leaders were defensive backs, not a good sign.

  3. Special teams were a disaster as usual. I will touch on this more later, but how hasn't the special teams coach not been fired yet? Was it me or did it seem like the Jets were always starting with a short field?

Quote of the game.

"If you give Brett Farve that much time, you had better get your head examined. You better blitz and get after him if you expect to win."

That was Dan Fouts. As we all know Dan was really just talking about how he wishes he could "get after" Brett Farve, but it brings up an interesting point and one that I have discussed ad-nasium. If you want to win you have to blitz successfully. The Bengals were able to pull off two blitzes the entire game, the rest of the time Brett had ten years to throw the ball. How did the Patriots beat the Colts? How did the Giants beat the Patriots? They got to the quarterback, arguabley two of the greatest quarterbacks of our generation, and made them make mistakes. Then Bengals and their two scouts have not figured this out yet.


  1. Special team blunders +/- 2.5

  • Fair catch inside the 5 yard line

  • Offsides on Punt

  • Gave up huge yardage in punt returns in just the 3rd quarter, 36 off two punts.

  • Gave up huge yardage on 2nd Kickoff, 46 yards.

So it looks like the Bengals covered the spread easily this week, might have to raise that to at least three for next week!

2. Throwing short of the first down marker +/- 3

  • 3-18 pass for 8 yards

  • 3-7 incomplete pass and a penalty for kicks

  • 3-4 sack

  • 3-16 run for 10 yards

  • 3-1 run for -1 yards

  • 3-10 sack

  • 3-5 incomplete pass

  • 3-5 incomplete pass

  • 3-15 run for 2 yards

  • 3-11 pass for 10 yards

Wow, not only did they cover, but they killed the spread. Judging by just how terrible the Bengals are on third down I think that the Bengals should just save time and hassle and punt on third down. I can hear it now, "Third and two and here come Larson to punt the ball away."

3. Play clock blunders +/- 2

Shocking there were no glaring play clock disasters this week, sad because this is the area I can almost guarantee every week, come on Marvin don't you dare start coaching this team, not now, not on the brink of being the worst team ever in the NFL.


And then there were two. St. Louis and Houston both won their games, which leaves just Cincinnati and Detroit as the winless teams in the NFL. Is it a coincidence that both Jon Kitna and Rudi Johnson, both former Bengals are on that team? I thought our biggest rival for NFL's worst team and possibly going 0-16 was St. Louis, but it looks like we will have to fend off Detroit for that distinction. I think that if both teams end up 0-16 somehow that there need to be a playoff. You can have it as the half time show at the Pro Bowl, since none of the players from either team deserve to go. There needs to be a definitive worst team. Of course my big concern is that Marvin might still be confused and think that this is a good team. he did not make one play clock blunder all game! What the hell is that? Is he trying to win? This guy hasn't show a penchant for winning all year and suddenly he is not making mistakes? This concerns me greatly. What happens if next week he not only doesn't make any play clock mistakes, but doesn't give up 800 yards on special teams? No now he is not wasting plays and time, but he is winning the field position battle too, can you say "Gulp?"

Dear Marvin Lewis,

Please stop trying to convince people you can coach. It is scaring me and giving me doubts as to the validity of this team going 0-16. you are the biggest X-factor out there and we need you to continue to mis-manage the play clock, make weird constipated looks on the sidelines, worry more about Chad Ocho Cinco than players that actually deserve attention, throw red challenge flags on stupid plays that really don't matter, let our punt and kickoff coverage team not cover, convince our punt returners to fair catch inside the 5, demean media and fans by calling them ignorant, stupid, insipid, and tell them that they don't know football while laughing strangely. it always means more coming from you. The pieces are in place, we have an untalented young defense that loves to give up big plays, an unmotivated line that would sooner let their quarterback get a broken nose than block for 5 seconds, a huge distraction in a wide receiver that makes the most money at his position and still complains, running backs that can't run, and another wide receiver that can't stay out of jail. All we need from you is to continue to do your job and do nothing to fix any of it and keep that dream of 0-16 alive. Don't you dare go all Bill Belichick on me.

Cordially yours,

George Herron

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Ridin' Crazy.......with Matt.

For all you thrill seekers out there I have a new extreme sport for you, ride in a car with Matt Wenstrup. Never in my life have I gone through feeling like I wanted to throw up, to anger, to sheer adrenaline, to wanting to hide under my seat all in the matter of a few seconds. It would be like getting on a roller coaster that you just watched someone die on.

Let me say that I knowingly and willing got in a car with him, I of course have no reason as to why I keep doing this to myself, but I was under my own volition. It was supposed to be a simple trip downtown and back to run an errand, but it instead turn into an adventure that made me consider drafting my last will and testament.

First off the kid has the attention span of a fruit fly, if he is not cycling through the radio like it was some sort of speed contest then it was weaving in and out of traffic like the car was on fire. Of course he is doing all this while his head is on some sort of swivel, every time I dare to open my eyes and look over his head is turning and pivoting all around in order to find another spot with about a millimeter to spare and squeeze his car in it. I will admit it is impressive, he seems to know by sight the exact length of his car, because he will not hesitate to shove it into a spot that barely give him room. Hell if we got any closer to most of those cars we would have had some strange hybrid car of theirs and ours. We get to our destination in one piece, I would say safely, but as you can tell safety was clearly NOT the word of the day. So I uncurled from the fetal position and wiped the mix of tears and throw up off my face and laid on the ground just to make it stop moving. I thought that it might be a good idea to turn to religion. I thought that I should actually thank God, Buddha, Ala, Moses, or whoever Jews worship for making sure that I got here OK and also have them all watch over me on the return trip since it will take ALL of them to get me home I am sure.

After the errand it was time for the return trip, or as I call it, the journey back through hell. If you would ever want to see what it is like to see a rabid animal caged, watch Matt in traffic. He is aggressive, fidgety, anxious, impatient, hell there aren't enough adjective to go around. At one point we were behind a lady on a cell phone that was lagging behind the car in front of her by about 30-40 yards while in a traffic jam. Matt did at least honk his horn lightly a couple times to get her to move, but impatience took over and Matt got in the shoulder and whipped around her in a move that Nascar drivers might not have made. Somewhere Dale Earnheart is rolling in his grave.

As we arrived home I again peeled myself off of the car seat and ran inside so that I may change out of my urine and shit stained boxers. For the next 24 hours I felt like I was still in the car. If I sat down it was like an acid flashback, I was suddenly back in Matt's car zooming around at about mach 20 and everything is a blur. Now if you will excuse me I am going to go throw up.

Thursday, October 9, 2008

Good Eats

Yesterday marked three years of marital bliss between me and Jess. As usual we decided to spoil ourselves a little and went to one of the Jeff Ruby restaurants. We had already been to The Precinct, and Carlo and Johnny, so this year on the advice of Mo we decided to go to Jeff Ruby's in downtown Cincinnati. It, of course, did not disappoint. As I was thinking about it last night I really wanted to know which was the best, so I started to devise a point system in order to declare a winner. Here are the results.


  1. The Precinct. The worst of the group, and really not good at all. When we were seated I felt like I was sitting on the lap's of the table next to me. I mean you would have been hard pressed to squeeze Laura Flynn Boyle in between our tables. Very cramped and not as intimate as you would like for an anniversary dinner. If Jess had whispered that she wasn't wearing any underwear, the whole restaurant would have known about it.

  2. Jeff Ruby's. More room, but still a little stuffy. After an original seating debacle, which I will get to later, we were placed in a booth that was too large, but we made due. Lighting was good, but it almost seemed to much like a bar with a restaurant built around it.

  3. Carol and Johnny. Inside was very spacious and never once did I feel that I was playing footsie with anyone else in the restaurant, well besides my wife of course. The lighting was a little dark, but not so that I could not find my food, as long as I concentrated. Jess and I could have talked about any number of things, like how I planned to kill my dog and I did not have to worry about the people next to us calling animal control.

Winner here was Carlo and Johnny, but Jeff Ruby's was not horrible, a close second. The Precinct was in a VERY distant third here.

The Food.

  1. Carlo and Johnny. Not to say there food was bad, it certainly was not, but it was the worst of the three. The steak was outstanding, but I would not say it was better than the other two. The part that I felt that they failed on was the macaroni and cheese as a side dish. The waiter raved about it, if I hadn't known I would have thought it was Macaroni that God himself had made. Well if God did make it then he and Emeril need to have a talk, it tasted more like Mac and cheese with a hint of throw up.

  2. Jeff Ruby's. Again food was not bad at all, it was freaking great. The steak was perfect, it was rare, but still warm in the middle, I mean PERFECT. As a side we got the mashed potatoes and they were glorious. They were garlic mashed potatoes, which I didn't remember reading, so it was a pleasant surprise and it was not over bearing at all, just a hint. And to top it off they gave us a HUGE slice of cheese cake for free for our anniversary.

  3. The Precinct. Over all it may not have been the best food, but it was the first. Like having sex for the first time, it was probably a disaster and lasted about ten seconds, but you will remember it forever. The first time I put that steak in my mouth it was what I would call an oral orgasm. It was manna. It was like Jesus had blessed the cow that I was eating. To this day I compare every hunk of meat to the one I had that day at The Precinct, and so far nothing even comes close. In my mind it is perfection. Not only that, but the dish was called the "Levi Jones." How cool was it to order a Bengal?! I desperately wanted to order the "Carson Palmer", but the Levi was bigger and god knows my fat ass needed the most! I believe the side was a mashed potato as well, but it was more of a home made that had bit of potato in it still. It was good, but not nearly as good as Jeff Ruby's.

Winner is the Precinct, and probably due to the fact that it was my first. Over all I think the best food was Jeff Ruby's, but the steak was the best at The Precinct, only slightly of course.


  1. Carlo and Johnny. The waiter was a dirty liar. He was the one that talked about the macaroni and cheese like it would cure cancer, and instead it was like choking down a mixture of baby vomit and dog turd. Shame on you waiter. Also I remember my drink glass being empty and having to wait a while before getting a refill. Normally I would not care that much, but if I am paying that kind of money my glass should never be empty, hell for that kind of money, they should just give you an i.v. drip for your drink.

  2. The Precinct. Not a bad experience and there were no liars that I remember, but there was nothing that stood out either. It was just a normal restaurant experience with no incidents.

  3. Jeff Ruby's. The waiter was phenomenal. He was very personable, very funny and he knew his stuff. At one point I heard him explaining something to another table and he said, "We put butter in the butter and then in the potatoes." Hilarious!

Winner; Jeff Ruby's. it was not even a contest. It was like Ruby's was Tyson and the rest were Spinks. Another side note, these restaurants are definitely geared for men. At every location the host/hostess was a petite little girl and all were super cute and the bartenders were women as well, always dressing nice, but slightly revealing. Something tells me Jeff himself made this a mandate!

Area of Town.

  1. The Precinct. Down off Route 50 before you get to downtown, kind of close to the East End Cafe. Not the best part of town and especially at night. I would not like Jess walking around by herself down there. The area is getting better and is building up, but still has a long way to go.

  2. Carlo and Johnny. Off Montgomery Rd in Montgomery. Very safe and quite a long driveway makes it seem a little remote and removed, it was nice.

  3. Jeff Ruby's. Downtown and not the best location, although it is on the corner which makes valet parking easy. it would be nicer I think if it was a little more downtown, closer to the stadiums, but all in all not bad. I like downtown too, I just wish there was more reason to go down there or stay down there!

Winner; Jeff Ruby's, but it was close with Carlo and Johnny. I like to be able to go downtown and have the big buildings and it is always just a cool experience, now if downtown Cincy was cool, there would be no contest!


The moment you have all been waiting for, the undisputed winner, at least until next year when we go to the Waterfront. Scoring a ten and your winner; Jeff Ruby's. The Precinct and Carlo and Johnny both get sevens, although just for the atmosphere I would lean towards Carlo and Johnny. Again I want to note that for the food you can not really go wrong at any place, but for my money I would go back to Jeff Ruby's first.

Bon apetite everyone.

Monday, October 6, 2008

Messin' with B.

So not only was this Sunday a testament to failure for the Bengals, but the Herron family were winners. Jesy brought home the coveted best chili award from the Annual Wenstrup family chili cook off. And thank God for that, because besides messing with my younger brother in law, Brian, and the chili the day was an epic failure as far as the Bengals are concerned. Fortunately, at this point I not only am used to the Bengals losing, I am rooting for them to loose, I desperately seeking that ever elusive 0-16. It was hard though this week; 1. I HATE the cowboys, I have hated them ever since they had Emmit (I am over rated because of my offensive line) Smith and that crack head Micheal Irving. So rooting for them to win was tough, I just had to keep convincing myself that I was rooting for the Bengals to lose not the Cowboys to win. 2. The Bengals gave me hope again in the fourth quarter by getting close and making me think that they might actually win. I found myself rooting for them, it was such a strange conflict. It was like the first time I saw "Empire Records," I know I liked it, but I had to refrain because it was my wife's favorite movie, and by law I have to hate movies and music she likes. But of course, in typical Bungal fashion, they dashed the hope of winning just as it was in sight. So let's recap the day starting at the beginning shall we?

I show up to the Wenstrup's wearing Boston Red Sox gear, jersey and hat. Eyebrows were raised, questions were asked. Let me explain;
  1. I wanted to support a team that WANTS to win. They want to win from Theo Epstein, their general manager, all the way to the cleaning crew, most of which I am sure don't even speak English, but they know if the Sox win they get a nice little bonus.
  2. Have I always been a Red Sox fan? No, but I became one, and not because they suddenly got good. I have ALWAYS hated the Yankees. HATE. I hate them so much that I wore all the same Red Sox gear to a Yankees game in the Bronx. I did have to take it off around the 5th inning because drunkards were threatening my life and I felt that they meant what they were saying. And when I saw how much the Red Sox hated the Yankees it made me start to like them more an more.
  3. Then I went to Fenway and watched a game. It was like a religious experience, or your first orgasm, nothing can really put into words the pure joy and ecstasy of watching a game at this place. It is like a devote Catholic meeting the Pope, or a Jew getting to nail Jesus to the cross, or my dog finally catching his tail. It is Mecca for baseball fans.
  4. Bill Simmons is rubbing off on me. I first discovered him reading page 2 on espn.go.com and loved the way he wrote. He is a big Boston honk, since he is from there and being that I try to read everything he puts out he has slightly influenced me.
I do hope that clears up why I was wearing Red Sox gear and why I do like them so much. So of course after answering a series of those questions I had to answer the question of why I did not make a chili this year. Since two years ago I was the winner and last year I came in second place by one vote. I could lie here and say it was because I did not want to kick my wife's ass and embarrass her chili, but that would be FALSE. Well only a little false, I mean if I let her have victories like this it pays off for me later, and if you do not know what that means then you are not old enough to be reading this. The real reason was because I was called a sore loser recently by an individual who I did not see it coming from, and which will remain nameless. Since being called this I have taken a vow of celibacy towards competition. It saddens me, but I don't want to be known as that guy either. Sad because I would have kicked the crap out of all those chili's!

So after the series of the same two questions from everyone I was ready to sit down and start to watch the game. As the pre-game show is going on I can hear Brian, again my younger brother in law, asking everyone he sees if they will be his corn-hole partner. Keep in mind that in some cases he is not waiting for an answer he is just asking everyone he sees. Also keep in mind that I have been coming to this event for 7 years and we NEVER pick partners, we draw cards, which makes him asking literally everyone, except Jesy, hilarious. I just sit back an smile knowing that in about 5 minutes when this game starts that I might not smile again for 3 hours.

The Game.
Glen Holts takes the Kickoff and the game is essentially over. They are just going to play this one for practice. First play of the game Palmer throws one of the worst passes I have ever seen him throw for an interception. Thankfully and unexpectedly the Bengals D hold Dallas to a field goal.

Next Dallas series they are faced with a 4th and 4, and since they have watched game tape and have a scouting department they know that the Bengals can't normally play good defense for three downs let alone four so the go for it of course. The law of averages play out well since they turned 4th and 4 into 7 points and a 10-0 lead.

The rest of the half was actually pretty boring and disappointing. Dallas goes into the locker room winning 17-6. The Bengals just love to get down in the red zone and score field goals. I was more disappointed though with Dallas, I expect the Bengals to F-up near the end zone, it is like their Kryptonite, but Dallas only put up 17 at the half?!? I was expecting at least 50. That got me to thinking why would they only have 17?
  1. Tony Romo wants his relationship with Jessica Simpson to be over. Follow me on this one, Tony doesn't want to be the bad guy and have to dump her, so he tanks the first half and only throws to T.O. once in order to get T.O. fired up and call him gay for not throwing him the ball. After last week and now the first half of this week you know that T.O. is just waiting to Tony's shower adventures with Jason Witten. Once that leaks out of course Jessica will dump him and he and Jason can live happily ever after. Just a theory.
  2. Jerry Jones bet the all the new stadium money on the Bengals this week and took the points.
  3. Wade Phillips is not a good coach, not a guess just a fact.

During half time I notice a commercial for Survivor, that show is still on? Does anyone still care? Show me a reality show where it is actually a reality show and I might watch. What kind of suspense is there to these shows? Will a T.V. company really let people die? I say find Buffalo Bill and throw a few "survivors" down in his little well and have them survive him cross dressing and wearing lipstick, good luck!

The third quarter is more of the same terribleness from the Cowboys, are the all hung over? I mean they really looked like crap. I was worried that for a while I was going to have to explain how the Cowboys lost, the Bengals did not win, thank God the Bengals remembered that they were the Bengals.

In order to spice things up, since the game was boring me to tears, I saw that Brian had put his plate of wings on the porch railing, so I climbed into the bushes and stole them when he wasn't looking. You could see him up on the desk looking around aimlessly and then he just looked at the ground and said "crap." It took everything I had not to lose it. Then he start to "interrogate" everyone near by about his wings, he would point to the railing ans tell people that they were right there a second ago. Then again while no one was looking I put them back in the same place and my mother in law saw them and Brian looked like Jesus Christ had just shown up, he had no idea what was going on. And that got me through the third quarter of boringness.

The fourth quarter started off with a bang, and I don't mean on the field, it was at this time that the ever creepy back scratch showed up. Many of you do not know what I mean, so I will explain. My mother in law has a sister that is off the charts weird. She is a person that you would have to ask if they were dropped allot as a kid, or if they ate paint chips when they were little. And whatever you do, DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT get stuck by yourself talking to her. She can breathe through her eyelids, she never stops talking and it is ridiculous stuff. Jesy made the mistake of leaving me alone with her a few times when we first started dating, I was traumatized. Now the back scratching, she will always without fail find my father in law, her sisters husband mind you, and use her nails to make love to his back. It is the weirdest thing I have ever seen, she always has this strange smile on her face while doing it too, like it is satisfying her in some way. As I am typing this I am getting chills of disgust and might throw up on the keyboard. This is a tradition that needs to stop, I just keep hoping that Carol will drink enough one time and see that weird smile and punch her in the face. Entertainment and justice all in one.

The Bengals get cute in the fourth quarter and call an onside kick that no one saw coming and they recovered it! Again instill some false hope in fans everywhere. No to worry though again in typical Bungal fashion Chris Perry fumbles the ball for the 5th time this year and Dallas recovers which then leads to a Dallas touchdown and again puts the game out of reach.

  1. Bengals receivers do not block. Hell they barely manage to get in the way.
  2. Marvin again does not disappoint, he uses a timeout with 2:06 left on the clock. Really you cant wait 6 seconds to call a play that won't work anyway? What the hell was the point of that timeout? You wait 6 seconds and you get the two minute warning anyway, Christ!
  3. Patrick Crayton cannot catch a ball thrown right to him, but he can catch a tipped pass in the end zone for a touch down to seal the game for Dallas, well done good sir.
  4. The Dallas offense overall. I wanted 70+, a-holes.
  5. Why was there no fight? Why was Chris Henry not on the field more? I think that it was some sort of conspiracy, I wanted fireworks and instead got Chris Henry on the field for like five plays. Sad, just sad.
Quote of the game.
Rick: "Brian, why aren't you inside playing with your Wii?"

Brian: "Because my friend left already."

Game balls.
  1. Marvin Lewis. For debacling the play clock again and for keeping this team on track and focused on 0-16.
  2. Jesy. For winning the Chili cook off.
  3. Kevin and Kat. For winning the corn-hole tournament.
  4. Keith Rivers. The only player besides Ndukwe that is playing with purpose.
  5. Brian. For "finding" his wings.
  6. George Sr. He brought Lemon Torte and I was eating it out of the pan by the end of the game literally.
Another chili cook off comes and goes, a smaller crowd this year, but just as much fun. Along with that another Bengals loss, well done boys, you gave us all a little scare, but you pulled through in the end like I knew you could.

Quick Shout out to Beth and Sue, thanks for reading guys!

Friday, October 3, 2008

What to look for this weekend....

There are several intriguing things to look forward to this weekend even if you are a Bengals fan. I know that the Bengals have to go out and play the Cowboys, easily one of the best teams in the NFC, but do not despair Bengals fans, instead look at these story lines.

  1. Chris Henry vs. Adam "The delinquent formally known as Pacman" Jones. I was going to save this for my last bullet point, but I am so excited that I had to talk about it right away. This might be the battle to end all battles! Will there be guns? Shivs? Will one or the other convince his "homies" to ambush the other one in the showers after the game? Who really knows? What I do know is that the anticipation is killing me. Also, be on the look out in the news for prison riots. I think that the crips and the bloods are a thing of the past, I think that the future of gangs are the Henry's and the Jones'. Like something out of "West Side Story!" Requirements for being in the Henry gang are; Wearing a Chris Henry jersey while firing a gun in the air, serving alcohol to minors, throwing beer bottles at valets and having pot on you at all times. To be in the Jones gang is easier and more fun, you just have to do it allot more often. You have to go to night clubs and violate all kinds of women in all kinds of different ways, and carry pot on you at all times as well. I can see it now, Chris Henry is going to score a touchdown after Pacman blows coverage(and a .8 on the breathalyzer) and there will be an "incident" in prison yards every where between the rival gangs. This game will start Armageddon.

  2. Drinking games. Want to get wasted? Here are a few ways to do that quickly during this game. Do a shot every time the Bengals give up a sack(N/A if Fitzpatrick is the quarterback), do a shot every time the Cowboys score, do a shot every time the Bengals punt, Do a shot every time Chad or T.O. throw a fit after gator arming a ball thrown to them, do a shot every time Marvin Lewis mis-manages the clock. If you just choose one category you will get blasted, try for a hat trick and you will be in a coma, try to be an iron man and do a cover all of the categories and you will die, plain and simple.

  3. Cedric Benson vs. Chris Perry. A battle of futility. First of all the line won't block for either back unless they bribe them. Hell the same group of guys let their quarterback, their leader, get a broken nose and a banged up elbow and haven't flinched. Secondly neither one of these backs are as good as they were in college. Perry is coming off like 20 seasons of being injured and Benson hasn't played since being cut by the Bears. They should change the term of Mr. irrelevant to who ever is toting the rock for the Bengals.

  4. Marvin Lewis gets canned watch. There is still not much talk about Marvin being in the hot seat, but if the 'Boys are up by 50 at half time let the hand ringing begin!

  5. If you are into the Bible, this is very depictive of David vs. Goliath. Goliath being Jerry Jones, clearly part of the HAVES in the NFL. He has money and spends it, he is in one of the bigger markets for the NFL and is the owner of America's team. Mike Brown is a have not, he has no football sense, no inclination to spend money, no commitment to make his team any better, and he is in a small market. Sadly this will not quite end the way it does in the bible. Goliath will CRUSH David and still rule supreme.

So there you have it some reasons to watch the god-awful blood bath that will occur Sunday a 1:00 pm. Enjoy and look for my post game notes!