Monday, October 6, 2008

Messin' with B.

So not only was this Sunday a testament to failure for the Bengals, but the Herron family were winners. Jesy brought home the coveted best chili award from the Annual Wenstrup family chili cook off. And thank God for that, because besides messing with my younger brother in law, Brian, and the chili the day was an epic failure as far as the Bengals are concerned. Fortunately, at this point I not only am used to the Bengals losing, I am rooting for them to loose, I desperately seeking that ever elusive 0-16. It was hard though this week; 1. I HATE the cowboys, I have hated them ever since they had Emmit (I am over rated because of my offensive line) Smith and that crack head Micheal Irving. So rooting for them to win was tough, I just had to keep convincing myself that I was rooting for the Bengals to lose not the Cowboys to win. 2. The Bengals gave me hope again in the fourth quarter by getting close and making me think that they might actually win. I found myself rooting for them, it was such a strange conflict. It was like the first time I saw "Empire Records," I know I liked it, but I had to refrain because it was my wife's favorite movie, and by law I have to hate movies and music she likes. But of course, in typical Bungal fashion, they dashed the hope of winning just as it was in sight. So let's recap the day starting at the beginning shall we?

I show up to the Wenstrup's wearing Boston Red Sox gear, jersey and hat. Eyebrows were raised, questions were asked. Let me explain;
  1. I wanted to support a team that WANTS to win. They want to win from Theo Epstein, their general manager, all the way to the cleaning crew, most of which I am sure don't even speak English, but they know if the Sox win they get a nice little bonus.
  2. Have I always been a Red Sox fan? No, but I became one, and not because they suddenly got good. I have ALWAYS hated the Yankees. HATE. I hate them so much that I wore all the same Red Sox gear to a Yankees game in the Bronx. I did have to take it off around the 5th inning because drunkards were threatening my life and I felt that they meant what they were saying. And when I saw how much the Red Sox hated the Yankees it made me start to like them more an more.
  3. Then I went to Fenway and watched a game. It was like a religious experience, or your first orgasm, nothing can really put into words the pure joy and ecstasy of watching a game at this place. It is like a devote Catholic meeting the Pope, or a Jew getting to nail Jesus to the cross, or my dog finally catching his tail. It is Mecca for baseball fans.
  4. Bill Simmons is rubbing off on me. I first discovered him reading page 2 on and loved the way he wrote. He is a big Boston honk, since he is from there and being that I try to read everything he puts out he has slightly influenced me.
I do hope that clears up why I was wearing Red Sox gear and why I do like them so much. So of course after answering a series of those questions I had to answer the question of why I did not make a chili this year. Since two years ago I was the winner and last year I came in second place by one vote. I could lie here and say it was because I did not want to kick my wife's ass and embarrass her chili, but that would be FALSE. Well only a little false, I mean if I let her have victories like this it pays off for me later, and if you do not know what that means then you are not old enough to be reading this. The real reason was because I was called a sore loser recently by an individual who I did not see it coming from, and which will remain nameless. Since being called this I have taken a vow of celibacy towards competition. It saddens me, but I don't want to be known as that guy either. Sad because I would have kicked the crap out of all those chili's!

So after the series of the same two questions from everyone I was ready to sit down and start to watch the game. As the pre-game show is going on I can hear Brian, again my younger brother in law, asking everyone he sees if they will be his corn-hole partner. Keep in mind that in some cases he is not waiting for an answer he is just asking everyone he sees. Also keep in mind that I have been coming to this event for 7 years and we NEVER pick partners, we draw cards, which makes him asking literally everyone, except Jesy, hilarious. I just sit back an smile knowing that in about 5 minutes when this game starts that I might not smile again for 3 hours.

The Game.
Glen Holts takes the Kickoff and the game is essentially over. They are just going to play this one for practice. First play of the game Palmer throws one of the worst passes I have ever seen him throw for an interception. Thankfully and unexpectedly the Bengals D hold Dallas to a field goal.

Next Dallas series they are faced with a 4th and 4, and since they have watched game tape and have a scouting department they know that the Bengals can't normally play good defense for three downs let alone four so the go for it of course. The law of averages play out well since they turned 4th and 4 into 7 points and a 10-0 lead.

The rest of the half was actually pretty boring and disappointing. Dallas goes into the locker room winning 17-6. The Bengals just love to get down in the red zone and score field goals. I was more disappointed though with Dallas, I expect the Bengals to F-up near the end zone, it is like their Kryptonite, but Dallas only put up 17 at the half?!? I was expecting at least 50. That got me to thinking why would they only have 17?
  1. Tony Romo wants his relationship with Jessica Simpson to be over. Follow me on this one, Tony doesn't want to be the bad guy and have to dump her, so he tanks the first half and only throws to T.O. once in order to get T.O. fired up and call him gay for not throwing him the ball. After last week and now the first half of this week you know that T.O. is just waiting to Tony's shower adventures with Jason Witten. Once that leaks out of course Jessica will dump him and he and Jason can live happily ever after. Just a theory.
  2. Jerry Jones bet the all the new stadium money on the Bengals this week and took the points.
  3. Wade Phillips is not a good coach, not a guess just a fact.

During half time I notice a commercial for Survivor, that show is still on? Does anyone still care? Show me a reality show where it is actually a reality show and I might watch. What kind of suspense is there to these shows? Will a T.V. company really let people die? I say find Buffalo Bill and throw a few "survivors" down in his little well and have them survive him cross dressing and wearing lipstick, good luck!

The third quarter is more of the same terribleness from the Cowboys, are the all hung over? I mean they really looked like crap. I was worried that for a while I was going to have to explain how the Cowboys lost, the Bengals did not win, thank God the Bengals remembered that they were the Bengals.

In order to spice things up, since the game was boring me to tears, I saw that Brian had put his plate of wings on the porch railing, so I climbed into the bushes and stole them when he wasn't looking. You could see him up on the desk looking around aimlessly and then he just looked at the ground and said "crap." It took everything I had not to lose it. Then he start to "interrogate" everyone near by about his wings, he would point to the railing ans tell people that they were right there a second ago. Then again while no one was looking I put them back in the same place and my mother in law saw them and Brian looked like Jesus Christ had just shown up, he had no idea what was going on. And that got me through the third quarter of boringness.

The fourth quarter started off with a bang, and I don't mean on the field, it was at this time that the ever creepy back scratch showed up. Many of you do not know what I mean, so I will explain. My mother in law has a sister that is off the charts weird. She is a person that you would have to ask if they were dropped allot as a kid, or if they ate paint chips when they were little. And whatever you do, DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT get stuck by yourself talking to her. She can breathe through her eyelids, she never stops talking and it is ridiculous stuff. Jesy made the mistake of leaving me alone with her a few times when we first started dating, I was traumatized. Now the back scratching, she will always without fail find my father in law, her sisters husband mind you, and use her nails to make love to his back. It is the weirdest thing I have ever seen, she always has this strange smile on her face while doing it too, like it is satisfying her in some way. As I am typing this I am getting chills of disgust and might throw up on the keyboard. This is a tradition that needs to stop, I just keep hoping that Carol will drink enough one time and see that weird smile and punch her in the face. Entertainment and justice all in one.

The Bengals get cute in the fourth quarter and call an onside kick that no one saw coming and they recovered it! Again instill some false hope in fans everywhere. No to worry though again in typical Bungal fashion Chris Perry fumbles the ball for the 5th time this year and Dallas recovers which then leads to a Dallas touchdown and again puts the game out of reach.

  1. Bengals receivers do not block. Hell they barely manage to get in the way.
  2. Marvin again does not disappoint, he uses a timeout with 2:06 left on the clock. Really you cant wait 6 seconds to call a play that won't work anyway? What the hell was the point of that timeout? You wait 6 seconds and you get the two minute warning anyway, Christ!
  3. Patrick Crayton cannot catch a ball thrown right to him, but he can catch a tipped pass in the end zone for a touch down to seal the game for Dallas, well done good sir.
  4. The Dallas offense overall. I wanted 70+, a-holes.
  5. Why was there no fight? Why was Chris Henry not on the field more? I think that it was some sort of conspiracy, I wanted fireworks and instead got Chris Henry on the field for like five plays. Sad, just sad.
Quote of the game.
Rick: "Brian, why aren't you inside playing with your Wii?"

Brian: "Because my friend left already."

Game balls.
  1. Marvin Lewis. For debacling the play clock again and for keeping this team on track and focused on 0-16.
  2. Jesy. For winning the Chili cook off.
  3. Kevin and Kat. For winning the corn-hole tournament.
  4. Keith Rivers. The only player besides Ndukwe that is playing with purpose.
  5. Brian. For "finding" his wings.
  6. George Sr. He brought Lemon Torte and I was eating it out of the pan by the end of the game literally.
Another chili cook off comes and goes, a smaller crowd this year, but just as much fun. Along with that another Bengals loss, well done boys, you gave us all a little scare, but you pulled through in the end like I knew you could.

Quick Shout out to Beth and Sue, thanks for reading guys!


Hoopes said...

Haha, man I wish I could have been there, but instead, I was hanging on to the toilet bowl like it was a stripper... But glad I got the play by play, sounds like I missed a semi-good chili fest, but I didn't miss your chili, so I'm at least satisfied by that, I know you would have won last year (conspiracy by one vote), but it's all good... Good blogs though!

Skinny Bitch said...

Great blog babe! Per usual you are keeping me laughing!! I think we need to print this out for B to read, can't wait to hear a comment from him like an, "oh frick" or "what the deuce" with his right hand flipped up! LOL

George Herron said...

Or maybe a "Your a friking idiot." And then threaten to give me an eagle landing on a branch.

C.J. said...

I think at this point you might agree with me that the best football team in the state resides in Columbus. I'd put the Bugals as underdogs in their own stadium against the Buckeyes. And that's starting 3 rookie Offensive Linemen and Rookie QB.

George Herron said...

Sadly I would agree.

Skinny Bitch said...

This is probably my favorite blog so far..I find great humor reading this..after witnessing Jesy winning the trophy, to the crazy aunt scratching B playing with his's great..nice work George..