Monday, October 13, 2008

Brett Farve vs. The Bengals.

Strange title don't you think? I can here some of you saying, "Weren't the Bengals playing the Jets?" And you would be right to ask that, but after watching the game I, myself, was confused. First you have the issue that for the second time this year the Jets wore their throw back jerseys. The one representing the Titans, the original Jets franchise name. This of course is confusing for several reasons, one the team colors are totally different and there is currently a Titans franchise in the NFL. I can't tell you how many times the idiot announcers butchered the actual team name. But the main reason is the announcers love affair with Brett Farve. And I don't mean just one or two of them, I mean all of them. Was there some addendum in the off season that said if Brett Farve comes back the media as a whole has to act like they all want to bear his children? Most of the time I forgot there was a game even going on, I just thought it was the Brett Farve show, or some weird reality show that had all three announcers trying to win Brett Farve's heart. I was waiting for Brett to call up to the booth and tell them that he was looking for some hot sweaty man sex and to have Dick Enburg, Dan Fouts, and Randy Cross all to get in a fight trying to get down to Brett first. I think that Randy would have literally jumped out the window and crowd surfed all the way down to him in order to win.

The most disturbing part of the "For love of Brett," was listening to the announcers spill "facts" like how it is so rare for Brett Farve to throw interceptions like he did on Sunday.

  • As of the 2008 season:
    1) Brett Favre - 288

2) George Blanda - 277

3) John Hadl - 268

4) Vinny Testaverde - 267

5) Fran Tarkenton - 266

Yeah clearly he never throws interceptions. Not only has he thrown the most EVER by a quarterback, no active quarterback is even close, and Brett gets to just keep adding to the total because he loves to try to throw the ball where it doesn't need to go. Both of the interceptions that he threw Sunday didn't have to happen, but Brett is too big of a man to back down from that challenge, or at least that is what Randy Cross tells himself every night before he goes to bed. Some of the other "facts" were real gems too. Like, "Brett has thrown for over 35 miles in his career." Well shit I hope so, the man is like 75 years old, if he hadn't then he would be even worse that I already think he is. Look the fact of the matter is yes, he has thrown allot of touchdowns, he has thrown for allot of yards, and there was once a time when he was a great quarterback. He is now slightly above average and if he had not accumulated all of those records in a career that has spanned something like 12 decades then he would really suck. Of course don't tell that to all his boyfriends in the media, and if Madden ever reads this article I had better watch the hell out, he might go get Randy and Dan and come after me. I can see it now, Madden backing me into a corner and yelling nonsensical things with sound effects and just muttering Brett Farve's name over and over again until I pass out. Then his eyebrows will envelop me and I will become part of John Madden's forehead.

Now that I have that out of my system I can talk a little bit about the game, you know what I remember in between Randy and Dick gushing all over Brett Farve. There was not much to talk about that i have not already talked to death, so I will just try to hit some of the highlights in order to get through this blog without depressing myself into a suicidal state.

  1. On the Jets second possession we gave them 8 tries in the red zone to score. It was a comedy of errors on both sides, but the best was on 3rd and 19 the Bengals commit an illegal contact and give the Jets a whole new set of downs to work with.

  2. The Bengals were owned at the line of scrimmage on both sides of the ball. Offensively they gave up 5 sacks to a mobile quarterback and they could not run the ball to save their lives. Benson and Perry combined for a 1.8 rushing average. Defensively they were a siv on the run, as per usual. It was not so much the yardage, the Jets only managed 3.2 on average on the ground, the difference was that the Jets were able to do it when they needed to. Five of our top ten tackle leaders were defensive backs, not a good sign.

  3. Special teams were a disaster as usual. I will touch on this more later, but how hasn't the special teams coach not been fired yet? Was it me or did it seem like the Jets were always starting with a short field?

Quote of the game.

"If you give Brett Farve that much time, you had better get your head examined. You better blitz and get after him if you expect to win."

That was Dan Fouts. As we all know Dan was really just talking about how he wishes he could "get after" Brett Farve, but it brings up an interesting point and one that I have discussed ad-nasium. If you want to win you have to blitz successfully. The Bengals were able to pull off two blitzes the entire game, the rest of the time Brett had ten years to throw the ball. How did the Patriots beat the Colts? How did the Giants beat the Patriots? They got to the quarterback, arguabley two of the greatest quarterbacks of our generation, and made them make mistakes. Then Bengals and their two scouts have not figured this out yet.


  1. Special team blunders +/- 2.5

  • Fair catch inside the 5 yard line

  • Offsides on Punt

  • Gave up huge yardage in punt returns in just the 3rd quarter, 36 off two punts.

  • Gave up huge yardage on 2nd Kickoff, 46 yards.

So it looks like the Bengals covered the spread easily this week, might have to raise that to at least three for next week!

2. Throwing short of the first down marker +/- 3

  • 3-18 pass for 8 yards

  • 3-7 incomplete pass and a penalty for kicks

  • 3-4 sack

  • 3-16 run for 10 yards

  • 3-1 run for -1 yards

  • 3-10 sack

  • 3-5 incomplete pass

  • 3-5 incomplete pass

  • 3-15 run for 2 yards

  • 3-11 pass for 10 yards

Wow, not only did they cover, but they killed the spread. Judging by just how terrible the Bengals are on third down I think that the Bengals should just save time and hassle and punt on third down. I can hear it now, "Third and two and here come Larson to punt the ball away."

3. Play clock blunders +/- 2

Shocking there were no glaring play clock disasters this week, sad because this is the area I can almost guarantee every week, come on Marvin don't you dare start coaching this team, not now, not on the brink of being the worst team ever in the NFL.


And then there were two. St. Louis and Houston both won their games, which leaves just Cincinnati and Detroit as the winless teams in the NFL. Is it a coincidence that both Jon Kitna and Rudi Johnson, both former Bengals are on that team? I thought our biggest rival for NFL's worst team and possibly going 0-16 was St. Louis, but it looks like we will have to fend off Detroit for that distinction. I think that if both teams end up 0-16 somehow that there need to be a playoff. You can have it as the half time show at the Pro Bowl, since none of the players from either team deserve to go. There needs to be a definitive worst team. Of course my big concern is that Marvin might still be confused and think that this is a good team. he did not make one play clock blunder all game! What the hell is that? Is he trying to win? This guy hasn't show a penchant for winning all year and suddenly he is not making mistakes? This concerns me greatly. What happens if next week he not only doesn't make any play clock mistakes, but doesn't give up 800 yards on special teams? No now he is not wasting plays and time, but he is winning the field position battle too, can you say "Gulp?"

Dear Marvin Lewis,

Please stop trying to convince people you can coach. It is scaring me and giving me doubts as to the validity of this team going 0-16. you are the biggest X-factor out there and we need you to continue to mis-manage the play clock, make weird constipated looks on the sidelines, worry more about Chad Ocho Cinco than players that actually deserve attention, throw red challenge flags on stupid plays that really don't matter, let our punt and kickoff coverage team not cover, convince our punt returners to fair catch inside the 5, demean media and fans by calling them ignorant, stupid, insipid, and tell them that they don't know football while laughing strangely. it always means more coming from you. The pieces are in place, we have an untalented young defense that loves to give up big plays, an unmotivated line that would sooner let their quarterback get a broken nose than block for 5 seconds, a huge distraction in a wide receiver that makes the most money at his position and still complains, running backs that can't run, and another wide receiver that can't stay out of jail. All we need from you is to continue to do your job and do nothing to fix any of it and keep that dream of 0-16 alive. Don't you dare go all Bill Belichick on me.

Cordially yours,

George Herron

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