Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Commercials we all hate.

Thank god for DVR, or TIVO. Normally I get to skip all those horrible, horrible commercials and just watch the show, but every once in a while I get to watch a show, normally a sporting event, live and have to suffer through the hellacious commercials that come with it.

I thought about doing a whole blog dedicated to every horrible commercial I have ever seen, but I can not type that long, nor do I have the attention span to....Oh look something shiny!
Sorry about that, I am back. I decided instead to focus on groups of commercials that, when I see them, almost enrage me to the point that I want to jam an ice pick in my temple to end the pain.
  • Jewelry commercials.
- Kay Jewelers. I swear even my wife thinks that they are stupid and cheesy. MY WIFE! These dumb commercials are geared towards women, pull on women's heart strings and make them convince their husbands that they have to have that jewelry so that they can feel all those same feelings as the women do in the commercial. And that stupid little jingle...."every kiss begins with Kay." I hear that and I look for something to punch. Clever play on words, or letters I guess....for a 8 year old.

- Jared. These are even worse. I love how if a man "goes to Jared," he suddenly becomes freaking Don Juan. Are you kidding me? All a guy has to do is go to Jared and he is suddenly Casanova? Listen up all convicted rapists and sex offenders (because I am sure a lot of them read this blog) just go to Jared and get some jewelry, all will be forgiven and forgotten and you will be any ladies number 1!
  • Local car dealerships.
Whenever I see these debacles I always think back the Family Guy episode where Peter takes Meg to buy a new car and ends up buying the tank that the used car salesman uses in commercials to wage war on prices. Any cheesy gimmick that you can think of has been used in local car commercials. There is a plethora of really horrible acting as well. Like the owner of the dealership and his possibly mildly attractive daughters will bumble through a horrible script and stand there awkwardly waiting for the "camera man," who is probably the maintenance chief as well, to shut the camera off. You just pray that he operates on cars better than he operates that camera. Hell these things are like Youtube videos that aren't funny. I think my favorite are the ones where they just shout at you the entire time though. SALE, BUY NOW, HURRY, GOING FAST, NEED TO PAY FOR MY HOOKER LAST NIGHT. Alright maybe not that last one, but I am sure they are thinking it.
  • Subway
It all started with Jared. Damn there is that name again, maybe I just hate all Jared's subconsciously? Any who....Subway is like that guy who tells the same joke over and over again and you just happen to be at all the parties that this guy shows up at. It was funny once, barely, but now that you have to keep hearing it over and over again it is making you want to pull his vocal cords out. Between Jared and the $5 foot long commercials Subway has successfully beat the horse to death, buried it, unearthed it to beat it some more, and then buried it again. And is it me or is that $5 foot long jingle a little creepy sounding? Not the ones where actual people are singing it, or attempting to sing it, that is just horrible. I am talking about the ones that are pre-recorded. Sounds like something a child molester would say to his victim.....$5 for a foot longggggggggg. Gross.
  • Taco Bell.
Again, I can put my finger on the minute this food franchise "jumped the shark." It was that damn Chihuahua. That was just the start of years of horrible Taco Bell commercials. To be honest I can not point out one specifically, they all just tend to fade into one big pile of crap. Yo Querio Taco Bell? Not without a toilet close by. Taco Bell is like what Jim Gaffigan says about Hot Pockets, you never really buy them, you are renting them. It would be more beneficial to take your "food" and just go flush it down a toilet and save your body the grief.
  • Gieco.
- Lizard. This was one of those that was clever at first and every once in a while was funny, but man is it overdone. Gieco sounds like gecko, I get it. Plus i think that gecko is getting a little preachy, a little too big for his britches. He is talking down to people in the commercials now, stealing their money to buy bags of chips, he is out of control and needs to be stopped.

- Cavemen. This on the other hand was never funny. NEVER. I mean I get the whole message, "so simple a caveman could do it." But one commercial was definitely enough. What amazes me was that a T.V. series was formed after this moronic idea. Even after everyone had long started to hate the commercials and it was clear that this show was going to be a flop to anyone I ever talked to, it was done anyway. It didn't last a season. I hope all that were involved were fired.

I am sure there are more, these are just the ones that stuck out in my mind as I was compiling this list for the blog. What groups of commercials do you hate?


Skinny Bitch said...

I hate the depression ones...."where does depression hurt? who does depression hurt?" If I wasn't depressed before that commercial you better believe I'm questioning myself after the commercial. I'm also noticing the really bad/cheesy GOLD GOLD GOLD commercials. Where the mafia-looking guy is wanting you to send in all your old gold for CASH CASH CASH. I'm also irritated that Kelly Ripa would do a commerical based on "her" life and then not even try to use her kids in the commercial, at least do the same gender as your kids. The one commercial where she is doing laundry she has all girls, UMMM NO, she has boys and a girl.

George Herron said...

You know too much about pop culture. Plus this was about groups of commercials. The depression one is a good one, how did I miss that one? The gold one is a good catch too, not on frequently enough to really bother me, but it lurks around.

Now that I am thinking about it I also forgot the late night commercials where the girls get really dressed up to have phone sex. Love those. Does anyone really believe that when they call they are talking to 1. a woman dressed like that, 2. a woman that hot? There is a reason that they are having phone sex "for a living!" I am pissed that I forgot about that one!

Melaina25 said...

I don't get why anyone would buy stuff from a mall jewellery store when you can get better quality, cheaper and custom made at a local place. If you want to get Jessy some frosting let me know, I've got connections.

Cleveland Andy said...

Good call on the "He went to Jared" campaign. I would add 2 categories to your list.

1. Penis commercials -- Viagra/Cialis/Levitra. My most hated is the Viagra commercial where the musicians just start jamming to Viva Viagra, ruining a great Elvis tune for me. At the top i forgot to mention the late-night commercials for Extenze where they never say penis but always refer to it as "that certain part of man" or some other vague lame iteration to avoid liability and fraud claims. The others i don't need to explain, but you've seen them...the couple in separate bath tubs on the pier, old people pretzeled on the couch, blah blah puke blah.

2. the Xmas season Lexus commercials, where it's like..."surprise honey, i just bought two Lexus sedans and put big fucking red bows on them. I'll bet in the glove compartment of those cars they provide Chapter 11 instructions for declaring bankruptcy. Who the hell buys $50,000 cars as a xmas present, let alone two of them? they're only getting through to 1% of the population that can actually afford to do this. their money would be better spent putting posters up at country clubs and in NBA locker rooms.

btobey said...

Have you seen Pointless Planet? It is a hilarious satirical take on some of the worse commercials. I think you'll especially like this Kay Jewelers one: