Monday, September 29, 2008

Que the circus music...

Every time I watch the Bengals play all I hear is circus music in the background. It is sad that the title "The Divine Comedy," has already been taken because it would fit an autobiography of the Bengals for the last 25 years. They make me laugh, cry, shout out in terror and anticipation, it really is like I am at a circus or something.

Let me start by saying that I was at the game this week. Much to my dismay I was forced to go with my wife and a friend of her from work. I was not upset at WHO I had to go with, but with the fact that I had to go and personally witness the bludgeoning that I knew would take place. The only good that I could see was that I got to see it live instead of having to squint to see a clear picture on that HD broadcast.

On our way to my wife's friend's(Jennifer) house, a friend that I had met briefly in working with her over three years ago, I was given a warning. "Please try not to use the 'F' word today." Jennifer is a devout catholic and I am the cursing king, this had potential for disaster. So before we got to her house I called Rick and we said the "F" word about 500 times in three minutes and I think I got my fill of it for the day. We arrive at Jennifer and her husband Jason's house after my wife passes by their house not once, but twice. Please keep in mind that she has been there before! I meet Jason, Jennifer's husband for the first time and he is wearing a Chad Johnson jersey, brave man in my opinion. We all climb in to Jason and Jennifer's Highlander and take off for the Bengals beat down. Side note, Highlanders are NICE! very roomy and nice ride, I am now jealous of Jason as his Highlander is much better than my Aveo, surprising I know.

Upon arriving at the game I get the first call from Mo..."Dude, Palmer is out." It was like Mo reached out from the phone and punched me in the stomach. Any hope of winning this game just sank like the Titanic. And in the back of my head the whole game I thought about Richie Brahms knee and how badly they down played it and he was out the whole season. I can see this coming. As we sit down and this news really sinks in Jennifer looks at me and says "You need to say that Jennifer says, they will lose." it was like she was some sort of prophet! Jennifer Mohamed, I like it.

Jason and I started doing some over/unders and here is what we came up with. Over/under for Levi's sack watch was at 2 1/2, over/under for special teams blunders was also at 2 1/2, over/under for Fitzpatrick throwing an interception was at 2. Levi did not cover, but I think that was due more to Fitzpatrick being able to scramble than Levi improving. Levi did at least have one false start again keeping his blunder streak alive. Special teams was close to covering, they gave up a big kick return to start the second half and then later in the game a shitty kick off gave them great field position. Thankfully Ryan Bailed me out and threw three picks! Well done backup QB.

Points of interest.

  1. The Bengals don't feel like they have to play defense until they are inside the 20. That is great that they DO eventually feel urgency, but, and I am no mathematician, but 0 points is better that 3. Why not stop them earlier and force a punt instead of a field goal? They will let a team nickle and dime them to death, but they sure as shit lock it down in the red zone, well that is until they don't care anymore and they know the game is over, i.e see the fought quarter.

  2. David Jones was covering Braylon Edwards. Really? Again with this, did I not just talk about how he was covering Plaxico Burress for over half the game last week? Why was Leon Hall not his shadow for the entire game? I don't care where Braylon was on the field Leon should have been right there with him.

  3. Run, run, pass. Bob Bratkowski is a genius. No one will expect him to be so dumb that he runs the same damn play week after week in the same sequence. By the way let me make this real easy for the rest of the NFL. If T.J. goes in motion and stops behind the tackle, they are running the ball, right there. Christ, I think Radio knew that play was coming.

  4. I hate to keep going there, but how about that play clock management huh? Before the half we burn a timeout, go to no huddle for ONE play and then call another timeout. WTF is that?!? Then in the second half we had used all of our timeouts by 11:06 left in the game. Gee, I hope we won't need those at the end of the game or anything.

  5. The Bengals defense was 2/8, or 25%, for those scoring at home, on stopping the Browns on 3rd and short. Not a good percentage. One of those 3rd and short we had a turn over that was called back because of a penalty, more on that later.

  6. Chad Johnson a.k.a. Chad Ocho Cinco Scored his first, and maybe his only touchdown, of the year, and there was no obscene celebration. I was actually disappointed it might have been the only thing worth watching at that game.

  7. Why is Keith Rivers coming off the field every third down. He is probably the best linebacker we have and he is only play two downs?

  8. Ryan Fitzpatrick is Chad Pennington that can run. I don't think Fitz completed a pass over 10 yards that was to a Bengal receiver. But, hey he sure can scramble!

Play of the game.

Jason pointed out that this might have been the most creative way yet to get a first down. I look at it as two teams being so horrible that they out bad luck each other. Ryan Fitzpatrick, in scrambling for his life, throw another gorgeous interception on 3rd down only to have to Browns fumble it back to the Bengals on the return. One of the most discombobulated plays I have ever witnessed live.

Prophetic moment of the game.

All due respect to Jennifer and her vision of the Bengals losing, I think that everyone was already thinking that. I, however, saw the touchdown that broke the Bengals back coming several play away. When the David Jones managed to pick off a ball on 3rd and short, but it was promptly called back because of a neutral zone infraction and gave the Browns a first down in the process I just knew that the Brows would turn that second chance into a score. Better yet, I knew the Bengals would give up and let the Browns waltz in the end zone. And they did. Bryalon Edwards like three plays later in the end zone stomping all over Bengals fans hearts.

Side Notes.

I was bored enough at one point that I was studying the cheerleader routines. NOT the cheerleaders mind you, my wife is is more attractive and has a way better personality than probably all of them. I noticed that all of their routines were repetition of two or three. I used to wonder how they remembered all that crap, then on Sunday it became pretty clear that if you can count to three you were golden. I am sure it is still complex for some of them.

The flag football game that they had at halftime was a better show than the actual game. There were trick play, great catches, emotion, passion, basically all the things that the Bengals/Browns game lacked!

The row in front of us was playing musical chairs the entire game. The group in front of us and another group 5 rows down and one section over kept switching seats all damn game. I mean it is not like one section was better than the other, I understand that several of these individuals might have needed the exercise, but did they have to keep getting up and down right in front of me?

I found it interesting that people were talking about how Romeo Cernel's job was on the line at the start of this game, but Marvin Lewis was not. Interesting may not be the word, sad and angry may be more appropriate.

The best part of the day was Jennifer proving my point about the West side being the most confusing place on Earth. Jennifer, a west sider for life, tried to tell me that it is not that confusing, but she was not able to get us home taking state route 50. I think even Jason silently agreed with me that the west side was laid out by a drunk city planner. I mean if we would have gone about three more miles on 50 I am sure we would have been in Indiana. us getting home was like the Bengals offense, we were going somewhere and getting nowhere! To Jennifer's credit we did eventually get home, but it was after the vulchers had been circling the car for what seemed like hours.

To all of those that were concerned, curse watch 2008 was not too bad. I think I only dropped the "F" bomb like three times and no one seemed to be too offended. Jason and Jennifer were very cool and seemed to tolerate me quite well, more on them later.

Game Balls.

Again the Bengals made it tough, but I managed to find a few positives about the game.

  1. Chinedum Ndukwe. Interception, blitzing, made tackles. They guy played with fire and heart.

  2. Keith Rivers. On the downs he actually played he was always around the ball.

  3. Jason and Jennifer. For tolerating me and my antics all day, kudos to you guys.

  4. The Highlander. Jason's car rocks and deserves some credit. plus after the getting home confusion it was nice to know that I would die in a nice vehicle as apposed to my Aveo.

  5. The Nachos. They were crisp, and fresh, they were not three weeks old that had been left out in the rain. The cheese had some spice, but not too much that made my throat burn. The only issue I had was that most of the chips looked like they were sat on by the 300 pound cupcake sitting in front of me. Well he was sitting there half the time anyway. Chip crums are not optimal for dipping in cheese. Overall = B-.

After this game I felt like the Bengals were an old dog that you love, but you know what you have to do. You watch every day as that dog that you have come to love over the years, is shitty all over the floor, snapping at relatives, dragging his hind legs through the kitchen. It is sad, but you know it is time to put him down. The Bengals need to be put down, it will not get any better this year and especially if Palmer is out for the rest of the years like many are thinking he will be.

Hello number 1 draft pick. I know it is like looking at puppies before the dog is gone, but it is the only thing that keeps me even slightly positive. Well that and the dream for 0-16 continues. St.Louis, Detroit, and Houston are all still in the running as well, but I am confident that the Bengals who have to play Dallas, Shitsburg and the Brett Farve led Jets coming up, can outlast all of the competition.

Go Bungles!


Hoopes said...

I was literally crying because I was laughing so hard at this George... Mad props, however, I am sorry that you had to witness this little league attempt at a football game. So I'm wondering, do you guys want to play frisbee golf or something, or like make quilts on Sunday's now, because I really don't plan on watching this garbage anymore...

George Herron said...

Sadly I have to watch, I have to keep the fans happy! but i am all for frisbee golfing whenever other than that!